May 22, 2013 by mollymadonna

a different kind of permission. (94)

Yesterday, I really needed to get some things off of my chest. It was just a rough day all around, and I was not in a great space to internalize it. I love this platform for that reason…sometimes, you just have to say what you’re thinking, and you need a good place to do so. I did try to leave out some of my frustration and such, but I hope that my honesty is freeing for those who don’t feel like they can always be honest themselves. I filter a lot. A. Lot. And there’s a time and place, and a certain audience for many things. Still, if I couldn’t laugh at the end of the day yesterday, then what did I have? I was feeling stripped down emotionally, physically, parentally. If we haven’t all been there at some point, then I don’t know what.

Flash forward to today, and a whole lot of vulnerability and honesty and truth all around. The day was filled up with friendships and catching up and opening up in a way that was refreshing and uplifting to my soul. What a remarkable distinction from just 24 hours ago!

In particular, I’m reflecting on the beauty of one friendship that has been nurtured slowly and, I think it’s fair to say, intentionally over a number of years. I am always blessed when I enter into time and space with this dynamic and incredible woman and her family. It’s as if the airwaves of communication just open up to my heart, and suddenly, hours have gone by and we’re pouring out all of the ways we’re connected by experience and emotion and God. I am at peace and rest in her home. We sit on the floor and play with the kiddos and talk about every little and big thing. And often, I’m left pondering something she’s said, long after our latest visit has ended. This is someone I believe God has used–and is using, to speak into my life.

Permission to speak freely isn’t always about ranting or raving or needing to just “get it all out there” when you’re brimming up and about spill over (although it can be, and that’s totally ok). Sometimes it’s finding a safe space where you can truly be yourself, and then allowing your reservations and insecurities and masks go entirely, for the sake of integrity, vulnerability and openness to what God will do through someone else. I think I used to be a much more open book to most, and I’ve had to learn a lot about reservation and caution and discretion as I’ve matured over the past decade or so. I believe God has called me to this as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend. In the same (and perhaps as a result), I’ve discovered the extreme value of having a few (and just a few) trustworthy places to really pour out my heart. I’ve had to grow increasingly discerning in this area, and that can be so hard when you want to trust in the goodness of those around you.

In the most beautiful of friendships, permission to speak freely means that nearly anything is fair game to throw out onto the table–without judgement, without reservation, and without worry of what can be done with said information. I believe God places these friendships in our lives in the exact right times and places, and for a purpose–that He can be better glorified through the Truth that is so evident when authenticity is a safe and two way street.

I so loved today. And I especially loved the gift of a lengthy conversation over coffee and the sounds of kiddos playing happily nearby. I loved the celebration of what God is doing in each of our lives, and I am beyond grateful for the hearts behind our friendship on either side of the table. Permission, granted. Again. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of friendship, and for bringing such beautiful, incredible, spiritually open people into my (our) life!

filled up by the joy of sweet friends, tiny babes, and precious gifts from God tonight,

May 21, 2013 by mollymadonna

permission to speak freely. (95)

Before I begin, can I just say that I really wanted to title this post–Forget Walmart: People of Meijer Take the Cake? But maybe that would have been pushing it.

If you have been grocery shopping with a two year old, you know what a blessing and a curse the task can be. There are all kinds of wonderful moments of discovery: matchbox cars, the produce section, the FISH, mommy!!! And then there are all of the ways that shopping on your own (and perhaps especially when six months pregnant), seems like it might have been the better route to take. Today was a great reminder of why shopping at 11pm isn’t such a bad idea. For various reasons. I’ll start with the interesting lady in the breakfast food aisle who decided to chat with my little chap.

Lady to H: “Ooooh, when are you going to be a big brother?!”

H: “Hi!”

Me with a smile: “In August :)”

Lady: “Oh. Wow. You’re awfully BIG for August!”

Ok. For starters, thank you. Thank you lady I’ve never seen before for absolutely making my day. Are you serious? Are you a real person? And have you had children? (I know the answer is yes, because you preceded to talk to me about your 12 year old “baby” for the next five minutes.) So you might know that telling a woman (who is six months pregnant and headed into her third trimester in the heat of Summer) that she is awfully BIG is probably not the most encouraging thing. Also. I’m 5’1″. That’s not really changing, so as it turns out, my kiddos (as I’m growing them to be fully complete human beings inside. of. my. belly.) have to grow outward. My ribs and skeleton are just not giving them much of an option to lay vertically (and invisibly) along my spine. Just saying.

So yesterday, I was feeling pretty great about this belly that was really just mostly belly, and today, I’m feeling like a freak of nature. What in the world will people say when I’m grocery shopping come July? I can hardly wait to tell you all about it! (End Meijer rant number one.)

