As of late, I have become decidedly decisive. The exception here might be the occasional meal (when nothing sounds great and when whatever is readily available and mild will suffice), but otherwise, I’m feeling very decisive. I like this new turn of events, because I’m finding more and more of myself each time I’m not afraid to say exactly what I want or how I want it. This freedom might be one of my favorite side effects of pregnancy so far. And I do think they’re related–most certainly, because there’s something entirely liberating for me about carrying this child.
I have wanted to be a mom since I can remember understanding what “mom” actually means. At times in my life when there’s no way I would have been ready to be a mom, and when I wouldn’t have dreamed of trying to become one, I still really, really craved the idea in a powerful way. I can liken it it this: all your life long, you’ve wanted to grow up to be a (blank). You’ve considered what it will take, you’ve plotted the course, and you’ve hoped you can manage the reality of your dream. So you do what it takes to get there, whether it be years and years of medical school, hours of studying, travel to far off places, or rejection a thousand times before you hit the mark. And then one day, you wake up and you have finally become that doctor, that professor, that international journalist, that published writer. It’s hard to believe, but it’s happening, and you are living it. You are becoming what you’ve always wanted to be.
Well here I am. And every time I think about May, or every time I ponder middle-of-the-night hours in a rocking chair, I feel blissful inside. It’s true that when you’re pregnant, pregnant thoughts consume you constantly. They might not all be about the reality of the baby growing a mile a minute inside of you, but they relate to it in some beautiful way. What color should we paint the walls? (In baby’s room.) When should we get rid of all of the things we really don’t need? (To make way for baby.) How many times can I vacuum or dust or wipe down or pick up? (In anticipation of baby.) Where should we go to get away together, just us? (So we feel best connected, before baby.)
None of this bothers me. I absolutely love it. I’m so beyond-myself excited to look after this child, and every decision leading up to it brings me one step closer. I’ll wear the black pants, because they fit, and I don’t care if most of my clothing options are becoming obsolete. I’ll clean out all of the closets so that there’s plenty of room. Don’t need a new _______, or to spend money on _______; I’d rather have it for baby things. I feel so much more practical and clear headed in this way. And it’s all coming so much more easily for me now…
So, yes. I’m in the mood. In the mood for motherhood, and for family. In the mood to nurture and to love. To be the best wife and mom I’m capable of, and to pursue the things that matter the absolute most to me. I’m in the mood to clear out the clutter of my life, to organize, so that things make sense, and to build the best relationships I can around the people I care about most deeply. I’m poised to be surprised, delighted, humbled, captivated, burdened and enlightened, in the best ways, by these next 165 days (or however long it will be until this babe greets the world).
Until then, and possibly after, I’ll take the red ones, please…will have cereal for dessert…would like to hang the pictures just so. I’ll go to bed early, sleep in on weekends, and order a decaf, skim latte, no whip, extra foam. I’m not trying to be picky, I just finally know what I want. There’s life change happening, and I’m changing and happening along with it.
decidedly and decisively in the mood,