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best part of the day. (34)

Before long, I’ll be taking a hiatus from worship team at church–to give myself time with the new babe, and to give our family time to adjust together without extra commitments in the mix. I love leading worship with such a beautiful team of people, and as much as it adds challenges here and there with a young family at home, it also adds a great deal of joy to my life when I’m in the midst of it. No matter what is going on here when I leave for rehearsal or a Sunday morning service, God always meets me where I need Him most and infuses His Spirit and presence into each time of worship. This morning was no exception. After a difficult and busy week, singing in church today was pure refreshment for my heart. More than being a beautiful way to start the day, it got me through the hours that followed…something I really needed this weekend.

I’ve been worshipping in my head and heart all day long, despite raw moments of frustration and exhaustion and an unyielding achiness from carrying this sweet pea around. I’m so thankful for God’s covering even in the middle of what’s hard.

The very best part of worship for me this morning was the chance to sing the lyrics to the song below. I’ve just been feeling this song so personally this week, and it was a necessary expression of my heart as the words poured out. Bar none, it was the highlight of my day.

I’ll be going to bed tonight with this running through my head, and I hope it’s still lingering tomorrow. I know God is nudging me to remember his faithfulness and presence very intentionally in this trying run of days…

None But Jesus, Hillsong United

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won’t refuse
Each new day, again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you’re sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

may it be so as we head into a new week.
choosing Christ, and with Him, joy.
mm

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can’t make this stuff up. (35)

Henry has been on a roll lately. When we’re not trying to work through the challenges of being two and the boundaries he’s testing often, he has us laughing pretty much non stop. I’m so thankful to the Lord for giving us a little one who brings an incredible amount of joy to our home and family. We can’t wait to see what this next babe will bring to the mix, too!

Tonight as we got H ready for bed, he was in comedian form. As I prayed for us, he whispered the word “fever” over and over into Jason’s ear. We wouldn’t normally find this funny, but J hasn’t been feeling well all day, and for some reason, it just got us both going. Laughter is the best medicine, right?

Then as H said goodnight to the baby, this was his dialogue, “Hi, little person in there…Goodnight, baby. Sleep well in there. Talk to your mama.” Awesome. I love this kid. Where does he come up with these things?

And as I said final goodnights to him in his bed, he requested I rub his arm. As I did, he said to me, “I love you, too. You’re my best friend. And I’m your munchkin. I’m your Hanker Tanker. And you’re my beautiful best girl.” Well, swoon. There’s not a whole lot much more to do besides that. This kiddo melts my heart, even on days when we’ve battled or pushed or been at odds here and there. He is truly a gift to my spirit. To ours. Our home and our family are beyond blessed to count him among us. And so it is with this sweet baby as well. The closer we get to August, the more delighted my heart becomes. We’ll get to meet this precious soul so soon–what a joy he or she will be for all of us!

blessed to be mama to both of these gifts. so thankful to be h’s best girl 😉

mm

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fresh air. (37)

This week has flown by, and been jam packed with activities and meetings and commitments here in the little blue house. We’re managing, but the weekend will be a welcome chance to take pause, to have some fun family time, and to organize even a few more details as the clock ticks down towards baby. There’s just been little room to make much progress in those areas over the past four days. That being said, I feel like life offered me a little reprieve this afternoon…

You know those days where something just turns around and you feel like you can breathe again? I can’t say that to be true of the entire contents of today, but I can say with great relief that I am breathing easier on one account, and it’s making a world of difference in my heart. We had our first doctor appointment with our new doctor this afternoon, and I’m 100% sure that we made the right move in the right timing. This was only my second conversation with the new practitioner, but twice now, I’ve had lengthy, invested interactions where I felt like I was being heard–like we could engage in conversation on an open and reasonable level.

I had stopped feeling like this was possible with my previous doctor, and at 32 weeks pregnant, had grown somewhat fearful of how that component of this next birth might play out. As I’ve shared a little bit in other posts, I’ve been fighting back a lot of fear stemming from conversations with my first doctor. So much reservation about something I’m so passionate and excited about felt unnatural and unnecessary to me. Words have power, and someone else’s fear can easily become our own. I’m working hard to erase that planted fear as the days tick on. This afternoon’s appointment was a huge step in the right direction.

