MollyMadonna.com

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the dude-la. (25)

At dinner the other night, our friends asked if we had hired another doula for this upcoming birth. Knowing that our former doula had recently relocated, they were curious whether or not we’d found someone new. We shared that we hadn’t chosen to hire a replacement, and, gesturing to Jason, I quipped that we were all set because I’d have my dude-la support on hand. I meant it to be funny, but it’s actually quite true, and thus, I coined the term for future use and explanation. 😉

If you’re not familiar with the term doula, the basic definition is a woman experienced in childbirth who provides advice, information, emotional support, and physical comfort to a mother and family before, during, and just after childbirth. I share a little more about my own role as a doula here, if you’re interested in knowing more. (You can also find an additional link there if you’d like to learn more about supported birth and why I think having a doula is a wonderful option.)

Jason and I have had an amazing doula to support us as we welcomed both Henry and Eloise. After having support with Henry’s birth, I couldn’t visualize Eloise’s delivery without our doula in the picture, and we were so fortunate to be able to work with her a second time. We’d have loved to have our doula with us again for this birth, but given the circumstances, we’ve instead spent time processing whether we wanted a new doula in the room, or if we felt comfortable relying on each other given our previous (and very positive) experiences.

At the end of the day, what gave us the most peace was the decision to work through this next labor together, without a new doula alongside for baby #3’s arrival. It was a crazy-hard choice. As a doula myself, I wholeheartedly see the value and appreciate the comfort that comes with doula support, and Jason does, too. But we have worked well together as a birth team twice now, and it will be a new and equally beautiful thing to head into the hospital with some experience under our belts, believing and trusting that we can navigate birth well the third time around.

Before having Henry, Jason and I attended Hypnobirthing classes, taught by our doula. Hypnobirthing is not as wild as it sounds, although we did attend with reservations at first. Over the course of several classes, what we gained was greater confidence in my body’s ability to birth well, and a set of visualization and relaxation techniques that could help me to cope (and even thrive) in labor and birth. The class proved to be more than helpful, as we employed exercises we’d learned to welcome both Henry and Eloise. I’ve felt more in control of my thoughts and actions/reactions, and Jason has been equipped to help me through the more difficult parts of labor with useful tools and reminders.

Having a dude-la is a funny way of saying that my husband is my support person, but I think it’s just about right. Jason’s presence at each birth hasn’t just been about him being in the room, but rather taking an active role in helping both baby and me to do the hard work of laboring and birthing–without fear or a lack of confidence in a positive result. Knowing that Jason knows me, knows how I function in labor, and knows what I’m hoping for in the birth of this baby are all added comforts to the fact that he is familiar with what brings me back to a self-controlled, measured, calm space in labor. No one else in my world can claim that role at this stage, and I’m grateful that we can do this together.

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Baby number three has kept us on our toes and been an adventure already, so I have no doubt that this next birth will be exciting and wonderful and new in many ways, too. As we look to that day ahead of us and prepare for birth again, it works out well that my husband and my dude-la are one in the same. I’m sure this next notch in our parenting belt will have a great story to go with it. Now if only I can muster up the patience to weather this waiting space as we get close.

endorsing doulas and/or dude-las for all!

mm

 

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do one thing… (26)

We were in slow mo a bit around here today…we started out planning on church and all kinds of other activities, but a little illness in the house changes things pretty fast. Poor Eloise must have eaten something that didn’t agree with her, because she spent the morning quite down on her luck. It’s the first time I can remember (since she was really tiny and we were still figuring out her dairy allergy) that she has gotten so sick to her stomach. She is one tough cookie, though, and she weathered it like a champ. It just meant for lots of quiet story time this morning and a general grounding of the family for the day while we let things settle a bit.

The reoccurring theme in my life right now seems to be “slowing down.” I know I’ve shared quite enough about this not being my forte, but I’m starting to think maybe I could get really good at it with so much practice available.

I slept for about four hours last night, although not for lack of effort. I was set to get closer to eight, but two of our three kiddos (one in utero and one upstairs in bed) had other plans. Needless to say, I was pretty groggy when the day started, which contributed to the pace of our whole family as the hours played out. Though there is plenty to get done around here (and while I feel like we’re actually making great progress), I’m learning that we’re not all so bad at just going with the flow and sharing down time together.

