You could call my thought process these days something like, “stream of consciousness,” or maybe, “random all day long,” or even, “firehose,” perhaps. I guess it might depend on the hour, but all of these are probably accurate. I don’t remember my brain being quite this way with other pregnancies, but it’s really where I’m at, and it’s kind of an all or nothing situation daily. I’ve either got 1,000 thoughts vying for attention, or I’m blankly putting off all thinking for moments at a time, just trying to take a mental breath. When I’m firing on all cylinders, I could use a journalist or the like to record everything for me–there’s valuable information in there, and it’s all attempting to come out at once…reminders of to-dos (so many), things I want to do with the kids, items to tackle around the house, tasks I’d benefit from completing soon, how I hope to prepare for labor and delivery this time around. One, five minute lap around my mind could produce at least ten good lists, and I’d use them. So do I write everything down?

No. No I do not. And I could go either way on this one. I can either play into my perfectionistic personality and have a dozen lists wandering around with me everywhere, or I could try to be a little more laid back about it all and see where that takes me. So far, the second option is winning, but not necessarily with winning results–it’s just the avenue I’m taking because it’s probably what I have energy for right now. Even as I type, I’m thinking to myself, “Find the energy to make the lists. Figure it out.” Some nights this gig is for the sake of the baby, and some nights, I think this time of processing is for the sake of the baby in that it benefits my maternal health to process my thoughts by writing them down. So here we are with the same conclusion on all sides: Write it down, Molly. Write it all down.

If I were to make a list of lists (going for it), it would include: nursery to-dos, family logistics, paperwork, homeschool plans, July/August calendar details, things to procure for camp, freezer meals to make, work projects (and completion target dates), house projects that don’t involve the nursery, baby names, things to buy before baby arrives, things to unpack before baby arrives, items to sell on Marketplace, correspondence to take care of this week, errands, chores/allowance for each of the kids, a midway through summer/before baby gets here bucket list, birthday plans and prep for E, party plans for H’s belated celebration and something that covers all of of the details for the care of our kiddos when it’s baby time. Whew. Got it out there. I’m not even sure that’s all, but it’s the majority. So now that I have my list of lists, I’ll just need to add to each one until my brain feels sufficiently dumped out onto paper. That should be easy, right?

I know that the reason my thoughts are exhausting right now is because they all string together. In the same way that we’re playing a game of house Tetris to make a space for the baby in the right place here at home, all things connect in some way and lead from one into another. It’s hard to have an isolated thought about anything at all. So I jump from one thing to the next in my mind and later have a hard time sorting it all out. Surely this is just the stage of life I’m in, where young kiddos send trains of thought down whole new tracks about every two minutes, and I’m just trying to keep up with one idea while the next five are ready to leave the station (and all at once). This mushy brain thing is great practice for when sleep might be fleeting and there’s a new person in the house to love and care for around the clock. Oooooh, I can’t wait, truly! But I’m probably just saying right now that a lot of logistical things will have to be in order soon so that I don’t let the ball drop anywhere that’s really important. It’s good to be prepared and to have a sense of what’s next.

Today it was much more fun to meet up with friends and let the kids play together than to address to dos. I do so love a good summer day with the kids. Making memories right now feels just as important as making lists, though I have to strike a balance of both. There has to be a good way to make that happen, and maybe tomorrow I’ll go looking for it. Tonight, I’m going to try to shut off the flow of ideas that hasn’t turned off since early this morning. It’s time to call it a day and to lean into the possibility of sleep and the hopefulness of having energy to tackle new things again in the daylight.

Always moving forward, even if just a little bit at a time. (Also a bowl of cereal is calling, and I must go. 😉 )

MM