I came a little unglued today. The calendar can’t win with me lately, because I’m either wishing I had more time to get things done before baby comes, or I’m wanting the next six or seven weeks to hurry up so our little one is here. I want to savor this pregnancy as I have the others, but it has been the hardest by far and each day pushes me in new ways than before.
Not complaining. Just being truthful.
There are still a lot of days where I feel pretty well considering how far along I am and how much I try to do in a 24 hour period, but then there are days like today, when I feel like I’m paying for all of my recent activity and then some. I haven’t rested very well since about 26 weeks, so I’m a bit short on sleep. I know this magnifies moments that wouldn’t otherwise phase me. It’s just a tough dance between wanting to be joyful and upbeat about everything, but sometimes being completely miserable in spite of every best effort.
Baby can’t seem to decide where to settle. He or she has been breech for a number of weeks, but also moves around constantly. It’s not the flutters and kicks I remember well from the past, but more like tumbling and punching throughout the day and for most of the night. Of course there was tumbling and punching with the other two as well, but I really do feel like my entire middle section is one large bruise. Sometimes it’s hard not to be a little defeated by my inability to get comfortable.
I need baby to settle and to flip into the right position so that we can both rest just a bit. I really do. If you’re the praying kind and you’re reading this, I would so appreciate you offering up a little prayer that baby would sort him or herself out in the right direction.
I still want to be so engaged with the kids, and I’m taking every opportunity that I can. I’m sure by now they’re tired of hearing, “No, honey, I’m sorry,” or, “I can’t right now, but after the baby comes I will definitely be able to do that again.” It’s not what they want at all. It’s not what I want. I’d love to be able to pick up Eloise and tote her around with ease, but that’s all changing, and it’s a stage that’s not going to end for a while. I hope that she’s not past the “Can I hold you?” phase before I’m able to accommodate again.
I’m often searching for the thing behind the thing when life feels hard or I’m struggling through an issue. What is the lesson in it? What can I take away? How does this experience make me a stronger/better/more compassionate/more flexible person?
I keep asking myself these same questions throughout this pregnancy, but I suspect the clarity will come on the other side of it when I’m holding our baby daily (or perhaps, long after). It’s not lost on me that I can’t see everything, and that God can use every bit of the daily pain and harder challenges to strengthen me as a person. I’m grateful for that part. I just wish I was more able to weather it all with grace on days like today.
Sometimes I get it wrong, sometimes I get it right. And sometimes, although I know how I want to respond, internal, external, physical and hormonal factors prevent me from just gliding through the moment with finesse. I’m learning best of all in this pregnancy that my ability to control things is limited. Maybe I should have that lesson down far better by now, but apparently it’s something I still need to practice.
Tonight, I’m thankful for some respite from the physical pain I was in earlier today, and I’m so grateful that Jason and my mom were here to run interference on the home front while I took a long and unanticipated rest this afternoon. I don’t always do well to acknowledge my limitations, and I prefer just to soldier through. Sometimes a husband/mom duo is the only combo that creates space for me to give in to where I really am, to shed tears if they need to come, and to be honest with myself about what I’m actually feeling.
So many emotions. A lot of physical challenges this time. But day by day, week by week, we’re baby steps closer to this little one who will bring so much joy. Of course it will all feel worth it then, and the clear recollection of the hard parts will slip away. It’s one of those things that God knew needed to be the process, right? So that we could bear the difficulties for a season, be motivated to give birth when the time is right, and then be so head over heels in love with our new babes that we would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
I can’t wait for that day, or that feeling, but I don’t want to rush it.
slow and steady wins the race. or has a baby. 😉 thank goodness for the baby part!