I’m so thankful that J is as invested in this process as he is, and that he was able to make it to today’s visit with me to meet our new doc. I think we both walked away with a much greater peace about our options, our approach to birth, and our hopes for a safe and healthy natural delivery. Despite a very hectic day for both J and me, I feel a bit lighter in my step thanks to someone else’s willingness to be open, informing and encouraging. As I continue to unpack more about birth and pregnancy here, I look forward to sharing more about the significant impact that this change has already had on me, and why I feel so strongly that every woman is entitled to feel empowered, informed, and safe when she’s expecting.

so grateful for change tonight. and for a much needed breath of fresh air.

mm

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heat advisory. (38)

Today was Wonderful Wednesday again (they just keep coming!), so naturally, H and I had plans to go the farmer’s market, among other things. I made a long-ish list of items we needed to pick up, filled water bottles with LOTS of ice, packed H’s bag, and we were off. I was determined to be out of the house on the early side, and to return early enough that we would avoid the midday heat that’s settled around these parts for the past few days.

Truth be told, the “feels like 100 degrees” week we’re having hasn’t really phased me in my pregnant state. Sure, it’s hot, but I’m honestly not terribly bothered by the fact that it’s this warm in July. It is, after all, July. And I’m not sure I feel hotter these days than I would any other summer when we’re all doing our best to keep cool in the sun. For the most part, we can be choosey about when we’re out in the heat, we can limit our exposure if necessary, and we are fortunate enough to have air conditioning at home and in both cars, so I really can’t complain. The only place that’s tricky is work, and that’s because we sit in the front, south facing windows of a very large building that is not staying adequately cooled off this season. Not much to do about that (although a dear co-worker brought fans in to cool off the space with her pregnant friend in mind. A huge blessing!) At any rate, the temps merit mentioning, simply so I can accurately recall what the weather was doing in these last few weeks of baby carrying and such. It will be fun to look back on “that July of 2013” with fond memories of a heat wave and our braving it with joy, but I digress…

The market was deliciously beautiful as always. It was also a bit less crowded than normal (presumably the heat factor), which made pushing a stroller around much more pleasant. We gathered cherries and blueberries, peaches, potatoes, and tomatoes, carrots, maple syrup, cinnamon swirl bread (hello, french toast!), whole grain bread, peppers, an onion, a cucumber, and a quarter watermelon. Oh, and a handful of dahlias and zinnias for good measure. How could any other time of year be my favorite when we have this kind of agricultural joy at our fingertips in the summertime?! Henry was delightful company, hanging onto the flowers and making conversation with the vendors. It’s just become one of our very favorite pastimes together!

Afterwards, H declared we needed a carwash, so off to the carwash we went. I have genuinely come to revel in the quiet bliss of a three point five minute car wash. Seriously, it’s brilliant. Henry is fascinated by the brushes and sponges and water and blowers, and I’m just as happy as a clam in the front seat, peeking in the rear view mirror to watch his face and enjoying the very minimal interruption from my side of things. A car wash (and a clean car) certainly make Wonderful Wednesday more wonderful.

From there, it was off to the meat market to round out our shopping before heading home. H got a kick out of asking for every last type of meat in the case, and I stocked up on good finds for dinner and grilling over this next week. I do have some thoughts to share on the meat market and some changes taking place there, but perhaps it’s best saved for another day (and not used on a perfectly good, 100 days post;) I so love being able to drive only minutes down the road for high quality, locally farmed meat from a small business, but I think that’s all about to change. That does not make Wonderful Wednesday more wonderful, but I’m just saying…

When we got home, I did the most natural thing a pregnant mom would do after being out in the heat for a few hours. I gutted the refrigerator and cleaned it out from top to bottom. Standing in the open door of a cool fridge will help you to forget how hot you may have been slightly earlier. And besides, a clean and organized refrigerator makes a nesting mama a very happy one. The project was mildly laborious, but mostly it was just fun to tackle. H helped by taking things out of the fridge to examine them, and by keeping me company with his silliness all the while. We rounded out our W.W. morning with a Skype call to Auntie B and Miss E, which makes any day better. By nap time, we had exercised a lot of energy and were both ready for a rest. The day felt well rounded and sensible (in light of the heat advisory and the need for a little grocery run and all).

