MollyMadonna.com

by

Some Things Don’t Change (and I Guess Some Things Do). (32)

I’m pretty sure that each pregnancy now I’ve shared about a converted piece of furniture, so why not keep tradition alive? I don’t think I know how to birth a baby without redoing or purchasing a repurposed dresser first. I’m not sure why it’s always a dresser, but maybe that’s practical. I mean, there has to be a place to put all of baby’s things, right?

Buying a dresser was on my radar again this time around, but not for the nursery. I assumed baby would sleep in our room for a while, and I wanted a piece that was changing table height to be multifunctional. While we were away in April, I saw an ideal-looking dresser newly-posted on Instagram by a thrift store I enjoy. Never does it work out that you’re the first one to comment and place a hold on items like this, so I halfheartedly called to see if it had already sold. As luck would have it, it was still available and I bought it over the phone, essentially sight unseen. This feels risky when it’s a piece of furniture that I’ve never looked at closely, smelled the inside of, or tested out for hiccups. Still, we came home a week later and lo and behold, this dresser was everything I’d hoped. It was a super lucky find for the right price at the right time. And now that it’s up in our room, I still love it as much as I did the first time it caught my eye. It’s mid-century modern, the wood is in beautiful condition and the drawers are in amazing shape. I happily figured I’d end my dresser search there.

Fast forward to a month or two ago and J suggested that we’d want a changing table in the baby’s room. I have to say, the thought hadn’t really crossed my mind. I’d just figured that by a few months in, we’d be changing baby on the floor and not need a surface. Generally, I find reasonably-priced changing tables to be somewhat unattractive, so after a few half-hearted attempts at looking, I shifted into dresser mode again. I went out in search of a quick and easy solution the day after the 4th of July. I actually prayed on the way out that if I was supposed to bring a dresser home, I know so because I’d find one that fit the bill for a really great price. I had in mind to make two stops, max, and then to call it a day. On my first stop, I made a pass through the store and spotted a dresser that seemed just the right size. The wood was solid, the drawers were in good shape, and when I turned the price tag over, it had been marked down from $260 to $74. I’m not sure why I even debated it at that point. Sold. I’m sure the girl at the shop and I were quite the sight getting it into the back of the car, but we did it. And then I brought it home and proceeded to debate it for a week, until not having a dresser in the nursery started to stress me out. I know, I sound a bit off my rocker. The rocker will be a subject for another day. In the meantime, I’m just trying to capture the “essence” of this stage of pregnancy, and apparently dresser decisions are right at the top of the list of things I worry about. Go figure.

Today, the dresser is on a drop cloth, smack in the middle of the baby’s room, with a newly painted top and further revisions about to take place tonight and tomorrow. I have a thing. I don’t know how to explain it or why. What I do know is that getting this dresser sorted out feels like the lynch pin in a process I’m just so anxious to finish. The room is really not that complicated and I just want it done. I might even dare to say I need it done, in that I’m not feeling peaceful about anything in its place since it’s not actually there. And if this little one is going to arrive in the next month, I guess I’d better get moving. What a weird space to be in, feeling like this. But I am, and it’s what it is.

Aside from my being consistent about dressers and things, something that’s new to the picture lately are the Braxton Hicks I’m getting nightly. I wouldn’t share this fact if I thought I was close to labor. I’m sure I’m not. But fourth pregnancy this far along and the body knows what the body knows. This is a great sign that things will be in working order in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I think I’m making people around me nervous unintentionally each time I note another contraction. We could do this all the way up until August 20th, people. That would be akin to the last two weeks of my pregnancy with C, only right now they’re just sprinkled throughout the evening and not lasting hours on end. That was really something, and while every ounce of it was worth it, I don’t plan to live that story down to the detail again. We’re aiming for something else this time around. Since every birth story is totally different, I think we’re safe to assume that this sweet little tale will have its own purposeful ending, too, but I’m getting ahead of myself now. For tonight, it’s the dresser. And bedtime. And tomorrow, it’s a drop-off and a playdate and work to-dos and probably more painting. One. Day. At. A. Time. It’s really what’s best–certainly in this season, and probably always.

