We are too hard on ourselves as moms, you know that? Feeling somewhat inadequate in my ability to provide energetic or enthusiastic interaction for Henry and Eloise as of late, I do spend an inordinate amount of time warding off guilt–for this and for a whole host of other things I’m “not getting done” and/or “not doing well” at the moment.

I think I’m better than I used to be about chalking up my motherhood misgivings, but it’s still hard every day. When there are little people counting on you (and especially when they become old enough to vocalize their displeasure), it’s a real challenge to put down the thought that there’s so much more we could be or should be as mamas. And it’s not a monthly or annual challenge, it’s a daily thing (at least, for me).

Everyone on social media everywhere is serving up the latest seasonal vegetable extravaganza from the CSA, and you know what? That’s a beautiful thing. Healthy eating=healthy kiddos, and I’m all about that. It feels good to put a home cooked, protein and fiber-filled meal in front of my family, for sure. But when I just don’t have it in me (because it’s been a long day or a long week or a long everything), I have to work extra hard not to feel guilty about it. There’s something about feeding your family well that feels amazing.

You know what felt amazing tonight?

Feeding my kids sandwiches and fruit and pickles for dinner because it’s what I had it in me to do. Know what we had for lunch? A variation on the same thing. Guess what miraculous thing happened tonight? No one complained at the dinner table, everyone cleared their plates, bellies were full and I hadn’t spent an hour or more at the stove. Winning. Thirty eight weeks along and winning, that’s what.

Also, I carried no guilt away from the table. Why? Because there is grace in every crevice if you look to find it, and tonight, grace came in the form of ten minutes of dinner prep and happy kiddos at the end of the meal.

Why do we let ourselves carry guilt so heavily when there is so much grace?

I am admittedly nearing the end of my capacity to be above average in much else besides rocking an incredibly full belly and growing a human right now. My body is very definitely getting ready for the windup, and it’s both a joy and a challenge to keep my chin up about what I’m physically feeling every day.

The kids are completely over me toting this baby around inside, and I can’t blame them for a second. There’s all of this anticipation and then so much waiting (especially when you’re three and five years old). Eloise is most excited that in a few weeks I’ll be able to hold her in my lap and to bend over. Bless her. I’m super excited about those things, too. Henry is trying so hard to be brave and bold and the big brother. He is doing an amazing job, and I am not being as gracious toward him as I’d hope to be. We are weathering this together, but he is so tired of it, and that’s so fair.

I love all three of these babies with all of my heart and want to do best by all of them. Isn’t that the challenge of motherhood forever and ever? We always want to be our best selves for our families, not letting anyone down. I am so thankful for the way God built the family unit–that we might all lift each other up when we’re powering through, giving us grace to take turns in needing more sometimes and less in others.

Tonight I threw my “sandwiches for dinner” pass out on the table and there was grace abundant. Eloise used her “I’m too shy for ballet right now” play, and Henry employed his “I roar at my sister right now because I’m processing so much and that’s what I can manage sometimes” card. And our day was a perfectly imperfect attempt to love each other well and to make concessions, even through our own discomforts and worries and hard things.

This pregnancy continues to reiterate just how much we all need grace and how much there is for the taking. When we set eyes on this almost-here baby and know that we’re just that much more complete together, it will be grace again, in abundant measure, that moves us forward into the next wild chapter as a family. My heart is full of anticipation for it.

the sweetness will be so sweet,

mm