I saw our baby today. Not for reasons I was excited about, nor for reasons I was overly worried about, but because a previous ultrasound showed a potential abnormality that needed to be revisited for follow up. Eight weeks ago, I left our 20 week ultrasound with a weight that I carried for approximately 36 hours. I prayed for peace about it, asked a small group of friends and family to be praying about it with me, and vowed not to Google anything.
I knew that eight weeks of worry–founded or unfounded–would benefit neither baby nor me. And God was faithful in the peace department. He was also faithful to grow our baby another eight weeks in the process, and, as the ultrasound showed today, to resolve the concern that was raised two months ago.
Every bit of pregnancy is a faith journey if you ask me. Even though we can feel our babies moving from abut halfway through pregnancy and on, there are so many things we hope for and cannot see. Healthy bones developing. Two eyes and ears, one mouth, one nose. Perfect little hands and feet. A strong heart. Resilience.
The process is not for the faint of heart, and it is concealed for so many good reasons.
Still, today and on other days like it, it is a real treasure to watch as life moves within–as God is weaving every last detail into place. I got to see our baby hiccup, swallow and yawn. I saw hands and feet, moving and kicking and so very busy all tucked inside. I heard the precious sound of a heartbeat again that never gets old. And then I laid eyes on the sweet profile that gives me just the tiniest insight into what baby might look like when he or she enters the world:
Baby’s ultrasound today was far more for my heart than just the news that things were developing as they should. It was time alone in a quiet room, with only the ultrasound tech (who was truly wonderful), baby and me. It was a space that felt moving and bonding and helpful in ways I can’t describe, especially when my heart has needed some healing this past week.
I came home just so thrilled to know our baby even a tiny bit more–to get a glimpse into one part of one hour of his or her life, and to be changed by it for good.
Not unlike checking in on Henry and Eloise while they’re asleep, this silent time with baby was bonding for my mama soul. I know that God has placed this life within me for His purposes and not my own, and I also know that He wants to do a work in me through this precious baby. I’ve not been quite as able to get a sense of this little one’s personality in this pregnancy, but today changed some of that.
I didn’t realize just how much that would matter.
Our hearts need a soft place to land as expectant mamas. They really do. And I found one today, which made a very real difference for both baby and me. It was fuel for the days and weeks to come as we grow together. I’m so grateful.
The bean is busy tonight, as he or she has been all week. Every last bit is getting stronger, and I celebrate that with everything in me.
the miracles of pregnancy and birth never stop being such. they simply are.