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progress revisited.

19 Feb

Seven months ago (minus one day :), I wrote the post below on the subject of progress. Tonight when I sat down to blog, amidst my fill of emotions on a challenging evening, I knew there were words I’d written before that would fit the bill to a T. This particular post was a good reminder for me about being intentional and making the most of what we’ve been given. I’ll share more soon about why this is so significant in the moment, but for now, I hope the refresher is as good for you as it was for me tonight. The part striking a chord most fittingly was this–

Love your heart out. Love until it hurts, until you’re exhausted and you can’t see straight. Love like tomorrow may not come, and then love even more when it does. Love so that everything [anyone] knows of you is filling up and bubbling over with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control…Love. Oooooooh, it’s the very easiest and the very hardest thing to do at times. But it’s worth it.

Without further ado, progress:

“It’s in the little things. I used to think that moving forward meant huge strides or big, ginormous leaps into new territory, but sometimes (or most times) it’s the small, hard-to-notice steps that really make the biggest difference. This applies to so many things in life…the littlest prayer turns into a daily conversation with God, which turns into life change and spiritual wellness and world change if we let it. One first jog around the block becomes two, becomes miles, becomes a marathon. One day’s change in a piggy bank evolves into a dream vacation, a college fund, a downpayment on a house, savings. And all of the little steps we take to get to such monumental places in our lives are each significant in their own right. Without one step, how can we take two?

I’m thinking about this tonight as I ponder our new way of life with a little one, and as our conversations these days revolve around schedules, structure, finances, our future…Henry’s. When you have a baby, suddenly you think about his or her future more than your own. And life choices feel more significant because you’re making them for more than just you; for more than just you and your spouse and your future together for the next however many years. Now, I think about Henry and the generations after him. I think about things like diapers in landfills (insignificant in the grand, Kingdom scheme) and generational sin (HUGELY significant where the Kingdom’s concerned)–and everything in between. How will we afford what Henry needs on every level? Spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally, financially? And what about his someday brothers or sisters? Whoa. There is serious significance to a good number of the decisions we make, and at just shy of three months old, Henry is making this more obvious to us than ever before. (Just one of the many reasons we’re meant to procreate and look after children, no?)

So these smallish steps we’re taking daily are baby steps for a reason. We have to relearn to navigate a lot of territory, for Henry’s sake, yes, but for our own as well. There are still plenty of priorities that stayed the same when Henry came along, but there’s a whole new set of priorities that are edging their way into the daily mix. Of utmost importance and at the top of the priority list? Love.

Love your heart out. Love until it hurts, until you’re exhausted and you can’t see straight. Love like tomorrow may not come, and then love even more when it does. Love so that everything this little person knows of you is filling up and bubbling over with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Love in your home so that there’s no question about where it comes from. Love God so that your little one(s) can see Him radiating through you into their lives. Love your spouse, inwardly and outwardly, in such a way that your tiny babe can SEE it between you and KNOW how secure a life he or she is living as part of a family. Love. Oooooooh, it’s the very easiest and the very hardest thing to do at times. But it’s worth it.

Every time we choose love over the alternative (whatever that may be in any case…exhaustion, laziness, disdain, frustration, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, forgetfulness, distraction, pain, naivety, hate, mistrust…), we take one step in the right direction. Not only the right direction for our little ones, but for our own hearts, our marriages, our friendships, and most especially, for our relationship with Christ. And that–no matter how many dishes are left dirty in the sink, no matter how many loads of laundry are left to do at the end of the day, is progress.

I want Henry to remember a mom who took care of things…one who cooked and cleaned and washed and kept things up so he felt provided for in as many ways as possible. But more than that, I want him to remember how I prayed. And I want him to remember–so well that he can grasp at any moment, for his whole lifetime, how I loved.”

processing,

mm

love is.

14 Feb

A handwritten note. A home cooked meal. A gentle voice. A prayer spoken. It’s an anonymous blessing, a purposeful act. It is filled with good intention.

Love is a back rub. It’s a task checked off your list by someone else, so you can step a little lighter. It’s a reminder that everything is going to be ok. It’s not easily contained.

Love weathers the unexpected. Is tireless. Fearless. Limitless. It induces hope.

Love is a nursing mother in the middle of the night. It’s a hard working father, providing for his family. It’s a child, clamoring to learn anything that will bring a smile, draw attention, result in praise. It is ingrained in us, and either nurtured in us or squelched in us from before we even enter the world.

Love might be a sacrifice of time, energy, resources, comfort, familiarity, belongings, words, hurt, addiction, quiet, space, basic needs, or temporary gratification. It is almost always a sacrifice of self, almost always calls us to a better version of ourselves than we’ve been before.

