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Courage, Dearheart. (25)

Are you the type of person who surrounds yourself with messages that you know your heart needs to hear? It’s taken me time to realize how much of an impact this has on my spirit, but just like anything else we feed ourselves, the right, repeated messaging goes a long way. I have a set of simple leather bracelets that each have a short encouragement engraved in them, and depending on the day, I choose one or a few or all of them to wear. Sometimes it’s a little check on the mood I’m in while getting ready in the morning, and the messages serve me all day. Today’s lone bracelet: Courage, Dearheart.

I love this one because it applies to so many things. These days, it’s usually a reminder to put one foot in front of the other and to do that well. Stepping into another 24 hours, especially as we get closer to baby, I find myself gathering the day’s new mercies and doing my best to carry them into each appointment, meeting, motherly responsibility and task. I fail at this sometimes, but little nudges here and there are helpful to spur me on. The calling to lead a life well-lived is always on my mind, and to honor that means I hope there’s trickle down into each aspect of the day, as far as I’m able to see it through. There’s no such thing as perfect in this regard, but it feels much better to aim for a glass half full than not.

Courage, Dearheart. To me this means to live boldly into what’s in front of me, to offer my best, to live without fear of what lies ahead, to advocate for myself and for my people, to set boundaries where they need to be, to choose health and healthy decisions, to let my yes be my yes and my no be my no. It means to be brave when I’m not sure I’m ready, to say what needs to be said (and with kindness as much as possible), to be who I am and who I was created to be, to trust that God’s best for me is the very thing I need. A few little words ignite a spark for me at the start of the day that gives me the fuel to step into the next moment, and lately, these are some of the words I’m embracing to do just that.

If wearing my favorite bracelets in labor was a sensible thing to do, you can bet I’d probably have them all on that day. Instead, maybe they’ll be tucked in my hospital bag for the hours and days after baby arrives. No doubt I’ll need those encouraging messages in the wee hours and when nursing and when four children is new territory, too. Words move me and I’m so thankful for it. What words are moving you lately?

MM

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Processing. (26)

I have to admit, keeping these posts coming every day for the past few months has been an undertaking this go around. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed writing them (and certainly not that I won’t enjoy having them for our sweet honeybee), but more that I’m more taxed at the end of most days, and there’s more needed from me in all directions before I can sit down to record thoughts at the end of it all. That said, I’m sitting here tonight and recognizing again that this truly is part of my process when pregnant–the chance to write down ideas and thoughts and leave them somewhere to land is probably as cathartic as it is routine. Maybe this is one of the best areas of growth for me in pregnancy each time, just making a point to stop and record the season and the emotions and the moments I’ll be glad I didn’t just forget.

Today in church I was soaking in the feeling I have every weekend sitting or standing there–the way this little one moves around in my belly as the music plays, as we sing, as we listen to the week’s teaching. There’s little else in pregnancy that fills me up as much as those sacred moments, and I can remember them clearly from being pregnant with each baby. With H, Christmastime was so meaningful as I thought so often about Mary being with child and getting to experience that for the first time myself. I was always drawn in so deeply in church then, just as I am now, while carrying this babe. With all of our babies, times of worship have felt so rich; I can’t help but be overwhelmed by the gift of another baby growing in my belly each time. All of the words to songs stand out differently, just as they do in seasons of heartache or difficulty. To feel the depth of emotion in either direction has drawn me closer to God time and again.

As I was sitting in the pew this morning, I felt prompted to reflect on the fullness of that feeling I have with our kiddos around me and a baby tucked inside. It was another grace-filled moment of God reminding me to savor the space He held for me right then and there. Sure, there are a few more weeks to go on the calendar countdown to baby, but before I know it, we’ll hopefully file into the pew each Sunday with a baby carrier in tow. That will be a different sweetness, for sure, but it won’t be the same as the miracle of Creation happening inside of me right now. I plan to savor and embrace the coming season, too, and yet God’s nudging today was timely in recognizing that this day, right now, is something we don’t get back. It’s the only one like it. And I can see that and make the most of it, or I can squelch it and miss the blessing of it altogether. In church today, I was so thankful that God offered me the choice to soak it all in.

Today’s message was on one of my very chapters of the Bible, Psalm 91. I have read it time and time again over the years in moments of fear, worry or doubt. It’s a beautiful passage for so many reasons, and I loved the visual image repeated over and over today of God sheltering us under his wings. It’s just one of the most tangible verses in scripture to me. I love birds, and when I think about a mama bird sheltering her babies, or I think about how I feel about mothering our own children, that image is so clear and palpable to me. To be hidden in the shelter of God’s wings…that is a security that nothing else in this world can promise or provide. As we near another opportunity to welcome life into this world, the implications of that process are not lost on me at all. This ever-growing baby is going to have to go from inside to outside, and I’ll need to be a key player in making that happen. To know what I know about birth and how this process has gone for me in the past is very helpful, but it also raises extra questions about the unknowns that can come with any labor and delivery. I’m still getting my mind around what that might look like, with so many differences in our life and family and location than we’ve had in births past, not to mention all that’s different in a hospital setting now after a year+ of so many health variables in the world.