MM

by

Busy Baby. (34)

Today was a typical pre-baby Saturday around here, and the fact that I can call it “typical” has its merits and faults. We’re all homebodies this summer, trying to fit in things we (mom and dad) feel we need to get done before baby arrives. The fact is, we know that most of these items won’t be touched for a long while after the baby is born, so we’re putting in the time now as best we can. I’m no good with having projects unfinished, as much as I try to be. And I think we all feel the pressure of the clock ticking down, good or bad, so while our (my) pace is slowing, there’s still always more to stare down at the end of the day.

I guess you could say the kids are getting used to this rhythm a bit…they’ve found lots of ways to keep entertained around the house (books, LEGOS, playing house, magnatiles, playing outside and generally driving each other nuts). It seems about right, but I know everyone is feeling a little worn. It’s the middle of July and finally hot outside, and I want to be facilitating other things for our crew besides errands and organization and painting another piece of furniture. I just can’t settle about baby arriving until a few more pieces of the puzzle are in place, and we’re getting close.

This little one inside has been as busy as a bee all day long. Last night was a rough night, sleep-wise, and today has been evidence that while I may not have rested, baby must have gotten to sleep just fine. It’s like having a little jumping bean in my belly. Baby’s kicks and jabs aren’t giant for the most part, but the rolling baby movements are plentiful. My stomach looks like someone is molding Playdoh from the inside, non stop. This is pretty fun for me, minus the occasional stomp on a nerve or the like. I love seeing baby so active in there. It’s affirming and good, and I feel so much more connected to our little one this way. Yesterday was quiet, but today has made up for it and then some. I wonder what our babe is up to, truly!

Besides navigating a low key-ish kind of busy Saturday, there’s not much new to report. We’re down to the home stretch in my mind, which feels great. I do keep praying that I’ll have enough time to get certain things done before the baby is ready to be here, but if life teaches me an extra lesson by way of unexpected timelines, I’ll work on embracing that, too. It just feels so good to know that this little honeybee is now developed enough to be born without major intervention, most likely…there’s a peace about that that my heart has needed to feel. I’m still battling hard thoughts sometimes, but I’m trying to set my sights on baby’s birthday and what those details will look like. To hold this little one will be 1,000+ dreams come alive.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I generally love Sundays. A day focused more on church and family than other things always feels like a needed and grace-filled part of the week. A highlight of each weekend is when baby dances in my belly during church…it’s one of the sweetest memories I have of being pregnant with each of our babies. I love that they’ve all responded to music and how they feel so peaceful in their movements when we’re singing as a congregation. It’s an added gift in this process that I will always treasure.

Rest well tonight, baby. Rest well tonight, friends.

MM

by

What’s Right in Front of Me. (35)

There are so many days right now where I feel an extra nudge to be present, and today was no exception. I felt those whispers all day long. I’m so grateful for this. It’s a kindness from God to be reminded to savor the simple, routine things, and this time in our lives is one I really want to be able to see clearly when I look back. That’s not to say that every day is easy or without its share of hiccups, but I just think all of the time about how this life we’re living now could be the sweetest version of life we experience, and if that’s the case (or really, even if it isn’t), I want to appreciate it for all it’s worth. I don’t want to miss it.

Watching E and C at swim lessons today, the number of times I laughed at their antics or comments was plentiful. And the joy I found in watching them attempt and overcome new hurdles was such a good feeling–their pride in themselves just made my heart swell a bit. It’s so special to see them coming into their own in things, and especially to watch them face insecurities or challenges head on. Watching them interact with their swim teacher and each other gives me such a lightheartedness…they are genuinely having fun and learning together at the same time. It’s a sweet part of this summer that’s been meaningful to me.

Then, sitting with other moms while H enjoyed spending time with his friends at a party today was really lovely. I was thinking back to last summer, after a shortened year of school, and just how hard it was not to know other families from his class or to connect him to friends. Things were so different in the world a year ago, and I don’t think any of us knew exactly how to feel or be as humans desiring more interaction with others. What a gift today, to see other moms, but also to watch all of our boys enjoy each other’s company and just have fun together–it’s a sweet group of kids that I’m so thankful he has the privilege to journey alongside.

