Today is an *all* of the things day. As in, no matter how hard I try to stay positive and joyful about my circumstances, life is throwing curve ball after curve ball. I feel like I am wading through jello as I approach even the normal, typical, daily tasks.
I know for certain that everyone I’ve ever met has had an *all* of the things kind of day. This is not because it’s lost on us that we are still crazy fortunate and can always count blessings if we stop to think about it. This is because we are human, because we have young children, because some things are just plain out of our control…because someone else is having a bad day, or the moon is getting full, or simply, because we aren’t well rested or well fed or stress free. Some days the things just pile up, one after another. And I’m sharing because I realized something today in the midst of my own pile:
The world doesn’t have to be crumbling…our lives don’t have to be turning upside down…we don’t always have to compare our “small” problems to someone else’s “big” problems and feel guilty that we’re temporarily frustrated. It’s OK to feel the weight of *all* of the things and to acknowledge that we are more desperate, more sold out, more human, more imperfect, more in need of a Savior.
This year has been hard. Maybe harder for our family than any other to date. And certainly harder than I ever like to admit to myself or others.
It’s much easier for me to carry guilt around for having a bad day than it is to acknowledge that a bad day is a fine thing to have. I see people…not just any people, but very dear friends, members of our family, people we do life alongside…who are experiencing really, really hard things. And no matter how difficult some things have felt here, in my heart, I’ve continued to tell myself that they’re not as hard as what so-and-so is going through. Not as hard as what most of the rest of the world faces.
And then I pile on guilt. And I minimize the hard in my own life because I believe the lie that it doesn’t stack up to someone else’s hard.
The lie: Because my hard isn’t as big as someone else’s, I can’t be honest about it and how it makes me feel. I can’t let it be hard, or admit that it’s hard, because it’s not nearly as significant as someone else’s struggle. To admit that something has been crazy hard is to minimize what someone else is going through. And it means that I’m obviously not grateful for all of the good in my life.
Calling this out as a lie is credit and testimony to the handful of friendships in my life who are willing to do real life–beautiful, crazy, terrifying, messy, hard life, with me. These friends have been honest about my struggle with guilt as our family has faced hard things. These friends have named my guilt. And they are the first to pray, to check in, to love, to be honest, when I start believing the lie again that I’m not allowed to call a spade a spade. To call the hard things, hard.
To have an *all* of the things day, like today, is to acknowledge that the little things stacking up are enough to send us to our knees. I’m not saying the 32 inconveniences today even remotely measure up to someone else’s really, truly devastating day–or to my own. I’m saying that I don’t think we need to beat ourselves up over being frustrated, when sometimes the 32 little things can make a regular day feel really rotten.
I’m saying that I’m going to try to be honest with myself and not feel guilty (and I don’t think you should either), when days like today feel really raw for *all* of the little reasons.
Today I struggled over dollars lost when I’m trying so hard to be a good steward. Today I strained with all of me to put a fighting, 46 pound four year old in the cart at Target to try and hold my ground as a mom. And I got kicked in the gut. Literally. Today it took me 45 minutes to get through the store when all I went in for was diapers, hand soap and kleenex. I changed another, countless poopy diaper in the parking lot, I battled wills from all angles, I broke my sunglasses, and I cried in front of my kids in the driveway.
These are not big things, but they’re my things. And in total, they were either going to put me over the edge or send me to my knees. I know God can be glorified in the latter.
So I put my big girl pants back on, but not before I asked God for help. Not before I took a moment to be honest with myself that things felt hard. What else is there to do? This, I suppose. To share openly about the stirrings of my day so that when you have a day with *all of the things*, you allow yourself to have it instead of feeling guilty that you couldn’t pull it all together or hold back tears.
