MollyMadonna.com

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limitations. (56)

As I type this, Jason is quite generously going to the grocery store on my behalf. The past few days have been full, full, full, and every time I head to the fridge to prep a meal, I have to get a little more creative. Avoiding the grocery store is a beautiful thing, so long as your toddler isn’t disappointed three days in a row because there’s no yogurt, no bananas for with breakfast. Someone was going to have to cave and go eventually, and I just presumed it’d be me, because it’s kind of my thing to handle edible procurements around here. I have no problem being in charge of the kitchen. I like to cook, and I get great satisfaction out of shopping sales and using coupons to whittle down the bill. It’s just that I can’t come up with a whole lot I enjoy less than going to the grocery store seven+ months pregnant. I am so thankful to J that I’m sitting in the living room right now instead of gearing up for a late night run to stock the fridge.

A definite struggle for me this pregnancy has been the fact that I have to slow down way more than I’d like to concede. I’m not sure I can chalk it up to much else besides chasing a toddler around, which I’ve never had to do while pregnant before. It’s a totally different kind of physically taxing activity, and I’m convinced that the emotionally taxing portion of parenting has ramped up as of late around here as well. You know I adore Henry. But I do not adore being blatantly ignored or flat out being told “No!” by my two year old a dozen or more times a day. Like any other parent, I don’t particularly enjoy coming up with new and creative ways to discipline at every turn, and the truth is, I just lack a certain level of patient energy to try. But you can’t just skip out on the hard parts of parenting when you’re pregnant (as so many of us undoubtedly wish we could). I feel like it’s almost more important to stick to my guns with the munchkin these days, so that there’s still a clearly established order and system to things when the baby comes.

So the reality is, life is getting trickier to manage from a capacity standpoint as my midsection stretches to capacity, too. There’s just a heap of challenging or stressful things that have taken up more space in my brain, heart and spirit than I thought I had room for right now. But God permits us what we can handle–no more, no less. So the lesson here is that I must be able to hang in there through all of the outlying stress factors that present themselves without a sense of reprieve. This will be one of those seasons I look back on fondly and remember as a time of incredible growth, I’m certain.

Most likely, I just need to do a better job of recognizing my current limitations and embracing them as much as possible. After all, the cause and end result are worth a few months of slowing down my pace. There are things coming up that I need and want energy for, and I’m trusting that God will provide all I require in those moments. He always does. In the meantime, as we wait and prep over these next eight-ish weeks, I’m going to do my best to be patient. To be a good and attentive wife and mom. To prepare a space for our baby that does this heart a world of good as it evolves. And to continue to strive to create peace and order in the little blue house while much of life changes and swirls around us.

Some things are definite, even in the midst of this sort of unknown chapter. And the definite things are good and true and life giving, so they’re probably the most important in the long run anyway. I will cling to those. I will also avoid the grocery store whenever possible–especially late on a Saturday night, or with a small person in tow. Thank goodness for partners in crime to do life with…and to do the grocery shopping 😉 How would we manage otherwise?

slowing down for good cause,

mm

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just open the door already. (61)

Joy. The fact of the matter is, if you don’t choose it, it’s not going to come running after you mile after mile forever. I believe that we serve a pursuing God. One who is loving and unyielding and utmost and holy. And I believe that He desires for us to have joy–pure, unadulterated, magnificent joy. I think when we reach out to God to find it, and when we seek it with our hearts open, it is there for us at the ready. God is willing to give and give and give some more.

When we are thankful and express sincere gratitude…when we look up with our hands open, instead of relying inwardly on ourselves with fists clenched…I think God delights in filling our souls to the absolute brim with joy. Even when we can’t see it on our own without His help. Even when life it hard. Even when happiness isn’t part of our daily experience. Because happiness and joy aren’t at all the same. One is fleeting and relies on the external, the tangible, the here and now. And the other rests entirely on the eternal. On hope. On what we believe but cannot see. On possibility and trust and the confidence that our Creator has our best interests at heart. Joy requires us to give God the benefit of the doubt, then frees up even more of our capacity to do so. And when we do this, my goodness, does He show up! When we open up our lives to God–and I mean really surrender, He displays Himself in undeniable ways. He translates our messes. He makes all things new. He delivers JOY.