E also had a party today, and it was a similar grace in the day to see friends of ours and to send her off to enjoy time with other girls. We’re not very surrounded by families with girls her age, so to watch her connect with a friend she’s known for a few years now and to have the chance to celebrate and create together–it’s the stuff of a mama’s dreams. And to have her sweet friend run up to hug me and to feel a sense of being reunited…it’s all just such grace.

As I sent a message to a dear friend tonight, I included some photos from our time together with our kids earlier this week. Those pictures, where C is laying on a picnic blanket with his closest friend as they laugh unstoppably together, and where four of our kiddos are playing picnic with play food for a good bit of our visit–I can’t honestly even describe the layers of goodness in those images. A few hours in their backyard (or anywhere together!) has been a hopeful vision for us as mamas over this past year. These friends are like family to all of us, and we’ve longed for days when we could let the kids run around and play together again. Last May, when things with Covid felt scary and confusing and new, the world got scarier and harder for our friends as their eldest (C’s dearest) was diagnosed with Leukemia. This past year has been so filled with new challenges for all of them, and especially in the midst of all else going on. The number of times we’ve talked with our kiddos about “someday when we can all play together again” is too many to count, and suddenly, we’ve lived that moment we’ve hoped and prayed for for so long. While we know things will shift again come fall and seasons where the weather turns colder and germs abound, this week, in the fresh air and sunshine, God made a way. And He reminds us to savor it–every last bit of it, and to recognize these answered prayers right before our eyes. It’s all so rich with undeserved grace.

This evening before coming home from birthday party pick up, we stopped at Menards for a few things. Through most of the store and out into the parking lot and all the way to the car, E and C each held my hands, one on either side. As we wandered through the parking lot, I thought to myself, “Soon this is all going to change,” and the bittersweetness of that moment will stick with me for a long time. Right now I have hands for both of them, but someone will have to graduate soon as I use at least one hand to push a stroller or carry a carseat. Of course, I’ll still hold hands as much as they’ll let me, but my two hands will be a little less free to embrace these babies of ours, just as we’ve all been for the past (nearly) five years. I am so ready for this growth for us in ways, and I am probably mourning other things at the same time. If nothing else, the past few years have taught me a lot about holding joy and grief together, and while I won’t suggest that the new stage we’re entering brings grief with it, there is still loss while there’s great gain. The dichotomy of holding both at the same time stretches us in our humanity, I think. And I feel like it gives me a glimpse into God’s heart, as I imagine He is always navigating through all of our lives with ample doses of grief and joy.

I woke up this morning thinking about gratitude and wanting to be grateful, and here at the end of the day, I can see that God honored that intention in ways I couldn’t have planned. These days of waiting are hard, but what’s growing out of them is far better than wishing time away and trying to rush through to the next thing. The next thing will come, or at least we pray it will come as we hope. And meanwhile, the things right here in front of me are goodness and kindness and mercy that humble me and pause restlessness in my heart. The good life is the life we’re afforded today. Tomorrow isn’t a promise, and I never want to take it for granted. I pray that God will give me the nudging and direction I need to continue to appreciate and value what’s right before me every day.

MM

by

Naming Names, Part 2. (36)

Since the last post was a bit of a tease (though not intentionally), I thought tonight we could unpack the actual subject of baby names and where we’ve landed as we arrive at five-ish weeks left on the baby countdown.

Spoiler alert: We never share names before we introduce baby to the world, post-delivery. 😉

Now that we’ve got that bit out of the way, here’s a little more about our baby naming process and how it’s going this time around…

