MollyMadonna.com

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Tired Mama, Quiet House. (21)

Oh, Baby. Where do these days go? The wait to get to you feels like it’s been so long, but then each 24 hours flies by somehow and I’m back here, sitting on the couch, wondering what to say to you next. Today was a full day, beginning with appointments for you (us) at 8:30a. I’ll never tire of hearing your heartbeat, little one, which is great because today my non-stress test took twice as long as last week’s. You were just cozy in there and not giving them the kicks they wanted to see. I assured them you were mobile, but they need visible proof, so we hung out for a while and listened to the sweet rhythm of your heart, beating steadily next to me and tucked inside at the same time.

From there (and after second breakfast), we scooped up your siblings and headed out to go blueberry picking, to attend the last swim lessons of the summer, and to shop for school supplies. It was a little bit of a marathon, but we did it, and the fact that it was in the mid-70ºs and not hotter was a boon to our efforts. Even so, by the time we were done with all of the errands, everyone was spent. It felt like there was one good option as a way to wind down the evening–pizza at the beach.

We haven’t been out to the beach near as much as I’d like this summer, especially when it’s such a grounding place for everyone. We hadn’t ordered pizza in ages, either, so it seemed like a winning idea all around. Sadly, our pizza took two hours to be ready downtown, and we got to the beach for “dinner” at 8:00p. What we lacked in playtime in the sand we at least made up for in getting to watch the sun emerge from a hazy sky and sink down below the water’s edge. There’s never a sunset that can’t put a cap on a day in just the right way. Whenever you need things set right in your world, little one, I’ll take you to the beach so we can work the wrinkles out. There were some sad hearts tonight about not being able to fill up buckets of water and build a sandcastle of dreams, but I didn’t really think late pizza and a rainbow sunset were a bad way to wind down the day. All in all, we made it through a full Friday with spirits generally intact, and we also made it to 37 weeks. Great job, little one!

Tonight I’m feeling pretty worn out, and it’s late, so that makes sense. Everyone else has long gone to bed, but as usual, I’m up thinking through things I still need to do or procure or make a priority for the weekend. I’m so glad we’re headed into another few weekend days, which are all bonus days to me right now. It’s not that I expected you to come super early, but I’m just grateful for the time we do have to keep plugging away. Things are about to change in a big way and everyone feels it and knows it.

Tomorrow your big sister and I are off to some girly errands in the morning. After that, who knows what the day holds exactly? Probably just the guarantee that there will be some kind of pounding new nails into walls for hanging pictures, undoubtedly laundry, and likely some time out in the glorious weather, maybe sitting, maybe weeding and the like. No matter. It will get here when it gets here and we’ll hope to be ready for it. One day further into the calendar and one day closer to you.

Love you so, little honeybee. You are as sweet as can be in my belly and we’re all eager to know you out here, too.

Mama

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Little Moments. (31)

I’ll start right out the gate and say that I’m not feeling like I have a ton to share tonight. Some days are just better for my mind frame than others, and as the day has gone on, I’m feeling more uncomfortable and less inspired. At least that’s an honest and accurate representation of where we are coming up on 36 weeks along.

Today had some beautiful moments in it for sure, and I don’t want them to get lost in the discomfort. E had a great day at camp and can’t wait to go back. C and I had the chance to head to the beach this morning with friends and it was so life-giving to see the kids running, laughing, playing and sliding down the dune together. A monarch floated around us and returned a handful of times as we all visited in the sand. The sun was shining, the temperature by the water was perfect, and the sky was 100% blue. C dragged a washed up buoy all the way home as a treasure, which was endearing to say the least. These sweetnesses are extra sweet with the opportunity to slow down, recognize and soak them in. I think it’s possible that we’ll never take visits with our friends for granted again–not after this past year–and that’s a gift in and of itself. Each time we take a picture of the kids together, we marvel at our very steadfast dreams materializing before our eyes. It’s the sacred in and amongst the ordinary, and the space feels thin between.

This afternoon, I was working in the baby’s room and C was reading from the stack of board books waiting to be stored in the closet for future reading sessions. He was talking about how much he liked Goodnight Moon and I asked him if he would help me to read stories to the baby sometime. His reply was so honest and I love him for it: “I know big brothers are supposed to help, but I don’t really want to do that.” I am loving my conversations with him these days. He has so much to say when it’s just the two of us, and he regularly uses words like “similar” and “injury” and vocabulary that still sometimes surprises me coming from his four year old self. I don’t think it’s just the baby coming that has this effect, but the timing feels ironic–C is growing up in a way that I can tangibly see right now, and it’s strange to have it be so palpable and permanent. He’s been my little buddy for so long…I’m certainly not ready to let go of that part of who we are together anytime soon.

