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stumblings and silver linings. (22)

In the interest of being real, and of capturing where I’m truly at on this pregnancy journey at the moment, I’m just going to say it: I’m nearing my max. This actually has very, very little to do with how I feel about continuing to carry a baby around in my belly, or even the physical implications of such as they bleed into each of these days. The baby, God has equipped me to handle. I feel the same way about the aches and pains and nagging symptoms of pregnancy. Those are fairly covered. I don’t have a whole ton of room for much else.

I’m not wanting to sound intolerant or whiny, so I hope that’s not what this honesty seems like on the page. But I’m also unable to pretend that I feel great about all that’s going on around me, or that I feel like I could handle a whole bunch more without something cracking a little beneath my feet. This is one of those hard parts that’s just going to be hard for a bit. I’m attempting my peace with it…saying it out loud helps a little as a place to start.

There’s a lot going on. Yep, we’re still totally blessed and have “first world problems” that are mostly manageable. And then there are things that aren’t resolvable overnight, things that will simmer (and have simmered), things that at nearly 37 weeks pregnant, I’m just not as good at dealing with right now as I am at other times. I want to be my best self in this season, but the fact of the matter is, my best isn’t the same right now. Pregnancy and motherhood to a toddler make it different, on top of the rest of the mix. I am leaning heavily on God for grace–not just to stand, but to enter into this welcoming season for the Button with some level of peace and calm and resolve and internal strength. I know that God can fill the gaps; I just feel like the gaps right now are more like major divots for Him to fill.

So life is imperfect and it continues to prove itself so, and I am imperfect and continue to prove myself so as well. After a week that has thrown us all in different directions geographically and left little time for recovery, several days of irritations like crazy-long (hour long?!) hold times on frustrating phone calls for various reasons, a body that is feeling the weight of these last weeks and experiencing new limitations with a toddler in tow, and some pretty challenging stressors that can only be bathed in prayer and left to wait, I’m attempting to stick to what I know and what works and what I’m able to impact safely and sensibly. This is a hugely trying thing for me and my fix-it, solve-it, resolve-it, and make it all look nice personality. Perfectionism is not actually my friend…

Where the wee one is concerned:

Someday down the road, little Button, know that in all of this, you have been at the forefront of my mind. In every moment. In every decision. As I look forward and plot out days and lists and plans and hopes, and as I do my best to squelch fear and look to God for truth and all of the good.

There is still so much good. I’m just digging harder to find it. And digging is proving a little less lighthearted these days, at this stage of the game. You are the silver lining, Button of mine. You and your sweet big brother. In all of it. Always the silver linings, my dears.

thankful for the good parts. pressed, but not crushed.

mm

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just a little random. (23)

I did something very unlike myself today and pulled into the McDonald’s drive thru. This, in and of itself, is a strange move for me. The next bizarre thing I did was order a chocolate chip frappé…yes–chocolate, dairy, and caffeinated coffee–all items I’ve pretty much scratched off the list in general, and particularly while pregnant. I don’t know what came over me besides heat and sheer exhaustion. Well, those and the fact that I’m almost full term. Pregnancy will do funny things to a girl.

I kept up the odd behavior for a while, as it took me less than 20 minutes to drink the deliciously-bad-for-me thing in its entirety. Something has surely thrown this girl a curveball. I’m not feeling too guilty about it tonight, although I contemplated guilt for a while. As I learned while pregnant with Henry, you can be unbelievably careful most of the time and then coast off course just a little bit here and there…and baby still comes out a baby–and a healthy one at that! Thank goodness. I’m am certainly imperfect in my choices, even though I work really hard to be careful.

I needed the little push today. I was dragging like crazy. An almost fully developed little person can have that impact, and I’m ok with it. Especially the “almost fully developed” part. Can’t wait, can’t wait to meet this baby (minus the 20ish days we know we will wait, which I’m good with :). I still have a “few” projects I’d like to tackle before then.

