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ten things i’m picking up, and what i’m putting down. (46)

I cracked open Jen Hatmaker’s For the Love on the plane home today. It’s been sitting on the shelf for a long while. So often, the words I need to read wait patiently for me. One chapter in, I already felt compelled to make notes and to pray—you have to love a book that moves you within its first pages.

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Having space on the plane to read, write, think and pray was a gift. It’s a rare day that these things find space in the middle of an afternoon, but this was Monday’s grace to me. Prompted by chapter one, I asked God to show me what this season requires of me right now. I grabbed my journal to make notes, and the list just poured out.

Maybe as I process through this new list and discern how to order my days–hoping to accommodate what’s really most important for me to be about, something will spark a flame with you, too. Why the list, and why narrow down the core things that deserve my attention right now? Because we can’t do it all, and some of the things we try to accomplish are beyond our scope.

Jen is right: Social media allows us to see the best of everyone’s talents and successful attempts in life every day. Not only do avenues like Instagram and Facebook make this possible, but they magnify successes in all areas of life–some friends are cooking extravagant, organic meals every day, some are juggling six extracurricular activities per child, some are rocking full time jobs while mothering, too. In turn, the reminder that our friends and connections can do x or y or z with finesse magnifies within us the unceasing sense that we are not keeping up or doing enough.

The fact of the matter is, your gifts are yours, and mine are mine. Your loves and passions are yours, and mine are my own. If I try to do everything you do with gusto and success, I’m missing the boat. I’ve got to do what I do best and what gives me energy.

You do you, and I’ll do me. I think we all, almost always, need this reminder.

Here are the things I sensed God calling me to be about for this season, and not in a particular order. They’re all important. Surely the list will change over time, but this is where I am in the here and now and what makes sense for me…I need to prioritize:

  1. Trusting God. To spend time in prayer and quiet so I’m poised to hear what He has to say and to believe it for my life, family, pregnancy and baby’s upcoming birth.
  2. Resting. I am not my best self when I’m not well rested. Especially right now, I need to carve out extra time to be still, and to sleep (while the sleeping is good 😉 ).
  3. Loving my people well. Primarily, this means Jason, Henry, Eloise and baby. I need to get this right first, before I pour out attention to anyone else. When I’m not loving well at home, guilt sneaks into my life everywhere.
  4. Making time for self-care (beyond physical rest). This upcoming chapter will be so focused on the well-being and care of a new life. I can’t sustain another person if I’m not intentional about refueling emotionally and spiritually myself.
  5. Making lists and clearing my head, and then setting priorities rationally.
  6. Caring for the physical needs of my body and this baby leading up to delivery, and spending the time necessary to prepare for the birth I envision.
  7. Connecting with Jason intentionally–scheduling dates away from the house and listening well. Talking about our priorities as a couple and family, and making plans together with intention.
  8. Creating space for quality time with each of our kiddos pre-baby. One-on-one dates, adventures out as a family, thoughtful time spent at home.
  9. Making a space that feels welcoming, calm and cozy for baby. Continuing to clear out clutter from other areas of our home and life.
  10. Continuing to write. Documenting this journey is important to me, and writing is deeply foundational to who I am. It moves me forward and sharpens my mind.

Other to dos that matter to me before baby are separate at this point. This list is a “Top Ten” of things that will set the tone for everything else I do. To have room for the to dos, numbers 1-10 on this list have to come first.

I likely have six weeks or so to build better habits and a stronger foundation around these goals. Do I feel like it’s a lot to consider? Yes. But improving in any one of these areas will make me better in every other.

I have to lay down some things, like:

-The guilt I carry when I’m not spending hours in the kitchen preparing beautiful meals. These days, the simple (and simply healthy) ones will be better for everyone in our household. I’m not a happy mama when I’m stressing out about food for our family.

-Managing housework my body doesn’t really facilitate right now. Washing floors and cleaning out the shower in the bathroom come to mind.

-Exercise. Taking walks and keeping up with kids–with some stretching mixed in when I can, will have to do. This baby does not like it when I overdo it, and lately, that doesn’t take a whole lot.

