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her children rise up…

4 Mar

…and call her blessed. proverbs 31.28

Seven days ago, as I left Gramma Donna’s hospital room, I said goodbye to one of the most beautiful, influential people I’ve ever had the privilege to love. I knew as I walked away that night that I’d never see her sweet spirit again this side of Heaven. I had to go, but I hated to leave–to close the door on hours and days spent in that room with her, on so many “conversations” written on the white board over laughter and tears. A week earlier, Gramma had been placed in hospice care in the hospital, and our family had been given every indication that her days were few. I’m so thankful that nothing stopped me from packing up the car and making the drive with Henry back to Gramma’s “room with a view,” where we’d visited only days earlier. Then, Gramma and I had exchanged a beautiful conversation–one I will not soon forget and will always strive to remember…

From Monday until Sunday, Henry and I made our way to the hospital daily to be with “Gramma Gramma.” Not Great Grandma Donna (although she certainly was great), but “Gramma,” just the way she always spelled it, times two because it made Henry smile and I liked the ring to it. Whenever we gathered there, we did so in the company of all of Gramma’s children–my mom, aunts and uncle, their spouses, my cousins, and my dear sister, who flew in to be with Gramma, too. By Friday, Jason had joined us, and as the room swelled with people in and out, day by day, the memories and sorrow and grace and peace swelled there as well.

There are so many remarkable moments in the mix of our time together with Gramma that I know I’ll unpack for days to come. I am still processing so much and missing her so deeply…despite having 29+ years to celebrate with Gramma, the fact that our time together on earth is now over has me grappling in a way I’ve never felt before.

Gramma was a remarkable lady. An ideal role model for me and the definitive matriarch of our family. We are all far better off for being raised in her care, and now at a loss for losing her magnificent presence in our daily lives. Over time, I look forward to sharing the beauty that God crafted in our last days with Gramma. We are marked by her goodness–our family, a testament to who she was and all that she poured her life into.

Thank you for understanding the quiet that has characterized this space as of late. This experience has left me beyond having words to share. I hope to do it justice in some way as we move forward, but in the meantime, I’ll simply acknowledge how very blessed this has all been. God’s hand has been in every aspect, and we are all so thankful.

remembering,

mm

love you forever.

26 Feb

Gramma Donna, 3 July 1930 - 26 February 2012

All of Heaven is celebrating tonight. Here on Earth, yours is a space no one else could ever fill. My heart aches more than I can say. You changed everything for good.

i’ll love you forever, i’ll like you for always, as long as i’m living, my grandma you’ll be…

molly madonna

wordless.

24 Feb

For the first time in a long time, I’m struggling to put words to how I’m feeling–a strange and daunting turn for a girl like me, who clears and de-clutters my mind by putting pen to paper, fingers to keys. When the year began, I had committed to myself to blog once a day in 2012. I didn’t make the goal public, but the internal accountability was enough to keep me going. Until now.

There’s plenty swirling in my head, and I want to say all of it somehow–want to preserve memories from this week that I know will linger long after the days have gone. I’ve been hoping to preserve on a page all that I’m thinking and all that is happening, but it’s as if every single thought is bottle-necking because there are so many all at once…each leaving little room for any of the others to eek their way out, wild and free.

Nothing about this week feels wild and free. It feels personal, delicate, private. It handles like blown glass, beautiful and colorful at first glance, yet fragile, painstaking, malleable under fire and left to solidify at the hand of its maker. I feel as though I am passing it back and forth between my fingers, praying it won’t drop and knowing that at some point, I will have to let it go anyway. How do you let something so beautiful just go?

You don’t. And that’s why I’m out of sorts. Wordless in a sense, for someone who otherwise has so much to say. There isn’t an utterance to do it justice. Maybe someday there will be, but not for now.

My heart is heavy. In the midst of overwhelming graces, perfect moments, gratitude beyond measure, there is a very real and present awareness of what it happening, and you can’t put words to it while it takes shape. In a way, I think you just have to rest in it as best you can and swallow whole the minutes and hours and days as they present themselves–in tiny, beautiful packages prepared for us by a Creator who foreknew the number of hairs on our heads, the days on our calendars, our every breath. Sometimes, embracing each moment as such makes them possible to handle. It does for me.

doing my best to love with reckless abandon while i can, and searching out words in the process,

mm

progress revisited.