We made tuna melts for dinner tonight and introduced the kids to Full House (the original). I don’t think I ever realized growing up just how quirky the whole show really was, but our littles seemed to enjoy it. A throwback to the 1980s and tuna melts and watermelon for dinner–that’s life in our house right now. H is away at camp all week and things don’t feel the same without him, but I’m grateful that he can be in his own element in this timing. I hope it’s functioning as a respite and refreshment for him. He’s craving friend time and I have no doubt that the changes around here pile up for a ten year old learning to stretch his wings. We are missing him while he’s gone and will be thrilled to see him and welcome him back in a few days. Meanwhile, we’re plugging along and doing life with our younger two here in the middle of summer.

I am eager to get some sleep tonight and also eager to put the final coat of paint on the dresser upstairs. We’re getting there, even with all of the middle parts that sometimes feel like trudging or crawling along. Maybe this is being still, in a way. If it is, I’m needing the practice and very glad for the moments when I can lean into it instead of resisting what’s best for me.

Tomorrow is another new day, probably ready with a handful of simple delights if I’m looking for them. I plan to be looking for them.

MM

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Hello, Summer. (33)

If you live in the midwest, I’m sure you’ll agree that the weather for June and July has been rather temperate and a bit gloomier than our usual summer fare up until now. Truthfully, I haven’t minded the moderate temps, and the rainier days have provided much needed moisture for the yard and garden while also alleviating some of the pressure to soak in every outdoor moment possible. I love being outside, but I don’t love the feeling of obligation when it comes to outdoor experiences. I feel that living here makes us all carry a deeper sense of, “It’s summer! We have to soak it up for all it’s worth!” than we might feel in a climate that offers more sunshine and warm days year round. So for me anyway, the rainy days feel like an invitation to slow down, to let the kids stay in pjs longer, to offer popcorn and a movie some afternoons instead of the usual limitations on screen time. I know my kiddos don’t mind it when the day calls for stacks of books and no one laying out a schedule, and we have wet weather to thank for a little bit extra of that this summer.

This weekend it’s evident that July has decided to turn up, and it’s beautiful. It’s also hot. I love summer weather. Most of the time, give me all of the hot summer days we can afford. Even now, please bring on the sunshine. Just know that I’ll be off to find a bench in the shade at some stage. It’s funny–I’ve left the house both yesterday and today feeling such ambition to conquer tasks and experiences, and yet, my body says something else a few hours in. Mind and body are one, but also independent of each other, it seems. It’s really in the sweetness of pregnancy that I share that; I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I just have to laugh a little once I’m over my initial frustration with limitations. Once again, God says, “Be still,” and I somehow keep asking, “Can’t I go just a little bit more?”

In a sense, summer is humbling me right along with motherhood. I am so thankful to have three kiddos who have genuinely been utterly gracious with their mama all these months, and especially now. Today we were a few towns over for lunch and wandering, and when I sat down on a bench and needed to stay there for awhile, everyone got out their new books to read and waited with me. I know they’ll all be so happy to have me return to a more active version of myself, but their patience is much appreciated right now and I truly need it. It makes me hopeful that transitions with the baby can be grace-filled, too, even if they’re sometimes hard.

C is showing his feelings about so much change in new ways, and they’re mostly just really endearing. He is so careful to tell me sweet things every day, to hug the baby and say good morning and goodnight, to remind me that we call this little one, “Honeybee,” and to sit in the closest spot possible to me as often as he can. I overheard him telling someone upstairs the other day that he could be brave because now he was going to be a big brother. Sweet boy! I just love him so, and I feel for him as he sorts out his emotions without even realizing all that’s happening inside his heart and mind. He and I are going to have some extra time to spend together this week, and I’m planning to soak it up for all it’s worth. This will be a treasured handful of days for us together–another fleeting season that’s worth savoring in every possible way.

It finally feels like summer and that’s such a good thing, because it’s also a marker of time right where we are and the days we’re headed into, too. August can’t come without summer arriving, so it’s another box checked on the way to baby. Whether or not the summer of 2021 will be marked with all kinds of red letter days for our crew, we’re certainly all looking forward to a few in particular, and baby’s arrival is at the peak of that anticipation. I’m thankful for the experiences this “break” season has afforded our family; there’s a lot of transition that could be much harder with calendars piled to the brim and expectations in full measure. Instead, we’re really taking so much one day or week at a time, which feels like exactly what we all need and as much as we can all handle. Again there’s heaps of grace in that reality, even when we don’t always see it. When we look back, I hope we can say that the summer our honeybee was born was marked by slowing down, making peace with stillness and soaking up all of the natural good that God set right in front of us, no matter the weather.