I can’t possibly know the unknowns, so I have to focus on what I do know and pray about all the rest. The most comforting known of them all is that nothing is unknown or will be a surprise to God. He has every detail written already, and He also has me–has us, under the shelter of His wings. If He didn’t, I wouldn’t feel the nudges that I do to savor a particular moment, to remember an interaction, to soak up what’s right in front of me. In His goodness, He is in the details, even as I sit down to write each night and often come to the table with little in mind of what I might say. I think it’s ok to say that God is happy to be writing the story, and I think it’s part of this journey for me to trust Him ever night that the right reflection will be there. I can’t take any credit for that; only God. In these days and weeks (and probably months) ahead, I’ll surrender more than I used to think necessary or possible, and I don’t doubt it will be for my good. God is in the details of this process and my processing, and it’s with His help that I can lay things down and trust–rest, even–under His shelter and care.

MM

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Heartbeats and Ultrasounds. (27)

Dear Baby,

All along now, I’ve done the same thing I did when I was pregnant with your brothers and sister. I’ve tried to keep everything as simple as possible where tests and medicines and doctors are concerned, and I’ve prayed a lot, trusting God with as much as I have in me to know that He has you. He does have you, always has and always will. Sometimes as your mama I forget how little I control because of how much I want to know you here–there is a deep, deep longing in my heart to see your face and learn your personality and add you to our family earth side. I think that will make sense to you one day, or at least, I hope it will. Meanwhile, God is taking care of all of the details, not me. I can do my best to grow you well and to be a safe and healthy environment for you for these weeks and months, but I can’t change however many days God has ordained for you here in the world. I just pray that they are many, and that His plans for you are great.

Yesterday in our non-stress test, I listened to your heartbeat galloping along, “like a white noise machine,” as your brother H said. It’s true that the rhythmic, peaceful pattern of your heart was like an invitation to fall in sync with you, even if we already are in sync together. As I waited there, I sat in awe of how God has kept your precious heart beating for at least the past 31 weeks…all inside my belly, all on its own, created by Him and orchestrated by Him without any need for my intervention. How anyone could not marvel at this arrangement will always be a great and heartbreaking mystery to me. The Creator of the Universe sustains you, sustains me. The invitation to participate in this process is so humbling, I never have the right words to describe how it feels.

Tonight I was in my office watering plants and putting a few things away when I saw the stack of ultrasound pictures from the three ultrasounds we’ve had with you. I’ve avoided the rest, but these three scans were fairly important, so we have pictures to look at of you from each of those memorable days. This last time was four weeks ago, and unbeknownst to me, the ultrasound tech decided to turn on the 3D ultrasound just briefly. I was really hesitant to have her do that, but then she found the outline of your face…your features…your little filled out cheeks and tiny lip pout, and I was overwhelmed with who you already are and how you remind me of your siblings but still look just like you. Of course, seeing you for a moment on an ultrasound pales in comparison to the day we’ll meet you face to face, but my heart needed that little encouragement that day and I didn’t even know it. To see just a little bit more of who you are was a gift, and it makes me all the more excited to get to know you when you arrive in just a few weeks.

Everyone here is eager to meet you. I still can’t visualize how everything might go on the day you decide to declare your birthday, but I can absolutely picture the moment we bring you through the front door to meet your brothers and sister. It all feels like a dream now, and it probably will on that day, too. But the closer we get, the more enthralled I am with the idea of it all (even though I’ve not needed anyone to convince me that you’re supposed to be here :). It’s just…the nearest we’ve been to this reality, and I’m feeling all of the feelings about that fact.

You’re 36 weeks along in there, little one, and I’m not even sure if “little one” feels accurate at this stage. Only you’re this precious tiny babe who will come out and make a giant impression in a matter of a moment, and that’s a lot to take in and just the most beautiful reality.

We are waiting for you here, and while there will always be more projects and things I’d like to do, we’ll be ready when you are–however that needs to be. Keep growing inside a little longer, ok? I’ll try to be patient and maybe we can be patient together.

Love you so, little Honeybee,

Mama

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Let’s Be Noticers. (28)

This morning we came downstairs and E gasped as I opened the blinds to our slider door: “Mom!! There’s a bald eagle!!!” and sure enough, one had just flown past our deck. We watched as it circled back around before flying over the water and away between houses. The timing was pretty perfect and the eagle was amazing; we couldn’t have contrived that moment on our own. But the fact that E saw it and celebrated it so excitedly was a gift in and of itself. It felt like a very good start to the day as we all hurried on to breakfast and off to take her to camp.