19 Feb

Seven months ago (minus one day :), I wrote the post below on the subject of progress. Tonight when I sat down to blog, amidst my fill of emotions on a challenging evening, I knew there were words I’d written before that would fit the bill to a T. This particular post was a good reminder for me about being intentional and making the most of what we’ve been given. I’ll share more soon about why this is so significant in the moment, but for now, I hope the refresher is as good for you as it was for me tonight. The part striking a chord most fittingly was this–

Love your heart out. Love until it hurts, until you’re exhausted and you can’t see straight. Love like tomorrow may not come, and then love even more when it does. Love so that everything [anyone] knows of you is filling up and bubbling over with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control…Love. Oooooooh, it’s the very easiest and the very hardest thing to do at times. But it’s worth it.

Without further ado, progress:

“It’s in the little things. I used to think that moving forward meant huge strides or big, ginormous leaps into new territory, but sometimes (or most times) it’s the small, hard-to-notice steps that really make the biggest difference. This applies to so many things in life…the littlest prayer turns into a daily conversation with God, which turns into life change and spiritual wellness and world change if we let it. One first jog around the block becomes two, becomes miles, becomes a marathon. One day’s change in a piggy bank evolves into a dream vacation, a college fund, a downpayment on a house, savings. And all of the little steps we take to get to such monumental places in our lives are each significant in their own right. Without one step, how can we take two?

I’m thinking about this tonight as I ponder our new way of life with a little one, and as our conversations these days revolve around schedules, structure, finances, our future…Henry’s. When you have a baby, suddenly you think about his or her future more than your own. And life choices feel more significant because you’re making them for more than just you; for more than just you and your spouse and your future together for the next however many years. Now, I think about Henry and the generations after him. I think about things like diapers in landfills (insignificant in the grand, Kingdom scheme) and generational sin (HUGELY significant where the Kingdom’s concerned)–and everything in between. How will we afford what Henry needs on every level? Spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally, financially? And what about his someday brothers or sisters? Whoa. There is serious significance to a good number of the decisions we make, and at just shy of three months old, Henry is making this more obvious to us than ever before. (Just one of the many reasons we’re meant to procreate and look after children, no?)

So these smallish steps we’re taking daily are baby steps for a reason. We have to relearn to navigate a lot of territory, for Henry’s sake, yes, but for our own as well. There are still plenty of priorities that stayed the same when Henry came along, but there’s a whole new set of priorities that are edging their way into the daily mix. Of utmost importance and at the top of the priority list? Love.

Love your heart out. Love until it hurts, until you’re exhausted and you can’t see straight. Love like tomorrow may not come, and then love even more when it does. Love so that everything this little person knows of you is filling up and bubbling over with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Love in your home so that there’s no question about where it comes from. Love God so that your little one(s) can see Him radiating through you into their lives. Love your spouse, inwardly and outwardly, in such a way that your tiny babe can SEE it between you and KNOW how secure a life he or she is living as part of a family. Love. Oooooooh, it’s the very easiest and the very hardest thing to do at times. But it’s worth it.

Every time we choose love over the alternative (whatever that may be in any case…exhaustion, laziness, disdain, frustration, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, forgetfulness, distraction, pain, naivety, hate, mistrust…), we take one step in the right direction. Not only the right direction for our little ones, but for our own hearts, our marriages, our friendships, and most especially, for our relationship with Christ. And that–no matter how many dishes are left dirty in the sink, no matter how many loads of laundry are left to do at the end of the day, is progress.

I want Henry to remember a mom who took care of things…one who cooked and cleaned and washed and kept things up so he felt provided for in as many ways as possible. But more than that, I want him to remember how I prayed. And I want him to remember–so well that he can grasp at any moment, for his whole lifetime, how I loved.”

processing,

mm

and my burden, light.

18 Feb

This is not the first time I’ve come to the blog at the end of the day and found this verse on my mind: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Mt. 11:28-30

After two emotionally challenging days, I need to be reminded. Not just for my own sake, though. There is comfort in knowing that this verse applies for anyone who will embrace it–dear friends, family, and strangers alike.

Come to me. A perfectly simple invitation. Come. Bring yourself. Bring the junk from your day, the mess you’ve made or the mess you’re in. Bring the hurts and the triumphs, the hard stuff, the stuff you can’t handle on your own. Just come.

All you who are weary and burdened. This is an all inclusive gig. No one gets left out here. Are you exhausted of something? Are you weary from the everyday, the routine, the rhythm? Or maybe the non-ordinary, super hard stuff? Can’t get something or someone off your mind or heart? Feel a bent towards righting an injustice or helping a complete stranger? Then this means you.

