- The boys get to sleep in their new room for the first time tonight–exciting for all!
- Our household has more books that we know what to do with, which is a great gift and also a little bit of a conundrum. Between us we have so many mixed interests and age groups and favorites.
- Weekly trips to drop off book and toy donations are a staple these days.
- The kids make excellent helpers and runners when they’re motivated by their own progress–beautiful!
- This week the plants outside need soooo much water.
- We all went out for Mexican food tonight for dinner and the baby has a lot to say about it.
- Divide and conquer trips to Meijer and Menards make for interesting after-dinner events.
- Thirty three weeks along, contractions spice up moments throughout the day, every day.
- Today would have been Gramma’s 91st birthday and I never stop thinking about her. I miss her always, but especially on days like today.
- Fireworks are getting set up around the lake…Happy (almost) 4th, everyone!
Livin’ on a Prayer. (50)
If I haven’t titled post #50 in a 100 day countdown, “Livin’ on a Prayer” before now, I’m really not sure why. That seems like low hanging fruit, right? It’s so accurate for where things are right now on multiple levels. I don’t know for fact that I’m halfway through the last 100 days to baby, but if I were a betting pregnant woman…
I decided this week that I’m reclaiming summer after a slow start out the gate for our crew. Today is July 1st (would be my grandparents 71st anniversary, today, FWIW), and the start of July plus 50 or so days to baby feels like the right time to be celebratory and intentional and to put a stake in the ground. Summer, commence! I want to do all of the summertime things we can possibly enjoy without driving ourselves to the brink of exhaustion or turning it into a to-do list instead of a fun pursuit.
This morning, we got up and took ourselves to the beach about a half hour away. I knew a rocky beach would add extra entertainment vs. the sandy beaches we usually frequent, and my instinct proved profitable. Between the gazillion rocks to stack, carry, build with, move, and collect, the awesome tide pools left by days of rain and water filling in from the lake, and the family of similarly-aged kiddos who built dams and channel systems with our crew, we had a solid two hours of whine-free playtime in my happiest place. It was windy, but the sun was shining and the sky was blue, I managed to read a few chapters of a fiction book due back soon to the library, and it FELT LIKE SUMMER, Amen! We all needed it. We’ll need more of it. And we’re going after it. 50 days or so to live life to the full with our three while this baby swims around tucked inside…it’ll be balm to all of our souls if we can sprinkle these kinds of memories throughout the next number of weeks. You can bet we’ll try!
If I didn’t feel so compelled to make it count, I know we could spend the entire summer this way: sleep-in mornings for the kids, stacks of books piling up in the living room–blankets and pillows and cozy straight on through lunchtime, and me wandering around the house trying to make progress on a million little things I could just go crazy over until it’s too late to tackle any of them any more. The sun would shine and the days would be the temperature we all dream about the whole rest of the year, and we’d miss it all as it went by outside the front door. I’m all about some cozy, sleep-in mornings in summertime, but the reward is pretty great for pursuing the mini-adventure, too. This week, I’m so grateful for three days so far of getting up and out and onto something a bit distanced from home. We’ve all benefitted from the change of scenery and the re-discovery that there’s a world out there waiting for us to soak it in. And while I’m experiencing some kind of second wind wave of energy this pregnancy that I didn’t really expect would come, you can bet I want to capitalize on the gift that it is to be out living life with our kiddos. Grace, really. It’s all grace. And I’m beyond thankful for it and feeling healthier because of it.
Here’s to “half way there” and all of the prayers it takes to keep moving forward. The joy of the Lord really is our strength!
MM
Growth Days. (51)
There are days when I feel I’ve grown more than others, and today was one of those days. I don’t mean that my belly feels bigger, but that a number of things happened today from a spiritual/mental/emotional standpoint that feel like good strides. I always love this, and I try to fully embrace it, because it’s not an every day thing and not something I want to miss noticing. It’s more an acknowledgement of my gratitude for it that I want to articulate…I just feel better when I’m making progress on the things that matter, and I recognize that this isn’t of my own doing, but rather something that requires my participation. We have to be willing to accept it in order to grow in certain areas, right?
