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In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning. (76)

Little one,

I remember so clearly how I used to rock your oldest brother near the dormer window in our old house in the summertime. The birds were waking up, long before the rest of the world, and I’d imagine all of the other mamas in other places, nursing and rocking their babies to sleep at the same time, too. There was something sacred enough about that space that it’s still perfectly fresh in my memory a decade later. And I’m thinking about it now because it’s late and the hour feels small, and because I eagerly await the early mornings when I’ll have the chance to nurse and rock you back to sleep in just the same way.

So many things change over time, and so many things stay the same. Your brother is now ten and almost as tall as I am–if I tried to rock him in the rocker these days he’d laugh and probably fall out of my lap for lack of space (if he let me try it at all). Back then he depended on me for everything he needed, and these days he makes his own breakfast and lunch and cuddles up next to me on the couch so we can finish long stories in books he then pours over on his own. He’s becoming independent, which is right and good, but his reliance on me in those first months or years of life was so right and good, too. I have great hope to recreate those kinds of memories afresh with you.

It’s been almost five years now since I had a newborn to tend to in the middle of the night, and even though I remember it plain as day, it feels like it’s been a very long time. I’m a decade older (and maybe wiser?), but in a sense it’s like we’re beginning again in this phase of pregnancy, with the newborn stage on the horizon. Having you and your siblings spread so widely in age is becoming an unexpected gift in and of itself. I can’t wait to see your growth and development through their eyes. I can’t wait to watch them get to know you and love you in their own ways. Seeing them now as they look at other babies…there’s just something really beautiful about the anticipation of it for everyone here.

We’re so eager to meet you, honeybee. And while that day still feels far away, this countdown to you is diminishing quickly, too. Before then, we’ll keep praying over you and making space for you here. You are already so much a part of this family and who we are, and it’s just one of the sweetest parts of this whole miracle to get to watch your siblings witness it, too.

Love you so, sweet babe.

Mama

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A Prayer for Summertime. (77)

God, you are so good to us. You’ve brought us through a very tough year and sustained us when we didn’t know what exactly we needed or what would come next. You faithfully carried us in moments of fear, weakness, uncertainty and doubt, and you offered grace abundantly in so many situations we were navigating for the first time.

Now, summer is upon us–what a glorious feeling! The kids have all come through an anything-but-ordinary school year, we’ve hung up backpacks and put away school supplies, and we’re gearing up for days of swimming and fishing and growth and sunshine. It all feels so hopeful, and everything that we experience as encouragement is something you’ve offered to us freely out of the overflow of your tenderness towards us, your generosity to us.

There has been a lot of loss this past year, and now finally feels like a time when we can look forward and not back…when we can more tangibly process what we’ve felt and move into a season of joyful expectation. Would you please help us to move through the areas of hurt, pain or disappointment we feel and into a space of greater freedom and peace? Father, in your mercy, you protect and defend us against the enemy, against harm. Please send your angels of covering and protection over our families–and especially our children–as we embark on summertime adventures and fill our days with physical activity.

Lord, summer is always a gift here as we’re relieved of colder, grayer days, layers and closed up homes. Would you help us to embrace the warmer weather, to be joyful about high temperatures or hot sunshine or extra daylight and to be restored amidst fresh air and outdoor living? Please help us to be good neighbors and friends, to extend ourselves to others as we’re able and to remember those who might need extra encouragement in this season. Please allow us to be your hands and feet, and to model this for our children as well.

God, we are thankful. We’re thankful for a break from routine, for more family time together, for long days and beach sunsets, picnics and ice cream stops, baseball and gardens. We’re thankful that everything feels more alive and colorful, that our territory expands greatly as we can enjoy being outside, that we can soak up Vitamin D and care for our bodies well, and that we can enjoy locally grown produce at the ready. Summertime is so full of good things!

Heading to bed tonight, we are eager to see what you’ll do and how you’ll move in the weeks ahead. No matter where we go, we trust that you are already there, making a pathway for those who love you and pursuing those who may not know you yet. Please help us to be your hands and feet in this world that so desperately needs the kind of hope and covering only you can provide.

Amen!

MM

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Kick Counts. (81)

Little one,

We’ve had a day, you and I. Maybe I overdid it this weekend (someday you can ask me if I’m still struggling with being still), but there have been a lot of strange moments for us physically today. I suppose there’s no great need to go into the details here. I did end up calling the on-call doctor tonight, and since you’re back to moving around a bit better (good thing this isn’t my first rodeo and I’m familiar with the tricks of the trade), my instructions are to take it easy or take a nap, to get a good night’s rest and to keep monitoring your movement. That’s usually not an issue with you, sweet one.

I hope you’re just taking it easy in there after a few busy days. If anything can make me take pause, it’s knowing that I need to rest for your sake sometimes. And I am praying over you always and asking God to protect you and keep you healthy and strong. I know that’s the very best thing I can do (besides slow down). Someday I’ll teach you about prayer and what it means and why it’s so powerfully important. Besides those roundhouse kicks of yours, prayer will be your greatest defense in this life. It might even be your superpower if you let it. 😉

I love you with my whole heart, just as I do your brothers and sister. There’s nothing I won’t do for you, so you can stay tucked inside and happy for awhile longer knowing that I’ve got your best interest at heart from here, ok?

Rest well tonight, sweet baby. You are one of my greatest joys.