-Throwing Pinterest-y birthday parties. Eloise turns three this weekend, and while I plan to celebrate her with gusto, her party will be simple. Simple is best for all of us right now.

-Feeling guilty about quieter days at home. This is super hard for me. I love to be out and about, and I love to adventure with our family. It’s summer, and I want to make the most of all of this great weather and the longer days. But the heat is hard, and I’m the crankiest when we’ve pushed too far. Simple rules the roost right now. Even if it’s a summer day and gorgeous, I’ve got to let go of being outside all day and showing up for every event.

Whew. This feels like a lot to think about. Really, it’s tangible. I just need to remember to choose what gives life and brings joy into our home and family, and to put down the rest. It isn’t that I don’t want to juggle more plates, it’s that I realistically can’t. No need to let the high priorities suffer for the sake of so many things I’m not being called to right now.

Thanks for slowing me down, little bean. You are so good for me and for my heart. And thank you, Jen Hatmaker, for bringing it in a powerful way. For the Love sat on the shelf for the exact right length of time.

learning to grow more thoughtfully on this journey,

mm

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a thirty year friendship and counting. (74)

As of today, my sister and I have four kiddos between us, and two on the way. They are currently five, turning four, turning three and turning two. Bridget is due with the fifth babe this week, and our little bean is due in ten more. This is the first time we’ve walked through our pregnancies together.

It’s a beautiful season of life to wade through with someone you love. This time around is unique for both of us in different ways, but to welcome our third babies so closely together is a joy I’m glad we didn’t miss. We have spent months now relating, sharing, commiserating and celebrating our pregnancies and our babies and nieces or nephews to come. I’m so thankful.

Bridget lives a long way away, and we’ve both worked hard to be intentional about connecting from afar. FaceTime is an amazing gift, allowing us to visit and chat almost weekly (sometimes more) with the kiddos around to connect with each other, too. We do our best to schedule visits to see each other whenever possible, which winds up being 3-4 times a year at this stage of our lives. And although it would be sweet to walk down the road and knock on her door in the day to day, I don’t feel disconnected at this distance–we love each other and one another’s families as best we can with the space between us. Our kiddos know each other remarkably well considering the divide, which says to me that we’re doing a reasonable job of keeping everyone connected.

I love and look forward to our face-to-face visits, but I value our late night phone calls and midday FaceTime chats just as much. The quality of our relationship is directly proportionate to the intentions we set to stay well-connected. She knows I’m always here, and I know she’s always there, and the sweet random texts and fun photos of the kids we exchange regularly keep the friendship of our sisterhood alive when life doesn’t permit longer conversations.

Today is Bridget’s birthday, and as she turns the corner on a new decade and prepares to enter into a new stage of life with three littles in tow, I’m celebrating all of the things that she and her family mean to me and mine. As we wait for our wee ones to enter the world, it’s so fun to share in the surprise of unknown genders and unknown birth dates and all that these little babies will add to the dynamics of our lives.

I’m also celebrating my longest standing friendship as it reaches the thirty year mark today. We were buddies from the start, and in spite of having our differences as sisters growing up, we’ve always remained friends. There is a sweetness to our relationship now that is no doubt the result of many years of seasoning and growth, both together and on our own. Bridget is a beautiful woman with a beautiful family. I love the ways that our maturing and adapting into roles as wives and mothers has drawn us closer, and I can’t wait to keep celebrating all of the good and laughing at all of the crazy with her in these next weeks and in the many years to come.

IMG_4825 (1)Happy Birthday, Sister! Happy Birthday, Auntie B! We love you and are so thankful God saw fit for us to do life together. You are one amazing woman!

XOXO,

mm

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baby, you’re a firework. (88)

Dear Baby,

Almost 28 weeks along on this journey with you, you continue to be a complete mystery. I want so much to know you, but I can’t get a feel for who you’re going to be just yet. By now, I thought for sure I’d have a good guess at your gender…thought I’d have some sense of the little personality growing inside of me. I’m so excited to discover who God has been crafting since the year began!