Because it can be hard to extend ourselves grace. And it can be hard to ask God for it sometimes. He gives it freely though, if we’re willing to ask, and I believe He extends it far beyond the hard and the ugly and the things.
grace to you, my sweet friends. grace for it *all*, big and little, today and every day.
mm
P.S: Care to say NO to guilt with me as I keep working on it this year? I hope you will 🙂
Love your heart. Love your bravery. Love your writing. Love your new blog!! And amen to no guilt. I have had a few people dismiss their own hard around me because it’s not “Cancer” and I have a really hard time with this because I think of their stresses, and yours, as just as annoying and… hard. So thank you for speaking to that. I’ve said a few times that I can face my cancer but I cannot face another month (of a 7 month struggle) of trying to potty train my almost 4 year old! Seriously. Comparison and guilt is such a terrible tool of the enemy. Thank you for speaking truth. 🙂
Hi Christen! My goodness, do your words bless me!! And I’m so glad you’re here…thank you for being so encouraging, validating, uplifting 🙂 I’m realizing more and more all of the time that this guilt I tend to carry isn’t helping anyone at all–I could absolutely be putting that energy into better places. It’s so easy to shove down the big things when they’re big and the small things when they’re small, when really, we know God sees them all and feels our hurts equally. I hesitated posting today, but then just felt like I wouldn’t be true to the prompting if I didn’t get to writing. So…here we are. And I so completely hear you on the potty training bit! You exude grace and God’s joy in the midst of the very hard, and I’m humbled by your faithfulness. Praying, my friend!!
Molly, I love your openness and honesty along with God’s leading in your life. While I’m not a mom of a toddler I’m a widow with similar struggles. No one expects to loose their husband but 3 years ago at 53 years old I did. Guilt – I get it, did I do enough, did I trust God enough – all things I think about every day. I’ve learned to trust God but wow it’s hard some days. I don’t sleep well at night, I worry about things I can’t control but above all I thank God for the grace he gives. I could ramble on about life’s struggles, God’s blessings, my love of my job, friends and life in general but I won’t. I will just say Thank You for being you and sharing your life with others. If I can be of help to anyone going through a tough time, cancer, or life struggles I’d be happy to lend a listening ear. I by no means have all or any of the answers but I have a passion for people and am happy to share my experiences with others.
Gwen, I’m so grateful for your honesty. And while we’re being honest ;), I’m so thankful every time I run into you anywhere. You share such joy just being who you are, and it’s clear to me that in the midst of those doubtful times and in the hardest spots, you lean on God for grace and peace. You couldn’t shine so brightly if you didn’t! I’m sorry for the days that are harder than others–when Jason had his accident in December all of the thoughts and possibilities ran through my mind and I was terrified. Not at all the same as your losing Ken, but I remember the thought of Jason being gone and my heart was so challenged. You are amazing. And strong. And I admire you. Thanks for being here, and for your encouragement!!
Molly, you spoke words that have been on my heart so much lately. Being a momma is so incredibly hard and some days the weight of the responsibility just feels like the whole world is bearing down on us. Yet because we are blessed by these not-always-well-behaved beauties God has given us and because we choose to stay home and love them endlessly it so often feels like we have no grounds to say we’ve had a really hard day. Thank you for being honest about the hard in the ordinary. I’ve had so many of those days lately and felt so incredibly lonely because I haven’t felt safe to talk about it. Keep falling to your knees dear lady and sharing your heart because you make life a little less lonely for us other ladies trying to fight guilt.
Kari, I am so grateful you’re here! I am recognizing more and more the importance of making peace with what is hard…even when it doesn’t sound as hard as what someone else is going through. I don’t ever want to trivialize someone’s bad day/week/month/year because I have something “even bigger” going on over here, and it’s taken me a long time to realize that I don’t need to shove down my own rough patches, either. Because we are where we are when we’re there, and there’s no saying that nights without sleep, or a kiddo who has been sick for a week, or a day that is just plain rotten isn’t terribly hard in the moment, right? I’m so thankful we can all feel a little less lonely when we share with each other. Love to you!