MM

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Ten Joyful Things. (84)

I just love this time of year. With the sun shining and the temps warming up, there’s a lot to be upbeat about. Here’s a list of ten things (in no particular order) that are currently bringing me joy:

  1. Greenhouse visits. Who doesn’t love a sprawling greenhouse in the springtime? Buying new flowers to plant/pot/hang always makes me so happy. I love picking out a blend of new varieties I haven’t tried and standbys that feel like old friends.
  2. Iced lattes and hot tea. On cool mornings, a cup of tea is still my favorite, but now that I’m in my third trimester (and after no coffee of any kind for a loooooong time), I’ve allowed myself a few iced decaf oat milk lattes and they’ve been such a treat!
  3. Books on Kindle. Jason can finally say “I told you so,” here. I resisted the Kindle for the longest time in favor of hard copies of books. I’ll still always prefer the hard copy, but I have to admit that having a book on my Kindle means I read more often. Here’s to actually finishing books in 2021.
  4. Open windows. Goodness, it feels amazing to have the house open and a fresh breeze blowing through!
  5. Hearing our kiddos laugh. We watched a movie together tonight and H appreciated so many funny parts. C laughs at the drop of a hat and then makes himself laugh some more, and E’s laugh is completely contagious. Joyful noise is the very best kind.
  6. Church. Soaking in worship and teaching on Sunday mornings has been a lifeline for a long time, but I crave it especially these days. Having our kids sit with us is really a gift to my heart. It’s not always perfect, but interacting together in the pew each Sunday matters to me. I hope they’ll always think of church together as a family priority and value.
  7. Watching H play baseball. It just feels so right to be at ball games at this time of year, and watching H learn new aspects of the game makes my baseball-loving self awfully happy. As long as he enjoys it, I will, too.
  8. Seeing people’s faces. Wow, it just feels like way too long since being face to face with others was a regular occurrence. I think it’s been healing for all of our hearts to see smiles again. We’re just not wired to miss out on facial expressions and to have our minds working overtime to read eyes and eyebrows and figure out who’s who. For our kids especially, this feels so important.
  9. Having a food craving or clear appetite. My food tendencies have been so strange this pregnancy, and I rarely know what, if anything, sounds good to eat. When I have a specific craving or my appetite perks up, it’s so much easier (and more enjoyable) to prepare and eat food. I can’t say there’s one food I’ve wanted consistently throughout the past seven months–the only consistent thing has been that nothing sounds amazing. Being matter of fact about food is totally ok, but it’s really nice to be excited about it every once in a while.
  10. Organizing all the things. It seems like we have far to go before I’ll feel “ready” for baby and fully nested (is that even a thing?), but in general, my heavy inclination to nest and settle in these days means I’m always trying to tackle a different project. Checking things off of my list is so gratifying, and having the energy to accomplish something I’ve wanted to do for a while feels amazing. I don’t always have the energy for things beyond the daily necessities, but when I do, it’s so encouraging.

I feel like I could go on with more things tonight, but having ten to write about is pretty beautiful, too. I’m so appreciating this long weekend and the chance to enjoy many of the above…it’s truly a gift to be alive!

MM

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The Good Things in Life. (85)

I cried today saying goodbye to C’s three-school teachers. I might cry at more things than normal these days, but my tears weren’t pregnancy hormones talking. They were tears because in a year when so much hasn’t been normal, C’s school days were outdoors, mask-free, consistent, un-quarantined and really just beautiful. I have come to know and love the three amazing ladies who made every day of school special for him. Their attention to detail, their care for his heart and their love of nature made for so many adventures to share and memories to keep.

C was known in school. Not for some kind of reputation, but because of the intentionality of his environment and the hands that cared for him every day. Watching his confidence grow as he tackled new challenges, seeing his face light up when teachers greeted him each morning, hearing him retell about the new animal or seed or nest they’d discovered on daily hikes…it all added up to something that fed his soul this year. As his mama, it fed mine, too.

When I look back on the fall of last year, getting our feet wet with outdoor learning in the midst of a season where school in-person seemed in question most of the time for schools everywhere, I think about how healthy and normal it felt to have interactions with C’s teachers three mornings a week. Real people, face to face. We were all trudging through unknowns with our kiddos, whether for their first time in school or their senior year. Nothing felt (or was) a guarantee. I remember the camaraderie that came so quickly as we relished time to connect in person, everyone needing that interaction to feel sane.

As this experience for C and our family has come to a close, I’m filled with gratitude for what it was and for what we carry forward with us into what’s next. When I asked C’s teacher today why this all made me cry, she replied with tears of her own, “I think it’s because when you know to recognize the good things in life, you see how good they really were…and all that God did in it…It was just so good.”

It’s really true. There were things covered and protected this year that we couldn’t have imagined before God showed up. There were so many details that came together for this outdoor program to open–and so clearly in timing that wasn’t ours, but His. There were people in place with giant hearts who loved our kiddos with abandon, through months and months of cold winter outside, through gear changes and weather-dependent layers and snack time logistics and so many days of little ones learning how to summon their strength to power through the elements. One of the first verses C’s class learned together this year was “I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.” The number of times I’ve heard him say that since are too many to count, and he believes it and knows it to be true because of the energy and love poured into him by others. What a gift!

I cried today because the good things in life aren’t things at all–they’re tiny deposits that add up to something so good, it’s hard to bid farewell to them. And I cried today because three-school was a place that felt normal all year in a world where little else has felt normal, and that was so, so valuable to our family. No matter where C ends up, I know he’ll remember parts of this school year and how they made him feel. I know we’ll see things in him for a long time to come that grew up out of his days outdoors with teachers and friends. I know he is stronger, more resilient, more worshipful and more confident because of this past year and every step out of his comfort zone and into something new. The good things in life are abundant.

As they say in outdoor school, “Bye, bye, butterfly. Can’t stay, bluejay. Gotta scoot, little newt! Hit the road, silly toad! Take care, black bear. See you soon, raccoon!”

MM