January 3, 2015 by mollymadonna

well hello, 2015.

I’m not much one for surprises, really, but I do like change. So I like that the new year comes, as expected, every 365 (or 366) days, and I also love that it brings about new beginnings and fresh starts and the sense for everyone that we’re on the cusp of possibility. Sitting around a dinner table for eight with a beautifully radiant group of women a few weeks back, I shared what I most looked forward to in 2015–the fact that we (our little family) didn’t really know what good was in store, and the fact that I’m committed to diving into book writing this year (whoa). It felt great to put myself out there to friends new and old, to actually SAY I’d be writing a book, and to think about the year to come in a glinty, sort of romanticized kind of way. 2015 was attractive to me at the dinner table that night, and it still is (and maybe more so). But the very next morning, my husband Jason got hit by a truck and lived to tell about it, and that phone call and these past few weeks have ushered in 2015 a bit differently than I’d imagined.

In the midst of J’s crazy (and miraculous) accident and recovery, we’ve had moments of immense gratitude, a magnificent array of emotions, a new and different kind of juggling with our house/days/kiddos/life, the holidays(!), lessons in grace and humility, and a fresh experience with the depth of love between two people in covenantal marriage. I am thankful for nearly all of these things, despite the fact that many have been harder than we could have imagined. I will hope to unpack more of the accident and our experience somewhere down the road, but for now (and hopefully to quell concern), J is home, walking on his own two feet, and improving daily. If you saw him out and about, you wouldn’t know his body faced a truck head on two weeks ago, but he is certainly still healing. It will be something, to look back together in a year, or ten years, and to see what has come of one split second moment on an icy December morning. For now we are just so grateful–that he is here, that God has more for J to do on this earth, that our littles still have their daddy, that I’m not trying to forage a path into the new year without him.

Today I was able to sneak away to a nearby coffee shop during nap time, and to soak in God’s word and spend time in prayer and reflection over the year ahead. I’ve been aching to define a word for 2015 as I’ve done previously in 2011, 2012 and 2014, and I’m confident I’ve landed on the perfect fit for these next twelve months: intention.

Intention: In Latin, intentio, defined as ‘stretching or purpose’. Derived from the Latin intendere, which, translated involves a host of definitions that sync beautifully with what I feel God has placed on my heart:

…to have a course of action as one’s purpose or objective…design for a particular purpose or end…to have in mind as something to be done or brought about…to direct the mind on…directed with strained or eager attention…concentrated…

As I prayed this afternoon, digging into one scripture verse I’d heard over and over since asking God to take charge of my 2015, I landed firmly on “intention” as the guide and filter for my steps in the coming year. I have such peace, settling on a focal point that I’m trusting God will honor in the days ahead.

Eph 4.1, 15-16: Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God…¹⁵we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ¹⁶He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

These words will be my lamplight in 2015, in the midst of the good and the bad, the expected and unexpected, the scary and the crazy-beautiful. We forage a path with God or without God, but with Him, He gives us grace for the journey. He generously offers us boldness and courage in the smallness of the daily, in the magnitude of loss and love and life change, in the heart-stopping phone call on a random Thursday morning, in the book whose unwritten pages have a purpose yet unseen.

cheers to a year of living with intention in every way possible. and love.

July 7, 2013 by mollymadonna

good things take time. (48)

As I write this, my 400th post at mollymadonna.com, I am reminded of how most things in life that matter take time. Writing matters to me, and documenting thoughts for my children matters to me, but I certainly couldn’t push through a history of blog posts in one evening. 400 posts have taken me the better part of three years to write. Clearly, I haven’t been diligent to blog every single day, or to just hop on the blog whenever a thought crossed my mind. There are a lot of unexpressed ideas in and amongst 400 entries–things I’ve wanted to say and didn’t, things I’ve wanted to say and couldn’t, things I haven’t wanted to say at all, but that matter somewhere in my heart.

All of this time has passed, and for it, there are tangible things to show: three pregnancies, the birth of our first munchkin, this season of being full with child now. Changes in our home, adjustments in our jobs, new friends, deepened relationships, joy, loss, sorrow, healing, growth at the ready. Some of it is written here, and some is tucked away for another day. Regardless, I hope that those who have journeyed with me here have felt included, welcomed, free to be authentic, relieved sometimes at the normalcy of my humble little life and family. Sharing a part of myself is both a blessing and a joy.

So much of what I have always wanted has been a process of baby steps and patience and slow but tangible progress. Carrying babies, certainly. Obtaining my doula certification. The ever-changing shape of our home and how we use it to the fullest in different seasons. Building deep and lifelong friendships. Learning various skills. Honing my ability to be grace-filled and gracious, slow to anger, rich in love. All of the most important things in life (for me) have taken time. Good, valuable, stretched out time. There’s no use rushing what is good. And I’ve learned over the years that if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it’s not, I can either force it and arrive at a result I don’t love, or mourn it for a while and let it go. The latter seems to be less painful in the long run. I’m still practicing.

