MollyMadonna.com

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moods and ‘tudes. (20)

All the feels are coming out around here, folks. Not just mine, but everyone’s. The kids are squirrelier than ever: we’ve lost all sense of the word STOP (and also the words NO and DON’T and even the obvious HEY!). For two very agreeable children, this phase is really something. It’s not just being five or three that’s doing it, it’s clearly the baby bump. Both H and E are excited, but there are definitely all kinds of nerves and apprehensions just below the surface.

Eloise has morphed into the shyest girl I know. She is a firecracker around here and with family, but with friends and strangers, warming up these days is somewhat off the table. She hides behind me when I ask her to say hello, or really when I address her at all in front of others. She does not like to be the center of attention in any way…until she does, which is a little hard for me to follow lately. Once she turns it on, it’s the Ellie Jo Show all day long. I love her spunk and energy. I just don’t quite know what to do with the clinging behind my back. Shoot. I can’t even reach her there these days! Where is the “crying like waterworks because you’re laughing so hard” emoji when I need it?

Henry shifts from being about the most helpful and gentle soul on the planet into total boyhood-ninja-warrior-storm-trooper-I-just-ate-all-of-the-sugar mode in no time flat…without any sugar. He talks about the baby and meeting the baby, and he stops what he’s doing to come over and kiss my belly at least a few times a day. He is caring and doting, then spitting and making wild animal noises; loving his sister well and then getting under her skin in every possible way…and there’s no telling how or when or why one reaction will take precedence over the other. I’m tearing my hair out just a tad trying to brace myself for whatever emotion is coming next. It’s an adventure.

 

As for Jason and me, well, we’re tired. And honestly a bit worn. And ready to meet this baby…but not quite…and back again. I could cry at most things, but I don’t, because who has time for that? I’ve become very pragmatic about a lot of things, and definitely more charged about others.

On a daily basis, I have an uncanny number of people make comments to me about how I look, or how soon this baby is going to fall out of me, or that I can’t possibly stay pregnant a minute longer, and truly, it is taking every bit of grace in my bones not to just let people know how I really feel about that.

It’s not as if I don’t know I have a baby in there and look like I’m ready to give birth soon (interestingly, I do, and I am). It’s more that every other stranger is either glaring and saying nothing (the better option, I guess), or saying something as if they can’t hold it in a second longer. Seems like they should all be less worried about my water breaking and more worried about the stream of consciousness plummeting out of their mouths, no?

Just being real and all.

This is the best and hardest part of pregnancy all at once. We’re so close, and I want to just suspend this period of time so I never lose the feeling and anticipation of knowing our baby will be here soon. It’s the very best. On the flip side, I feel like I’m losing my edge over here in most ways…as a mama to our other two, as a human capable of normal physical activity, as an evenly keeled, emotionally stable person who has grace enough for everyone. Hello, baby number three. You are a marvel and a mystery and one of the hardest, most rewarding experiences I’ve ever faced.

We are getting there.

Just not without wild moods throughout the house and four people juggling so much love for each other and such a great need for personal space at the same time. Life feels raw, and maybe that’s good.

I’m thrilled to be here, and perfectly happy to be honest about the hardest parts, too. I hope someday my daughter (or daughters?) or daughter(s)-in-law will read this when they’re pregnant and know that they are normal for having all of the feelings at once. If this is not almost thirty eight weeks pregnant and normal, I don’t know what is 😉

love from the little (emotionally charged) blue house,

mm

 

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bend and stretch. (22)

Well, it’s official. I can’t bend forward…not really even a little. It’s funny and ironic to me on a day when motherhood required more bending and stretching than normal (in both literal and figurative ways).

I’m currently trying to adjust to fall life while summer is still very much a thing–the hot, muggy weather feels nothing like fall, but school buses and overheard conversations everywhere make the impending season seem pretty official. I feel like I’m diving head first into the adjustment period from breezy summer to first-time homeschooling mama, and then there’s the belly, always providing quite the good and necessary distraction, too. It’s a time I’ll look back on with fondness, and also completely new territory for me on every level.

37 weeks pregnant, first time with a kindergartener, a new preschooler eager to have her own gig going, homeschooling, new fall extracurricular activities, and a handful of other changes hanging out there to add some color into the mix=a whole lot of bending and stretching going on.

This morning at Eloise’s first ballet class of the school year, we went from super excited and showing off our pink everything to sobbing and clinging to mom. This is her second year in ballet (and at the same school), so I was a little shocked to find myself trying to talk our three year old off the ledge. She’s pretty independent, but wasn’t feeling that way in the moment. And when I asked her what made her not want to do ballet today, she said matter of factly, “God. God told me that.” Who can argue?

