Of all the conversations we might be having as women and friends, the subject of miscarriage seems to tuck itself discreetly into the background in most circles—yet so many of us have experienced (or walk closely with someone who has experienced) this kind of loss. I began posting subtly on the subject on IG a few months ago, and I was impacted by the number of brave women who reached out to me privately to share their own stories. I felt their aches as I have felt my own, the tension of miscarriage both trying and lonely. The common message: “Me, too. And it mattered. These babies mattered. They still do.”

We have lost three babies to miscarriage: one in 2012 and two this year. They have all mattered greatly to us, and each loss has impacted us differently. It isn’t easy to walk around with an ailment that others cannot see, and at the same time, the losses feel so personal that it almost seems taboo to talk about them. I have danced this dance over the past number of months—wanting to share for the sake of being known and better understood, and also wanting to keep our experiences private and quiet where they might be “safe.”

I don’t yet have great knowledge and expertise to offer on how to cope well with this delicate experience, though I’m learning more as I move through it again myself. Instead, what I’m able to share in this season are some of the helpful ways close friends and family have come alongside us as we’ve navigated our losses this year.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and in honor of the precious baby we would have loved to welcome a few weeks from now, I pray this list is helpful to you (or to those caring for you) as you grieve or support someone grieving through miscarriage.

8 Ways to Support Someone Who Has Experienced Loss:

1. Provide a meal. This might seem contrary, as we’re so accustomed to bringing a meal to someone who is home caring for a new baby, but the gift of a healthy, prepared meal is one of the most tangible ways to love someone who is grieving (and also healing physically) from pregnancy loss. Not having to cook or to prepare a meal for family members is an incredible grace to a grieving mama.
2. Write a heartfelt note. When we lost our baby this spring, I took the greatest comfort from two sentences written thoughtfully by a caring friend. Those truthful, grace-filled words have stayed with me and provided peace when little else would do. Simple is best. It’s helpful to refrain from sharing thoughts along the lines of, “At least you know you can get pregnant,” or “At least you have children already.” “Maybe it was for the best,” “This, too, shall pass,” or “You’ll be OK,” (while meant to be encouraging) can be challenging to receive from a place of grief, even when delivered with the best of intentions.
3. Offer to provide care for other children/provide space for the parents to process, grieve or rest. One of hardest aspects of losing babies while caring for other children is not being able to take pause. It’s a burden lifted to know that your kiddos are in good hands while you take some time to process or rest. Not unlike a full-term pregnancy, miscarriage can leave a mom working through hormones and physical changes that require plenty of extra sleep and emotional space for some time after.
4. Be present. Sometimes all a mama wants after a loss is to be alone, but miscarriage creates lonely feelings that can linger. Checking in to see if you can swing by with coffee or to chat might be a welcome distraction. If you get a “no” the first time around, make a note to touch base again before too long.
5. Bring/send an item as a meaningful reminder of the baby’s life. Acknowledging that a loved one’s baby existed and mattered is such a significant way of extending care after loss. A baby blanket, baby ring, or other small token that belongs only to that baby can be kept as a memory when little else feels tangible to parents and siblings.
6. Create a special item/artwork that will prompt a sweet memory. After one of our losses, an artist friend gifted a simple silhouette of a baby being held, and it was a personal and beautiful image to remind me that I did carry our sweet baby for a time, even if it wasn’t as I’d hoped.
7. Check in. Help your friend or loved one to know that you haven’t forgotten their loss or their baby, and that they are not isolated in remembering. A simple note or text from time to time…a few weeks later, a few months later, on their due date and/or on the anniversary of their loss, will mean they are not carrying the memory of their sweet baby alone.
8. Remember that empathy is the real deal. Feeling known and understood is so healing after miscarriage and loss, and to hold space for someone else through your presence or prayer or remembrance is huge. Offering a listening ear and a safe place to share without judgement for the good/bad/ugly is one of the best ways to love someone well in the trenches.

If you are struggling after the loss of a baby, you are not alone. And if you need a safe place to share your story or your thoughts, my inbox is always open. For an excellent resource on grief and hope after miscarriage and loss, I highly recommend Grace Like Scarlett, which you can find at your favorite major book retailer or on amazon.com.

“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Mt. 5.4

grace and peace to you, dear ones.

mm