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let them eat cake.

15 May

Just rifling through the 1,000 photos we’ve gathered from H’s birthday bash and I came across this one. I hadn’t noticed it til now, but I love everything about it. The babe, the cake, the babe covered in cake. His sweet little hands smooshing extra bits of sugary goodness all over his face. The hand of a little friend, reaching in for a taste:

This is what 1st birthday parties are made of. Well, this and a whole bunch of other stuff. Stuff forthcoming…

so glad i wasn’t in charge of the bath that day (thanks, mom!),

mm

her children rise up…

4 Mar

…and call her blessed. proverbs 31.28

Seven days ago, as I left Gramma Donna’s hospital room, I said goodbye to one of the most beautiful, influential people I’ve ever had the privilege to love. I knew as I walked away that night that I’d never see her sweet spirit again this side of Heaven. I had to go, but I hated to leave–to close the door on hours and days spent in that room with her, on so many “conversations” written on the white board over laughter and tears. A week earlier, Gramma had been placed in hospice care in the hospital, and our family had been given every indication that her days were few. I’m so thankful that nothing stopped me from packing up the car and making the drive with Henry back to Gramma’s “room with a view,” where we’d visited only days earlier. Then, Gramma and I had exchanged a beautiful conversation–one I will not soon forget and will always strive to remember…

From Monday until Sunday, Henry and I made our way to the hospital daily to be with “Gramma Gramma.” Not Great Grandma Donna (although she certainly was great), but “Gramma,” just the way she always spelled it, times two because it made Henry smile and I liked the ring to it. Whenever we gathered there, we did so in the company of all of Gramma’s children–my mom, aunts and uncle, their spouses, my cousins, and my dear sister, who flew in to be with Gramma, too. By Friday, Jason had joined us, and as the room swelled with people in and out, day by day, the memories and sorrow and grace and peace swelled there as well.

There are so many remarkable moments in the mix of our time together with Gramma that I know I’ll unpack for days to come. I am still processing so much and missing her so deeply…despite having 29+ years to celebrate with Gramma, the fact that our time together on earth is now over has me grappling in a way I’ve never felt before.

Gramma was a remarkable lady. An ideal role model for me and the definitive matriarch of our family. We are all far better off for being raised in her care, and now at a loss for losing her magnificent presence in our daily lives. Over time, I look forward to sharing the beauty that God crafted in our last days with Gramma. We are marked by her goodness–our family, a testament to who she was and all that she poured her life into.

Thank you for understanding the quiet that has characterized this space as of late. This experience has left me beyond having words to share. I hope to do it justice in some way as we move forward, but in the meantime, I’ll simply acknowledge how very blessed this has all been. God’s hand has been in every aspect, and we are all so thankful.

remembering,

mm

wordless.

24 Feb

For the first time in a long time, I’m struggling to put words to how I’m feeling–a strange and daunting turn for a girl like me, who clears and de-clutters my mind by putting pen to paper, fingers to keys. When the year began, I had committed to myself to blog once a day in 2012. I didn’t make the goal public, but the internal accountability was enough to keep me going. Until now.

There’s plenty swirling in my head, and I want to say all of it somehow–want to preserve memories from this week that I know will linger long after the days have gone. I’ve been hoping to preserve on a page all that I’m thinking and all that is happening, but it’s as if every single thought is bottle-necking because there are so many all at once…each leaving little room for any of the others to eek their way out, wild and free.

Nothing about this week feels wild and free. It feels personal, delicate, private. It handles like blown glass, beautiful and colorful at first glance, yet fragile, painstaking, malleable under fire and left to solidify at the hand of its maker. I feel as though I am passing it back and forth between my fingers, praying it won’t drop and knowing that at some point, I will have to let it go anyway. How do you let something so beautiful just go?

You don’t. And that’s why I’m out of sorts. Wordless in a sense, for someone who otherwise has so much to say. There isn’t an utterance to do it justice. Maybe someday there will be, but not for now.

My heart is heavy. In the midst of overwhelming graces, perfect moments, gratitude beyond measure, there is a very real and present awareness of what it happening, and you can’t put words to it while it takes shape. In a way, I think you just have to rest in it as best you can and swallow whole the minutes and hours and days as they present themselves–in tiny, beautiful packages prepared for us by a Creator who foreknew the number of hairs on our heads, the days on our calendars, our every breath. Sometimes, embracing each moment as such makes them possible to handle. It does for me.

doing my best to love with reckless abandon while i can, and searching out words in the process,

mm

at the lunch table.