Today is the 4th of July, a holiday we celebrate every year because of the freedoms we enjoy as citizens of the U.S.A. This year’s 4th falls on a Monday, which means people everywhere around us have been celebrating all weekend long. Every night when the sun goes down, a crazy run of lights and noises begin outside. They’re called fireworks, and they’re explosions of fire that create colored sparks or sound or both. They’re beautiful, really, but surprising if you’re not ready for them. They create an awesome spectacle in the sky, and they take some getting used to at first.

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To embrace fireworks, you really have to be a little adventurous and up for anything. Even with the ones you think you know, you can’t take a firework for granted. Some come with plot twists and special effects, some make a grand entrance, and some you don’t see coming at all. I like to think you’re a little bit of a firework in your own right, sweet babe.

Some people hate waiting on the mystery of a baby’s gender, but I kind of thrive on it. As is the case, we don’t even know whether you’re a boy or a girl, let alone who you will become. I also didn’t know to expect that you’d have such a personality in utero at this point in the game, but you are everywhere. I can’t decide if you’re head down, buns up, still flip flopping, transverse…you keep me guessing all of the time.

Today, I worked on a fairly low key project here at home (just trying to chip away at the things we’d like done before your arrival, one step at a time). I was up and down a tiny step ladder, reaching and moving things here and there, but nothing too strenuous. You surprised me there, too, because I suddenly started to feel like I’d overdone it, and I needed to rest. Three hours of on and off contractions later, I’m thinking, “Whoa, baby. Let’s not get too excited here just yet, shall we? 28 weeks is no time for these kinds of shenanigans, ok?”

Like a firework, you are surely going to brighten things up around here, just as your brother and sister before you. Also like fireworks, I kind of enjoy knowing a little of what to expect before they burst forth into the air, so maybe stay put for at least another ten weeks or so? I’m so curious what the Dr has to say about you this week. Every little insight into who you are is like a neighborhood fireworks display–a tiny appetizer in prep for the main and spectacular event.

watching fireworks on your first 4th of july.

watching fireworks on your first 4th of july.

July has arrived now, so you will be on your way before we know it. Still, there’s something to be said for fireworks on special occasions and not as a daily occurrence, so I’m good with keeping those contractions at bay and you making your glorious entrance after we’ve anticipated you a while longer.

When you get here, you’ll no doubt light up the sky and turn an ordinary day into a holiday. If we could, we’d mark our calendars, but instead, we’ll just wait with anticipation for the day you choose. In the meantime, I’m going to attempt a number of tiny projects around the house. Feel free to keep calm and be carried on.

love,

your mama

 

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sweet gramma lady. (89)

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” -Flavia Weedn

July 3rd just can’t come and go on any year without thoughts of one of my favorite people in the world. Today would have been Gramma Donna’s 86th birthday, and I selfishly wish we could have celebrated it together.

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Celebrating Gramma’s 75th birthday, 11 years ago.

I’ve thought a lot lately about how my days and plans might be different if Gramma were still with us–trips to Chicago to visit with the kiddos, phone calls at rest time in the afternoon so Henry could say hello and Gramma and I could catch up a while. When I drive somewhere at a distance, I miss being able to dial her number, still able to hear her “Hello?” on the other end of the line.

It’s hard for me that these babies of ours will never know her. Henry knows of her, surely, and he’s seen photos of himself with her from when he was very small. But Eloise? She and the baby I’m growing now will never know the lady who could get right to the very closest parts of my heart, and I hate that. I really do. As much as Gramma was one of my best friends my whole life, she was amazing with babies, and I would have loved for her to snuggle ours for so much longer.

We are fortunate to have had so many years with the beauty who ushered our family through everything with grace. She was the hostess with the mostest, whether we gathered as a whole family, or even if it was just me walking through the door. She loved Jason. She treasured Henry for the time she had. I’m so thankful she could know my boys and that I could share that part of my life with her. But there are so many good bits that we’ve had to leave out…

I am a different wife, mother and friend than I was the day that Gramma died. A lot has changed. I hope that she would know me now and be proud of the woman I’m growing into–I still run things through a WWGT (what would Gramma think) filter often, which just means to me that she was every bit as special to my heart as she seemed for all of those years.

