Before today began, I was carrying some anxious thoughts about things that had transpired over the past week…at my most recent baby appointment, in conversations about how hospitals are functioning right now…just stumbling blocks tripping me up on my way towards peace surrounding these last weeks of pregnancy and our experience when baby is born. I reached out to several friends and family asking for prayer about the specifics of today, with two follow up appointments that would directly address my concerns. I was able to walk confidently into this morning because I knew that people were praying, and that made all the difference in the world.

I’ve learned in this pregnancy that peace is not something I can take for granted, even though I know it’s offered to me generously. There are certain things that are not absolute, and just assuming peace is one of those. I think in some Christian circles, a Christ-follower not having peace can be confused with them not having faith or being faithful enough, not trusting that God can cover something fully, or not striving enough to seek and reach peace through any number of channels. While I know that peace can be achieved in any situation because of who God is and how He works, a guarantee of peace is not everyone’s journey from the start. When someone has been through trauma, they carry it with them as a piece of who they are and a part of their story. God can certainly heal that trauma and I know He does, but I think that healing process is partly that progression towards peace. It’s not necessarily instant, and it’s not a fault of someone’s not to be able to just grasp peace from the get go. God works in His timing; to second guess that for someone else just isn’t my/our place.

I say all of this, because sometimes I’ve felt like others assume I should just be able to be peaceful about something when it’s not that simple, and I think we can make this mistake with others when we’re not mindful. I don’t lack faith in God enough not to trust Him–I trust Him completely. And trusting Him completely sometimes means trusting that His peace will come, even if I don’t experience it instantly. It’s asking for prayer from others, it’s spending time in worship over and over when other efforts don’t get me there. It’s being patient and letting the growth happen that God needs to do in my heart and spirit before I can fully realize the peace He’s offering over a situation. It’s going back to Him in petition again and again.

This pregnancy has been nine months of a journey so far that has led me to my knees with God over and over again. I feel peace, and then it pulls away like the tide on the shore. It ebbs and flows with seasons and circumstances, and all for good reason in my human nature and daily life. Deep down do I have peace that God has this baby and all of the surrounding details close to His own heart? Yes, for sure. But do I have to work at maintaining that peace in moments, or when new alarms go off or questions are raised that I didn’t see coming–also yes.

Tonight, after two helpful appointments today and some clarifications about details that grew to be relative bullies in my head, I am sitting here feeling so much hope and positive anticipation for what is ahead. I know that might still come and go in these last days and weeks, but for today, I want to remember what this feels like and to put a stake in the ground where the Spirit showed up and God offered great measures of peace to my heart. There are miles to go, but everything feels closer and more real as I settle in tonight. The fact that this baby is coming is more tangible by the day, which might seem obvious to some but has really been a process for me.

I’m going to keep praying over all of the details, and yet, I’m choosing to let go of anything I’m able to surrender–to the safest place I know of for the things of this world to settle. For today, peace feels like it is flowing over my heart and mind and body like a river, and it is well with my soul. When harder times come, it is still well because of Jesus, but the sweetness of the river of peace is a gift I will not take for granted, nor hope to forget any time soon.

MM