MollyMadonna.com

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Condensed Nesting. (49)

A few weeks ago, someone asked me if we were going to have a doula for this upcoming birth. As a doula myself, that surely seems like a natural conclusion to draw. We’ve had a doula twice, and the third time were planning to have a doula until circumstances shifted six weeks or so before baby was due. At that time, we were most comfortable with our doula from our previous births, and since it was relatively close to my due date, we opted not to try to replace her with someone less familiar. We certainly missed having her, but as it was our third labor and delivery, we didn’t feel the need to rush into something different. This time though, I’ve had plenty of opportunity to consider and interview other possible doulas but it never really crossed my mind. I’m sure there are a few factors playing into this, not the least of which are the hospital restrictions that have been in place over the past year plus, and my being unsure whether an extra support person would be allowed in the room. That said, I think the real reason I didn’t consider a doula all this time is because I hadn’t let my heart go that far down the road. I wanted to, sure, but everything felt so tenuous for so long…it must have been subconscious self preservation not to let my mind commit to the day we’ll welcome this baby here.

Now we’re seven weeks away from my due date, and while I still have to talk myself away from challenging thoughts and hanging my hat on, “Nothing is guaranteed,” I also recognize that it’s important to prepare for this little one to arrive. It’s even more important that I lean into that truth–this little baby is going to arrive. With that in mind, I’m suddenly in go mode even more than I’ve felt before. I want things in their place now…not later. I want to know that there’s a cozy spot for the baby to sleep, clean baby clothes in drawers, maybe some sweet and intentional art hanging on the nursery walls. We had the “nursery” painted months ago, but our boys are still sharing that same room at the moment. It’s a small detail, but it might be easier to set up a crib in there if they were in their new room instead.

I’m trying to stay lighthearted about all of this, but there’s so much to it and I know I’m also processing a lot. I have a vision for the baby’s room, but not all of the elements to make that vision a reality just yet. I feel like I’m suddenly rushing around for things I probably could have sorted out sooner had I not been quite as stifled in my belief that this was all really happening. God has had my heart, mind, body and spirit on a journey of learning to trust and surrender over and over. I’m so grateful, and I’m also still growing.

In a way, this process and the timing of it is pretty wonderful. Getting things ready for baby to arrive is a helpful and soothing way for me to prepare and tangibly feel the excitement of it all. Creating a space that will be intentional and calm and lovely, well…that’s my ambition, and hopefully, what we end up with when all is said and done, too.

I know that we could welcome baby tomorrow, and that he or she would be just fine without the crib up or a designated room to call their own. But creating the baby’s space has historically been a healthy, creative, intentional process for me, and this time it feels no different. Time will tell if I can have certain “staple” items checked off of the list in the weeks we have left, but I’m certainly going to try. Creating a place for our honeybee is an honor, and it will be far more so when we can use the space for its purposes and discover more of who this little one is going to be.

I can’t wait, but I can. It’s a good feeling, to be right here in the midst of both being true.

MM

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Wind, Rain and Heart Monitors. (60)

Today is starting out on a strange foot for the middle-end of June and the first day of summer…the weather shifted last night from warm and humid to gusty and rainy with a hint of chill on the air. Falling asleep to rain and thunder was lovely last night, and this morning, it feels more like early autumn than summertime. I love a good reason to open up the whole house and can’t get enough of the breeze coming through the windows.

Last night’s rest was intermittent at best, as more and more nights have become lately. I lay in bed longer in hopes of more sleep, but it’s mostly a shifting/rearranging/move the pillows around again sort of dynamic that’s not entirely my favorite. I love the reason for it, but then I wish I could sneak in a nap all the next day long. On a sleepy-ish Monday when the sky is cloudy and there are still signs of last night’s rain everywhere, this feels especially compelling, but not today.

This morning I headed to the hospital to have a heart monitor put on for the next 24 hours…one could argue a casualty of my “advanced maternal age,” etc. My heart has flip-flopped all over the place for the last weeks and months–not constantly, but enough times per day to be concerning, so the monitor and I will be friends as best as possible until tomorrow. This is not a big deal really, and I’m glad to have things checked out I guess, but for some reason all of the cords and stickers are discouraging; I’ll be happy to remove and return the device when it’s time.

