This is beginning to feel familiar: this glancing at the clock and seeing three very small digits in red…1am, 2am, 4am, no matter. I am rehearsing for middle of the night feedings far sooner than I hoped was necessary. Insomnia, replete with a mind that won’t quit and a regular dose of awful dreams when I actually can sleep, has become the order of the night around here. I have been so committed to carrying this baby without complaint (especially as I longed so greatly to be pregnant), but I’ll admit that this dose of symptoms is a hard pill to swallow at three in the morning. I am fascinated by this process of growing a human and I’m doing my best to embrace all that comes with it…
There are lots of days that go by when being pregnant feels old hat and familiar–kind of like my favorite sweatshirt from college that is the same amount of cozy no matter how long it’s been since graduation. But, too, there are things about this run of months that I’ve never experienced before…ones that require some extra digging deeper and a good amount of covering in prayer. Quality of sleep, for one, would be a prime example.
I am not well versed at shaking off the cobwebs of a freshly had nightmare–not, at least, when the alarm is going off and H is calling and it’s only been an hour since I last saw the clock. I know I will cope. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, right? (Thanks for the inspiration, little blue engine.) At any rate, I’m just saying that it’s not all roses, and while I’m beyond grateful for this growing belly and a kicking babe, I’m also just tired and trying to figure it out. To hang in there. To be my best self when I have little to give by mid-afternoon.
This baby growing thing is a riot, and I truly mean that. Your body basically turns inside out for a bit, tripping over itself to grow the best, most healthy, most developed human child it can muster. In only nine months time. And let me tell you, it is impossible not to be in awe when at 12 weeks along, you can see your baby waving with five fingers on one hand on the ultrasound, and you know (because you witnessed it) that he or she is forming into the most beautiful little person already, so…
Suffice it to say that at this juncture, I am four equal parts delighted and fascinated and overjoyed and determined, and one part just humanly pregnant and achy and struggling to keep my eyes open over lunch. The end result is absolutely magnificent, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can also see the light from my nightstand…2:00am. Again. Oh, Lord, please give me the superhuman mama strength I need to be everything that BOTH of my kiddos need from me for the next 24 hours. I couldn’t do any of this without you, and I know this is your plan for me. I’m in if you are…so long as I can get a little sleep 😉
channeling stamina and grace,