Today I came across my post from when I was 39 days before my due date with E, almost exactly eight years ago. The words from then are so spot on to what I’m feeling right now, so I’m going to borrow them back from myself here, with an addendum.

July 16, 2013: “There is a lot of time between the moment you find out you’re pregnant and the day you head to the hospital to deliver a baby. A lot of time. Or at least it feels that way, until you’re suddenly just five or so weeks from your due date and baby’s arrival is somehow coming up fast. You start to think of all the things you want to be sure to have done before the little one is born…of all the things you feel like you should do: nursery prep, home organization, deep cleaning, LOTS of baby laundry, more organizing, mentally preparing your other child(ren), catching up on play dates and correspondence, fitting in dates with your spouse, getting some sleep, etc. And above and beyond all that, of course, readying yourself emotionally and mentally for the big day and major life change that’s around the corner.

Is it possible that we can distract ourselves so much with the details of how everything looks and feels aesthetically, that we can miss the opportunity to really prepare our heads and hearts for one of the biggest and greatest days of our whole life?

I’m so thankful that God is slowing my pace down enough to find moments to remind me…Molly, let’s focus on your head and heart. The rest can wait if necessary, but get that part settled first…”

July 13, 2021: Yes. This is exactly right, and so true to things I’ve wrestled in these past weeks. The difference now is that I’m eight years down the line and I think I’ve learned a thing or two about where my focus needs to be. I’m still preoccupied with the other details, and I’m still nesting a great deal (which doesn’t feel like it’s to be avoided), but eight years is a long time to have spent working on my head and heart, and I can certainly mark some progress. I’m more at home in my own skin, more ready and able to advocate for myself, more comfortable being honest about what I want and need, more practical about what’s achievable and what I need to put down. I’m not sure if the people around me always feel like I’m setting more down, but my once non-negotiables have changed. I’m taking things off of my to do/wish list regularly and working on being ok with what I can’t accomplish.

Two more children down the line, life is very different. Expecting this fourth baby, there’s obviously a different dynamic surrounding me than there was with one toddler in tow. Our family has changed a lot, we’ve been through a lot, the world is a different place in ways. It’s just not all the same equation that it was before. Given this, there’s arguably still a learning curve, but it’s a learning curve with eight years more experience behind it, and that’s something.

Eight years ago, I wrote about how I was going to potentially switch doctors after some challenging developments with my original practitioner. I didn’t know then that I’d have a new doctor only two days later–one who has since delivered two of our babies and who is seeing me through this pregnancy, too. His presence and perspective have been a gift all these years, and I’m still grateful to this day for that season back then, when my heart said I needed to consider a change. I trust my mama instinct now more than ever, and even as I was learning where to find it, it was serving me well. I can look back and be confident that just as God was leading in those days, He is leading me still.

I can’t end this post better than I did in 2013, so I’m going to quote the last bit of that reflection to end today’s. It’s exactly how I feel again as I marvel at all that is in front of me. What kindness and goodness flows!

July 16, 2013: “I love these moments at the end of the day, when it’s often just me and baby here on the couch. I watch him or her move without reservation in my belly, and I am reminded of the miracle of all of this…the incredible answer to many prayers that this baby has been all along, and the amazing process that God has designed for us as human beings. How did something so very small and microscopic already grow to have such a prominent place in my belly? In our lives?

Nine months, give or take a bit. All the time in the world and yet, not quite enough to prepare ourselves for the inevitable surprises and delights of childbirth and bringing a whole new person home to love and care for from here on out. I’m working on getting there, with some handful of weeks to go. And when the day arrives, I’ll be praying like crazy for God to bridge any gaps left over–that I would embrace the day with zero reservation and approach this new experience with complete joy in every bit of the process.”

Embracing the patterns and rhythms I’m offered and hopeful to keep growing through the opportunity to revisit them again,

MM