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one more step. (21)

Day 21. Something to mark day 21. There are days when I have so much I want to say, and others where my words won’t touch what I’m thinking or feeling by any stretch. Tonight is one of the latter. It’s late, and I’m tired, but very awake. I’m processing a lot, but somehow peaceful. God is gracious in this way.

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The highs and lows today are significant, but I’m most thankful for these things as the day winds to a close:

-Baby is still tucked safely away and reminding me of new life as he or she moves and shifts every few minutes within.

-I am surrounded by beautiful friends…women God has placed in my life for this season, and some, undoubtedly, for a lifetime.

-My family is a continuous and abundant blessing in my life–Jason and I are a team, always growing through what’s beautiful, what’s hard, what’s surprising and what’s deeply rich. Henry and Eloise bring laughter and adventure and so many reminders of our good, good Father, every single day. I am humbly grateful.

I don’t have words tonight, but I do have confidence that tomorrow will bring a new day, and with it, a step closer to meeting this sweet baby. I am learning so much about giving in to this process and letting go so that God can be the one to move.

with love and a hopeful heart,

mm

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when the time comes. (23)

I will be thirty seven weeks pregnant tomorrow, so I’m thinking more and more about the big day that’s coming in the very near future. I’m trying to visualize what I hope the experience will be, trying to manage my expectations with reason, trying to be optimistic, realistic, determined, resilient and ready all at once. I don’t *think* we have three weeks to go before we meet our little bean, and yet you never know with these things, so I’m aiming to be mentally prepared, but not jumpy. Packed for the hospital soon enough, but not too soon…

I was just telling Jason that I’m not quite sure how to feel at this stage. Even having done it twice before, I am torn between wanting baby to be here and wanting baby to stay tucked inside a little longer. The latter will likely win out for now, but the fact of the matter is, we’re teetering on the fence between two realities. Baby is nearly fully baked and getting hard to carry. Nights with a newborn are beautiful and challenging and long. So which is better? They’re both wonderful for about a million reasons. It’s easy to think the grass is greener when your back is aching and you can’t stand up without help (or at least without looking a little crazy). It’s also easy to look back and think, “Wow. A few weeks ago you were tucked away and I still had a little bit of control over my time.”

Life is always a juggling act, and while juggling, it sometimes feels like we could be managing something lighter or softer or easier. The truth is though, we’re all just busy honing our skill and juggling exactly what we need to be in order to grow and change as people. For today I’m juggling this baby in utero, and in a matter of weeks I’ll be juggling newborn mama life again. Both are amazing. Both are hard. I will do my best to embrace the changes as they come.

I confessed tonight that what I’m most looking forward to in the coming weeks is our time in the hospital. I know, I know. That sounds weird, and maybe especially so for a crunchy granola type mama like me (just confessing I’m guilty as charged). But truly, the most magical parts of new parenting and birth for me have been the hours that Jason and I have spent getting to know our newest loves in the confines of the quiet, wee hours in the hospital. Time almost stops while we’re there. Our hearts and minds can focus on our sweet new baby, and we’re not obligated to be juggling other things so much, because our number one priority in that space is welcoming new life.

Of course, with siblings in the mix now, we’ll be putting on our mom and dad hats in different ways from our hospital room, too. But with grandparents and friends prepared to care for our older kiddos for a few days, it will be a precious, precious thing to welcome Henry and Eloise our sacred, new baby space, and then to reclaim it for the sake of soaking up all of the firsts again as we parent our freshest gift from God.

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I am in love with that time. The middle of the night feedings and the quiet. Jason next to me sleeping while I admire what God has created between us, swaddled and snuggled in my arms. The phone calls to people we love, sharing the news. The decision to name our baby something meaningful and fitting when we know it’s right. The anticipation of heading home and welcoming our babe into our space and family…it’s like Disney World for a very expectant mama–all of the glitter and magic, and being transported to a different space and time for just a little while.

When the time comes, I pray that my heart will be ready. I pray that my body will be rested. I pray that my mind will be clear and sound. I pray that God will watch over this baby in delivery, and over me as well. I pray that he will strengthen us as parents to become parents again, and that He will help us to embrace our three babies well, together, as a new version of our family unit. For the hands of our doctor, for nurses and for the care we will receive. For the caregivers who will lovingly look after Henry and Eloise while we’re gone. And for peace. So much peace. In every detail and moment and change.

when the time comes…

mm

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the dude-la. (25)

At dinner the other night, our friends asked if we had hired another doula for this upcoming birth. Knowing that our former doula had recently relocated, they were curious whether or not we’d found someone new. We shared that we hadn’t chosen to hire a replacement, and, gesturing to Jason, I quipped that we were all set because I’d have my dude-la support on hand. I meant it to be funny, but it’s actually quite true, and thus, I coined the term for future use and explanation. 😉

If you’re not familiar with the term doula, the basic definition is a woman experienced in childbirth who provides advice, information, emotional support, and physical comfort to a mother and family before, during, and just after childbirth. I share a little more about my own role as a doula here, if you’re interested in knowing more. (You can also find an additional link there if you’d like to learn more about supported birth and why I think having a doula is a wonderful option.)