The closer we get to August 25, the more determined I am to make things count. I was reminded again tonight at worship team practice to treat every day like a miracle. Because they all are. Even when it’s hard or hot or riddled with emotion. Even then. So tonight I’m thankful for another miracle. Another day of baby kicking and Henry being two and the house needing attention. I am so blessed to have all of these things to be responsible for, truly. It may be hot outside, but I’m doing my best to keep my cool indoors. Take that, heat index!

here’s to another miraculous day tomorrow!

mm

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heart preparations. (39)

There is a lot of time between the moment you find out you’re pregnant and the day you head to the hospital to deliver a baby. A lot of time. Or at least it feels that way, until you’re suddenly just five or so weeks from your due date and baby’s arrival is somehow coming up fast. You start to think of all the things you want to be sure to have done before the little one is born…of all the things you feel like you should do: nursery prep, home organization, deep cleaning, LOTS of baby laundry, more organizing, mentally preparing your other child(ren), catching up on play dates and correspondence, fitting in dates with your spouse, getting some sleep, etc. And above and beyond all that, of course, readying yourself emotionally and mentally for the big day and major life change that’s around the corner.

Is it possible that we can distract ourselves so much with the details of how everything looks and feels aesthetically, that we can miss the opportunity to really prepare our heads and hearts for one of the biggest and greatest days of our whole life?

I’m so thankful that God is slowing my pace down enough to find moments to remind me…Molly, let’s focus on your head and heart. The rest can wait if necessary, but get that part settled first. Yes. Let’s. That part needs to settle and be settled. For a few reasons…

After several weeks of running around with the weight of two bad care giver interactions on my shoulders, I’m trying hard to get back to a place where I wholeheartedly trust my body and my baby to be able to work together seamlessly. I feel like I experienced that as much as possible with H, and this time, I really don’t feel like I should have room for doubt. But the words of my (then) doctor keep creeping in. I’m having to fight more than I want to to preserve the peace in my heart that was so prevalent before.

People say dumb things sometimes, and depending on their relevance to the important things in your life, they can really have an impact. We should choose our words so wisely and be kind to each other’s hearts.

Now, I don’t expect a doctor to really understand this “kind to each other’s hearts” bit completely, as it’s not in his job description. But after several years of conversations and appointments with said dr., I really thought we had developed a great rapport. I’m sorry to say that it didn’t stick. I’m 34.5 weeks pregnant, and my first official appointment with my new dr. is two days away. I’m feeling all kinds of relieved and nervous and hopeful at the same time. Lord willing, we made the right choice for our family, and most importantly, for the health, safety, and peace of this baby and me. Admittedly though, I’m still hearing my old doctor in my head, and I’m having to work extra hard not to carry around the weight of some overflowing self-doubt and worry with regard to baby’s birthday. I’m determined to go in with the best possible mentality, it’s just taking some time to get there.

At some point, I’ll share how the entire scope of my picture for baby’s d-day has changed dramatically in the past few weeks. It’s fairly raw, and I don’t think it’s quite the time yet to open up about it. I’ve been working through my own disappointments and trying to reshape my hopes in my head–and somewhat quickly. I still have no idea what that day will look like to a large degree, but even when you’ve prepped and planned and prayed like crazy, there are always going to be outlying factors that you can’t know or plan for in advance. So, I’m working my hardest at preparing my heart in other ways.

I love these moments at the end of the day, when it’s often just me and baby here on the couch. I watch him or her move without reservation in my belly, and I am reminded of the miracle of all of this…the incredible answer to many prayers that this baby has been all along, and the amazing process that God has designed for us as human beings. How did something so very small and microscopic already grow to have such a prominent place in my belly? In our lives?

Nine months, give or take a bit. All the time in the world and yet, not quite enough to prepare ourselves for the inevitable surprises and delights of childbirth and bringing a whole new person home to love and care for from here on out. I’m working on getting there, with some handful of weeks to go. And when the day arrives, I’ll be praying like crazy for God to bridge any gaps left over–that I would embrace the day with zero reservation and approach this new experience with complete joy in every bit of the process.

lovin’ on this baby as i prep in every way.

mm