All this time, I’ve been in what feels like the middle of a story. Living in the midst of my thought life, my spiritual life and my real, everyday life through these months of my seventh pregnancy, I have tried to look towards the future and can only see tiny snippets of what is to come. It’s been hard to let my heart go to the most hopeful place every time, though I’ve worked to lean into that as much as I can. It’s something, to be hopeful in a way that pushes down fear and presses out doubt. And I’ve tasted it, but not always, and not every day. Some are hard fought, while others come with a peace that only God can offer me.

As the days count down to August and baby, I am coming more and more to terms with this reality being what’s actually true. I didn’t think about the details of the day getting closer because I couldn’t. I could trust God past what I could see, and He’s done that work in me, but I couldn’t get all the way to August 20th or anything that comes after, not really. I’m starting to, and still it’s not without reservation. I’ve had all the conversations with myself time and time again–reminded myself of what I’ve heard God say, replayed what I know about who He is, come across scripture on the exact right days, always being nudged that what His Word says is true. I believe it. And the human part of me has still had to stretch to trust and believe that a gift this good could come our way and actually arrive. God gives good gifts, and I know this deeply. So what is changing in me?

Today, as I was driving, I realized that my letting go of so many of the details might not be my inability to trust in them or believe them. It’s that I actually do believe that God is who He says He is and that He’ll do what He says He will do. Does it feel vulnerable to believe this sometimes? 100% yes. And is it still worth it? More than I’ll probably ever understand. It feels risky to take God at his word, which almost feels foolish to even say. But if I walk into August believing and trusting what I’ve heard from God, then I’m also open to disappointment, or maybe even heartache, right? And He’s still sovereign in every detail.

A little whisper crossed my path today and planted the thought that I’m not actually walking in the middle of this story. I’m at the very beginning. We are about to meet this person who has grown inside of me since November. We’re about to break through the narrow space between womb and world, and to know–to actually know–this person who God created to be here for such a time as this. Beyond that, I’m about to get to mother this tiny human who matters even more to God than they do to me. That feels unfathomable, after all of these weeks and months praying and hoping and holding my breath sometimes, but it’s true. I’m at the beginning of this story. We’re just getting started on a journey God planned for us long ago. How could I not be amazed by this reality?

To trust that the day will come is a bigger step for me, even still, than I ever wanted it to be. There have been many days where I’ve just had to relinquish all of the details to God and set them down entirely, because I can’t go there, and if I do, it just feels messy and hard. But that’s the beauty in this. Things will keep going along as God intends whether I’ve overthought every facet of this life change or not. To not be in any kind of control is actually so freeing I can hardly grasp it. I don’t control this, and I never did. Doesn’t that make the story so much better? I get to be in it and to watch it unfold, but it’s out of my hands on so many levels. The details of that day to come are known to God, and nothing will surprise Him.

People ask me often now how much longer until baby, and I always give a ballpark answer, because I know the date on the calendar is just a date. But it’s also because I’m trusting my intuition that I have a sense about this baby and their arrival. I know what I’d like the answer to be, and I know that it’s not my decision to make. God knows this baby’s birthday. He knows the time of day that my labor begins. He knows who is there and who delivers this life and whether or not we welcome a boy or a girl. He knows how long it all takes, how I heal, what the moment looks like when we bring baby home from the hospital to meet siblings. He is the author of this story, and while He’s been writing my life for a long time now, this is a new volume He’s kept waiting for the exact right moment. It’s like waiting until Christmas morning, only better, because His gifts are the purest kind.

I’m so humbled to have a part in this story at all. I don’t think I know how to feel about that right now besides fortunate, and that’s a healthy place to rest. There are many details stirring in my mind, and while it’s ok to think about them, I can also let them go. He has this. He has me. And He has this tiny baby right close…closer than my belly, closer than a due date, closer than I’ll ever actually know.

Peace and rest for all hearts tonight, dear friends. He’s writing your story, too.

MM