Love seeks justice, truth, forgiveness, reconciliation, restitution, resolution when possible, peace. It does not always seek equality, nor does it compromise Truth for the sake of making things easier or more comfortable. Love faces the hard things head on. Love leans on Truth in order that others might know it more deeply. Love never gives up.

Love is what you’re able to summon from your heart when you know who the world’s greatest Love is and when you accept what He made available for all of humankind. For that weird guy across the street. For the prisoner. For the prostitute. For the downcast and the outcast and the unloveable. For you.

LOVE is a four letter word, yes. And it’s something we celebrate on February 14th each year. But before and after it is these things or anything else, it is Christ on a cross, dying in my place–in your place, for sins He never committed, so that we might live in freedom through Him.

Love doesn’t just win, folks. Love IS. Alive, available, something you don’t have to wait for to possess. You only have to say yes to the greatest proposal in the history of creation. God is romancing each of us, if only we let Him.

love. today and every day,

mm

everything.

24 Jan

Tonight’s gathering of worship team vocalists concluded with this song (below), the lyrics of which I can’t claim enough over my life. Perhaps I’ve heard it before, but I don’t remember it well. Sometimes things strike you suddenly–as if they’re brand new, when your heart is ripe and ready for them.

God, I invite you into my life in this way tonight. I don’t want to be lost in the rhythm of days and routine so much that I lose you in the small things. And I invite you into the big things too, God. I pray that you will work in my heart in a way that prepares me for your will in my life–in a way that makes room for you in everything that I am. Please help me to hear you, to be open to you, to glorify you in my roles as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, writer and employee. Continue to grow my servant heart. Shape me to be more of who you are. I love the idea of you as God in my breathing…God in my working…God in my waiting…God in my everything.

I’m so thankful for the reminder tonight that you are exactly what I need and who I am waiting for. I pray for your help–that I would have the ability to be quiet and listen, and that I would press into what you have for me in each day, trusting and walking faithfully through every high and low.

keeping my eyes and hands open,

mm

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything
© 2007 Sparrow

Christian lyrics - EVERYTHING LYRICS – TIM HUGHES

filling up days.

11 Oct

I am more absent here than I’d like as of late, and I know I’ll look back and wish that I’d somehow better documented all of the wonderful that is filling up my life right now. But the days are so full. And I go to bed SO late. And our growing boy gets up when he gets up–as all mothers reading this most definitely understand.

I am not complaining in the least bit, because truthfully, I love the moment in the morning when Henry’s head peeks over the side of his crib with those big eyes surveying the day and saying, “Hello, Mommy! I’m so glad to see you! And I’m SO hungry! Please pick me up so I can be all kinds of cuddly and lovey. It’s MORNING!!!” It’s pretty much the best thing ever…well, besides the snuggling before bed and all of the cozy in between. I looooooove being Henry’s mom. (But you knew that.)

So yes, the days are full, and full of all of the exact kind of things I imagined they’d be when I became a mom, plus a few more added in for good measure. I’m finding I spend little time on Facebook or browsing the internet or “window shopping” online anymore because there is little time to do it–and I’m grateful. Life has adjusted in such a way that I’ve swapped those things out for the fullness of one-on-one interactions with Hank and closer, more personal relationships with the moms, friends, family and world around me. It feels good. And at the end of the day, I am authentically and perfectly worn out. God is sustaining me each morning for whatever lies ahead of me in that 24 hour span of time. Thank goodness He is so attentive to my needs–even those in the categories of energy, patience, willingness, gratitude, rest, and peace on a daily basis. And his grace is the thing that gets me through to the next bit, and the next. We serve such a generous God!

Tonight, I have the chance to be in bed close to midnight, and I’m going to take it. I’m going to take it and run! But before I do, a few moments I have loved over the past few days and weeks…a few spaces where all of the grace and generosity and blessing pile up, sit at my feet, smile and gently say, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.” Oooooooh, life is so full of beauty I can hardly stand it sometimes. And I mean that in a very good way :)

full. oh so full.

mm

not the driver.

22 Sep

This morning while Henry napped, I got ready as usual and then tried to decide what one or two things to tackle before I expected him to wake up a short time later. I sorted and started a load of laundry, made the bed, wrote a commercial for work, sent a few emails, then checked to see if H was still breathing or lying awake in his crib in complete quiet. Nope, just sleeping. So I pondered squeezing in the dishes, making a phone call, sending a birthday text and folding some laundry…but not before a moment of clarity and the freeing decision to rid my life of Facebook for the week.