I don’t know if I would have guessed a decade ago that this life would be my life. In fact, I suppose I’m certain I had no idea. And there’s been so much beauty and surprise and redemption in it that I can’t possibly look back and question whether God has had his hand on me the whole time, quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) guiding my steps. I haven’t always chosen the easy road, but the hard roads have taught me invaluable lessons I go back to again and again. Growing in Christ and marriage and motherhood and friendship have all seasoned me in ways I can’t regret. I know that God is doing a work in me, and my hands are open and facing upward, longing to be led by the One who knows me best and knows what’s best for me.

I still have a lot to learn.

But I’m thankful. Thankful that here, there is a record of so much of the growth and shaping I’ve encountered in the past three years–the past 400 posts. And I’m thankful that this space is still and open book, with plenty more room for page after page of (hopefully) valuable reflection, even if I’m the only one thumbing back through chapters here after a time.

Another 47 posts from now, I’ll be writing about our newest addition and all of the joy that he or she is bringing, so fresh in our lives, or I’ll be doing my best to practice patience as we await his or her arrival. Either way, more growth, more change, more of this life, here for the savoring. Certainly, it’s all worth celebrating, even if the party is here on the page and I’m the only one marveling at the blessing of it all. If you’re here, consider this your cordial invitation to join me!

love from this two dimensional, communal space. and my heart.

June 8, 2013 by mollymadonna

no need to hurry. (77)

If only I could make myself believe that some days.

But we’re always onto the next thing, aren’t we? The next project, the next purchase, the next to do on the list? I’m guilty of this daily, and it’s this pace I sometimes keep that challenges exactly all of the things I was talking about here yesterday. “Make it stop!!” I keep thinking. I just have to work on the right place to begin.

Because I think I’m often so focused on the “what’s next?” that I miss the here and now. And all I really have for sure this side of Heaven is precisely this–the here and now. I’m not saying there’s no need to prepare for the future. I’m not saying it at all. But what I am saying is that I can get so caught up in what if’s and plans and possibilities and worries and commitments and self-imposed obligations that I miss the boat. Oh, you can bet I do!

I am only as focused as the very next thing sometimes, and I’m growing more programmed all the time to default to this. With everything at the touch of a button and the world at my fingertips through a tiny little box we foolishly just call a phone…

But it’s not just that. It’s emails and Facebook and twitter and ads. Sales! And For a Limited Time Onlys! And reminders flying left and right. When my two year old hears a real phone ringing in a restaurant and asks, “What’s that sound, Mommy?” I can’t help but think maybe we’re getting this all wrong sometimes. There was value in the phone that stayed on the wall and only got answered when we were home. There was value in the (maybe) weekly trip to the store for what the household needed–no more, no less. Nothing was really instant or immediate, and everyone survived. The clutter was a bit less like constant static.

And I know that I’m feeling this sense of encroachment on my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual space because I’ve allowed it all in. What’s more, it has begun to feel normal. If we can’t get it, know it, find out about it, or share it in sixty seconds or less these days, the medium feels slow. What. Has. Happened?

So I’m saying I’m making an effort to, slowly but surely, reduce this reality in my life. I so desperately want there to be more room in my days for quiet. For thinking. For deep relationship and genuine interaction, face to face. I have these things, yes–and I’m blessed by them. But I need more of them and less of the rushing, hurrying, scurrying, clamoring, striving, racing, crazy that life is becoming. I don’t want my children to know this pace of life as the norm. I truly don’t.

We’ve already turned off our T.V. A long time ago, really. It was a good step, and I don’t miss it at all. Just another portal into a world that eats up the world I’m trying to create here in this little blue house, and we don’t need it. So what’s next? Maybe more limited phone (browsing) time for yours truly, or a step away from FB again (forever, someday?), or a commitment to an entire hour of quiet somehow, daily?

Something. Because it’s all happening, and it’s true that a big part of me hates it. What’s more, I love and value so many of the things that busyness has replaced (writing letters, spending a whole day in the kitchen, drafting poetry, learning a new skill, swinging on a porch, really pressing in and not just praying, but truly listening for God–then giving Him room and time to speak). The only thing I really need to hurry about is the pace at which I pursue slowing down. I’m feeling really convicted and convinced of that.

As it turns out, this season of pregnancy is becoming more and more about self-reflection and introspection as I prepare my heart for what’s next. It seems I remember my last pregnancy doing something similar. It really is a beautiful phase of life for so many reasons. Eleven weeks (or so) left to savor and glean.

here. goes.

image credit to Ann Voskamp. love her.

January 6, 2012 by mollymadonna

across the pond.

I was talking with a friend this afternoon about an anniversary trip she’s planning with her husband for the Spring. Almost all talk of travel is delightful in my book, but this conversation tugged at my heart in a real and fresh way as I transported myself back to two places I know the celebratory couple will absolutely LOVE…Cape Town and Kruger National Park, South Africa.

Oh how I covet a teleportation device for these two, breathtaking and incredible places in the world. Jason and I spent our first anniversary in Cape Town and its surrounds, soaking up every last bit of the mountains and ocean, cityscapes and rolling winery hills. I’m all for new adventure, dreaming of new places anytime the possibility of travel comes up, but offer me a ticket to Cape Town and I’m headed back to the inspirational city in a heartbeat!