MM

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Connecting the Dots. (45)

You could call my thought process these days something like, “stream of consciousness,” or maybe, “random all day long,” or even, “firehose,” perhaps. I guess it might depend on the hour, but all of these are probably accurate. I don’t remember my brain being quite this way with other pregnancies, but it’s really where I’m at, and it’s kind of an all or nothing situation daily. I’ve either got 1,000 thoughts vying for attention, or I’m blankly putting off all thinking for moments at a time, just trying to take a mental breath. When I’m firing on all cylinders, I could use a journalist or the like to record everything for me–there’s valuable information in there, and it’s all attempting to come out at once…reminders of to-dos (so many), things I want to do with the kids, items to tackle around the house, tasks I’d benefit from completing soon, how I hope to prepare for labor and delivery this time around. One, five minute lap around my mind could produce at least ten good lists, and I’d use them. So do I write everything down?

No. No I do not. And I could go either way on this one. I can either play into my perfectionistic personality and have a dozen lists wandering around with me everywhere, or I could try to be a little more laid back about it all and see where that takes me. So far, the second option is winning, but not necessarily with winning results–it’s just the avenue I’m taking because it’s probably what I have energy for right now. Even as I type, I’m thinking to myself, “Find the energy to make the lists. Figure it out.” Some nights this gig is for the sake of the baby, and some nights, I think this time of processing is for the sake of the baby in that it benefits my maternal health to process my thoughts by writing them down. So here we are with the same conclusion on all sides: Write it down, Molly. Write it all down.

If I were to make a list of lists (going for it), it would include: nursery to-dos, family logistics, paperwork, homeschool plans, July/August calendar details, things to procure for camp, freezer meals to make, work projects (and completion target dates), house projects that don’t involve the nursery, baby names, things to buy before baby arrives, things to unpack before baby arrives, items to sell on Marketplace, correspondence to take care of this week, errands, chores/allowance for each of the kids, a midway through summer/before baby gets here bucket list, birthday plans and prep for E, party plans for H’s belated celebration and something that covers all of of the details for the care of our kiddos when it’s baby time. Whew. Got it out there. I’m not even sure that’s all, but it’s the majority. So now that I have my list of lists, I’ll just need to add to each one until my brain feels sufficiently dumped out onto paper. That should be easy, right?

I know that the reason my thoughts are exhausting right now is because they all string together. In the same way that we’re playing a game of house Tetris to make a space for the baby in the right place here at home, all things connect in some way and lead from one into another. It’s hard to have an isolated thought about anything at all. So I jump from one thing to the next in my mind and later have a hard time sorting it all out. Surely this is just the stage of life I’m in, where young kiddos send trains of thought down whole new tracks about every two minutes, and I’m just trying to keep up with one idea while the next five are ready to leave the station (and all at once). This mushy brain thing is great practice for when sleep might be fleeting and there’s a new person in the house to love and care for around the clock. Oooooh, I can’t wait, truly! But I’m probably just saying right now that a lot of logistical things will have to be in order soon so that I don’t let the ball drop anywhere that’s really important. It’s good to be prepared and to have a sense of what’s next.

Today it was much more fun to meet up with friends and let the kids play together than to address to dos. I do so love a good summer day with the kids. Making memories right now feels just as important as making lists, though I have to strike a balance of both. There has to be a good way to make that happen, and maybe tomorrow I’ll go looking for it. Tonight, I’m going to try to shut off the flow of ideas that hasn’t turned off since early this morning. It’s time to call it a day and to lean into the possibility of sleep and the hopefulness of having energy to tackle new things again in the daylight.

Always moving forward, even if just a little bit at a time. (Also a bowl of cereal is calling, and I must go. 😉 )

MM

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This Day in Ten(ish) Sentences. (48)

  1. The boys get to sleep in their new room for the first time tonight–exciting for all!
  2. Our household has more books that we know what to do with, which is a great gift and also a little bit of a conundrum. Between us we have so many mixed interests and age groups and favorites.
  3. Weekly trips to drop off book and toy donations are a staple these days.
  4. The kids make excellent helpers and runners when they’re motivated by their own progress–beautiful!
  5. This week the plants outside need soooo much water.
  6. We all went out for Mexican food tonight for dinner and the baby has a lot to say about it.
  7. Divide and conquer trips to Meijer and Menards make for interesting after-dinner events.
  8. Thirty three weeks along, contractions spice up moments throughout the day, every day.
  9. Today would have been Gramma’s 91st birthday and I never stop thinking about her. I miss her always, but especially on days like today.
  10. Fireworks are getting set up around the lake…Happy (almost) 4th, everyone!