These days are a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts that I’m trying to ride with grace and take in stride. I can go to bed in one space and wake up feeling completely different. While I’m aiming to be glass-half-full about so much, a rough night’s sleep or the tumultuous nature of moods around here can really challenge efforts to be cheerful and positive. Added things, like illness or scratchy heart monitor nodes, just kind of get under the surface enough to be nagging, and then I’m working hard to battle discouragement and choose joy.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Even while my circumstances are in so many ways beautiful, I’m still human. And still growing a human in this ever-stretching belly that for some reason, the world feels at liberty to talk about and analyze. Props to those who are only encouraging and lovely about it. I’d like to teach a class on propriety to the rest, because yes, I’m sure it’s not twins, and no, I’m not unsure about my due date, which is still weeks away. Sometimes I’m just really surprised at the lack of filters in the land, you know?

So there we have it. Another Monday in the books and this odd summer shaping up and continuing to be, well, odd. Our older two have science camp this week and I’m grateful that they’ll have all kinds of stimulation and fun with energetic college students who are not 31.5 weeks pregnant. Ha. And C and I will have some time just the two of us, which is always good for both of our hearts. That’s a wonderful bonus this week, for sure. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying having extra hours in each day as we take a break from homeschooling for E and daily school runs for the boys. It’s amazing what eliminating daily driving will do for a schedule!

Wrestling the good and the hard today, as I’m sure is evident. The balance feels healthy, in that it’s not all just coasting but work on exercising joy and choosing positivity as much as possible.

Pacing myself today,

MM

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Distractions and Brotherly Love. (62)

I sat down to write nearly an hour ago, but distractions abound in the house on a Saturday night, when siblings are attempting a sleepover and any manner of mice, spiders or splinters might pose a threat to those sleeping on the floor. (Just to clarify, the floor is carpeted, not wood.) Then there’s the slippery slope of compelling Instagram stories, replete with pictures of cute babies and every advertisement possibly targeted at an expectant mama in her third trimester…all gain my attention so much more easily than they would at a more alert and purposed time of day. But here we are, documenting day 38(?) in this 100 day countdown, and the truth of the matter is, I’m a little extra physically spent today and my mind is wandering to so many places.

We mostly stayed home today, which was lovely even on the heels of a homebound week. E and I ventured to the farmer’s market this morning, followed by a visit to one of our favorite shops downtown. I enjoyed using part of a birthday gift to purchase a few new plants for the baby’s room and E enjoyed carrying her rainbow-y bouquet of flowers and a bag of macarons through the market. The intermittent sprinkle of rain and the cloudy, cool morning made for the perfect day to casually wander for a bit before heading home to the boys (and the Matchbox cars and Legos and IKEA furniture building party that evolved into the afternoon). We’re making progress on various things here at home in prep for baby, and all things are one step at a time. The boys’ new room has two of everything, naturally, so J is exercising extreme patience in building two desks, two nightstands, two beds, etc. to get ready for the boys’ transition down the hall. In a good deal of discomfort today, my contribution was presence and moral support (plus being a human incubator, which is worth far more, I suppose). It’s so fun to see things coming together and I’m excited for the boys’ new space. I think it’ll be a great refresh for everyone, and besides, it’ll mean the crib goes up again soon. When we put it away the last time, I wondered whether it was reasonable to keep it here, taking up space. You can bet I’m so thankful that we kept it, and all the more thankful that it’s coming back out of storage once more.

Rainy Saturdays are good for inside projects, and I’m grateful that we could tackle a few today. When these summer weekends hit, it feels hard to balance inside and outside time, so I kind of like it when the weather tells us what to do. Tonight was family movie night and snack-y dinner, and it’s a tradition we all love well. Easy food prep for me, lots of options for everyone’s plates and a low key time of entertainment for our whole crew. A favorite aspect of movie night for me is the moment when C finishes his dinner and comes to find a spot with me on the couch. I love how we’ve figured out a way to curl him just so in my lap around the baby, or to make a nest for him right close so that we’re not missing out on the chance for a snuggle despite of my ever-growing belly. When he’s near, there are always a handful of sweet moments where he feels baby move, gives extra hugs or talks to baby quietly. I can sense his endearment to this little one growing, and I know that he’ll be a doting and protective big brother just as soon as he’s able. He told me tonight that he wished he could just hug the baby forever. That’s so good for a mama’s heart, even if the comment or moment is fleeting.

All in all, today was a good day and this weekend is a much needed weekend. We’re all in recovery mode from a long week, and having low key time together is highly valued and restorative. A few fresh plants and flowers in the house perk things up even more, and the sun coming out after the rain today was a lovely shift in the day. I can feel things slowing down for me a little, even as I want to be able to speed myself up in ways. This exercise of learning stillness continues in my daily walk, and I’m grateful that God pursues me in it in ways I can’t ignore. He is faithful to see us through to where He wants us to go.

