It’s true. I can’t. It’s 12:38am as I sit down to write this, but I just couldn’t go one more day without blogging. Life is flying by at a spectacular (and sometimes frightening) pace. In the midst of this (Henry’s first Christmas season and my first REAL crack at hosting Christmas in the little blue house) hurried and busied time of year, so much is happening that I don’t want to forget…never mind that there are things I want to say to the world at large on a daily basis that just plain get lost in the fray.

I’m saddened by this.

Because I’m still here, but not here. And writing is one of the things that moves my heart most, but I’m hardly doing it. I don’t blink long enough to even capture all of the memorable moments these days on a calendar–let alone in a lengthy blog post. Oh, I miss this.

A few reasons why my words fall (much to my chagrin) to the bottom of the list on any given day:

Numero Uno, and quite obviously: Henry. The very best reason. Not an excuse. Definitely a reason. Because I don’t want to miss a thing that he does during the day, because we eek out every last ounce of our playtimes in the nursery as a family at night, and because after Hank is down for the count, there is still plenty more day left for yours truly. When the to-do’s are done and settled, it is inevitably midnight or quite a bit later. Then, in the moment between “I think I’ll blog tonight” and “Molly, you have to get up in 5 hours,” the still small voice of my maternal conscience reminds me that my eyes should probably be open when I play with Henry in the morning. Yes. Sleep–even 4 or 5 hours of it, is necessary. And so is Henry. 🙂

#2: Sleep. Obviously this goes on the list. See above with questions.

#3: Home projects. When you own an old house (or any house) the list is never finished. I think this is especially true in an old house because it calls for attention in places that newer construction may not. This is the compromise for arched doorways and original hardwood floors and cozy bedroom nooks (all of which we love), among a thousand other features of an old home that make it unique and beautiful and simply us. But there is a considerable amount of time required to keep it up (or to update it), and in our case, to ponder the latest discovery of a crazy hack job done by any number of previous owners. Figuring out how to undo it and redo it correctly takes at least three times as long as just doing it right in the first place. So we make a lot of trips to Menards. And we learn a lot about what not to do from the people who have gone before us…and it’s possible that we sometimes think a few choice words in our heads. Not saying it’s right,  just saying.

#4: Chores. I’m separating this out from #3, because home projects are more the kind of thing that take you down a rabbit trail of one thing to the next…to the next and maybe the next after that. You know, the kinds of things that consume whole weekends (not that we would know anything about that). Side thought: If Menards had a courier service, it would be brilliant. And we would probably pay for it. Wouldn’t you? At any rate, chores. Laundry. Dishes. Cleaning the bathrooms. Floors. Vacuuming up endless evidence of the black labrador who sheds in every season, at every opportunity. Did I mention laundry? General upkeep. You get the idea. The stuff you used to do begrudgingly when you were single and childless, that you now look forward to because it means a decently large sense of victory at the end of the day. Plus clean socks. Those help.

#5: Outside obligations. I’m talking meetings, work, ministry commitments, moms groups, play dates, etc. Mostly good and enjoyable, but hard to blog around. LOTS of material for great posts here, to be sure. Just not enough time to do so once you get the kiddo(s) home, changed, fed, burped, napped and ready for bed. So much gets lost between all of the spaces in the calendar these days. Things people said that mattered or made me laugh. Things I want to share with you here. Things that are hard, beautiful, stressful, amazing. I often end up filing them for “future use” instead. And there they sit. For forever.

#6: Communication glitches. Like that time a few weeks ago when I dropped my phone and rendered it incapable of typing. 🙂 That’s right. No texting or emailing from my “smart phone” anymore. One slip off my lap getting out of the car, and it’s officially a dumb phone from here on out. How does this relate? Backup of email replies and responses to the world = time spent at the computer late at night catching up. Also, our internet provider has been awesome lately, permitting access to all-things-Google only 4.5 out of 7 days this past week. That’ll throw a kink in the mix.

#7: Christmas. Yep, it’s Christmas. Ok, 7 days until Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday, and yet, this year all of the preparation is wearing on me in a new way. The efforts of putting up the tree and decorating the house, of wrapping perfect presents and preparing mouthwatering menus are piling on. And when I know the day will arrive regardless, and that we’ll celebrate the birth of Christ no matter how well-lit our abode, I just feel a little silly getting all worked up over the details. So why is it that it’s so hard not to? One more errand. One more gift. One more Type-A bow. I can’t help myself when I’m in it, and I don’t know how to be “out” of it, so I strive like most to create a perfect Christmas in my mind. I am certainly excited to celebrate Henry’s first Christmas here at home, but I wish I could shed all of the hurried preparation that comes with the general speed of the season. I know, the ball is in my court–I’m just being perfectly honest.

And so. Here we are. Over 1,000 words later and I’m obviously trying somehow to make up for lost time. Are you still reading? Am I still really awake?

Tomorrow there will be presents to wrap and more things to decorate. Cookies to bake and groceries to buy. But I’ll know when my feet hit the floor in the morning that I wrote for a while, and that it felt good. Just honest and a little bit raw and good. Because life is busy–for everyone, and it’s not always the big stuff that makes you feel small. Sometimes it’s just the piling on of thing after thing, the way that lists and obligations and quirky internet keep us from some of the parts of life that we love.

At any rate, I’m still here. Still scheming and dreaming and occasionally, freaking in about all of the things I need to do right now or tomorrow or later this week. Irrational, I know. And perfectly normal, I think.

I hope to be back sooner than later, of course. Henry is doing all kinds of fun things as of late, and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to record his latest antics and tricks! In the meantime, all is calm, all is bright. Truly. I’ll get there 🙂

mm