I once heard a message on the idea of a softened versus a hardened heart, and one particular concept struck me deeply. It implanted itself in my spirit, and it was simply this: we are always, all of us, either running toward or running away from God. We are either in pursuit of Him or not. And when we’re not, we’re turned in a dangerous direction. Running toward God, no matter how large or small the effort, softens our hearts to Him. It opens up the possibility for God to move in our lives–for Him to pursue us further, and to embolden us as we run. But if we are simply standing still, without effort, or with closed minds to what He can and will do, we shut ourselves off to the blessings God has for us in the here and now–and to the work He wants to do in our hearts to move us closer to Him. God will pursue us, certainly, but the longer we stand in an opposing direction, the harder our hearts will become to His efforts.

This isn’t enough to chase God away. Nothing could be. But when our hearts become hardened, God has to turn up the heat.

I love this concept, and I’m healthily fearful of it. I don’t want to be in a place in life where God has to crank up the heat to get to me. I don’t want Him to have to press so hard that I can’t distinguish the weight and why He’s applying it. I don’t want to bemoan God because He’s pushing on all sides to reach me, and I’m ignoring His every attempt. I know He wouldn’t give up easily, and because of this, I know He could bring me to my barest of knees. I pray that I would always be open to God’s pursuit of me, such that I need Him in the very best, joy-filled moments just as much as I’d cry out to Him in the darkest night.

If I knocked on the door to someone’s house and they answered, I would stand a chance of getting in. They might even welcome me. But if I knocked and knocked and knocked to no avail, and I came back and knocked some more without reply, I’d honestly get tired of knocking. It’s truly something that our God doesn’t tire of knocking like we do. But He does up the ante. He’ll call in the fire department to knock doors down if He has to. He’ll blow that door to pieces if He wants at a heart badly enough. And the mess might be messy–God’s not afraid of a mess. It just sure seems easier to answer the door and let Him in than to wait long enough that we’re on the floor beside ourselves, trying to piece the leftover bits of dust and our lives back together because it took that much to get our attention.

If God is knocking (and He might be politely quiet about it at first), it’s worth the time and energy to pull back the curtains on our lives, recognize Him, and let Him in. If He’s already pounding at your door and you’re hiding on the other side, there’s no harm in opening it up–His loving response is still the same. Just don’t let Him pull out the fireworks to get your attention. It might seem easier to wait until God is barreling you down to give Him the time of day, but I know from experience…the joy He’s offering is something you want to grab ahold of now. Fling the door wide open. You have nothing to lose but heaps upon heaps of life change and joy. And you have everything to gain.

just. open. the. door. i say it because i mean it. and because it’s the absolute most important thing i could say.

love,

mm

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charmed, with a view. (63)

There are days when you just need to put down the busyness of life to spend a few hours sitting across the table from a dear friend. Especially when you’re 37 weeks and 31 weeks pregnant, with three little ones at home between you, and the calendar is moving fast. Today was one of those days.

Sometimes (often) I look around and think to myself, “This is an undeservedly charmed life.” But there are plenty of things that arise and create challenges, heartache, tears, hurt…so I imagine God smiles when He looks over us and sees us truly savoring the good anyway–the marrow of life in the day to day. This particular charmed life comes by way of beautiful moments, opportunities to make the best out of the ordinary, and an increasing effort to be thankful in everything, whenever possible. I feel like there’s so much to appreciate about our regular, everyday experiences if we only try.

This is why I look back on yesterday–and an afternoon with my friends and all of our kiddos at the pool, and I think, “Man, are we blessed.” The fact that we would have the entire afternoon (and the chance to all be primarily stay at home moms together) is just a delight to me. And then to consider our surroundings, and schedules permitting us to enjoy a summer day–to watch all of our little ones enjoying time together, laughing and playing happily and healthily, is kind of surreal. I think I once imagined this life of mommyhood and wondered if I’d ever arrive here. But here is exactly where we are.

I won’t pretend that everything is always rosy, that I don’t lose my cool from time to time with my kiddo, or that we have perfectly flawless days. We don’t. But I’m still beyond grateful for what we do have, and for the dear friendships that I have the privilege of doing this alongside. It would be a lonely road otherwise…

So when I sit down to dinner with one of my very best friends (something we love to do, but don’t do as often as we’d love:), and I look out over a perfectly peaceful marina and the bay and all that goes with it, and we have an uninterrupted conversation for hours over delicious food, I just plain feel crazy-blessed. It’s easy in the routine of the day to day for us to do life alongside each other, but to be able to stop and not tend to the needs of little ones or think about to do lists…it’s just perfect. And tonight was perfectly timed. I didn’t know that I needed the outing, but I did need it. And I realized I missed my friend. We certainly celebrate the joy of having our kids in tow more often than not, but there’s something to be said for a chance to just catch up, to chat about the little things and big things, to compare notes on pregnancy woes without feeling guilty about it, and to support each other in the everyday, when we’re not serving lunch to a brood of hungry munchkins or keeping tabs on an energetic bunch at the pool. In a word, this evening was charmed. And the view didn’t hurt a bit either.

