Thirty weeks tomorrow. Man, that feels good. I truly love, love, love being pregnant, but this time around has been a constant exercise in seeking and choosing joy in every step. I think I do this well on the whole each day, although there have been many near-breakdown moments, too. Today was full of them.
I don’t know if it’s the heat, or just that I’m extra tired, but little things are getting to me like big things normally would. Since I want this to be an honest record of my pregnancy experience, I’m just going to let that reality sit here for tonight. It feels like a safe place to put it.
There were so many good things about today: time out in town with the kids, treats at the coffee shop, a visit to daddy’s work, sunshine. We picked up a friend’s CSA this afternoon because they’re out of town, and it was such a delight to pick beans with the kiddos and to see them loving every bit of it. (Made me miss our CSA from years past, and we’ll definitely be back at it next summer!) I wish I had a photo to share of the sweetness of Eloise discovering purple and yellow beans, but alas. I was busy soaking up yet another moment where our days are spent as three on the verge of four. The bittersweetness of that reality is growing more tangible by the day. Tonight, Henry and Jason took a four mile bike ride while Eloise and I had a story date at the library. It was so good for everyone, but it’s still hard to recognize that even one-on-one dates with the kids will be changing very soon.
I don’t mean to gripe about any of this in the least. All day today, our baby has been jumping around enthusiastically in my belly. Every kick and roll and movement brings me joy (and occasionally pain 😉 ) as he or she grows bigger and stronger by the day. The further along we go, the more delighted I am to think about welcoming our jumping bean into the fold. I love every bit of that. I’m just plodding through some of the realities of the life change that’s coming, even as we celebrate it, too.
All day today, the list of “things I actually really need to do before baby” and the other list of “things I’d really like to do before baby” have been running through my mind. This is the nature of the third trimester, I know, but it’s hard not to stare down the pile that’s in front of me as the stack of days gets shorter and shorter. There will always be things we want to do that we can’t get to, and things we think we need to get to that don’t really matter. Then there are the things that really do matter, and those inevitably take shape somehow before the big day, just as with weddings and other big life events. Being pregnant means a walk down this path at some point along the way–the self talk, sometimes the worry or stress, and certainly the sense of imperfection as a mama who is nesting, particular, hormonal, juggling other littles, excited about prepping for baby, or any combination of the above.
Today I am all of those things, and a little extra tired, too.
This 100 day exercise is so good for me, because I never know quite where I’m going to land when I sit down to the keys. I love that it then becomes a very authentic picture of where I am (and someday, where I’ve been) as pregnancy progresses and many other elements factor into the story.
I’m so grateful for all of the signs of life within me, especially now as baby’s bones are hardening and every movement is much more obvious to all of us here in the little blue house. It’s as if baby is saying, “I’m here! Include me, too! I’m getting ready to be a part of what’s happening out there!” And it’s so fun to see the kids getting more excited as they witness all of this belly activity, which helps a great deal on the days that are particularly hard compared to others.
I don’t know what it was about today. Not just one thing, certainly. Spats between the kids, a very thick summer heat, nights of broken rest starting to stack up, the world feeling especially crazy. Even if I weren’t expecting, maybe there would have been more of an edge to today than most.
Still, I’m thrilled to be arriving at 30 weeks tomorrow, and so amazed at what God has done to bring us to this point. That part isn’t lost on me any day. If you’re the praying kind, I’d humbly ask that you ask God to keep pointing our little family (and especially my heart) toward Him in the days to come. I am absolutely imperfect and so very human, and pregnancy tends to bring that out even a bit more often at this stage.
love from where i meet these keys, and grace for all that you faced today and will face tomorrow, great or small,