And I will give you rest. “I will,” Christ promises. Perhaps not eight hours of solid sleep or a king-sized bed, but real, valuable rest. Your spirit will be refreshed. You won’t run out of steam and have to give up. His grace will be sufficient for you. You heart will be well again. You will always have what you need, when you need it.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart. Christ will be careful with you. Pursuing Him and leaning on Him will make anything easier–if you’ll let it. He will teach you how to focus on what he has shown you, training you to become more and more like Himself in the process.

And you will find rest for your souls. No, really. This is so important it’s stated twice. No one gets to be the energizer bunny without sufficient rest. When you lean into God, He gives you strength for the next step. And then the next. And the next. You don’t have to know how things will turn out in the end, because God already has you covered. He has written and is writing your story as you sit at your computer/read your phone this very minute.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Pursuing me, following my promptings, resting in my promises for your life, and opening up your hand to me to release your troubles into my care–these are all ways to experience my peace. Ask me for what you need. Share your heartache. Pray over and over again. Praise me in advance for what you’re trusting I will do. Go confidently in the direction I lead you. Leave your burdens with me, at the cross.

I am so thankful tonight for these promises from God, and for friends and family who become the Body of Christ around us when we need to be loved, reassured, prayed for, hugged tightly and encouraged in just the right moment. Things don’t always feel ok, or fair, or comprehensible. And we don’t get to have all of the answers, as much as we may want them. But we do know this: when we are weary or burdened and we ask for help, God will give us rest.

may it be so,

mm

this thing we do.

15 Feb

We spent a little time tonight watching videos from when Henry was just days and weeks old. I can’t believe that the teensy tiny baby on camera is the same child who keeps us moving at all times now, just seven, eight, nine months later. It’s a funny thing, being a parent at this stage. Nine + months doesn’t seem all that long ago, and of course we remember those first moments less than a year later. Right?

To some degree, I’d say. I do remember a lot about Henry’s birth and the days that followed, but I think there may have been a good portion that got tucked away behind the new parent haze and the major sleep deprivation that moved in with us when we got home from the hospital. Still, I loved it. Every minute of it. And tonight, watching snippets of our time as a very new family of three made my heart leap all over again. Sure, this gig is hard on a lot of days, but it’s the best job I’ve ever had. I know Jason would agree.

It’s amazing how much I find myself taken with every stage. A good friend has told me on multiple occasions that she’s loved every stage–and that they just get better and better. I admired the prospect of that possibility, but admittedly, I had a hard time believing it when I first set eyes on our little man–I was so in love. The longer I spent time with him as a newborn, the more I was convinced that there’d be little competition for how much my heart overflowed in that season. Not true. On Monday, when Henry said, “Hi!” for the first time while waving at a friend’s little girl, I was reminded just how much he is coming into his own–and how I love every single new change. This evening, when he said, “Buh Bye” while waving goodnight to friends, every bit of the mom in me lit up. More growth. More fun. More of something to celebrate as a parent.

At this stage of Hank’s development, every small thing feels like a big thing to me as his mama. In the same way that his first smile had me near tears in the nursery last Spring, Henry’s discoveries and new words, the connections he makes–and the ability to watch them happen, all bring me such great joy.

My friend was right. It just gets better and better. The day Henry came into our lives, I immediately loved our tiny baby boy more than I ever thought possible. I couldn’t describe just how good it felt then, and I can’t tonight. We are loving every stage as Hank’s parents. How could we not!?

making the days count,

mm

love is.

14 Feb

A handwritten note. A home cooked meal. A gentle voice. A prayer spoken. It’s an anonymous blessing, a purposeful act. It is filled with good intention.

Love is a back rub. It’s a task checked off your list by someone else, so you can step a little lighter. It’s a reminder that everything is going to be ok. It’s not easily contained.

Love weathers the unexpected. Is tireless. Fearless. Limitless. It induces hope.

Love is a nursing mother in the middle of the night. It’s a hard working father, providing for his family. It’s a child, clamoring to learn anything that will bring a smile, draw attention, result in praise. It is ingrained in us, and either nurtured in us or squelched in us from before we even enter the world.

Love might be a sacrifice of time, energy, resources, comfort, familiarity, belongings, words, hurt, addiction, quiet, space, basic needs, or temporary gratification. It is almost always a sacrifice of self, almost always calls us to a better version of ourselves than we’ve been before.