H has been away all week at overnight camp, so when I dropped E off today, I hadn’t seen H since Monday morning. I’ve been intentional all week about not being a shadow parent, but I’ll admit that I hoped I might catch at glimpse of him at least once during our twice daily drop-offs and pick-ups. As I walked back to the car after saying goodbye to E, I noticed H’s group sitting up on a balcony having breakfast, and I made the conscious decision not to call out to him or try to get his attention. “We pick him up in the morning,” I thought to myself. Then I sat in the car for a few minutes sending a quick email off to him instead. Just before I started to drive away, he came back out to the balcony alone, eating what was probably the last few bites of this morning’s cereal. Since he was by himself, I opted to shout a quick, “HD!” out the car window, and he turned around to offer me a big smile, a wave and an air kiss. My heart! I quickly waved and blew a kiss back, the window back up in a matter of seconds so as not to embarrass him, when he gestured to me to open it up again. “Where’s C?!” he asked. It was so sweet and sensitive of him to even think of it. And of all days this week, our littlest buddy was at home with dad, so I told H quickly, shouted a “Love you!” and headed off. It was a 20 second exchange, tops. But it was just what I didn’t know my heart needed, and if I hadn’t felt the nudge to stay just a few minutes longer, we both would have missed it.

From there I headed to my 36(!) week appointment and my first non-stress test. It was such grace to have everything check out as it should. Listening to baby’s heartbeat for 20 minutes on the monitor was an unexpected way to connect with our babe that I enjoyed so much–another gift among gifts stacking up, all before mid-morning. I came home to find a little bench sitting by the window just inside the front door. C came running, and I asked him what the bench was doing at the window. “I was watching and waiting for you to come home!” he said sweetly. A little while later upon his request, C and I spontaneously snuggled up on the couch to watch videos of owls “to learn facts about them.” All the while he cuddled his newest favorite lovey–a beanie baby owl of mine from years ago that I found in the basement while digging out baby items yesterday. For the rest of the day, he shared owl facts with everyone. What a joy! Just the kinds of things mama dreams are made of, right? And especially when feeling oh-so-pregnant and relishing in every good and beautiful thing or distraction or moment. So many graces.

This afternoon after the last day of day camp pickup for E, we stopped at our favorite blueberry farm for a quick picking session to snag some berries for the weekend. While E and I picked together, I mentioned that I could stay there all day, out in the quiet calm of the field. A few minutes later, E said to me, “It’s so peaceful out here. So quiet. And listen! Now the birds are singing for us and there are so many blueberries!…” She is a girl after my own heart. It was a perfect moment. We’d found a shady spot to pick out of the sun and were filling our bucket with July’s goodness, one handful at a time, together. I have the sweetest memories of picking berries with a very round belly twice before, and doing it again just feels like exactly where I’m supposed to be at this time of year. It’s a little slice of heaven every time.

It is one of my core values to live in wonder with our children, and when God makes a way for that desire of my heart to be filled, it’s just one of the best feelings ever as a mom. Part of my intention to live in wonder is to make a big deal out of little things that really matter because they point to God’s creation–a butterfly landing in a bush in the front garden, a family of baby killdeer running around in the sand, the smoothest rock on a rocky beach, the way the cucumbers grow from their flowers and the zinnias have gotten so tall. Together, we’ve cultivated a habit of noticing and sharing in the things worth noting together, and it’s probably one of the aspects of my motherhood I feel most confident about. Every time one of the kids points out a unique bug (or in C’s case the other day, a dragonfly exoskeleton), a small animal, a perfect flower or someone’s pretty dress, we celebrate the beautiful in the ordinary, and it makes the days resonate with gratitude in ways I’m afraid we’d miss otherwise.

I always want to be someone who celebrates beauty when I see it. I want our kids to know that it matters to notice the good, everywhere we can find it. I can’t wait to open up a whole new book of wonder as we bring home a tiny babe once more and everyone can watch first hand as he or she joins our family, grows and discovers. Our kiddos are going to be the best teachers to this little one, and it’s because they’ve embraced the art of noticing. It’s a joy to be out in the world together, where we all see things with different eyes and find wonder in different directions at the same time. Sometimes the noticing is what gets us through, and it feels like God offers little nudges of His goodness all of the time so that it’s there if we’re willing to seek and grasp it. I’m so thankful there were so many lovely things to pay attention to today. Outside of them, the day was quite ordinary–or it could have been.

So grateful for these days with our babies. My heart overflows when I think about the goodness of it all.

MM

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Encouragement. (29)

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43.19 (NLT)

“For the Lord your God is going with you! He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!” Deuteronomy 20.4 (NLT)

“He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40.3 (NLT)

“So take courage! For I believe God. It will be just as he said.” Acts 27.25 (NLT)

“God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.” Psalm 46.5 (ESV)

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41.10 (ESV)

“Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.” Romans 4.20-21 (NLT)

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62.5-8 (NLT)

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14.14 (NIV)

There are so many verses in the Bible that are rich with encouragement and hope in any situation, but these have stuck out to me over the past number of months, so I decided to leave them here tonight. Maybe they’re a reminder you needed today, or maybe they’re here for me to refer to all at once when I need an extra dose of security and strength. Either way, God’s Word is living and active, and it can always reach us where we need it, when we need it. I’m so thankful for this manna in my own life and in the lives of those around me. When the world is noisy and distracting, here is where we can place our trust and hope.

I pray this finds you well tonight.

MM