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halfway and smiling. (50)

What a climb it’s been to this peak–50 days and counting down! That’s the top of the hill for this 100 day challenge, and I’m thrilled and can’t believe it at the same time. 50 posts marking this pregnancy and 50 posts for the babe to (hopefully) someday thumb through, laugh at, cherish. Worth every minute.

This week I’ve been working hard to see God’s goodness in the big and small things, and to note it for my own sake. Logging the places where God shows up so clearly is helpful in any season, but especially in this one as I prepare my heart for what He will do in, through, and with this little person who is soon coming into our lives. I want to be so attuned to God’s presence, and I so desperately need to be as baby’s birthday draws near.

One of the most apparent ways God has extended His love in my life this week is through the abundance of relationships that bless my days. I was talking to J earlier and just sharing how I feel so surrounded right now–by amazing mamas, dear, dear friendships, people who have just swept in and blessed my spirit in the most perfect timing. I wasn’t feeling lonely by any means, but this week, it’s almost as if God has chosen to remind me of all of these beautiful, life-giving relationships at once…a pick-me-up I probably needed after an emotionally trying week last week.

I’m just beyond grateful.

When I look back on the past few days and recall their contents, there’s been so much good. I hope I never forget that, or the feeling it’s all left behind. I think we’ve turned a corner on some things that have been stopping up my joy, but the beauty of that is simply that it was all still there–just bottlenecked and waiting to flow out. I pray that it continues to flow generously, and that my joy not only radiates in my life, but that it passes on to others. Goodness knows, the joy of others has been filling me up and blessing me all week long! Time to pay it forward with intention 🙂

50 to go. or maybe a few more or less, give or take. feels so good.

mm

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someday i’ll tell you. (52)

Dear Baby,

For the first thirty years of my life, this date marked the celebration of a very special person on my calendar. For the past two July 3rds, the day has become more of a reminder…a chance to take pause and recall all of the beauty that one amazing lady once added to my life. She was my grandma–your great grandma, and I so wish you two had had the chance to meet.

Someday, I’ll tell you all about Gramma Donna–how she was the center of our family, the glue that always held everyone together. I’ll tell you about all of the times I’d call her just to say hello, and how we’d get off of the phone hours later, after catching up on everything under the sun. I’ll try to recreate for you the kinds of sleepovers I remember having at Gramma’s house when I was young–the strips of buttered toast, dipped in hot chocolate in the dim light of the kitchen after Grandpa had gone to bed, the countless bags of burnt peanuts, the little ways she made you feel like you were the most important person in the world on every single visit. I’ll share about how she was one of my very best friends, how I leaned on her for wisdom and a safe place, and how we were always welcome at her door. You would have adored her, and no doubt, she would have loved you like crazy, too. She couldn’t get enough of babies. Her heart was always big enough. Her table, always full.

No matter where I was traveling from, her kitchen always felt like home.

I’ll never forget the smell of her linen closet or the way everything was perfectly folded and in impeccable order. Some of those very same towels and sheets from my childhood days at Gramma’s are now sitting folded–still untouched after leaving her linen closet, in a basket in ours. I don’t want to unfold them or use them or wash them because if I linger close enough, the mark of her is still there, a year and a half after losing her. I can’t tell you I’ve ever had to say goodbye to someone who felt closer or more kindred than she. Even now, the remembrance of her is both beautiful and hard.

I wish that you had ever known her laugh, or the way she wrapped packages, prepared a holiday meal, poured herself into her family. She left a legacy that, for me, is something I’ll aspire to with you and your siblings and your children for years to come. I miss her grace. Her decorum. Her extra tight, extra long hugs at the end of a visit.

You never know how much time you’re going to be given with someone you love, sweet baby, so I say, make all of the time count. Gramma and I were able to do that, and I think it made all the difference in the world. There are no regrets–nothing we didn’t cover or express that hangs out there painfully since she’s been gone. Only perfectly sweet memories and the lingering space that no one else can fill exactly the way she always did. I pray that you have someone in your life who fill that space for you, too.