Meijer delight of the day #2:

So I’m strolling down another aisle with Henry when he decides to practice his new spitting technique in the direction of another shopper. Awesome. She doesn’t actually notice, but to make my parental/disciplinary point to H, I tell him he needs to apologize. Brilliant. This is the part where he apologizes to the woman, and then as we’re walking away says with gusto and drama, “I’m sorry, big man!” Um, yeah. How do you explain to your two year old that A) We don’t refer to other people by their size, and B) That it was in fact a woman you were talking to…after spitting at her. If a sink hole had appeared in the middle of the grocery store in that moment, you can bet I would have searched it out and jumped right in. Oh, Henry. I love you and your verbal nature, but buddy…could you throw your “awfully big” pregnant mother a bone here?

Meijer delight of the day numero tres:

We’re in the checkout lane when Henry decides to make friends with the incredibly shy and quiet cashier, who happens to be about two feet taller than I am. And he says to her: “Hey, red woman! Hey, red kid! I have a great big head!!!” Dear, dear, dear. Have I not explained to you before that we don’t refer to others by the color of their shirts? (Although a sensible conclusion at your age.) And that a woman is a woman–or even a lady, but not a kid? And that I’m super thankful that you said, “I have,” when I know you meant something else? And that you’re a stinkin’ riot, even though I have no idea how to follow your act sometimes? In line just two people behind me, a friend had the amazing opportunity to witness these antics at the end of my already frazzled and harrowing shopping trip. If it hadn’t been for her camaraderie and understanding in the moment, I might have left without a bag or two, or forgotten to pay, or flipped out a little. Who knows. It was clearly not my day to get groceries.

Meijer shopping trip delight part four:

On the drive home, I stopped at a four way stop–at the exact same time as the person directly opposite me. Being that her vehicle was completely bashed in on the front left side, I did not see her broken turn signal flashing to indicate she’d be turning left. Whether or not I would have had the right of way in this case (see DMV driver’s training book for details), I made my way into the intersection, as it appeared my company was also going to be driving straight ahead. WRONG. My Meijer adventure was rounded out nicely as expletives flew at me from the driver’s side window of said damaged vehicle. Thank goodness my worth is built on far more than the opinion of a terrible driver. Yikes. And I hope H didn’t hear…It is a wonder your car is missing its front end, awesome lady? Should I even call you a lady?

So there you have it. Another humorous, enlightening, and uplifting trip to Meijer for the books. I don’t know what it is about the belly, but it sure does seem to bring out the best in others (and certainly the best in hormonal stability on this end;). Pregnancy, I truly do love you. I love everything about you. Except the “attract all kinds of crazy and keep it coming” part. But I digress. Permission to speak freely? Granted. At least for today 😉

recovering on the couch with this beautiful big belly,

May 20, 2013 by mollymadonna

and away we grow! (96)

Everywhere I look, growth feels apparent and abundant these days. The trees and plants are all proclaiming Spring, the grass is rising at a marvelous rate, Henry is an increasingly chatty and independent little person, and my belly is expanding by the week. Nothing around me seems to be slowing down, and I can’t say I mind. I love change and progress, even in the midst of doing my best to embrace the here and now.

Today we moseyed with a dear friend downtown, enjoyed iced coffee, browsed inspiring racks of vintage clothing, and tried out toys at our favorite shop for kiddos. Henry was in and out (and in and out, and in and out) of the stroller, testing out so much of what the day had to offer on his own terms. We recognized cars and trucks, celebrated every MINI Cooper and VW Beetle that went by, said hello to the “whoa-ter home” twice as we passed it on both sides of the street. (H doesn’t have his own baby version of words much these days, but “whoa-ter home” is one I’d love to hang on to:) And we ran through the grass, crossed the street carefully, and shared our weekly bagel “and maybe some dip!” for a snack. Life is moving right along–but at a lovely pace as the seasons change. And I am soaking up as much time with the Bug as possible, even as we celebrate and anticipate the arrival of the Button together every day. H’s awareness of his little brother or sister fills me to the brim with joy. There is no doubt the Lord is preparing his heart for a sibling as baby gets closer and closer.

Tonight, we ordered pizza and took a family walk to the park before making a special “late night” trip to the train station to watch the commuter train roll in. The park was nearly empty as we went from swing to slide to teeter totter and back again–just the three of us embracing 80+ degree temps and a settling down sun in the distance. And our adventure to the train station may have proved fruitful…H went to sleep a little more peacefully, despite needing mama in the rocker nearby. I think we’re making baby steps in the right direction as we navigate life together in this two year old state. In the meantime, we’re soaking up our days where we can and taking a moment here or there to appreciate the growth all around us.

taking time out on a park bench for a family photo op!

