Hank,

A note to you is long past due. You’ll be getting another before the week is out, but in the meantime, it would do my mama heart some good to tell you what’s on my mind.

Life has been quite busy lately, and I’m hopeful that you haven’t felt the brunt of it in our days together. This is the first in many days that I feel like I can breathe (and blog)–I’ve had a big goal on my plate with a deadline I couldn’t ignore, and balance has been trickier than I wanted it to be for your sake. I’ve been crunching tasks into every spare minute, using nap times as battleground for paperwork and essays, and juggling every other responsibility into the midst of your playtimes, mealtimes, routines.

I’ve tried to make sure we’re still carving out time for all of the important stuff: cuddling up with a stack of books, sharing a bagel at the coffee shop, choosing the perfect matchbox car to take along each day, and picking out veggies at the market mid-week. And yet, our usual pace together has been different–me always checking the clock and thinking about what’s next, while dying to be present and appreciative of the way you eat your breakfast at your own speed, savoring and sticking to every bite. I want you to know that I love our time together, and I’m asking your forgiveness now if I haven’t honored all of the seconds we’re blessed to share. As always, you are still gracious and persistent–still asking to climb into my lap without reservation, still cuddly, still with that look in your eye as though your mama could do no wrong in this world. It isn’t true, darling. But you can know at this moment and forever that my intention is to do right by you at every turn. I’m offering you my best, in other words, and when I get it wrong, the heart behind it is still intended for good.

You are so young and small in the grand scheme, but your ability to forgive and love and run at something unabashedly is changing my world every day. You are a constant reminder that I am called to something far bigger than myself. All of my hopes and dreams have you in them–wrapped up and intertwined in the very best ways, all of my intentions and actions with you in mind. I pray that we will do life like this for a very long time, learning from and spurring each other on as we are called to do, honing our spirits and our love for each other as mother and child with every step. You amaze me. Amaze, amaze, amaze. I’ve never deserved you, but entrusted into my care, I will do my best to serve you well in every moment offered.

This morning, we wandered to the post office together (police car and tractor in hand) and put a weighty, beautiful, bloodsweatandtears packet of documents in the mail and sent it far away. To me, it represented perseverance, passion, calling, diligence, grace. To you, it means your mama is a little more free to just be–to take our days in stride and to pour time into you more fully in the days ahead. We left the post office with a new lease on the day and a very fancy “I visited the post office today” sticker on your jacket. Indeed you did, bug of mine. Thank you for going with the flow, for reminding me to take time outs for playing and getting dirty and snuggling up, and for flexibly and breezily coming along for the ride!

love you more than ever,
mommy