  1. Since we don’t find out baby’s gender, we try to take two boy names (1st and middle) and two girl names along with us to the hospital. You never know if baby will look remarkably like the first or second name, so it feels good to go in with options. So far, we haven’t had a baby who either of us decided was something different than our top name pick once they were born. Can we go four for four? Time will tell.
  2. We’ve usually landed on baby names by this stage in pregnancy. This time around, I think it’s fair to say we likely know what we’d name the baby if they were born tomorrow, but we really haven’t fully committed to a name for either gender yet.
  3. Naming the baby is a huge part of the preparation process for me. Once we know what we’d choose, I feel so much better about heading to the hospital. Maybe that’s one sure-fire way to be sure I don’t go into labor too early?
  4. We care a lot about the meaning of a name. There have been so many that we both liked, but where the meaning was just something that didn’t strike us well. I guess that’s a tactic for shortening the list more quickly?
  5. I have a really hard time with people suggesting names. I don’t know. I just feel like it’s a super personal thing, and that if a name we absolutely love gets thrown out in conversation, I feel super awkward and bummed about it. I just want our babies to be the first ones to hear it, and for our rationale to be our own and not tied to anyone else’s thoughts or expectations. I don’t mean to get all soap-boxy about it, and I don’t have opinions about how other people go about the process. I just love the element of surprise for all when baby is here and suddenly it’s time to know who they are, boy or girl, full name and all of the fun details like weight and height and such.
  6. Our kids have LOTS of opinions about names. C will often just make up new sounds to suggest as names, but he also has strong feelings about what works for him and what doesn’t. H has been pretty quiet about it, but he mentions a name here of there from time to time that he likes. E is like I am. She likes to try out the names with all other kids’ names, likes to think about how they sound with our last name, and wants to consider how the name works through all stages of life. It’s true. If I can’t see this baby as a sweet old man or a little old lady with their name, it’s not likely to stay on the list.
  7. Our kids have all been true to their names so far. I love that. I love how God works, and I trust He has a name for each one of us before we’re ever born. I think this process matters to me so much because I want to honor whoever God has made each of our kiddos to be, and I think we can discern the right fit if we give it enough thought and time.
  8. After all of the suspense of waiting to know this baby’s gender, our kids have all agreed that they don’t want to know the baby’s gender or name before meeting him or her in person. Because of current visiting restrictions at the hospital, this means that our crew is up for waiting until we get home from the hospital to know who this little honeybee is! And since we’ve always wanted our kids to be the first to know before anyone else, it also means we won’t be making any announcements until a few days after baby is born. That feels so foreign and hard to me, but I know it’s super important to honor our commitment, so we’ll be tight lipped for a few days until we can be home together as a family of six. Six! How crazy and amazing is that?!
  9. I’ve had a hunch on gender each time so far and started thinking of baby as their name before ever knowing if they were a boy or girl. This time, I’m really not sure at all. I’d love to be able to say I went four for four on guessing baby’s gender, but I don’t think I’ll have a set guess for this one. If I had to bet, I’d wager, but it would be something like a 52/48 split.
  10. One fun fact for good measure: Jason and I have always agreed on names for our children. Not once have we gone in to have a baby and disagreed or still held things up for debate. I’m not sure why we’ve been so in sync on this, since our styles vary greatly in many other ways, but it’s truly a sweet spot every time to be of one mind as we decide together.

So, there we have it. Baby Names 101 in our household. It’s such a privilege to name a baby, and I’m so honored by the chance to do it once more. Now if only to land on some options before too many more days get away from us…

MM

by

A Prayer for Today. (40)

In forty days and nights you might be here,

perhaps already nestled close at home or maybe

so fresh and new that I am fully taken with

taking in every bit of who you are. Your features,

just like dad’s or brother’s, sister’s, mine. Your

very own way of being in the world and we are only

witnesses to the miracle that means I got to be

your vessel for a time. Now,

we wait and wonder as we make room, prepare

our hearts for you. And this nearness, this

longing for the day to come when you will fit,

will curl into the curve of my arm and rest.

There. There in the place you have been

hidden, your life known before we ever knew

you, your days numbered by the only One

who could craft such detail into every part–

your eyes, your nose, your lips, fully formed.

The way your fingers bend tightly around mine, toes curl

like rows of peas grown perfectly in the summer

garden. Lashes flutter and close in sleep

after your journey here. Then, time for tucking in

together where I find you, feel my heart releasing

all I’ve kept in waiting and even more I didn’t know.

May it be so, love.

-Mama