Gramma pops up in places from time to time and I don’t mind a bit: A DVD from my Hope chest that Henry found not long ago, recording Christmas from when I was six and Gramma was wearing my favorite blouse and polyester pants. Even then, I was snuggled close to her on the couch whenever I had the chance. She just knew me and she knew my heart, and I think I sensed that way deep down from when I was very small. A gold chain, strung around my neck every single day. Eloise asked last week if I ever take it off, but I don’t. I like it there, where a little part of Gramma still feels close and tangible. Towels in the linen closet, some still unfolded, from her closet at home. They still smell like her and look like her, memories of sleepovers at her house and baths in the pink bathtub when I was young still trailing along with them.

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Soaking up every word, circa 1985. I was three.

Everything about Gramma was pure to me. My earliest memories have her in them. My greatest moments growing up do, too. Birthdays, musicals, school events, holidays, award ceremonies, recitals. She’d not miss a one.

There is so much to be said for having had someone in my life who was like a parent to me, but removed from a parental role. In that way, she could always be my confidant, a home away from home, a soft place to land. Today on her birthday and on so many other days, too, I miss her deeply, with an ache and a void that only the hope of Heaven can fill. Time does soften the space left behind, it’s true. But nothing can quite fill it. My heart tells me that’s a good thing; she was one of a kind in my life. Still, I hated losing her, and I hate that she’s gone. It really won’t ever be the same.

For all of the good and the joy and the parts of me she represents, I am thankful and changed. And I couldn’t ask for anything more than that from all those years of loving someone so wonderfully good.

Happy Birthday, sweet Gramma lady,

molly madonna

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four for four. (91)

There’s nothing much sweeter to me than family time, and “weekend time” as our kiddos call it is celebrated every single Friday in the little blue house. From the time Henry could understand that there were weekdays and weekend days, we’ve been doing a little happy dance together come 5pm on Fridays. Some weeks the kids have countdowns (I think I do every week 😉 ). Even when (and maybe especially when) we don’t have big things planned, days together as a family are just better than ones when we’re apart.

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As the 4th of July falls on a Monday this year, we’re joining the rest of America in being grateful for our freedom, while also grateful for a three day weekend. Jason decided to take today off as well, and it’s felt like Saturday all day long. I love it more than I can say–and definitely more so being this pregnant, because tomorrow when we wake up it’ll feel like Saturday all over again. Four days together in a row is nearly family vacation territory. Yes!!!

We’ve got quite the line up this weekend, and it feels good despite it also looking a bit like a to do or baby prep list. We made a family trip to Lowe’s this morning for cans of paint (look out, living room walls!) and we’re planning on things like cleaning out the garage and prepping for a mega garage sale. I’ve got baby bins to wade through while the kids clear out books and toys that someone else should get to love. And of course there’s the usual suspects: lawn cutting and laundry, probably groceries and some vacuuming and cleaning here and there. But smattered throughout the next few days? The farmer’s market, family pool time, reading the stacks of books we brought home from the library today, grilling, writing, biking, and a trip to the beach. It feels like there might actually be room for all of the joys and responsibilities of the weekend that can’t always fit into just two days.

These are not privileges we should ever take for granted, and we know it. Still, celebrating our freedoms by being free together as a family feels like a pretty amazing gift, and we’re going to appreciate it together as best we can.

It’s starting to become very real that these weeks and weekends before baby will come and go just as quickly as we might think–the calendar is filling up with both the exciting and the mundane, but however the days go by, they’re all part of a countdown to this big and awesome change of adding another member to our team.

As far as any of us can see it, the baby bean’s arrival will make weekend time more sweet in days to come. For now though, we’re soaking up summer as a family of four, with four days to celebrate life together and the fourth to remind us of why we’re able.

thankful and humbled, and wielding a paint brush,

mm