Last random tidbit of the day, and then this mama is headed to bed: The guy in the truck behind me in the drive thru today was wearing a black baseball cap that read, “I am the greatest” in giant white letters across the front. I kind of thought it was awesome. And it made me think about how I hope our kids feel that way as they’re growing up. Not in a self-centered sort of way, but just in the sense that they know how much they are loved and how important they are to us…and to God. There’s my little nugget of wisdom for the Button today. Truly. As much as I can joke about a silly hat, little one, please know that right now, and forever more, you really are the greatest YOU you could ever be. And we love you for it. Please keep pressing into God for direction, and trust that when you’re following Him, you can’t go wrong.

mama to the greatest baby currently filling up my belly,

mm

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naps and blueberries. (26)

Today was a napping house kind of day–a Monday following a busy weekend, where everyone in the house was extra sleepy and nothing called us away from these four walls. I’m quite grateful. We needed a down day, and although there will probably be plenty of those in the weeks to come, it was especially sweet to embrace the quiet time with HD while we wait for baby no. 2 to join us. We read books, had a slow moving breakfast, watched a little Sid the Science Kid and Sesame Street. Henry kept me company while I worked on further organizing my closet (did you know that shoe organizers make sweet multi-level garages for matchbox cars?), and we both napped for nearly three hours this afternoon. The rest was most welcome and fairly essential.

Then tonight, Henry got to head out on a sweet adventure with our amazing neighbors, and I got to enjoy the grocery store all by myself. I know that “enjoy” and “grocery store” don’t quite go together, but it was a huge blessing to be able to get there and back somewhat quickly, to shop with a small cart, and to keep my mind on my list and not much else. Meanwhile, Henry had a blast blueberry picking for the first time. I’m so thankful that our sweet friends didn’t mind capturing some photos for me (and even a little video) so I didn’t totally miss out on H’s experience 🙂

so intent. and content. i love this.

so intent. and content. i love this.

Sending Henry off tonight was a little foreign to me, but also a great step as I continue to grow more and more in trusting God’s protection and covering over our little man. If anyone was going to take Henry somewhere, he was in the exact right hands tonight. And my worry has nothing at all to do with the people I entrust him to–it has everything to do with my desire to protect him 110% and to be sure that he is safe and sound at all times. This has been an ongoing journey for me, as I’m sure it will be again with this next sweet bundle and whole new life to look after and hold dear. Still, nights like tonight are an important exercise–especially as God shows His faithfulness and returns Henry to me safely, with a big beaming smile across his face and the joy that comes with venturing out a little on your own. It’s good for everyone, and even in the harder moments where I just want to protect our babies forever, I’m learning to remind myself that this is true.

Really, our neighbors are just some of the greatest people God has put in our life in this season, and I feel like He uses them all of the time to remind me of His attentiveness to our hearts. Tonight, when I probably really needed a mommy break and the grocery shopping really needed to happen, God orchestrated a beautiful outing for H and two incredibly gracious and fun-loving people to provide the experience. On nights like tonight, I’m able to step back and really see God’s handprint on the day, and also His gentle nudging to let go and allow Him to move. Even in the simplest things like uninterrupted naps and freshly ripened blueberries, God is always showing up and making Himself known. I pray He’ll always do that in my life, and that I’ll always be open to seeing Him and trusting Him as life comes.

big blueberries and two year old joy.

big blueberries and two year old joy.

happy to trust in the Lord tonight. taking each day as it comes,

mm

ps: baby has been dancing in my belly like crazy today, and definitely making a move. do we really have 26 more days to go? time will tell, but this mama thinks we might be in for another incomplete 100 day countdown. and i can’t say i’d mind. maybe another 20 days or so? that ought to give us enough time to feel a bit more settled. can you mail order a due date, naturally? 😉

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whoa, baby. (30)