Please ask me about your great grandma one day, and when you do, make sure you have enough time to sit a while. I want you to know, as best you can, just what an impact she had on your mama–and just how blessed we were to have her lead our family for a time.

always good to leave a mark on the world the way she did. i pray i can do the same as the years go on. i do hope you crossed paths in heaven somehow…the thought makes me smile.

love you completely,

mm

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pursuing options. (53)

I’ve always loved the phrase, “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” That is, as it applies to dinner and toddlers, the colored frosting on a birthday cupcake in school, something free you weren’t expecting. There’s just no big need to make a great deal out of the small stuff, and sometimes I think it’s a good life lesson to learn that you can’t always get what you want. Are you hearing the song in your head right now? Because I am.

I also love chucking the above phrase out the window when it comes to not settling on the bigger issues. I make no apologies that there are certain areas of my life that are just non-negotiable. Unwavering. Off the table. God is one of them, and the very biggest of them all. I won’t be backing down on the Creator of the Universe, or what I think of Him, or what I believe to be true about Him. To me, there’s no wishy-washiness about God. My family is another. There’s no settling for me where my nuclear family is concerned. None. I want the very best for them, always. Sort of good enough is not good enough for my marriage or my kiddos or my sister (and her family) or our parents. Nope. I want the absolute, bar none best, and I will work my tail off when necessary to make sure that’s what they get. So God. Then family. And then birth. Birth is a good one to throw into the mix. There’s no question about my stance when it comes to birth. I could very easily get on a soap box here, but I’ll do my best not to. I’ll just sum up my thoughts in a few lines that capture what I’m thinking about as I wind down this day (and for good reason):

-When you are birthing your baby, it’s YOUR baby. And YOUR body. And if you have wishes, hopes, dreams, fears, expectations, specifications, articulations–they’re yours for the sharing.

-When someone comes from a position of fear about your birth experience, it’s toxic. Even if you’re fairly steadfast about birth, from whatever angle you want to take. Toxic. I’ll elaborate more on this at a later date, when I’m not shedding my own experience with someone else’s fear and toxicity. Bottom line…you don’t have to buy into it or own it in any way. This is not a “you get what you get” situation. It is the amazing, beautiful, remarkable experience of bringing a life into the world. It should feel that way.

-I believe that God has created our bodies to do an incredibly beautiful thing, from start to finish. Is it not miraculous that a whole person begins from nothing and then, nine months later, comes out an entire little being who will grow into a bundle of awesomeness as he or she learns to eat, move, communicate, express emotion, speak, share, play, live? It is entirely crazy and amazing, and I think we should call it what it is. I don’t think we should water it down or act like we have to control every last aspect of birth, without regard for our Creator. It just stinks when we do that, and all of the fun of it feels lost to me.

So. In this case–in my case, you don’t get what you get and not get upset. You get what you get and you advocate for yourself and your body and God’s plan and the wellbeing of your family…the born and the unborn included. And you trust your gut and you apply your mama instinct and you pursue options, because the ones in front of you have started to feel less and less like options, and more like a slippery slope that challenges everything you believe to be true.

Birth is not a nasty, blue-frosted cupcake. I can get over a cupcake.

I’ll expound more as the days go on, but for now, I just want to capture this (and how I’m feeling 53 days before the Button’s anticipated arrival). I’m too passionate about this topic–and about the healthy, positive, uplifting outcome of this forthcoming birth for our family, to let it go. Nope. I’m a bit on fire right now, and my mama instincts are reeling. Just inside out reeling. And since God gifted me with the ability to feel and think and reason and protect, I’m likely to do all of that to my very best capacity. I hope as I journey through this process and come to conclusions for myself personally, that maybe someone else will feel empowered to the the same.

You don’t always get what you get and not get upset. You have options. I’m digging into mine. I’ll let you know how it goes.

loving this babe and wanting the absolute best for him or her. for us. thank you, God, for making me a little bit of a spitfire;)

mm

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eyes to see. (54)

Last night I shared that I’d be working extra hard this week to see where God had His hand in my days, and this morning when I woke up, the challenge was on. I don’t know if it was the last few rough hours of sleep that got me, or more the crazy avalanche of thoughts and stressors that flooded my mind as soon as my feet hit the floor, but by the time I finished getting ready I was sort of freaking out. Often, I think that when we come out and say we’re going to be intentional where God is concerned, the enemy gets a bit nervous. My self-commitment last night must have been intimidating on some count, because I was under major oppression as the day began.

And then I started to pray.