And Kruger National Park. In a word: otherworldly. There are only so many places on this planet where you can drive a few hours out of the city and suddenly lose yourself in the phenomenal reality of the wild as it exists in Kruger National Park. We took several retreat-like weekends to Kruger when we lived in Johannesburg, and it is one of my favorite places in the world. Kruger captured us so much that we had to come home and name our first dog after the place! Waking up early, early in the morning to hopefully catch a glimpse of a lion pride enjoying its hard work from the night before…starting out “on the hunt” for the elusive “Big Five” (lion, leopard, elephant, rhino and Cape buffalo) and spotting them all in a day’s drive…watching herds of zebra, antelope, wildebeest, elephant making their way across the landscape…taking a night drive to spot all that takes place after hours in the wild…camping within the park and reliving the day’s adventure over a South African braai…

I so miss the ways that we saw God daily in the raw, natural, creative beauty of the African continent. Our life, for now, is here in the U.S., but undoubtedly, we’ve left pieces of ourselves across the pond.

After thinking again today about all of my favorite experiences in SA, I couldn’t help but rifle through a few albums of photographs tonight to bring back even more memories. There are literally thousands upon thousands of photos from our time there–of the people, places and traditions we grew to love. A lot about living in Africa was difficult, sure, but when we look back, it’s hard not to stand in awe of what God allowed us to be a part of for that season of our lives.

A few of my favorite snapshots from Cape Town and Kruger:

relocated. if only for a moment,

August 18, 2011 by mollymadonna

a little bit sassy, a little bit rock ‘n’ roll.

Our little man is always up for an adventure, and his mama is, too–so a few weeks back we grabbed our packs and headed out for a day of travel, hard work and exploration into unknown territory. In other words…

A friend mentioned an open casting call for baby models in Grand Rapids and sent me the link, which was all I needed to entertain the possibility of taking Henry and seeing where the wind would blow us. Jason and I talked it over (this wasn’t exactly something we’d planned to do with our kids, let alone our three month old), and at the end of the day we decided that Henry and I could go. We also agreed that if anything about the experience felt strange, I’d turn the car right around and head back home sans modeling career for the little dude. Of course, a casting call is just a shot at a once-off job in most cases, and this was no different. Still, we joked about Henry’s future as a well-photographed babe, and figured that because he’s been in front of a camera since the second he was born (and really, before then), he’d be none too worse for the wear. Then off we went!

The Sassy Baby call was fun and lighthearted–just a bunch of young moms like yours truly and their cute kiddos, waiting semi-patiently for their turn to play with a few toys in front of the lens. Henry was 24th on the list, and after a good nap in the car, he was perfectly happy to stare at the photographer for a few short minutes, to collect his free toy, and to be bundled right back up again for the car ride home. We had a scintillating conversation on the way back (read: Henry made a noise, I mimicked it, and then we repeated that pattern for the next 40 minutes), and we both agreed that Mommy/Henry dates to Grand Rapids are quite a lot of fun. The weekend came and went, and on Monday, the phone rang…would Henry be available for a photo shoot on Wednesday in GR? Um, yes.

So Wednesday we were off to GR again, mommy and her little bug, just slightly nervous about feeding times and napping times and a smiley three month old and such. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t proud of the little rockstar. Thing is, he napped all the way there and woke up, bright-eyed, as soon as we arrived. And darn if he wasn’t the happiest, smiliest, easiest little baby the whole time as I signed waivers and changed him into his onesie “wardrobe.” When it was time for Henry to get in front of the camera, he was an absolute hoot to watch–smiling widely and hamming it up as if he knew what was going on all along. Surely, everyone working the shoot helped to eek every possible glint and giggle out of the babe for an hour. The end result? Hundreds of wonderfully bright and happy photos of my favorite bug and plenty of viable shots to use. Oh, and Henry’s chance to check “be photographed by Mitch Ranger by age one” off his bucket list. Why not? 😉

I couldn’t help but delight in H’s kissable face on screen as we went, and all in all, the experience was 100% enjoyable for both of us (as far as I can tell). To round out the afternoon, Henry went home with a few fun toys, new onesies and a hard hour’s work on the clock. Kudos to our little saver for contributing to his own college fund before even knowing what that means.

The day was truly one of my favorites with Henry to date. The chance to watch him interact with others, to see him light up over and over again at every new toy and face, and most especially, to be out with my boy doing something a little off the beaten path, crafted a handful of memories I won’t soon forget. I asked the Sassy Baby team if we might be able to snag a few of the pics, and they were kind enough to send some through the other day. There were so many more that I absolutely loved, but it’s reasonable to expect that I can’t just have them all at my fingertips. Hopefully, we’ll see a few crop up on the website or in other places in the days ahead (wouldn’t that be fun?)! In the meantime, here’s a smattering of happy moments from our Sassy afternoon together. Loved the day. Love the photos. Love my bug.