I’m just over a quarter of the way through this 100 day challenge, and aside from being grateful to have regular documentation of my thought process and feelings on this journey toward motherhood, I’m also really thankful for the ways that it has caused me to be more introspective. I want to articulate real, honest sentiments here. And even if that makes me more vulnerable to the world than I’ve been in times past, I’m challenged (in a good way) to really share from my heart. On certain days, this means that I give significant thought to how I can best convey deep emotion or personal revelation, without jeopardizing confidentiality, integrity or relationships. It’s one thing to put myself out there for others to see, but it’s another entirely to bring supporting characters onto the stage.

There are days when it would be easier to just indulge and share everything I’m thinking–anecdotes and conversations and names and all. And I suppose I could do that. But there is a careful and cautious measure that comes with putting things in writing here–especially when the people and interactions in my daily life are naturally a part of what and how I process. I think I come here as much to digest as I do to hopefully inspire, motivate or resonate with an audience; it seems a delicate dance sometimes…

All of this “honest” thinking (and simultaneous blogging) tonight comes out of a day that poises me to consider where I really land. By this, I mean where I draw lines and boundaries for myself in friendship and as a person. What am I willing to compromise for the sake of being agreeable, or for the sake of not stepping on toes? Ruffling feathers?

If you know me personally, you know that I’m comfortable speaking up approximately 95% of the time. The other 5%? I reserve that for days like today, where I’m left feeling torn and just wanting to be honest and knowing exactly what I would say if I were to be blatantly, uncompromisingly truthful. The debate begins in my head and does a carousel-like spin around and around for a while, until I come to a point of decision, or I leave things as is–only to arrive back in the same place a few days or weeks or months later. And I’m starting to think that while it’s best not to just blurt out what I’m thinking in the moment, it might be healthier if I revisited conversations and still took the opportunity to be candidly (albeit, graciously) honest at some point. You know, after I’ve cooled off or vented to a trustworthy source or slept on it for a night or two.

The verdict is still out tonight.

So while I’m struggling with a few things that I won’t likely resolve in an evening (or even by the time I wake up to a new day), I’m going to make my best effort at continuing down an integrity-driven path. I don’t anticipate it will be easy or altogether without blemish. Still, I’ll try. In the meantime, I’ll be thankful today for the reminder that lifelong friendships are the 100%- honest-without-any-reservation kind. The kind where you can say what you feel, and you can do so without worry about what it will sound like across the table. The kind that pick up wherever they leave off, that are full of grace, that make you feel more like yourself when you encounter them. The kind that defend you and have your very best interest at heart–the ones that ache for you when you ache, as you do for them.

Today I’ll hold onto the feeling I had walking away from lunch, when I crossed the street and recalled a quote I’ve appreciated for a long time: “Ah, how good it feels! The hand of an old friend.” –Longfellow

I hope to fill my life with interactions that elicit such a joyful reflection. I hope to be the kind of friend who fills up others with the same.

And that’s me, just being honest.

mm