When I think about my garden plot in life, I want to till rich soil that’s good for planting. I want to clear out weeds and be a hospitable environment for seeds to take root. I want to retain moisture and be open to sunshine and to cultivate progress that bears fruit. We know that this is daily work, and sometimes I get out to tend the garden more responsibly, while other days I might ignore it or simply not find time to address it in the midst of life’s details. That said, I never want to abandon the work that’s already done. Nurturing what’s growing really matters to me–in every area of life.
Today, I had an hour to spend with someone in self-reflection. It was cathartic and clarifying and helpful. Later, I sat with another friend just sharing about life and catching up on things, which is always good for reviewing what’s happening around me (and how I’m feeling about it). I had a good bit of time in the car and plugged into a podcast that built on things I’d shared with others earlier in the day. This felt awfully intentional and timely on God’s part, and it was also kind. I needed some clarity on a few things, and the events of the day allowed room for processing and leaning into where He has me right now. It was the encouraging space I needed after a day of soul searching and getting really real with myself about some feelings yesterday. I feel like it all just piggy backs in a way that helps me to see God’s hand in growing and stretching me right now. I am so grateful for that grace. He doesn’t have to show me, but in answered prayers, He demonstrates His attention to detail and also His knowing how much those details matter to me.
I don’t know what the day holds tomorrow. It doesn’t necessarily matter. I’d love for it to be a great and encouraging day, and I’d love the chance to keep building on what God did in my heart today. I know I’m not promised that. But I’m hopeful that this self-reflecting can keep coming. In a space when I feel so attuned to the world around me, I want to be soaking up all of the helpful parts and using them to be the fullest and most authentic version of myself that I can. I need God’s help with that, and He has already given the go-ahead on pursuing it, so I’m feeling ready to dig in.
Tomorrow is the halfway point through this exercise of documenting the last 100-ish days of baby’s journey here. I can hardly believe it, and you’d better believe I want to savor these and the remainder for all they’re worth. There’s too much good in the process to fall asleep on it in this season. Would you please continue to pray that I remain open and available to all God wants to do through this growing phase? And that He would continue to cover and keep this baby safe and well, and mama alongside? In the pursuit of what is good, and in the celebration of life, I know the the enemy wouldn’t have things this way. The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is needed and invited here, so that God has room to do all that He’ll do.
Humbled and grateful, daily.
MM
I’ve Got a Feeling. (52)
Do you ever walk through a moment or experience and feel like you’re attuned to every little thing? As if all of the details were right in front of you and you could reach out and grasp every element of what’s happening? I’m taking a shot at describing the heightened sense of awareness I feel in just about every way lately, though I probably can’t make total sense of it in words.
I can’t decide if this is just some new level of pregnant mama spider sense, but I don’t remember feeling exactly this way ever before. My sense of wonder is like nothing I’ve experienced. I’m in awe over every detail of creation–every flower, every sky, every little bird in the yard. The rain. A new bug. Our children at every turn. I can’t take enough pictures. Everything about this growing belly amazes me, and I find myself wanting to remember every second of sweetness that happens in a day.
I feel oddly discerning about textures, colors, lighting, sound. I fixate on things that wouldn’t have gotten my attention before, to the detriment of other things that could probably really use it. Nesting is in full force, and it has been…for ages. I kind of remember that being a phase before, but this time around, it feels like it’s been my entire pregnancy. I want things settled. I anticipate tasks I’d like to accomplish long before their deadline. (Except writing here, which I feel married to tackling in real time each day.) A caveat of all of this is that I can see and know how I want something to be or to turn out, but I can’t muster enough time or energy to make it all happen to meet my vision. This season has been a lesson in expectation management over and over. Revisions feel necessary just about every five minutes.
