Hope. 32 weeks feels like a breath of fresh air, a sense of encouragement and a gift of renewed strength for this journey towards baby. There might be eight weeks to go on the calendar, but my heart and instinct tell me that our little one will be here sooner than eight weeks from now. The mere possibility of that is hope overflowing today.

I had my 32 week appointment today and an ultrasound afterwards to check on one concern, which has resolved. I wasn’t actually worried about this particular detail, as it’s something I’ve experienced and seen resolved with our previous babies as well. Still, it was a huge benefit to my heart today to see baby again, moving and full of life and actually even looking content on the monitor. I might not have noticed that so readily, but J and the ultrasound tech both noticed it, too. This little one has grown so much since our last scan twelve weeks ago. I know that’s an obvious statement, but to see how much they’ve changed is just wildly fascinating and amazing to me.

We still don’t know baby’s gender, thanks to the steadfast encouragement from J and our tech to stick to my convictions about waiting. Goodness, I’ve never been more curious than I am this time around, and I couldn’t even tell you why. I think I’ve just had a stronger sense earlier on with the others, and this little one has remained more of a mystery to me. Today though, seeing their eyes open and blink, watching them wiggle and move every which way, noticing even more of the details of their hands and feet and face…it was more than manna for this mama’s soul.

The day settled itself out today with low key plans and commitments. The chance to connect with another friend this afternoon was an extra blessing, and being home on a rainy Friday afternoon and evening filled something I’m craving right now. J and I had the chance to grab a quick brunch after my ultrasound this morning, and spending time talking over possible boy and girl names and who this baby might be was right where I needed to land after seeing more of our honeybee at our scan. I think I’ve fought back the belief for so long that these days might never come, and the relief and joy in getting to each milestone is big.

Every time I set down another weighty lie in this process, I balance the feelings of release and shame at the same time. How grateful I am to set another weight down, and how badly I feel that I’ve not trusted and believed even more. This is such a real human struggle, I think. And yet I know that God doesn’t look down on me for my unbelief–instead I’m humbled by the awareness that He celebrates my release. That, and He offers more of it and wants more of it for me all of the time.

Today, I’m experiencing freedom. Freedom from some worries sure, but mostly, freedom to be joyful in all God has done in this story up to now. This wee person in my belly is a marvelous, miraculous soul who also happens to have limbs and features and squish in all the right places. I could pinch myself. I can’t comprehend all of this process, even when we’ve been through it before. I’m just so, so grateful and wildly humbled to get to do this again. My heart is so filled with love for this little one, and I can’t wait (but I can wait) to put that love into practice out here in the world.

And counting…

MM