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So excited and ready to go beforehand…

I wouldn’t have minded, but the sitting and bending and reaching that transpired in prep for ballet class this morning was substantial for me. Battling those ballet tights into submission and wrangling a perfect tiny bun were big achievements as we prepped to leave, but for naught. Big brother even tried to encourage and convince our wee ballerina that she should give class a go, but to no avail. We’ll try again next week, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that she’ll once again warm up to an activity that she has loved before.

Thank goodness for gracious mamas who were so encouraging to her (and to me) as we navigated the decision to leave the studio before class was over. Some days, we’re just three and need to make decisions for ourselves. There’s such goodness in being surrounded by moms who are also balancing the dynamics of three year old girls right now. Truly.

Post-ballet drama, it seemed like things were just ordered in a tricky way all day long. We bounced from ballet to one doctors appointment and then another, followed by some interesting dynamics at home and then Henry’s new gig in martial arts tonight before dinner. I know this is all run of the mill, but it’s totally new to me. It’s amazing how watching your eldest morph from a little person into a young man before your eyes can bring on all of the emotions. Throw in the end of pregnancy, and I really do mean ALL of the emotions.

By dinner and bedtime lately, I am just absolutely spent. Ask anyone in the house. Mama is frayed and ready to have space and make space and be mostly alone. This is entirely a circumstantial thing for me, and not my usual M.O. All I can say is, the physical ups and downs of the bedtime routine put me right into a “I feel like I could probably throw myself into labor tonight” zone that has alarmed me more than once this week. You never know when it will be the real thing, right?

I hope to have a hunch, but this babe and this pregnancy have been most unpredictable throughout. I have little idea of what to expect, except to say that I will be shocked to go three more full weeks without meeting this baby. If my patience, physical energy and emotional capacity were any indication today, this babe will join us at the tipping point between summer and fall, and no later. Won’t it be fun to see if I’m on target with my instincts this time?

There’s still more to do before I feel like I can just let my hair down and think, “Yep, we’re all set to go!” But we’re making great progress, and at least now I have a pile of things to pack in a bag for the hospital, where a week ago they were scattered in bins and boxes and still arriving in the mail. Maybe the hospital check list would be good to add to the agenda for this weekend, just so no one is scrambling trying to find my maternity yoga pants, the exact right baby clothes for boy or girl, and the few items I just don’t want to be without when labor makes itself known.

One thing at a time, and soon enough I’ll be bending over this belly again in awe. Change happens so fast, and the process is really quite perfect. My bending and stretching woes are exactly representative of the amount I’m learning to bend and stretch in every way beyond physical right now. Mostly, I’m happy to make the connection and to embrace it as part of the adventure.

Without a doubt, pregnancy is an exercise of the mind and spirit, not just the body. What a great privilege!

loving this path we wander,

mm

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do one thing… (26)

We were in slow mo a bit around here today…we started out planning on church and all kinds of other activities, but a little illness in the house changes things pretty fast. Poor Eloise must have eaten something that didn’t agree with her, because she spent the morning quite down on her luck. It’s the first time I can remember (since she was really tiny and we were still figuring out her dairy allergy) that she has gotten so sick to her stomach. She is one tough cookie, though, and she weathered it like a champ. It just meant for lots of quiet story time this morning and a general grounding of the family for the day while we let things settle a bit.

The reoccurring theme in my life right now seems to be “slowing down.” I know I’ve shared quite enough about this not being my forte, but I’m starting to think maybe I could get really good at it with so much practice available.

I slept for about four hours last night, although not for lack of effort. I was set to get closer to eight, but two of our three kiddos (one in utero and one upstairs in bed) had other plans. Needless to say, I was pretty groggy when the day started, which contributed to the pace of our whole family as the hours played out. Though there is plenty to get done around here (and while I feel like we’re actually making great progress), I’m learning that we’re not all so bad at just going with the flow and sharing down time together.

We wear our sunglasses at night! Post-dinner family stroll earlier this week...always a good reminder to slow down and make room for the (important) little things.

We wear our sunglasses at night! Post-dinner family stroll earlier this week…always a good reminder to slow down and make room for the (important) little things.

For two kids who have an unending amount of energy, and two parents who love to stay busy and search out fun experiences, we’ve settled into a weekend routine that’s rather mellow. I think there’s a time and a place for so much mellow, and certainly a time and place for more excitement and fun. Right now, we’re getting adjusted to slower, sleepier, quieter, and of course, there’s good reason.

