MollyMadonna.com

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across the pond.

I was talking with a friend this afternoon about an anniversary trip she’s planning with her husband for the Spring. Almost all talk of travel is delightful in my book, but this conversation tugged at my heart in a real and fresh way as I transported myself back to two places I know the celebratory couple will absolutely LOVE…Cape Town and Kruger National Park, South Africa.

Oh how I covet a teleportation device for these two, breathtaking and incredible places in the world. Jason and I spent our first anniversary in Cape Town and its surrounds, soaking up every last bit of the mountains and ocean, cityscapes and rolling winery hills. I’m all for new adventure, dreaming of new places anytime the possibility of travel comes up, but offer me a ticket to Cape Town and I’m headed back to the inspirational city in a heartbeat!

And Kruger National Park. In a word: otherworldly. There are only so many places on this planet where you can drive a few hours out of the city and suddenly lose yourself in the phenomenal reality of the wild as it exists in Kruger National Park. We took several retreat-like weekends to Kruger when we lived in Johannesburg, and it is one of my favorite places in the world. Kruger captured us so much that we had to come home and name our first dog after the place! Waking up early, early in the morning to hopefully catch a glimpse of a lion pride enjoying its hard work from the night before…starting out “on the hunt” for the elusive “Big Five” (lion, leopard, elephant, rhino and Cape buffalo) and spotting them all in a day’s drive…watching herds of zebra, antelope, wildebeest, elephant making their way across the landscape…taking a night drive to spot all that takes place after hours in the wild…camping within the park and reliving the day’s adventure over a South African braai…

I so miss the ways that we saw God daily in the raw, natural, creative beauty of the African continent. Our life, for now, is here in the U.S., but undoubtedly, we’ve left pieces of ourselves across the pond.

After thinking again today about all of my favorite experiences in SA, I couldn’t help but rifle through a few albums of photographs tonight to bring back even more memories. There are literally thousands upon thousands of photos from our time there–of the people, places and traditions we grew to love. A lot about living in Africa was difficult, sure, but when we look back, it’s hard not to stand in awe of what God allowed us to be a part of for that season of our lives.

A few of my favorite snapshots from Cape Town and Kruger:

relocated. if only for a moment,

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filling up days.

I am more absent here than I’d like as of late, and I know I’ll look back and wish that I’d somehow better documented all of the wonderful that is filling up my life right now. But the days are so full. And I go to bed SO late. And our growing boy gets up when he gets up–as all mothers reading this most definitely understand.

I am not complaining in the least bit, because truthfully, I love the moment in the morning when Henry’s head peeks over the side of his crib with those big eyes surveying the day and saying, “Hello, Mommy! I’m so glad to see you! And I’m SO hungry! Please pick me up so I can be all kinds of cuddly and lovey. It’s MORNING!!!” It’s pretty much the best thing ever…well, besides the snuggling before bed and all of the cozy in between. I looooooove being Henry’s mom. (But you knew that.)

So yes, the days are full, and full of all of the exact kind of things I imagined they’d be when I became a mom, plus a few more added in for good measure. I’m finding I spend little time on Facebook or browsing the internet or “window shopping” online anymore because there is little time to do it–and I’m grateful. Life has adjusted in such a way that I’ve swapped those things out for the fullness of one-on-one interactions with Hank and closer, more personal relationships with the moms, friends, family and world around me. It feels good. And at the end of the day, I am authentically and perfectly worn out. God is sustaining me each morning for whatever lies ahead of me in that 24 hour span of time. Thank goodness He is so attentive to my needs–even those in the categories of energy, patience, willingness, gratitude, rest, and peace on a daily basis. And his grace is the thing that gets me through to the next bit, and the next. We serve such a generous God!

Tonight, I have the chance to be in bed close to midnight, and I’m going to take it. I’m going to take it and run! But before I do, a few moments I have loved over the past few days and weeks…a few spaces where all of the grace and generosity and blessing pile up, sit at my feet, smile and gently say, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.” Oooooooh, life is so full of beauty I can hardly stand it sometimes. And I mean that in a very good way 🙂

full. oh so full.

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“don’t blink,” everyone always says.

Ok, it’s happening. And it’s weird, and I don’t know if I like it or what exactly to think about it, but…all of the tiny babes who were born this Spring alongside Henry are growing up! As if completely out of nowhere, they’re suddenly these little people who move and make amazing sounds and display remarkable levels of cognition, and WOW. I just suddenly feel like time sped up in one short moment.

Because I’m fairly certain that I was just meeting them all for the first time, and they were scrunchy and seemingly helpless and ohsoincredibly fresh from God in those early days. Now, while no longer scrunchy and murmur-y and such, they’re reminding us of how perfectly creative a God we serve in entirely new and refreshing ways. And I have loved both seasons.

Still, I’m completely in awe of the change.

I held a friend’s beautiful, perfect, tiny little three week old this morning and my heart skipped a few beats. He is just the cuddliest, coziest, warmest, sleepiest little being at the moment, and a few minutes with him on my shoulder was pure Heaven. How much must God delight in the newness and sweet vulnerability of a tiny babe? Already, Henry is in a completely new and dynamic stage of life, and I’m beginning to wonder how long I’ll have to wait before we step into that sleepless and marvelous space again with a someday brother or sister.

Time. There is plenty of time. But in the midst of watching newborns turn rapidly into five and six month olds, and as we celebrate the incredible new lives entering the world all around us (seemingly all at once:), it’s hard not to anticipate the process again. It was, after all, the most wonderful thing we’ve ever put our lives into. And he still, most certainly, is.

amazed,

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not the driver.

