Besides the train horns blowing every once and a while a few miles away, it is unbelievably quiet here. The dog sighs occasionally, and I’m actually aware of it–only the sounds of the house and the click of my keyboard fill up the remaining, hanging space. I have grown to love the busyness and animation of our noisy, toddler-driven house in the day today, but at the end of this week, the quiet is most welcome. It is exactly everything I haven’t taken pause to notice I needed.
I’m afraid I’m not making or finding enough time to get quiet and recharge. Left unrealized, this seems like dangerous territory–somewhat like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I know this because I’ve felt it rising. It’s been creeping up slowly, and I hear it in my responses to H, in my ramblings of the days’ happenings to Jason, and wildly in my head amidst all of the things I think and do not say. It’s fortunate that my mouth has remained shut in some situations, and sheerly disappointing that I’ve not opened up and just been plainly honest in others. I am battling a war between my people-pleasing, peace-keeping, fearful side and the advocating, protecting, Truth-driven part of me that’s itching terribly to surface. And somewhere, there’s a balance.
I sat in the living room across from a friend today who has an incredible ability to help me see myself for who I am. She is an amazing listener, a beautiful encourager, and a powerfully honest person whose God-fearing, spirit-filled life leads me to a place of healthy vulnerability and honesty every time we meet. There is no pretending here, on any level. And the longer we sit face to face as life permits us, the more we find we share in common–our pasts, although not the same, are crazily woven together in a way I believe God uses to shed light and Truth and freedom. I find myself in tears every time we talk, and she celebrates them. We both do. And I’m always left feeling lighter and thinking in a way that’s more true to who God is calling me to be. I pray that my friendship to her is as refreshing in return as hers is to me. I’m so grateful.
And I share this because our dialogue today has me thinking at full speed and desiring more quiet and space to think even further, to pray, to get really, really honest, and to push through the muck to whatever God has for me–for our family, in this chapter. It’s possible that I just coast through a lot of days and manage to balance what’s right in front of me, without really realizing what’s to the side, what’s behind, what’s above. I know that God wants to give me direction–that He craves my attention the same way I crave His. I’m just not sure I give Him anywhere enough time to do what He wants to with my heart. I think I’ve done so in seasons, but not well as of late. And I don’t want to just barrel through the next several months to a place of new vulnerability and adjustment and change without resetting my sights on what God is saying, doing, ordering in my life.
So. There’s probably a lot of work to be done. Right here. Where I am. And I need to be honest with myself, and particularly honest with others, and I know sometimes that honesty is going to be hard. But my heart is to serve my family as a wife and mom to my best and fullest capacity, and when my tank is empty, I’m not so great at this at all. All of the little (and big) things that drain said tank, drop by drop, can sit buried and linger. Or they can surface and be real and be dealt with to clear some room, reset my system. In this space and time as I parent a toddler, grow a soon-to-be newborn, love my husband, care for our home, and attempt to maintain, grow, and nurture relationships all around me, I’m going to have to be honest. First with myself, and then with those closest to me. And I need to stop making so much time for apologies and guilt and second guesses where they are undue, instead utilizing that energy to clear a path for health and wholeness and joy inside this little heart of mine.
i pray that God would begin the work and show me where i need to go. opening up my hands again and pursuing Truth as i dance the dance.