I’m re-learning what it is to juggle a few new additions to my plate lately, and baby will be along before we know it, so it’s good that my pace is a forced slowness with a lot of intentionality required. Another pruning season for me, to be sure.

Distracted or otherwise, I’m still here, coming along.

MM

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Today in Headlines. (65)

For whatever reason, I kept hearing our life in newspaper format as the day went by today. If we were interesting enough to make the paper, I think the front page headlines tomorrow morning would read something like this:

“Wonderful Wednesday Postponed: Family Plans to Resume Original Schedule Next Week”

“Local Family Maxes Out Library Card in Record Haul”

“Tonight’s Menu Shifted to Friday as Local Pizza Establishment Pinch Hits for Dinner”

“Baby Jogger City Mini Deemed Safe and Effective for Use with Children Five and Under”

“Pom Pom and Paper Plate Crafts Entertain Youngsters for Hours”

“Screen Time Limits Removed Until Center for Sane Parents Determines New Guidelines”

“Health Forecast Predicts Overcast Skies for One More Day, Sunnier Outlook Expected Friday”

“Expectant Mom of Three Grateful for Cooler Temps and Gearing Up for 90º Days Ahead”

“Despite All Efforts, Dishes Still Piling Up in Sink Daily”

“Full Pantry Doesn’t Meet Expectations of Students in Grades Two through Five”

“100 Days Posts Getting Trickier for Local Mom: Headlines from Here on Out”

Kidding. Kind of. 35 posts in…1/3 of the way, and my creativity is waning at times. But as I explained to E the other day, to not document these days hardly seems fair after doing so for all of our other babies. And besides, I do so love having a record of these seasons (regardless of whether every day brings a legit blog post or I defer to haikus or headlines to bridge the gap and allow me an earlier bedtime). Both documentation and sleep are important at this stage.

If we did have a newspaper, I think we’d have to call it something really creative to gain readership. I’ll work on that. 😉

Signing off for tonight,

MM

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Cozy at home. (66)

After a good bit of this past year spent at home, it’s funny how there are days now when time at home is all I crave. I knew that I’d miss the season of always being home, but just like when you don’t anticipate that it’ll be the last time your baby sleeps in a crib or the last time you change a toddler diaper, that season ended more quickly than I thought it might. When something good is suddenly over, it’s hard not to miss it.

The grass is always greener though, right? This week we’ve had a few days so far of needing to stay home, and now I’m itching to get out to places like the library, the park, and anywhere that means we’re getting sunshine. We took a walk around the block today and it was beautiful–the temperature was perfect. But one cruise around our neighborhood and back to the house was what we had the capacity for, and as soon as we were home I wanted more. Am I crazy to feel this way? Some days this parenting gig feels like we’re just doing our best to bide the time until the next thing, and then the next. I never want to wish away time or days, but there are just certain spaces where the hours tick by so slowly, and everyone is feeling the weight or boredom or monotony of the day. When the kids are young, it feels a bit like mom is supposed to fix that.

The tricks up my sleeve for indoor activities are limited these days…read alouds, puzzles, art projects, board games, Legos, pretend play with a sibling. If we’re inside at home, I just want to tackle things on my to do list and have a hard time seeing the same kind of fun in what the kids want to do. Fun to this pragmatic mama is having bedrooms picked up, laundry done and the kitchen clean. The kids love that that’s my take on life. Ha! And I’m trying not to default to being a bore this summer, but I’m not sure I’m off to a great start.

The excitement around here today peaked around 9am when a new couch was delivered for the living room. The delivery guys had it in the house, unwrapped, legs on and the couch in its place in no more than 5 minutes. The kids thought this was pretty amazing, and then everyone took turns trying it out and snuggling up to read on it for just about the rest of the day. I’m grateful for a diversion like that on a day when at least 2/3 of our crew is looking for something to do.

I’m truly glad we’re a cozy-at-home kind of family who generally likes being together and in the same space. I’m also glad that these summer days of not having much flexibility to head out on adventures won’t be every day–hopefully only some here and there. I’m keenly aware that there are things we’d all like to do before I’m walking around in that “late third-trimester” kind of way and counting down days instead of whole weeks to baby. Then, I’ll probably be very happy to sit tight on the couch and the kids will be itching to get up and go, just as I was today. If these next few weeks or months find a happy medium, with a rhythm of rest and adventure, I know we’ll all be glad and better for it. I do so love having all of the kiddos home in one place together, even if it means some boredom challenges along the way.

Here’s to summer days that find balance and keep us all moving forward at a pace we can embrace,

MM