26 weeks…and growing!

so blessed and thankful tonight for a beautiful monday. here’s to the week that follows!

May 19, 2013 by mollymadonna

i think i can, i think i can. (97)

Parenthood is amazing. I’ll start there. You go to bed one night as round and filled up with life as you can possibly imagine, and the next day, you give birth to an entire human being. And the process only takes nine-ish months. From something invisible to the naked eye to a miniature, life-filled, totally dependent and perfectly yours little babe in less than one year. Boom. Welcome to the world of parenthood.

At first, everything is new and unfamiliar–beautiful and groggy and kind of sleepy-ish as you muddle through late night wake ups and practically ’round the clock feedings. And despite the lack of sleep and sensibility in this new season, there is absolutely nothing else like snuggling the tiny person you helped to create…the one who has your nose or chin–who wrinkles up his or her forehead “just like daddy” and giggles “just like mommy” as the weeks and months go on. Life stays miraculous at three months, six months, nine, a year. And it keeps on going, straight into the world of toddling and teething, walking, running, talking, discovering. When you’re parenting for the first time, every first for them is a first for you, too. And sometimes the firsts are crazy-wonderful, and sometimes they’re hard as can be. You find yourself trouble-shooting often, praying constantly, and in moments, holding your head in your hands as you try to muster up the energy and patience and love to do this parenting thing all over again in T-minus 10 hours (or however long your little one sleeps). And you can do it, sure, and you won’t run out of the ability to try again, but man is it hard some days. In our case as of late, man is it hard most nights.

At two years old, our munchkin is facing a nightly fear of trains. During the day, he loves them, but at night, he is terrified. We don’t live on top of train tracks or anything, but even a mile or two away, a train sounds louder than life to us when the little one is trying to fall asleep. He talks about trains. He shares his fear openly and unabashedly, which I admire and appreciate. But try as we might, no amount of praying, reasoning, encouraging, or creativity has cracked the code on our train dilemma, and to be honest, this mom and dad are tired. The fear of trains welling up in the evenings means super late nights and often an extra hour or more of awake time for our little one at the end of the day. Just when we’re ready to wind down and relax for a bit, or to take care of the last few items on the to do list, a train goes by. The hysterics begin. Our “parenthood” comes alive–real, tangible, exhausting, at the end of already long days. We look at each other with a sense of weary understanding, gathering ourselves up on the same team to combat the big, bad train issue. And we take turns heading upstairs to our panicky boy.

Parenthood is incredible, but it is most certainly not easy. We know that we could be dealing with a world of much greater turmoil and strife as parents–and we’re so thankful that’s not the case. But this is a rough season in its own right. Dad has often worked a long day. Mom is 26 weeks pregnant and growing. It’s 85 outside, and everyone is just plain hot and tired by the end of it all. Not to mention our sweet little man…worried and unable to separate fear from reality at this young age, he falls asleep at night only when mom or dad is there to calm and convince and protect. We’ll get through it I’m sure. But in the meantime, I’m adopting the familiar mantra from The Little Engine that Could: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. We all can. Somehow God equips in the moment, and not a minute before in this case. And He fills up my tank afresh in the morning to look parenthood straight in the eyes another day. Praying for a fresh anointing of peace (and rest!) for all in this house as we weather the latest adventure.

puff, puff, puff. chug, chug, chug. thanks for the inspiration, little blue!

May 18, 2013 by mollymadonna

a day in pictures. (98)

Sometimes the day (and any pictures that go with it), just speaks for itself. Today was one of those beautifully sunny, warm, “Hello, Summer” kind of days–a Saturday brimming with family time and celebration of all that is good. Its contents included coffee downtown, the Farmer’s Market, strolling with my boys (and the babe, of course), a fireman themed birthday party, more ice cream than this currently dairy-free mama should manage, exciting news, an afternoon nap, homemade pizza, a walk on the pier, baby ducks, and a beautiful sunset in the distance. I couldn’t really ask for much more than that now, could I?

It’s often the little things that make life so glorious…I hope your day was filled with simple blessings, too!

this was actually taken the other day, but h was up to the same delightful antics at today’s market–pointing out all of the beautiful flowers and exploring to his heart’s content. if anyone can tell me what those little pink beauties are, i’d be so grateful…love them and want them to fill up the yard!

our content little birthday party-goer, post-sprinkler and cake.

i asked h to show off his hat for me later so i could snap a photo. this "action" shot and a big "Cheese!" was what i got in reply.

i asked h to show off his party hat for me later so i could snap a photo. this “action” shot and a big “cheese!” was what i got in reply.

and then we insist on wearing our fireman hat around downtown for a stroll. why not? perhaps we’ve established a new summer uniform?? and yes. that is a tattoo on my son’s leg. we also refuse to wash that off in the bath… 😉