22 Feb

It’s not everyday that Henry and I get to dine with his Aunt Bridget, but this afternoon was an exception. Here’s what happens when you get the two of them at the same table over food. Or faces. Or both. It makes sense, really. “Auntie B” and I have been known to hold a few “face offs” in our own time. It’s grand to see that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in this regard. I didn’t even have to teach him!

glad to be making the most of the good things this week!

mm

playtime.

20 Feb

Henry didn’t have any problem keeping himself busy this weekend while mom and dad tagged in and out every few hours to nap. The household was eerily subdued while we all battled a crummy cold. Always the bright spot in our lives no matter what, Hank took matters into his own hands and decided to have a toy party. Sheer brilliance!

I’m fairly certain someone had fun.

Of course, we have all of the grandparents and six Christmases to thank ;)

i love watching him come into his own!

h’s mama

and my burden, light.

18 Feb

This is not the first time I’ve come to the blog at the end of the day and found this verse on my mind: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Mt. 11:28-30

After two emotionally challenging days, I need to be reminded. Not just for my own sake, though. There is comfort in knowing that this verse applies for anyone who will embrace it–dear friends, family, and strangers alike.

Come to me. A perfectly simple invitation. Come. Bring yourself. Bring the junk from your day, the mess you’ve made or the mess you’re in. Bring the hurts and the triumphs, the hard stuff, the stuff you can’t handle on your own. Just come.

All you who are weary and burdened. This is an all inclusive gig. No one gets left out here. Are you exhausted of something? Are you weary from the everyday, the routine, the rhythm? Or maybe the non-ordinary, super hard stuff? Can’t get something or someone off your mind or heart? Feel a bent towards righting an injustice or helping a complete stranger? Then this means you.

And I will give you rest. “I will,” Christ promises. Perhaps not eight hours of solid sleep or a king-sized bed, but real, valuable rest. Your spirit will be refreshed. You won’t run out of steam and have to give up. His grace will be sufficient for you. You heart will be well again. You will always have what you need, when you need it.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart. Christ will be careful with you. Pursuing Him and leaning on Him will make anything easier–if you’ll let it. He will teach you how to focus on what he has shown you, training you to become more and more like Himself in the process.

And you will find rest for your souls. No, really. This is so important it’s stated twice. No one gets to be the energizer bunny without sufficient rest. When you lean into God, He gives you strength for the next step. And then the next. And the next. You don’t have to know how things will turn out in the end, because God already has you covered. He has written and is writing your story as you sit at your computer/read your phone this very minute.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Pursuing me, following my promptings, resting in my promises for your life, and opening up your hand to me to release your troubles into my care–these are all ways to experience my peace. Ask me for what you need. Share your heartache. Pray over and over again. Praise me in advance for what you’re trusting I will do. Go confidently in the direction I lead you. Leave your burdens with me, at the cross.

I am so thankful tonight for these promises from God, and for friends and family who become the Body of Christ around us when we need to be loved, reassured, prayed for, hugged tightly and encouraged in just the right moment. Things don’t always feel ok, or fair, or comprehensible. And we don’t get to have all of the answers, as much as we may want them. But we do know this: when we are weary or burdened and we ask for help, God will give us rest.

may it be so,

mm

all gums.

8 Feb

look mom, a teething biscuit!

No teeth yet for our boy, but the biscuits are a hit.

i have to admit, that gummy smile is a personal fave.

mm

the new top ten.

6 Feb

I was inspired today by this post, which brought me back to this post from eight and half months ago. At the time, Henry was just shy of a month old–his preferences, newborn and tiny. Not so these days, as our crawling, cruising, chatty little man makes his opinions clear and well known in this neck of the woods. He is bolder by the day, and we love him for it. Henry’s new list is 80% revised and comes with nine times the experience. He’d never admit it, but he’s quite the seasoned reviewer by now ;)

In no particular order, the list:

1) Sophie the Giraffe. Where he goes, she goes. Sophie is Henry’s lovey to date, if he has one. We never leave home without her, and although her spots have faded, Henry lights up at first glance every time. Perhaps its her cultured and well-traveled background he’s so drawn to…now 50 years in the making, Sophie is still traditionally produced in Rumilly, in the Haute-Savoie Region of France, and made from 100% natural rubber derived from the sap of the Hevea Tree. Comment magnifique!

2) Baby Einstein’s Take Along Tunes. A favorite even before he could change the songs himself, Henry has an affinity for his Take Along Tunes. This toy (I should say, these, because we deemed it worthy of a backup) has bought us countless hours of peace and quiet while traveling. The songs themselves are relatively catchy and manageable to the parental ear, and the flashing (disco-like) lights seem to engage young minds in a way I’m far less able to tolerate at the old age of 29. The batteries on our first unit are just now wearing out, and the second is still going strong. Thank you, Baby Einstein, for a most perfect diversion. Henry loves you, and so do we.