Jason and I have had an amazing doula to support us as we welcomed both Henry and Eloise. After having support with Henry’s birth, I couldn’t visualize Eloise’s delivery without our doula in the picture, and we were so fortunate to be able to work with her a second time. We’d have loved to have our doula with us again for this birth, but given the circumstances, we’ve instead spent time processing whether we wanted a new doula in the room, or if we felt comfortable relying on each other given our previous (and very positive) experiences.

At the end of the day, what gave us the most peace was the decision to work through this next labor together, without a new doula alongside for baby #3’s arrival. It was a crazy-hard choice. As a doula myself, I wholeheartedly see the value and appreciate the comfort that comes with doula support, and Jason does, too. But we have worked well together as a birth team twice now, and it will be a new and equally beautiful thing to head into the hospital with some experience under our belts, believing and trusting that we can navigate birth well the third time around.

Before having Henry, Jason and I attended Hypnobirthing classes, taught by our doula. Hypnobirthing is not as wild as it sounds, although we did attend with reservations at first. Over the course of several classes, what we gained was greater confidence in my body’s ability to birth well, and a set of visualization and relaxation techniques that could help me to cope (and even thrive) in labor and birth. The class proved to be more than helpful, as we employed exercises we’d learned to welcome both Henry and Eloise. I’ve felt more in control of my thoughts and actions/reactions, and Jason has been equipped to help me through the more difficult parts of labor with useful tools and reminders.

Having a dude-la is a funny way of saying that my husband is my support person, but I think it’s just about right. Jason’s presence at each birth hasn’t just been about him being in the room, but rather taking an active role in helping both baby and me to do the hard work of laboring and birthing–without fear or a lack of confidence in a positive result. Knowing that Jason knows me, knows how I function in labor, and knows what I’m hoping for in the birth of this baby are all added comforts to the fact that he is familiar with what brings me back to a self-controlled, measured, calm space in labor. No one else in my world can claim that role at this stage, and I’m grateful that we can do this together.

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Baby number three has kept us on our toes and been an adventure already, so I have no doubt that this next birth will be exciting and wonderful and new in many ways, too. As we look to that day ahead of us and prepare for birth again, it works out well that my husband and my dude-la are one in the same. I’m sure this next notch in our parenting belt will have a great story to go with it. Now if only I can muster up the patience to weather this waiting space as we get close.

endorsing doulas and/or dude-las for all!

mm

 

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do one thing… (26)

We were in slow mo a bit around here today…we started out planning on church and all kinds of other activities, but a little illness in the house changes things pretty fast. Poor Eloise must have eaten something that didn’t agree with her, because she spent the morning quite down on her luck. It’s the first time I can remember (since she was really tiny and we were still figuring out her dairy allergy) that she has gotten so sick to her stomach. She is one tough cookie, though, and she weathered it like a champ. It just meant for lots of quiet story time this morning and a general grounding of the family for the day while we let things settle a bit.

The reoccurring theme in my life right now seems to be “slowing down.” I know I’ve shared quite enough about this not being my forte, but I’m starting to think maybe I could get really good at it with so much practice available.

I slept for about four hours last night, although not for lack of effort. I was set to get closer to eight, but two of our three kiddos (one in utero and one upstairs in bed) had other plans. Needless to say, I was pretty groggy when the day started, which contributed to the pace of our whole family as the hours played out. Though there is plenty to get done around here (and while I feel like we’re actually making great progress), I’m learning that we’re not all so bad at just going with the flow and sharing down time together.

We wear our sunglasses at night! Post-dinner family stroll earlier this week...always a good reminder to slow down and make room for the (important) little things.

We wear our sunglasses at night! Post-dinner family stroll earlier this week…always a good reminder to slow down and make room for the (important) little things.

For two kids who have an unending amount of energy, and two parents who love to stay busy and search out fun experiences, we’ve settled into a weekend routine that’s rather mellow. I think there’s a time and a place for so much mellow, and certainly a time and place for more excitement and fun. Right now, we’re getting adjusted to slower, sleepier, quieter, and of course, there’s good reason.

Jason and I are masters at the arm’s length long to do list, and we attempt to pack it all into weekends and late night projects. We’re ambitious, but also tired, and I think we’re becoming a little more realistic about what we can do with the time and space we have.