Jason and I are masters at the arm’s length long to do list, and we attempt to pack it all into weekends and late night projects. We’re ambitious, but also tired, and I think we’re becoming a little more realistic about what we can do with the time and space we have.

Is this lesson hard for anyone else? I’m sure it is, but sometimes it seems like everyone everywhere is juggling life and household items, family adventures and time with friends, chores and meal prep and faith communities and full nights of sleep with ease. I’m just here to say that right now, in our reality, we can’t be masters at all of the above without wearing ourselves into the ground. The cost is high, and it’s not a fun price to pay for sanity and rest and quality time doing simple things like reading piles of stories and having living room dance parties with the kids.

We’re all pooped, honestly. I have no complaints (except maybe that I wish I could move a tad faster right now), I just want to make sure that we’re fitting in what’s most important and letting go of what’s not. The letting go part? That’s the hardest for me, but I’m working on it.

My mom taught me something about to do lists a long time ago that I may have to implement here pretty soon…do one thing, cross off two. There’s no shame in it, but perhaps a little realism and an extra dose of grace. The push is not worth the price tag (at least right now).

I’m still hopeful that all of the things I keep adding to lists might get accomplished before our little babe arrives–that would feel so good! But I know without a doubt that this time around is part of a long process for me of learning to relinquish control…of continuing to open up my hands to God and becoming ever more dependent on Him. I need to keep learning that my worth is not based on what I do or how much, and that life is not a matter of tasks, but of carefully spent moments doing the most important thing.

What’s your most important thing right now? Is it laundry and organizing dressers and labeling boxes for the attic? I think I’ve let those items become more important to me than they should be, for sure. I’m going to keep working on this whole “priorities” bit. I’m being shaped by the process. I’ll still change out endless loads of laundry and organize life and things as best I can, but not without trying to focus more and more on rest and resting in Him.

always a student,

mm

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q&a with eloise. (28)

“i jus wuv dat baby in day-uh,” (I just love that baby in there) Eloise said as she laid down her head on the pillow tonight. “I can’t wait to be a big sista!” Above most everything else, this has been the topic of conversation with our baby girl for the past number of weeks or months, and it’s crazily endearing. I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but E does not get through a single prayer time without reminding us to pray and thank God that she gets to be a big sister. Every meal, every bedtime. My heart is so full at the thought of her holding this baby for the first time–it’s hard not to anticipate the joy.

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Growing up so fast.

A few weeks back, I asked Henry some questions, interview style, about becoming a big brother again. Today was Eloise’s turn, and she apparently enjoyed the process, because she kept asking me for more questions as I’d finish up. Here are her candid thoughts on the big change that’s coming soon in her world.

  1. How do you feel about becoming a big sister?  “Good. Yes.”
  2. Why? “Cuz I wike to hewep it. Pway if it. Uhhh, feed it.” (Because I like to help it. Play with it…)
  3. Is there anything that you’re worried about? “Ummmm, no.”
  4. Do you want the baby to be a boy or a girl? “A guwl.” (A girl.)
  5. If you have a sister, what will you name her? “Uh, Anna.” (As in, Frozen.)
  6. What is the hardest thing about waiting for baby? “Mmmm, lemme sink about it. Waiting to pway wif it. Waiting to feeding and pway wif it.” (Lemme think about it. Waiting to play with it…)
  7. What are you excited to do with the baby? “Eh…wock it.” (Rock it.)
  8. What makes you a great big sister? “Ummm, wubbing da baby’s back.” (Rubbing the baby’s back.)
  9. Is there anything else you want me to know about the baby? “Yeah. Wemme fink about it. I finked about putting it on the couch. Just bwinging toys ova and pwaying if it. Wike deez animows dat ahh squishy.” (Lemme think about it. I thinked about putting it on the couch. Just bringing toys over and playing with it. Like these animals that are squishy (holds up a plastic blowfish from her sea animal set).
  10. What story will you read to the baby? ” Uhh, I wiw weed Fancy Nancy. And Fwozen.” (I will read Fancy Nancy and Frozen.)
  11. What song will you sing to the baby? “I fink Sophia. Mmhmm. I wiw. How about Fwozen? Anything fwozen I can get it? Fwozen ice packs?” (I think Sophia (the First). Mmhmm. I will. How about Frozen? Anything frozen I can get it? Frozen ice packs?)
  12. Where should we take baby first? “Um, Disney Wu-oud. I was going to say coffee shop. AAAND Disney Wu-oud.” (Disney World)
  13. What do you want to teach the baby? “Um, ha-ut backpack. And Disney Wu-oud. And putting it in the toy stwhoa-wah. (Heart backpack. And Disney World. And putting it in the toy stroller.)