3) Puffs!!! As Henry will be the first to attest, puffs are amazing. They’re the perfect snack for any time of day, great on the go, and easy to clean up. Not to mention the fact that they’re excellent practice when little ones are first rehearsing manual dexterity. Gotta love that pincher grasp! I still get a kick out of watching HD eat them, even months after their introduction. Such pudgy little fingers…such a guiltless way to buy time with a hungry boy. These Happy Baby Organic Puffs are our absolute favorite. There’s always a canister or two somewhere in the house.

4) The Ergo. I had no idea how particular a baby could be about a baby carrier. I had grandiose visions of swaddling Henry and wearing his cute little self everywhere we went when he was small, but he was on an entirely different plan. No Moby, no K’Tan, no slings, no Infantino. I liked them all and wanted so badly for one to work, but alas. That is, until we picked up the Ergo. This baby carrier redeemed the glimmering hope I’d once had of hands-free baby-wearing bliss. Henry protested a bit at first, but with a little determination and a number of trips up and down the block to experiment close to home, he finally made peace with the Ergo. We love it, how well it wears, how supportive it is for both mom (short!) and dad (not short!), how it looks, feels, adjusts. You get the idea. The Ergo Baby Infant Insert was also helpful when H was small, and we still sometimes use the cushion without the shell to boost him up for comfort. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

5) Sassy Seat Doorway Jumper. A household favorite indeed. Henry jumps his little heart out and our hands are free. We’ve found it especially useful on nights when the tired in our boy just won’t make an appearance, when we’re still eating dinner and he’s ready for action, and when it’s too close to bedtime for a nap and not quite close enough to call it a day. Somehow, its bouncy, springy, bright, and buggy self does the trick in all three scenarios, and for this, we’re grateful. Very definitely worth looking at in the doorway of our living room on a daily basis. Trade offs, you know?

6) Bugaboo Frog Stroller. Making its second appearance on just as many lists, the Bugaboo was a Craigslist dream come true pre-baby, and it’s still going strong. It jockeyed with a B.O.B.for a bit (which almost stole the title for its running stroller capabilities), but we have to admit that the Bugaboo has fought hard and strong for spot numero uno in our book. Could be the cozy and oh-so-warm foot muff at this time of year, or the fact that we’re all a bit too sentimental to pick another favorite since it’s been with us from the start. Regardless, Henry gives it two adorable thumbs up. He’s snug as a bug in his Bugaboo, and we love that.

7) That’s Not My Bunny (and other similar titles). Henry wants to read this book daily. He will find it anywhere in the nursery and turn the pages over and over. We’ve since procured That’s Not My Dinosaur and have several others in the queue. (That’s Not My Puppy will have to make an appearance here shortly.) Could be the touchy-feely aspect, with great tactile variety page after page, or it could just be Usborne. There’s not a single Usborne book we’ve encountered to date that we don’t all absolutely love. “It’s ears are SO soft!…”

8) The Boppy(s). A tried and true friend to both mom and baby, Henry and I have spent many-an-hour enjoying all that it has to offer. Since Henry’s first top ten debuted, we’ve borrowed a second Boppy from a friend to eliminate the need to transport said Boppy from one floor to the other and back again with every feeding. Genius, I tell you. I’m not a proponent of excess with the exception of a handful of areas in life, and this would be one of them. At some point, we’ll bite the bullet and just purchase a second one of our own. With more babies (hopefully) on the way someday, it just plain makes sense.

9) Pediped shoes. We couldn’t help but love these for Henry, so he’s been in them over the past few months even though he hasn’t grown his sea legs in their entirety just yet. They are just too darn cute on his little feet, they’re easy to clean, and they’re perfect as Hank transitions from crawling to standing to walking. They go with nearly everything in his wardrobe, which makes his mama happy, and best of all according to Henry, they’re a delight to chew on. Yuck. You can’t win them all as a parent, we suppose. At least they’re adorable…

10) California Baby Calendula Cream and Burt’s Bees Baby Bee Nourishing Lotion (in Calming). Ok, so we’re cheating a little here and grouping skincare as one item on the list, but I’ve had a number of moms ask me what we use for Henry’s skin, and the above is our favorite combination to date. The Calendula Cream is a little bit pricey (most affordable at your local Target:), but lasts forever and works like a charm. We use it on Henry’s cheeks when they get chapped and on any tiny eczema patches when we see them. Applied consistently, it heals spots right up with all natural ingredients (and it has the yummiest smell to boot!). As an alternative to oft-recommended steroidal creams for baby eczema, I was thrilled to discover this option worked for our bug. As a daily body lotion, we love the above-mentioned Burt’s Bees Nourishing Lotion. 99.9% natural, it packs a moisturizing punch, smells sweetly, and comes in at nearly half the price of comparable all natural baby lotions (still flying under the radar with a very minimal number of synthetic and/or processed ingredients). I don’t feel guilty spending a little more to feel comfortable with what we’re applying daily to the munchkin’s skin. And since we added these two  to our regimen, Henry is nearly eczema free and rarely dry. What’s not to love?