Love seeks justice, truth, forgiveness, reconciliation, restitution, resolution when possible, peace. It does not always seek equality, nor does it compromise Truth for the sake of making things easier or more comfortable. Love faces the hard things head on. Love leans on Truth in order that others might know it more deeply. Love never gives up.

Love is what you’re able to summon from your heart when you know who the world’s greatest Love is and when you accept what He made available for all of humankind. For that weird guy across the street. For the prisoner. For the prostitute. For the downcast and the outcast and the unloveable. For you.

LOVE is a four letter word, yes. And it’s something we celebrate on February 14th each year. But before and after it is these things or anything else, it is Christ on a cross, dying in my place–in your place, for sins He never committed, so that we might live in freedom through Him.

Love doesn’t just win, folks. Love IS. Alive, available, something you don’t have to wait for to possess. You only have to say yes to the greatest proposal in the history of creation. God is romancing each of us, if only we let Him.

love. today and every day,

mm

dear valentine.

13 Feb

Tomorrow will be my 8th Valentine’s Day with you, and in my estimation, the best one yet. Six years ago, I know I thought the same when you called from thousands of miles away–I can still remember where I stood for those significant (and expensive) minutes. I could tell you just how dark the sky was overhead, how much I missed home, missed you. Then surely, five years ago, just 38 days before we tied the knot. Four years ago…in Africa. There are others in our history, too, all made significant by your creativity and intention (you have always been remarkably good at acknowledging noteworthy days). But this one–this one I’m certain will top them all, and it isn’t for any number of chocolates or flowers or romantic cards (although the flowers today were perfect, and perfectly grand :).

I love that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, not because of the undue pressure it adds to couples and non-couples alike, but because it gives us an excuse to love extravagantly. And we could do this every day of the year (just like I could write this post to you any day of the year), but it might get a little cost prohibitive and silly after awhile, you know? What I mean by that is this: it’s nice to have an entirely acceptable reason to do something a bit special–or to embarrass gently, out of love. You know, the way we have lunch plans tomorrow, on an otherwise random Tuesday, and the way that I’m babbling on, in essence just trying to state publicly how much I love you, in a blog post.

Here’s the thing of it. We’ve weathered a lot. We’ve traveled the globe, created a home in four places, tackled challenging home projects (that’s a big deal;), had a BABY(we’re parents!), made time for others, made time for ourselves, made time for each other, made room for God, made room for change. We’ve admitted the hard things, done the hard things, become stronger because of them and in spite of them, learned lessons, grown determined and rolled to the middle. We are eight and a half years into being us, and we have so much to be thankful for together.

When it comes to celebrating love, I think we have a pretty incredible reason to partake in the whole Valentine’s Day extravaganza tomorrow. We get better at this every year. I like that about us.

love you, jmk. or in other words…i heart you. xoxo. be mine. happy valentine’s…

mm

love to love you.

5 Feb

Being a mom is the most amazing, challenging, incredible, humbling, tireless, rewarding, worrisome, wonderful job in the world, and Henry David is the greatest blessing we’ve ever received. But we haven’t been without him (together) overnight since the day he was born–until this weekend. And stepping away from the responsibilities of mom and dad to enjoy close to 24 hours of time, just us, was such a gift!

We didn’t escape far, but Grand Rapids was just close enough that we didn’t lose sleep, and just far enough away that we wouldn’t check in. Not only did we all survive, but it’s fair to say that we’re all better for the time we spent “out of town.” Although we have a lot of fun as a trio, it was valuable to my heart to have fun–just J and me, without worrying about the little man and the next feeding time, next nap, next…

Dinner, a beautiful hotel, a perfect view, breakfast in bed, and a lunch date before coming home did this mama a world of good.

I love my baby boy. But I loved my grown-up boy, first. And I love that when we love each other well, we love Henry better, too!

blessed and refreshed. indeed.

mm

henry’s first valentine.

1 Feb

Henry got his first ever Valentine in the mail today, and it came from one of my favorite people in the world. If anyone gets to be Hank’s Valentine before his mommy does, it’s Great Gramma Donna. She’s the very, very best.

On top of the fact that we got to spend the day with some of our dear friends in Grand Rapids, Henry and I were tickled to come home and open the mail. Two things that made today quite good indeed!

with a glad, grateful heart,

mm

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