I’ve been a bit hung up for the past few weeks, and I need to call it what it is. Our baby has yet to find what I’d consider to be an ideal position for birth, and while doctors and nurses have all tried to be reassuring that there’s plenty of time for things to change, I’ve struggled to get my head out of a negative space about it for days.

My disposition isn’t helping, I know.

I have entrusted so many things to God over time…past pregnancies, our babies, our children as they grow, our marriage, big life decisions, terribly hard situations, and even getting pregnant with this baby at all. So then, why is it so hard for me to entrust something as simple as the bean finding the right way to hang out in my belly in time for the type of delivery I’m dreaming about?

I don’t know. Fear, probably. Frustration. Distractions in a thousand directions that pull me from spending time in focus on what this baby needs and what I’m hoping God will do.

I’ve tried to pray about it. I do pray about it, but in little spurts on the fly, mostly, which isn’t exactly the kind of prayer attention and energy I’d usually give something that matters so much to me. I’m just not sure what stops me up every time.

I ask the kids to pray about it and to talk to baby about it almost daily. There are several of us talking to baby these days, and we’re all saying the same thing: “You’ve got to put your head down, baby.” If he or she doesn’t want to flip (or more realistically, shouldn’t flip), I don’t want to push the issue. I know that I can’t see what’s going on inside my uterus, but God and baby can. I truly don’t know best on this one.

Trust isn’t typically an area I struggle in–certainly not with babies and my body and how they work together, and very, very rarely with God. It’s not my disposition or my character. This combo of doubt in two directions feels like mental/emotional/spiritual territory I’ve not yet explored, and I don’t like it.

You’ve read enough here about baby being breech, and I don’t want to be a broken record. I also don’t want to park on this issue, when there really is plenty of time and room for change, and when I need to be as positive as possible about the outcome of baby’s birth being exactly what I’ve hoped. Still, in the interest of being candid and forthright with this record of days before baby, and in a effort to be honest with myself about my struggles as I share this walk with you, I feel like this confession needed to be here tonight. The past two days have been particularly hard for me regarding this pregnancy and whatever’s happening with baby, and I’m hopeful that if I open up my hands in surrender and truth, something about our current status will change.

Either I’ll find total peace about baby being in whatever position it chooses, or he or she will find a way to flip upside down before the big day arrives (and hopefully, with a little room to spare for my heart’s sake).

I want to trust this process as I have in times before. I want to be encouraging and uplifting to baby, not thinking negative thoughts and putting us both in a tough spot in these weeks as they wind down.

I want to believe with this, too, that God is just as sovereign here as He has ever been.

Maybe it’s just me tonight, or maybe you’re also struggling with something that you want to let go of and you feel stuck, too. Maybe your struggle is ginormous compared to a head’s up baby, and this seems so trivial, but the thought of opening up your hands and trusting is something that meets you where you are. Or maybe your struggle is small potatoes to anyone you share it with, but it feels insurmountable to you in this moment, and now you know you’re in good company when you thought you were alone.

Whatever the case, I’m here, trying to offer up what small grasp I have on an issue I really can’t control, and I’m praying that we can all give up the things we want to cling so tightly to, in exchange for peace and room for God to move the way He knows best.

He does know best.

And nothing is too big or too small for us to bring to him.

Not even little babies tucked safely inside their mamas, and not the thing that weighs on you today that God is waiting to shoulder on your behalf.

I’m trying over here, and it’s awfully hard. I’m feeling painfully human. Thanks for the grace to know me and to come back to the table with me in my messes, big and small. Baby isn’t the only one turned around over here, but hopefully, we’ll get ourselves back on track before long.

on hands and knees with a bag of frozen peas (Hey, anything’s worth a shot;) ),

mm