This morning while Henry napped, I got ready as usual and then tried to decide what one or two things to tackle before I expected him to wake up a short time later. I sorted and started a load of laundry, made the bed, wrote a commercial for work, sent a few emails, then checked to see if H was still breathing or lying awake in his crib in complete quiet. Nope, just sleeping. So I pondered squeezing in the dishes, making a phone call, sending a birthday text and folding some laundry…but not before a moment of clarity and the freeing decision to rid my life of Facebook for the week.

Here’s the thing of it: Facebook is an escape mechanism for me in far too many moments of the day. By nature of its convenient access on my phone, the habit of “just checking” sneaks in between activities with HD, while I’m nursing, before I fall asleep at night and generally whenever I have more than a minute (but less than 10) of downtime. I think I do this because I like to feel connected to the outside world while I’m at home with a very small person who does not yet make conversation. Facebook provides some sort of constant news reel into the daily lives of the people around me, and while I’m not often looking for the details of what’s happening across town or in someone else’s backyard, I am interested in the things that interest others–great links to intriguing websites, photos from the last historic wedding or vacation, queries about baby things and the delight of being new parents (as so many of our friends have become in recent weeks and months). Facebook creates the opportunity to share and interact without the necessity of scheduling twelve hundred coffee dates or lunches–it connects friends who would otherwise be at a distance and bridges the communication gap in all of our busy lives. And while I’m all for coffee dates galore and lunches penciled into plenty of squares on the calendar, let’s be honest. It would be impossible to connect with all of the same people we do on Facebook in actual, face-to-face conversation…or at least it would be impossible to do so nearly as often. So, yes. I like it. Admittedly, I’ve grown perhaps a little too attached to it in the quiet that has evolved around life as a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom. I used to interact with people in person all day long. And I miss it.

But truthfully, I’ve started to feel a bit strange about the way that I’m drawn to FB on the screen as soon as I open my computer. I’d rather check my news feed than my email, would rather catch up on photos of other people’s adorable children in photo albums than scrapbook all of the pictures piling up of our own. I think maybe I’ve lost a little bit of myself in the world of social networking, and I don’t even know when it happened.

This was a sobering realization this morning as I took a little time in the quiet just to think. I occurred to me that I’m always wishing for more time to handle the million things I either want or need to accomplish. Like blogging. Reading. Journaling. Sleeping. Working. Praying. (And not in that order.) There’s just so much I need–and I do mean need, to be about right now. And Facebook isn’t one of them. Yes, I absolutely want to connect with friends. Yes, I absolutely am interested in their lives, families, worries, excitements, and status updates. But my status as a spiritually and emotionally whole person is changing because I’m constantly discouraged about all I’ve needed to fit into one day and didn’t. And yes, I totally recognize this isn’t just about Facebook.

So today has been a lot about priorities, and about ways I can begin to curb my feelings of inadequacy on various levels in my daily life. When I made the decision to shut the Facebook window this morning and to sign off intentionally for at least a week, I immediately felt my spirit lift a little bit. It was freeing. One less thing that I have to keep up on throughout the day. I allowed myself to get into a habit that wasn’t necessarily harmful, but it wasn’t productive either. And now I’m going to break it.

As I went about the next 30 or so minutes of my morning before Hank woke up (Marathon nap today, little buddy. THANK YOU!), I felt like my mind was more clear and as though God was absolutely guiding me through my time. I’ve noticed quite regularly since H was born that if I desperately need to do or finish something before he wakes up, I have just exactly the perfect amount of time to complete the task. Then Henry, as if on cue, wakes up and lets me know I’m needed–not a moment too late nor a moment too soon. I’ve believed this is God’s way of blessing me with time on each occasion. And I believe without a doubt that it happened again today. I wanted to get a certain number of things done. I said a prayer. I had my little Facebook revelation, and I got to work. Darn if Henry didn’t sleep right up until I was finished with what I needed to do. God covered me and my time this morning, and I think it’s because I let Him drive. I’m certain I didn’t arrive at the conclusion to ditch Facebook all on my own–I like it too much. Instead, I just asked God to help me find time, and He did, right in front of me. Right where I needed it. As silly as it may seem, it’s a big deal to me. Life is a whole lot smoother a ride when I don’t always insist on driving.

handing over the keys this week, and hopefully the next…and the next…

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for today.

There are things I want to remember about today–good, life-giving, holy things that I don’t want to lose in the midst of other things that feel cloudy and defeating and strange. The little moments of the day that make it rich are absolutely worth celebrating, I think!

For today, I’m thankful to be home with our little babe, watching him grow and learn and find delight in the newness of life as he explores it. I’m grateful for friends, and for the way God orchestrates conversations and connectedness over amazing homemade salads at imperfect dining room tables. I’m clinging to Truth, and how it makes its way into spaces otherwise consumed by longing, fear, discontentment. And I’m blessed by time outside as a family on a beautiful, Summer night.

For the sweet little town where we live…

For the smiles Henry adds to other faces as we say hello and share in the joy of having him in our lives…

For made up songs and playtime and silly antics that light up his face and draw our connection as mom and baby ever closer all the time…

 

 

If I blinked too fast, I would miss this. All of this beauty around me in such important places in my life. If I let myself, I could bristle at the challenges, have a good cry over the losses, wish the days away always striving after the accomplishments I crave and have yet to reach. And it’s possible that I’ve done some of that today, at least for a few minutes. Still, I want to go to bed thankful. Thankful for what is right and true and lovely. Thankful for the way God created me to be driven toward wholeness and authenticity and to pursue them until I can grab them by the reins.

for today, i’ll cling to the little things, and to the steadfastness of a most holy Creator who helps me to embrace what is good,

mm