Here’s the thing of it: Facebook is an escape mechanism for me in far too many moments of the day. By nature of its convenient access on my phone, the habit of “just checking” sneaks in between activities with HD, while I’m nursing, before I fall asleep at night and generally whenever I have more than a minute (but less than 10) of downtime. I think I do this because I like to feel connected to the outside world while I’m at home with a very small person who does not yet make conversation. Facebook provides some sort of constant news reel into the daily lives of the people around me, and while I’m not often looking for the details of what’s happening across town or in someone else’s backyard, I am interested in the things that interest others–great links to intriguing websites, photos from the last historic wedding or vacation, queries about baby things and the delight of being new parents (as so many of our friends have become in recent weeks and months). Facebook creates the opportunity to share and interact without the necessity of scheduling twelve hundred coffee dates or lunches–it connects friends who would otherwise be at a distance and bridges the communication gap in all of our busy lives. And while I’m all for coffee dates galore and lunches penciled into plenty of squares on the calendar, let’s be honest. It would be impossible to connect with all of the same people we do on Facebook in actual, face-to-face conversation…or at least it would be impossible to do so nearly as often. So, yes. I like it. Admittedly, I’ve grown perhaps a little too attached to it in the quiet that has evolved around life as a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom. I used to interact with people in person all day long. And I miss it.

But truthfully, I’ve started to feel a bit strange about the way that I’m drawn to FB on the screen as soon as I open my computer. I’d rather check my news feed than my email, would rather catch up on photos of other people’s adorable children in photo albums than scrapbook all of the pictures piling up of our own. I think maybe I’ve lost a little bit of myself in the world of social networking, and I don’t even know when it happened.

This was a sobering realization this morning as I took a little time in the quiet just to think. I occurred to me that I’m always wishing for more time to handle the million things I either want or need to accomplish. Like blogging. Reading. Journaling. Sleeping. Working. Praying. (And not in that order.) There’s just so much I need–and I do mean need, to be about right now. And Facebook isn’t one of them. Yes, I absolutely want to connect with friends. Yes, I absolutely am interested in their lives, families, worries, excitements, and status updates. But my status as a spiritually and emotionally whole person is changing because I’m constantly discouraged about all I’ve needed to fit into one day and didn’t. And yes, I totally recognize this isn’t just about Facebook.

So today has been a lot about priorities, and about ways I can begin to curb my feelings of inadequacy on various levels in my daily life. When I made the decision to shut the Facebook window this morning and to sign off intentionally for at least a week, I immediately felt my spirit lift a little bit. It was freeing. One less thing that I have to keep up on throughout the day. I allowed myself to get into a habit that wasn’t necessarily harmful, but it wasn’t productive either. And now I’m going to break it.

As I went about the next 30 or so minutes of my morning before Hank woke up (Marathon nap today, little buddy. THANK YOU!), I felt like my mind was more clear and as though God was absolutely guiding me through my time. I’ve noticed quite regularly since H was born that if I desperately need to do or finish something before he wakes up, I have just exactly the perfect amount of time to complete the task. Then Henry, as if on cue, wakes up and lets me know I’m needed–not a moment too late nor a moment too soon. I’ve believed this is God’s way of blessing me with time on each occasion. And I believe without a doubt that it happened again today. I wanted to get a certain number of things done. I said a prayer. I had my little Facebook revelation, and I got to work. Darn if Henry didn’t sleep right up until I was finished with what I needed to do. God covered me and my time this morning, and I think it’s because I let Him drive. I’m certain I didn’t arrive at the conclusion to ditch Facebook all on my own–I like it too much. Instead, I just asked God to help me find time, and He did, right in front of me. Right where I needed it. As silly as it may seem, it’s a big deal to me. Life is a whole lot smoother a ride when I don’t always insist on driving.

handing over the keys this week, and hopefully the next…and the next…

mm

laundry.

10 Sep

Sometimes, while doing the laundry, I could just cry at how perfectly small Henry’s clothes are. Folding onesies and baby socks and tiny little pants and shirts, I’m genuinely overwhelmed by what a great blessing it is to have the responsibility. Tonight, as I took H’s sweet little swim shirt out of the washer, I thought about mommies at heart who have never had the privilege of putting away clothes for a baby of their own. And I said a little prayer of thanksgiving for the honor of being a mom–for the joy of doing laundry late on a Saturday night and for all of the reasons our washer and dryer get so much use these days. I’m not sure I would have been so taken by plain old laundry at any other point in my life until now, but somehow I’m soaking up the chance to wash items that have become favorites…drying things gingerly in hopes that Henry might wear them “just one more time” before I have to put them away for (hopefully!) future babes.

I love the smallness of Henry’s clothes. I’m taken by the perfection of the arms and legs and hands and feet that fit inside them. As our bug grows, I’ll miss this sweet time of tiny little everything–will likely trade my joy over Hank’s baby items for new delights found in grass-stained knees, ground in dirt and the wonder that is a growing, curious, adventurous little boy.

Coming from a girl who thought she could never really get into baby boy clothes, I’m amazed at how much they mean to me now. Turns out, I just needed the right little man to wear them ;)

in the midst of trying to serve, i marvel at the way God is serving my heart!

mm

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