How do you know you’ve been friends with someone for nearly a decade? And that they’d be irreplaceable in your life? You know because you always pick up where you left off, without skipping a beat. And they hear you, and you, them, and you know each other’s hearts and don’t require a whole ton of back story. And you share food off of the menu at dinner and lose track of time. And then you deliver babies only weeks apart and do this parenting thing at the same time and love each other all the more for so many big life changes and seasons and years woven together like a rich fabric that gets prettier with age. And you come home refreshed and thankful, and ready to do it all over again the next time life permits.

Tonight was a gift to my heart, and a reminder that life is truly charmed when blessed with deep friendships and truth and a sense of being understood. I’m so thankful for my dear friend. And so grateful that our (still) growing bellies are growing together. Perhaps our newest wee ones will grow together in beautiful friendship, too.

full in all of the good ways,

mm

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what i know. (66)

There’s a point at which I’ve exhausted a conversation (and/or myself) such that I’m truly just out of things to say. As is the case tonight, after another day of processing what I was reeling about yesterday and still not feeling any great sense of resolution or direction. I can tell I’m going to have to be patient with this one–to allow it to run it’s course; to trust most substantially in our Creator and the Sustainer of the Universe…and of me.

This is a hard practice, but a good lesson.

God is in control and I am not. I don’t have much more than that to offer this evening. This should be utterly reassuring to me, but in my humanity, I’m being honest and saying that I really don’t love feeling out of control. I don’t know many who do. I’m hoping to overcome this in some small way, and soon.

I came across this today, and it pretty much sums up where I hope to rest tonight and in the days ahead. Here’s what I do know in the interim:

I know that I rocked my oldest baby almost to sleep tonight singing songs per his request, and that this new little bundle in my belly is active and moving around like crazy, painting invisible watercolor artwork on my insides right now. I know that we’re all home in the little blue house, that tomorrow will come no matter what, that the dishes in the sink will obligingly keep until I have the energy to get to them in the morning. I know that I am blessed and covered by a God who loves me unconditionally and without reservation. These truths are good and whole and make my disappointment and frustration fade a bit into the background if I try hard to swallow them both down.

Tomorrow may not be Wonderful Wednesday, but it is another fresh start and a shot at clearing my head a little more to push through the muck and mire.

to striking a balance, standing with confidence, and facing opposition with grace and courage…

mm

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two year old gratitude. (68)

So often our little ones are the very best reminders of what’s important in this life. Quite plainly, I had a completely spiritual experience tonight as Henry prayed his beautifully simple prayer before bed. His words always help me to see the world through childlike eyes and with a childlike faith–something I might miss if I didn’t have him to remind me daily that loving God is really best without all of the nonsense. As an adult, I think I can have a tendency to clutter things up too much sometimes. I have no doubt that Henry’s words to God are just as pleasing as a long-winded prayer I can offer (although I trust that God hears both equally and honors our efforts to seek Him regardless). I wish there were more days when my go-to prayer sounded like this:

Thank you for today.

Thank you for Mommy, and thank you for Daddy, and thank you for Henry.

Thank you for my stuffed animals…and my bed!

Thank you for my basket and thank you for my laundry.

Thank you for my Bible and my water…and thank you for my toys that I can play with.

Thank you for Daddy’s clothes, and Mommy’s clothes, and Henry’s clothes, and the baby’s clothes.

And thank you for the baby, and Kruger.

And please keep the baby healthy and safe. And thank you for everything.

Jesus. Amen.

Amen and Amen. I couldn’t agree more. I think about the passage in scripture that talks about the birds of the air and the flowers of the field–and how if God cares enough to look after them, how much more He must care for us as His sons and daughters. He cares enough to help us know in our hearts that our clothes and beds and water and toys all come from Him. And he cares enough to nourish us with His Word, and to bless us with family and provide all that we need…and then some more.

I am beyond thankful to see God cultivating a heart of gratitude in our little boy. We pray daily that God would move in Henry’s heart, and that he would know Christ more and more–and God cares enough to answer our prayers!

Lord, please help me to have a Henry-like faith, and to see things at face value and appreciate them for exactly what they are–your provision. We are so blessed to know you, and to be able to watch our child(ren) grow in you each day. Please be at work in our precious baby’s heart as well, even now, that he or she may grow to love and serve you in each and every day.

thank you for gratitude. and for sweet reminders of what matters. love.

mm