We’ve come a long way from the newborn napper and bouncer that once held coveted spots on Henry’s top ten list. Instead, we’re now embracing noisier toys, books, and finger foods, just as a nine month old should. Undoubtedly, the list will morph again quickly as we approach a first birthday, the Summer months, learning to walk and run and liven things up even more. There are other items, too, that didn’t make the cut but could have–so many products we appreciate as parents that make the task of raising a little one oh-so-much more manageable on a daily basis. While it can be overwhelming to make choices when you want the absolute best for your child “no matter what,” we’ve learned that the very best item for our babe can sometimes be the free one we were handed down, an item we borrowed, something we made, or the exact opposite of what we thought would be absolutely perfect before we tried it. Regardless, Henry is happy and healthy, changing and learning at a wonderful, steady pace. Top ten or no top ten, we are lucky, lucky, lucky and growing ever more so by the day.

from our little reviewer to yours,

mm (& co.)

love to love you.

5 Feb

Being a mom is the most amazing, challenging, incredible, humbling, tireless, rewarding, worrisome, wonderful job in the world, and Henry David is the greatest blessing we’ve ever received. But we haven’t been without him (together) overnight since the day he was born–until this weekend. And stepping away from the responsibilities of mom and dad to enjoy close to 24 hours of time, just us, was such a gift!

We didn’t escape far, but Grand Rapids was just close enough that we didn’t lose sleep, and just far enough away that we wouldn’t check in. Not only did we all survive, but it’s fair to say that we’re all better for the time we spent “out of town.” Although we have a lot of fun as a trio, it was valuable to my heart to have fun–just J and me, without worrying about the little man and the next feeding time, next nap, next…

Dinner, a beautiful hotel, a perfect view, breakfast in bed, and a lunch date before coming home did this mama a world of good.

I love my baby boy. But I loved my grown-up boy, first. And I love that when we love each other well, we love Henry better, too!

blessed and refreshed. indeed.

mm

heart of worship.

29 Jan

My heart was heavy this morning. And I wanted so badly to be able to pray through what I was processing and to give it my all, but I just didn’t have it in me. Do you know the feeling?

I trudged through breakfast and taking care of Henry in a cloud. I watched the snow fall in giant, perfect flakes outside and tried to put all of my energy into thinking about the weather. I wondered if I’d have noticed–on any other given day, the way white tufts were piling up like cotton blossoms on the tips of branches out the front window.

Distraction is not a good replacement for going to God.

But I tried anyway. I thought about the eggs as I scrambled them in the pan. I tried to enjoy my coffee and couldn’t. I put the little one down for a nap, picked out something to wear, started the water for a shower. And then it struck me. “All who are thirsty, all who are weak, come to the fountain, dip your heart in the streams of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed a way, let the waves of His mercy…as deep cries out to deep, we sing, ‘Come Lord Jesus, come. Come Lord Jesus, come.’”

The words washed over me like a wave. “Come Lord Jesus, come. Holy Spirit, come.” I let myself drown out everything else and embraced each word. The lyrics felt like a deep breath, a safe place to land, a peace offering. I made them my prayer–the one I couldn’t find an hour earlier, and that I so desperately needed. God met me where I was lacking, covered over me in a way I didn’t expect.

Still replaying the chorus of the song in my head a while later, “Heart of Worship” came to mind. “I’ll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required. You search much deeper within, through the way things appear. You’re looking into my heart. I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about you, it’s all about you, Jesus…”

“Come Lord Jesus, come. Holy Spirit, come. It’s all about you, Jesus.”

Even in the moment when I couldn’t articulate a request to God, He had already found me and been searching my heart. Gently prodding, He brought me back to what was important, used my vulnerability for good, reminded me that a posture of surrendered worship is a worthy offering. And honestly, it felt like a cool balm, a protective covering over my spirit.

Tonight I’m still singing, “Come Lord Jesus, come,” –still unsure of what exactly to pray in my own words. But my heart is a little lighter, and I know that God is carrying the yoke. “Holy Spirit, come…” Sometimes the invitation is all it takes.

acknowledging joy in the offering…desiring to be more than a song,

mm

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