Is this lesson hard for anyone else? I’m sure it is, but sometimes it seems like everyone everywhere is juggling life and household items, family adventures and time with friends, chores and meal prep and faith communities and full nights of sleep with ease. I’m just here to say that right now, in our reality, we can’t be masters at all of the above without wearing ourselves into the ground. The cost is high, and it’s not a fun price to pay for sanity and rest and quality time doing simple things like reading piles of stories and having living room dance parties with the kids.

We’re all pooped, honestly. I have no complaints (except maybe that I wish I could move a tad faster right now), I just want to make sure that we’re fitting in what’s most important and letting go of what’s not. The letting go part? That’s the hardest for me, but I’m working on it.

My mom taught me something about to do lists a long time ago that I may have to implement here pretty soon…do one thing, cross off two. There’s no shame in it, but perhaps a little realism and an extra dose of grace. The push is not worth the price tag (at least right now).

I’m still hopeful that all of the things I keep adding to lists might get accomplished before our little babe arrives–that would feel so good! But I know without a doubt that this time around is part of a long process for me of learning to relinquish control…of continuing to open up my hands to God and becoming ever more dependent on Him. I need to keep learning that my worth is not based on what I do or how much, and that life is not a matter of tasks, but of carefully spent moments doing the most important thing.

What’s your most important thing right now? Is it laundry and organizing dressers and labeling boxes for the attic? I think I’ve let those items become more important to me than they should be, for sure. I’m going to keep working on this whole “priorities” bit. I’m being shaped by the process. I’ll still change out endless loads of laundry and organize life and things as best I can, but not without trying to focus more and more on rest and resting in Him.

always a student,

mm

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rest revisited. (27)

I’m not very good at resting. This is a reoccurring theme in my days, made more prominent by the kind of sleep I’m able to get at night this far into pregnancy. There are times when I plow through an entire day with so much energy I’m kind of amazed, and days (like today) when I have so much I want to accomplish but not enough gusto to keep up with myself.

It’s hard to rest if you’re always looking to the next thing that needs to be done.

God makes it very clear we’re supposed to take time for restoration. One day for every seven is a pretty specific instruction, although so many of us have our own definitions of what a sabbath or rest might look like. I think in some ways this is left to translation, but in others, there are clear guidelines for how we put down our normal lives in exchange for prayer, worship, family time and an all-around recharge. If cooking brings you great joy and allows you to serve your family from your heart, then cooking on a sabbath day is entirely your prerogative. If there are things that restore and recharge you (or the people around you) in a way that honors the day you’re shaping and the week you’re preparing for ahead, then I imagine it is honoring to God to do them.

Sometimes I don’t stop at this though…there is always more to be taken care of and more to check off the list.

Certain seasons in life slow us down, and I feel like there’s good reason for this. For someone like me, a life without slower seasons would mean no slowing down until I crash (and the crashing part isn’t pretty). I recognize that living at a slower, more intentional pace is likely more profitable in the long run, which is why I wholeheartedly acknowledge my downfall in this area, even as I try to improve. Occasionally, I wonder why I was created as such a night owl, burning the midnight oil almost always and trying to pack in more than necessary after the kids go to bed. I function fairly well on less sleep than average, but I know that’s not a positive choice long term. I have to fight the drive in myself to keep going, and instead, to quiet down.

Isn’t that life in so many ways? Figuring out how to quiet ourselves in certain areas in order to hear and receive better in others?

The end of pregnancy is a bit of a conundrum for me. I am certainly more tired and definitely slowing down from a physical standpoint, but my mind is going constantly and shows no sign of stopping soon. It’s possible that I live in a little bit of unnecessary fear that baby’s arrival will consume so much of who I am that I absolutely need to take care of a month’s worth of items now, just to head it off at the pass. I recognize that this doesn’t demonstrate a lot of trust in God’s ability to carry me forward (even though I know he will), nor does it leave room for the fact that life will move on if things aren’t in perfect order.

Things won’t be in perfect order–not ever. Not because I couldn’t work crazy-hard to have everything in its exact right place, but because life is life, and you can never predict what new little hiccup is waiting. This isn’t a bad thing at all. I think it just calls us to lean more heavily into grace, and to trust that the world does not stop turning when we don’t have things all figured out.

Even this third time around, I’m learning again and again.

I’m writing in the afternoon today, because life allowed space for that, and because J and I are headed out to dinner with friends tonight and I don’t want to come home to realize I’ve got writing to do at a late hour. (That would be my typical M.O., but I’m rethinking and reordering right now, giving rest my best shot as I’m able.)

Even though I’m thirty four and a wife and mom, I’m still growing up in big areas. I continue to be challenged to become better–not for the sake of the world, but for the sake of my family and in the interest of honoring who God has called me to be and what work he is calling me to accomplish. While my head and heart are so focused on baby and this coming change for our family right now, I can tell that God’s focus is on birthing new things in me as he brings life through me into the world.

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it is always so humbling to be shaped more and more, and humbling to trust that i have a perfect Guide while so far to go,

mm