I never expected to be this stir crazy. I am so taken with pregnancy and so much of what it entails, and I want to just love every last bit of it to pieces. Turns out I’m also really human. And I really, really want to meet this little person. The idea of seeing his or her face is fueling me forward and driving me nearly in circles. I think I ask God for peace and patience in every hour.

This morning was particularly hard for me. I woke up at 5:30a to a contraction, and they kept coming–every seven minutes, for two hours. I rested in bed, but my wheels were also turning. I’d tell J when he woke up. We’d have a slow morning with Henry. I wouldn’t have to wake anyone…I’d just call at a normal time of day to say that this was it–that things were in motion. I got up and started doing random things around the house that I suddenly wanted done. I was trying to strike a balance between being really excited and really practical. And then the contractions stopped.

Oh, the struggle I had for the next few hours, trying to figure out why this is my journey this time–nothing like the last time at all, and so much more like a tug of war for my heart. I’m wanting to have peace on everyone’s behalf, and instead, I’m here trying just to find some semblance of contentment while my mind swirls. What is with this newfound impatience? Where are all of my prayers going as I send them up? I know God hears and sees me, so what is the purpose in all of it?

Trust. I think it comes down to this very simple thing. God is saying to trust Him and His timing and His will for this baby’s entrance into the world. I also think God is asking me to quiet my heart in an otherwise noisy room. I thought I was good at this, and in seasons, I am. Right now, I feel like I’m attempting to learn the skill all over again.

I sat quietly on the couch this morning while the boys were still sleeping and prayed and read and tried to center myself on the thing I know. God is here and with me and has it all under control. I tried to exercise my ability to open up my hands and release the day, this week, my “due date,” the circumstances of this labor and delivery…all of it. And there were moments today when that happened. For this, I’m super grateful.

What’s working best is keeping somewhat busy and surrounding myself with lovely things and lovely people as I wait. And attempting to have a great deal more patience with myself than what I’m normally capable of. This is challenging with all of the tiredness and emotions in the mix, but I’m relying on God’s help to get to the right place. It’s probably when I do that this baby comes freely and without reservation. I pray that he or she will feel ushered into this world surrounded by a crazy amount of love and peace.

Tonight, I’ll go to bed tired and hopeful. Hopeful for a great new day tomorrow, for even more joy in the waiting, for grace to extend to myself and others. And tomorrow we’ll be one day closer to this little peanut and the newness of things again with a baby, fresh from Heaven, added to our lives.

it’s all worth the waiting, and i know that. i’m just having to relearn and relearn and relearn. 😉

breathing. deeply.

mm