We wear our sunglasses at night! Post-dinner family stroll earlier this week...always a good reminder to slow down and make room for the (important) little things.

We wear our sunglasses at night! Post-dinner family stroll earlier this week…always a good reminder to slow down and make room for the (important) little things.

For two kids who have an unending amount of energy, and two parents who love to stay busy and search out fun experiences, we’ve settled into a weekend routine that’s rather mellow. I think there’s a time and a place for so much mellow, and certainly a time and place for more excitement and fun. Right now, we’re getting adjusted to slower, sleepier, quieter, and of course, there’s good reason.

Jason and I are masters at the arm’s length long to do list, and we attempt to pack it all into weekends and late night projects. We’re ambitious, but also tired, and I think we’re becoming a little more realistic about what we can do with the time and space we have.

Is this lesson hard for anyone else? I’m sure it is, but sometimes it seems like everyone everywhere is juggling life and household items, family adventures and time with friends, chores and meal prep and faith communities and full nights of sleep with ease. I’m just here to say that right now, in our reality, we can’t be masters at all of the above without wearing ourselves into the ground. The cost is high, and it’s not a fun price to pay for sanity and rest and quality time doing simple things like reading piles of stories and having living room dance parties with the kids.

We’re all pooped, honestly. I have no complaints (except maybe that I wish I could move a tad faster right now), I just want to make sure that we’re fitting in what’s most important and letting go of what’s not. The letting go part? That’s the hardest for me, but I’m working on it.

My mom taught me something about to do lists a long time ago that I may have to implement here pretty soon…do one thing, cross off two. There’s no shame in it, but perhaps a little realism and an extra dose of grace. The push is not worth the price tag (at least right now).

I’m still hopeful that all of the things I keep adding to lists might get accomplished before our little babe arrives–that would feel so good! But I know without a doubt that this time around is part of a long process for me of learning to relinquish control…of continuing to open up my hands to God and becoming ever more dependent on Him. I need to keep learning that my worth is not based on what I do or how much, and that life is not a matter of tasks, but of carefully spent moments doing the most important thing.

What’s your most important thing right now? Is it laundry and organizing dressers and labeling boxes for the attic? I think I’ve let those items become more important to me than they should be, for sure. I’m going to keep working on this whole “priorities” bit. I’m being shaped by the process. I’ll still change out endless loads of laundry and organize life and things as best I can, but not without trying to focus more and more on rest and resting in Him.

always a student,

mm

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defying gravity. (29)

“Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep…It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!” -Defying Gravity, Wicked

September, I like you already. Every year you are full of promise, and every year, you bring about change. Already, not 24 hours in, you are hopeful and moving forward, your reputation of harvest welling up in the air, in the orchards, and tucked away inside this rounded belly of mine.

***

I so love how God has ordered our lives in this way, that each of our babies has come in a month and season that feels exactly right for who they are and how they fit into our world and family. I expect this little September babe to be no different.

Henry was most definitely a bountiful, colorful spring after a long and wearing winter. He brought life into our family, and drew me out of myself and into a world of growth and hope. He was a breath of fresh air for all of us.

Eloise arrived in the heat of the summer–fast and determined and full of vigor. Her entrance into our family was celebratory and almost easy going, and although she also has a serious, thoughtful side, she is lighthearted and go with the flow and all kinds of sunshine.

This baby tucked away right now has been so mysterious to me in ways, but he or she is becoming a settling child who has challenged me to push through hardships to discover the sweet–who most certainly represents a harvest season for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually as my faith stretches and grows. God planted a seed in my heart about this precious life long ago, and to think that it is coming forth so soon is a little surreal.

Precious babe at 36 weeks.

Precious babe at 36 weeks.

Like autumn arriving on the heels of summertime, there is a bittersweetness in saying goodbye to generous time and undeserved freedoms and carefree adventures. But when we trade summer for fall, we also trade lack of routine for stability; we trade the warmth of the sun for the coziness of settling in. And maybe trade is the wrong word altogether, because in any case, autumn trails summer so beautifully, and everyone seems ready for its syncopation when it gets here.

This baby bean is keeping time for me, bringing me so gracefully toward change in ways I’ve not even realized until now. And suddenly, with a due date within reach and this pregnancy winding down, I feel like I can say “yes” to what’s coming without the reservations that had previously held me down.