On the flip side of my heightened sensitivity to aesthetics, sound (especially sound), order and creation, I have little appetite for any specific foods and a more limited capacity to manage frustrations (or maybe more accurately, pet peeves). When everyone is talking all at once, there’s clutter from little ones in any (every!) space, someone in the lane next to me is driving down the road looking at their phone, people are chewing ice in the same room or another day has gone by without me tackling a task that’s weighing heavily on my mind, I struggle not to speak up (or at least not to feel a little bit of a skin crawl as I try to push feelings back down). My kiddos know this full well and they could attest. I have so much more bandwidth for awe and beauty these days–something we celebrate together daily. I also have so much less capacity for irritations (please, please stop leaving your things under the couch!) and I know H, E and C are feeling that just as much.
I wish I knew what to do with all of the feelings. I’m sure someone on the outside looking in could easily just chalk it all up to hormones, and maybe that’s right. But this feels more nuanced than that. In a way, it’s like a pregnancy super power on some levels and a real challenge on others. I’m kind of curious to see whether it ebbs and flows as I get nearer to the end of carrying this babe, if it’s exclusive to this pregnancy, or if it’s something I’ll carry with me into this new phase of motherhood with four littles at home. I want to make the best of it, which requires some silver lining focus and honing in on all of the beauty while also intentionally tempering my frustrations. Whether I can do both with some success in these next few weeks remains to be seen, but I’ll surely try.
Even though we’ve been down this road before, this time around continually feels like new territory–always showing, always teaching, always inviting me into new spaces of reliance, dependence and trust. I hope I can honor the process while I’m in it and long after.
MM
What 32 Weeks Feels Like This Time. (56)
Hope. 32 weeks feels like a breath of fresh air, a sense of encouragement and a gift of renewed strength for this journey towards baby. There might be eight weeks to go on the calendar, but my heart and instinct tell me that our little one will be here sooner than eight weeks from now. The mere possibility of that is hope overflowing today.
I had my 32 week appointment today and an ultrasound afterwards to check on one concern, which has resolved. I wasn’t actually worried about this particular detail, as it’s something I’ve experienced and seen resolved with our previous babies as well. Still, it was a huge benefit to my heart today to see baby again, moving and full of life and actually even looking content on the monitor. I might not have noticed that so readily, but J and the ultrasound tech both noticed it, too. This little one has grown so much since our last scan twelve weeks ago. I know that’s an obvious statement, but to see how much they’ve changed is just wildly fascinating and amazing to me.
We still don’t know baby’s gender, thanks to the steadfast encouragement from J and our tech to stick to my convictions about waiting. Goodness, I’ve never been more curious than I am this time around, and I couldn’t even tell you why. I think I’ve just had a stronger sense earlier on with the others, and this little one has remained more of a mystery to me. Today though, seeing their eyes open and blink, watching them wiggle and move every which way, noticing even more of the details of their hands and feet and face…it was more than manna for this mama’s soul.
The day settled itself out today with low key plans and commitments. The chance to connect with another friend this afternoon was an extra blessing, and being home on a rainy Friday afternoon and evening filled something I’m craving right now. J and I had the chance to grab a quick brunch after my ultrasound this morning, and spending time talking over possible boy and girl names and who this baby might be was right where I needed to land after seeing more of our honeybee at our scan. I think I’ve fought back the belief for so long that these days might never come, and the relief and joy in getting to each milestone is big.
Every time I set down another weighty lie in this process, I balance the feelings of release and shame at the same time. How grateful I am to set another weight down, and how badly I feel that I’ve not trusted and believed even more. This is such a real human struggle, I think. And yet I know that God doesn’t look down on me for my unbelief–instead I’m humbled by the awareness that He celebrates my release. That, and He offers more of it and wants more of it for me all of the time.
Today, I’m experiencing freedom. Freedom from some worries sure, but mostly, freedom to be joyful in all God has done in this story up to now. This wee person in my belly is a marvelous, miraculous soul who also happens to have limbs and features and squish in all the right places. I could pinch myself. I can’t comprehend all of this process, even when we’ve been through it before. I’m just so, so grateful and wildly humbled to get to do this again. My heart is so filled with love for this little one, and I can’t wait (but I can wait) to put that love into practice out here in the world.
And counting…
MM