First I asked God to get me through getting ready without losing my mind. The to do list and the hard things were piling on strong at that point, and I didn’t feel like I could clear my head for more than a second. Then I asked Him to stretch out my morning so I’d have time to just get quiet and focus on Him. I desperately needed time to pray today. I really, really needed H to sleep in.

Now, I’m no magician, but God is a prayer answerer. I finished getting ready and tiptoed downstairs with my fingers crossed. I settled into the couch with a few devotionals I’ve been dabbling in lately, a pencil, and a glass of water. And then God showed up. Or maybe I should say, God kept showing up. The little one was sound asleep as 8:30 rolled around…8:45…9:00am. I was soaking in as much Truth in the Word as I could, as fast as I could, and I was praying for a change in the day.

It didn’t take long for peace to fall over me. I had to fight writing out my list of to dos–wanting so badly to pour them out of my head onto paper, but I felt convicted just to let God work. I read about letting God take control of the day, about letting gratitude lead our steps. I wrote out a prayer of thanksgiving for practice. I focused on the good. And my mood and outlook changed. By the time Henry woke up, things were already flying off of the to do list that I’d eventually had the chance to write. And I was in a much better place to greet him and his needs, and to be the mom I didn’t wake up feeling like an hour and a half prior.

I love God’s version of time.

The rest of the day was a mix of good and bad, but let me tell you…I would not have had the capacity to deal with the harder things if I hadn’t had that quiet time this morning. God’s fingerprints have been all over this day. As H ran freely through the near empty mall on an errand, as we wandered through the library, stopping to look at fish and turtles 100 times, as we blew bubbles in the front yard waiting for daddy to get home from work this afternoon…time. stood. still. This would not have been my M.O. today without God’s intervention. I’ve had impatient moments today, too, don’t get me wrong. Several of them. But in the midst the day has been beautiful, and I’m so, so grateful once again.

On a baby note, I had an unplanned mini-ultrasound this afternoon and had the chance to see our sweet little one’s face. A totally welcome and perfect surprise in the day! Suddenly, it’s as if I know for sure I’ll instantly recognize him or her the moment baby is born. I feel better connected, and definitely more at peace after a whirlwind few weeks on the pregnancy front. I’m totally in love. The Button is doing great–moving around constantly and hiccuping sweet hiccups on the monitor as I watched in awe. The Lord is so gracious to us!

In a nutshell, today has been a good day. I don’t know if I would have seen it that way if I hadn’t asked for fresh eyes this morning, but God granted me my request. There’s nothing quite like knowing that He hears and sees us, and that He loves us enough to answer even our smallish prayers.

gratitude doesn’t quite touch it, but awe comes close. better for this day,

mm

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sunday night gratitude. (55)

Here we are at 55 days from our estimated target on the calendar and celebrating 32 weeks. Baby is doing a good job baking, and I’m incredibly grateful for it. Every week that goes by makes me thankful…one more week of development, one more week closer to meeting the Button, one more week that God has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy. Things are starting to move and shake in the house, too, which gets me excited. We’re making progress one step at a time, but soon, the nursery will officially be a nursery, the crib will be up, bookshelves mounted, furniture painted, artwork and photos on the walls. We’ve been waiting all this time, and now I know we’ll blink and suddenly things will feel ready.

The birth of baby no. 2 for our family grows more and more tangible as all of the mamas due in close proximity to me are winding down their last pregnant days. Soon, we’ll all have sweet little bundles to carry around town, or to snuggle as we sit on couches and share stories while the other little ones play. There is so much joy in motherhood and so much that’s hard–it is the most beautiful thing to me to have amazing mama friends to journey with along the way.

Tonight as we drove down our block, one such friend was walking with another as we passed by, sweet babes in tow. I did a double take as my dear friend from across the state stood there, smiling and waving–a little gift in my Sunday evening and a lovely way to end the weekend. H and I hopped out of the car, exchanged hugs, celebrated all of our kiddos mingling together on the sidewalk at the end of the day. God always knows when to pour a little extra sunshine into our lives, and even little moments like this one are a great blessing to my expectant heart.

This week, I’m going to be on the look out for the unexpected–watching with fresh eyes to see what God will do in the midst of this waiting/planning/growing season. He is always showing up and surprising us, if we’re open to it. Here I am, God! Ready to find you wherever I can, and grateful for your constant presence in our lives.

glad for the journey,

mm