***

After weeks of praying, turning myself upside down (literally and figuratively), chiropractic adjustments and not-so-comfortable massages multiple times a week, summersaults and handstands in the pool, bouncing on an exercise ball each night, always laying on my left side, bags of frozen peas on my belly, shining flashlights to get baby’s attention, and doing my very best not to worry but worrying anyway, I went to the doctor today to discover that baby has indeed settled into a vertex position. Of course there is still time for moving around again, but I am confident that we are on our way to the type of birth I have prayed for and dreamed of for so long.

Speaking life and truth over this baby and pregnancy, my heart and mind have shifted in these past few weeks. Instead of hanging on challenging stories and what ifs and best possible outcomes in scenarios that leave me unsettled, I have finally been able to open up my hands and dive into trusting the Creator who entrusted this life to me in the first place.

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I have no doubt that all of my physical shenanigans to attempt a baby flip have helped in their own way, but credit goes to God answering prayer and ordering my body in the way that He designed it to work. He has been pursuing my heart in a major way, and I have (once again) been on a journey of letting go and shedding my unbelief in exchange for peace and trust that His word is true and His ways are best. (If only I could hold onto that lesson in every life circumstance and not need to relearn it every time!)

There are so many unknowns in this lifetime–and in pregnancy, as with all things. We dance on the edge of assuredness and joy, contrasted with feelings of curiosity and sometimes, doubt, as we navigate so much we cannot see.

If pregnancy is not about faith in a higher power and miraculous things taking shape every single day within us, I don’t know what is. And God has given us authority here on earth to take ownership of our greatest, deepest desires and hopes through His Word and through prayer, and then offers us the privilege of glorifying Him when our hearts find peace and our arms cradle new life.

The harvest is plenty. Welcome, sweet September and all you will bring.

changed,

mm

 

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nesting instinct. (32)

Oh, hi, little nesting instinct of mine. I remember you. But I’d forgotten just how fast you came to town and how quickly you’d set up residence again here in my midst. I know nothing these days if not the 1,002 things I’d love to tackle and accomplish in the next 3-4 weeks.

Thankfully, you motivate me. I should be exhausted tonight after four hours with the kids at the pool on the heels of a busy weekend, but instead you’ve got my brain on a hamster wheel. It’s fascinating how you work.

Everywhere I look, there is something to do. And you make me very practical, which is nice. Nope, no time for that. Yep, that’s a must. No…wait until the A list is complete first. Yes, bump that one up to the top of the pile. Every day there’s more to do in one category and less in another. And the beautiful thing is, baby is going to come in his or her timing whether I’ve completed every list or none, anyway.

I’m so glad that your presence here in my world helps me to prioritize things like milking the summer with the kiddos for all it’s worth while we can, but also nudges me to vacuum every day and a half. (Ok, I don’t really like the vacuuming part, but it’s a good reminder to try a little harder at least). Jason has a thing about the baby and dog hair, and I think it’s catching, because now when I see traces of our four legged creature anywhere, I just want the evidence gone immediately. Nesting instinct, if I give up on the dog because of you, there are small people in this house who will never forgive me. Reign it in on that one, ok?

In spite of our family’s continued efforts to reduce what we have in the house, and although we have tossed, sold, donated or recycled well over 1,000 items since May, your influence makes me see things everywhere that I want to ditch so badly. I’m trying to be realistic, and most of the time, that means “I’ve not seen or used this in way too long. Adios.” Hallelujah for this baby growing business to result in an intense need to purge my life and space, too. Bonus!

Remember this, old friend? Progress, not perfection. Even though perfection would suit us both right about now.

Remember this, old friend? Progress, not perfection. Even though perfection would suit us both right about now.

If we can work together well for just a few weeks longer, I think I could really start to feel great about welcoming baby into the newly organized and cleared out spaces we’ve made together. To the benefit or detriment of the rest of the fam right now, you’ve got me on a serious mission. It feels good, and I like it.

Pretty soon, we’ll pull out some of the baby gear again, and new/old things will make their way back into the living room, our bedroom, the kitchen, my purse…so long as there is a place for every thing, I’ll be quite delighted. And if we can somehow accomplish “everything in its place,” I think we’ll have supernaturally made a giant leap over the reality of a house with small humans running through it, which would be something for your record books, for sure.