How did we get here, little Button? The countdown is at 30 days, which means you’re almost in the world and I’m in awe of how much life is going to change very soon. I really cannot wait to meet you. The thought of it gets more exciting every day. So many of my reflections on the day of your arrival have changed over the past few weeks–from spots of anxiety and worry about our care provider and possible hospital scenarios, to a little bit of hesitation at feeling unprepared to welcome you, to now. Not a whole lot has changed besides our doctor (which feels like a very, very good thing that’s buying me peace), but somehow my heart is entering a space that feels much more ready and healthy and whole about that day and what it will look like. I know this probably doesn’t mean a whole lot to anyone else at the moment, but for me, it means that I know God is preparing your mama for the big, beautiful day that you’ll be born. And I think it probably means that people around us are covering our little family in prayer right now over this very thing, which is humbling and wonderful and perfect.

Something I’ve learned over the past few weeks little one (while life has been trying and harder than I’d like to admit), is that it’s necessary and ok to lean into the body of believers around us for strength. I’ve asked a lot of people to be praying for us, and God is honoring and answering those prayers. See, the thing is kiddo, we’re not supposed to do this alone–not any one of us. And when we can’t always see the road ahead for ourselves, sometimes we need to enlist the vision and strength of others for the journey. People say it takes a village to raise a child. I think it just might take a “village” to usher one peacefully into the world as well.

You are already so blessed and dearly loved, sweet babe. Not only do your mama and daddy and big brother think the world of you, but we are surrounded by family and friends who are going to love you to their fullest capability. Isn’t that amazing?! You aren’t quite here yet, but you’re beginning to feel so tangible and close and essential to the fabric of our lives. We love you more than you will ever possibly know.

Tonight you’re a bundle of energy and life inside my belly…dancing to music that your daddy’s playing, reminding me that you’re so very present here and getting stronger every day. I have so many curiosities about who you are, and I’m so excited to find out! These last days will be some of the very sweetest as we move ever closer to your beautiful arrival!

can’t wait, can’t wait,

mama

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a little love for the button. (31)

This morning, almost our whole play group and all of our kiddos gathered at a nearby park to have lunch together and to celebrate the Button. In a way it almost feels strange that baby’s arrival is close enough to shower, but with only 4.5ish weeks to go, it was perfect timing. I love these mamas and their little ones, and it has been sweet to share in the joy of each of our new arrivals as they’ve all been born. We started out with six moms and kiddos in play group, added another mom and her son, and then let time runs its course. Since we began gathering well over a year ago, four of the seven of us have had a second baby. The Button will be munchkin number 12 in the group, and no doubt #13 and #14 will follow close behind. We’ve started to joke that we’ll have to meet in public places only, or that the group will eventually need to divide into two smaller bunches to manage our growing crowd.

It was a good deal of fun to watch our two year olds interact today as they ran around together, up steps and down slides, round and round in the wood chips and grass. They’ve all changed so much–even though it seems like mere minutes since they were all under one, they’re now talking and having little conversations, interspersed between sharing and paling around like old friends.

Between manning the littles and trying to catch up with each other on the latest since our last group gathering, it was a busy morning. And it was a beautiful one. The weather was more spring-like than summery, we had a delightful lunch to celebrate baby (PB&Js shaped like onesies, fruit salad, blueberry zucchini muffins, cheese, crackers, and pink and blue rice crispy treats), and Henry and I had fun opening up some lovely gifts for his soon-to-arrive brother or sister. It’s such a humbling thing to be celebrated, and the whole morning was a sweet reminder of community–and of the friendships God has blessed me with on this journey of motherhood.

Even though we still have plenty we’d love to do before baby gets here, I’m feeling super grateful that there are few things we know for sure no matter when baby comes. He or she is already so loved and wanted here. We are surrounded by amazing friends and family who will help us to usher in this new life, and there’s no way our world won’t be better and changed by such a sweet little addition. I can’t wait to wash baby’s new blankets and items from today that will make his or her arrival feel even more tangible and close!

thankful for all that God provides!

mm