There is a lot of time between the moment you find out you’re pregnant and the day you head to the hospital to deliver a baby. A lot of time. Or at least it feels that way, until you’re suddenly just five or so weeks from your due date and baby’s arrival is somehow coming up fast. You start to think of all the things you want to be sure to have done before the little one is born…of all the things you feel like you should do: nursery prep, home organization, deep cleaning, LOTS of baby laundry, more organizing, mentally preparing your other child(ren), catching up on play dates and correspondence, fitting in dates with your spouse, getting some sleep, etc. And above and beyond all that, of course, readying yourself emotionally and mentally for the big day and major life change that’s around the corner.

Is it possible that we can distract ourselves so much with the details of how everything looks and feels aesthetically, that we can miss the opportunity to really prepare our heads and hearts for one of the biggest and greatest days of our whole life?

I’m so thankful that God is slowing my pace down enough to find moments to remind me…Molly, let’s focus on your head and heart. The rest can wait if necessary, but get that part settled first. Yes. Let’s. That part needs to settle and be settled. For a few reasons…

After several weeks of running around with the weight of two bad care giver interactions on my shoulders, I’m trying hard to get back to a place where I wholeheartedly trust my body and my baby to be able to work together seamlessly. I feel like I experienced that as much as possible with H, and this time, I really don’t feel like I should have room for doubt. But the words of my (then) doctor keep creeping in. I’m having to fight more than I want to to preserve the peace in my heart that was so prevalent before.

People say dumb things sometimes, and depending on their relevance to the important things in your life, they can really have an impact. We should choose our words so wisely and be kind to each other’s hearts.

Now, I don’t expect a doctor to really understand this “kind to each other’s hearts” bit completely, as it’s not in his job description. But after several years of conversations and appointments with said dr., I really thought we had developed a great rapport. I’m sorry to say that it didn’t stick. I’m 34.5 weeks pregnant, and my first official appointment with my new dr. is two days away. I’m feeling all kinds of relieved and nervous and hopeful at the same time. Lord willing, we made the right choice for our family, and most importantly, for the health, safety, and peace of this baby and me. Admittedly though, I’m still hearing my old doctor in my head, and I’m having to work extra hard not to carry around the weight of some overflowing self-doubt and worry with regard to baby’s birthday. I’m determined to go in with the best possible mentality, it’s just taking some time to get there.

At some point, I’ll share how the entire scope of my picture for baby’s d-day has changed dramatically in the past few weeks. It’s fairly raw, and I don’t think it’s quite the time yet to open up about it. I’ve been working through my own disappointments and trying to reshape my hopes in my head–and somewhat quickly. I still have no idea what that day will look like to a large degree, but even when you’ve prepped and planned and prayed like crazy, there are always going to be outlying factors that you can’t know or plan for in advance. So, I’m working my hardest at preparing my heart in other ways.

I love these moments at the end of the day, when it’s often just me and baby here on the couch. I watch him or her move without reservation in my belly, and I am reminded of the miracle of all of this…the incredible answer to many prayers that this baby has been all along, and the amazing process that God has designed for us as human beings. How did something so very small and microscopic already grow to have such a prominent place in my belly? In our lives?

Nine months, give or take a bit. All the time in the world and yet, not quite enough to prepare ourselves for the inevitable surprises and delights of childbirth and bringing a whole new person home to love and care for from here on out. I’m working on getting there, with some handful of weeks to go. And when the day arrives, I’ll be praying like crazy for God to bridge any gaps left over–that I would embrace the day with zero reservation and approach this new experience with complete joy in every bit of the process.

lovin’ on this baby as i prep in every way.

mm