Lastly, I’m all about this non-caffeinated burst of energy that has me puttering and processing and scheming organizationally all throughout the day, but I’m thinking sleep might be a pretty good plan at this point, too. Let’s see if you and I can strike a happy medium, ok? There’s going to be a premium on fully leaded sleep around here awfully soon, and I wouldn’t mind a little stockpile 😉

Thanks for being you, nesting instinct. No doubt God created you, and for good reason.

lining up all of the ducks (although the kids prefer them in the bathtub, and they’ll likely move them back again before I can blink, just FYI),

mm

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oh, me of little faith. (43)

I’ve been a bit hung up for the past few weeks, and I need to call it what it is. Our baby has yet to find what I’d consider to be an ideal position for birth, and while doctors and nurses have all tried to be reassuring that there’s plenty of time for things to change, I’ve struggled to get my head out of a negative space about it for days.

My disposition isn’t helping, I know.

I have entrusted so many things to God over time…past pregnancies, our babies, our children as they grow, our marriage, big life decisions, terribly hard situations, and even getting pregnant with this baby at all. So then, why is it so hard for me to entrust something as simple as the bean finding the right way to hang out in my belly in time for the type of delivery I’m dreaming about?

I don’t know. Fear, probably. Frustration. Distractions in a thousand directions that pull me from spending time in focus on what this baby needs and what I’m hoping God will do.

I’ve tried to pray about it. I do pray about it, but in little spurts on the fly, mostly, which isn’t exactly the kind of prayer attention and energy I’d usually give something that matters so much to me. I’m just not sure what stops me up every time.

I ask the kids to pray about it and to talk to baby about it almost daily. There are several of us talking to baby these days, and we’re all saying the same thing: “You’ve got to put your head down, baby.” If he or she doesn’t want to flip (or more realistically, shouldn’t flip), I don’t want to push the issue. I know that I can’t see what’s going on inside my uterus, but God and baby can. I truly don’t know best on this one.

Trust isn’t typically an area I struggle in–certainly not with babies and my body and how they work together, and very, very rarely with God. It’s not my disposition or my character. This combo of doubt in two directions feels like mental/emotional/spiritual territory I’ve not yet explored, and I don’t like it.

You’ve read enough here about baby being breech, and I don’t want to be a broken record. I also don’t want to park on this issue, when there really is plenty of time and room for change, and when I need to be as positive as possible about the outcome of baby’s birth being exactly what I’ve hoped. Still, in the interest of being candid and forthright with this record of days before baby, and in a effort to be honest with myself about my struggles as I share this walk with you, I feel like this confession needed to be here tonight. The past two days have been particularly hard for me regarding this pregnancy and whatever’s happening with baby, and I’m hopeful that if I open up my hands in surrender and truth, something about our current status will change.

Either I’ll find total peace about baby being in whatever position it chooses, or he or she will find a way to flip upside down before the big day arrives (and hopefully, with a little room to spare for my heart’s sake).

I want to trust this process as I have in times before. I want to be encouraging and uplifting to baby, not thinking negative thoughts and putting us both in a tough spot in these weeks as they wind down.

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I want to believe with this, too, that God is just as sovereign here as He has ever been.

Maybe it’s just me tonight, or maybe you’re also struggling with something that you want to let go of and you feel stuck, too. Maybe your struggle is ginormous compared to a head’s up baby, and this seems so trivial, but the thought of opening up your hands and trusting is something that meets you where you are. Or maybe your struggle is small potatoes to anyone you share it with, but it feels insurmountable to you in this moment, and now you know you’re in good company when you thought you were alone.

Whatever the case, I’m here, trying to offer up what small grasp I have on an issue I really can’t control, and I’m praying that we can all give up the things we want to cling so tightly to, in exchange for peace and room for God to move the way He knows best.

He does know best.

And nothing is too big or too small for us to bring to him.

Not even little babies tucked safely inside their mamas, and not the thing that weighs on you today that God is waiting to shoulder on your behalf.

I’m trying over here, and it’s awfully hard. I’m feeling painfully human. Thanks for the grace to know me and to come back to the table with me in my messes, big and small. Baby isn’t the only one turned around over here, but hopefully, we’ll get ourselves back on track before long.

on hands and knees with a bag of frozen peas (Hey, anything’s worth a shot;) ),

mm