I’ll love asking Eloise to weigh in on these areas again once she’s navigated the whole big sister gig for a bit. I imagine there will be plenty of fun in the experience for her, but I’m also praying for peace in her heart as she works through the harder changes that are coming, too.

I’m so thankful that the kids are at ages where they can both process so verbally about baby on the way. I can say with assurance that some of their thoughts and feelings are surfacing in different ways, too, but being able to talk about it has been so good. They both reflect on how we’re making room, on sharing things with the baby, and on what it will be like for me to go to the hospital and stay there with baby for a few days. It’s sweet that they want to understand it all as much as they can.

The countdown is finally real and tangible for their hearts to grasp, which makes everything that much more real for us as parents, too. These remaining days are sweet gifts with our first babies as our third grows and grows. Not much room to go in this belly anymore…it all feels quite within reach!

soon and very soon…

mm

 

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defying gravity. (29)

“Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep…It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!” -Defying Gravity, Wicked

September, I like you already. Every year you are full of promise, and every year, you bring about change. Already, not 24 hours in, you are hopeful and moving forward, your reputation of harvest welling up in the air, in the orchards, and tucked away inside this rounded belly of mine.

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I so love how God has ordered our lives in this way, that each of our babies has come in a month and season that feels exactly right for who they are and how they fit into our world and family. I expect this little September babe to be no different.

Henry was most definitely a bountiful, colorful spring after a long and wearing winter. He brought life into our family, and drew me out of myself and into a world of growth and hope. He was a breath of fresh air for all of us.

Eloise arrived in the heat of the summer–fast and determined and full of vigor. Her entrance into our family was celebratory and almost easy going, and although she also has a serious, thoughtful side, she is lighthearted and go with the flow and all kinds of sunshine.

This baby tucked away right now has been so mysterious to me in ways, but he or she is becoming a settling child who has challenged me to push through hardships to discover the sweet–who most certainly represents a harvest season for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually as my faith stretches and grows. God planted a seed in my heart about this precious life long ago, and to think that it is coming forth so soon is a little surreal.

Precious babe at 36 weeks.

Precious babe at 36 weeks.

Like autumn arriving on the heels of summertime, there is a bittersweetness in saying goodbye to generous time and undeserved freedoms and carefree adventures. But when we trade summer for fall, we also trade lack of routine for stability; we trade the warmth of the sun for the coziness of settling in. And maybe trade is the wrong word altogether, because in any case, autumn trails summer so beautifully, and everyone seems ready for its syncopation when it gets here.

This baby bean is keeping time for me, bringing me so gracefully toward change in ways I’ve not even realized until now. And suddenly, with a due date within reach and this pregnancy winding down, I feel like I can say “yes” to what’s coming without the reservations that had previously held me down.

***

After weeks of praying, turning myself upside down (literally and figuratively), chiropractic adjustments and not-so-comfortable massages multiple times a week, summersaults and handstands in the pool, bouncing on an exercise ball each night, always laying on my left side, bags of frozen peas on my belly, shining flashlights to get baby’s attention, and doing my very best not to worry but worrying anyway, I went to the doctor today to discover that baby has indeed settled into a vertex position. Of course there is still time for moving around again, but I am confident that we are on our way to the type of birth I have prayed for and dreamed of for so long.

Speaking life and truth over this baby and pregnancy, my heart and mind have shifted in these past few weeks. Instead of hanging on challenging stories and what ifs and best possible outcomes in scenarios that leave me unsettled, I have finally been able to open up my hands and dive into trusting the Creator who entrusted this life to me in the first place.

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I have no doubt that all of my physical shenanigans to attempt a baby flip have helped in their own way, but credit goes to God answering prayer and ordering my body in the way that He designed it to work. He has been pursuing my heart in a major way, and I have (once again) been on a journey of letting go and shedding my unbelief in exchange for peace and trust that His word is true and His ways are best. (If only I could hold onto that lesson in every life circumstance and not need to relearn it every time!)

There are so many unknowns in this lifetime–and in pregnancy, as with all things. We dance on the edge of assuredness and joy, contrasted with feelings of curiosity and sometimes, doubt, as we navigate so much we cannot see.

If pregnancy is not about faith in a higher power and miraculous things taking shape every single day within us, I don’t know what is. And God has given us authority here on earth to take ownership of our greatest, deepest desires and hopes through His Word and through prayer, and then offers us the privilege of glorifying Him when our hearts find peace and our arms cradle new life.

The harvest is plenty. Welcome, sweet September and all you will bring.

changed,

mm