MollyMadonna.com

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hey, mommy! (47)

Among other things lately, Henry has discovered his incredible ability to persist. In everything. This is both beautiful and challenging, as any parent who has weathered life with a two year old can attest. I want so badly to have the patience at all times to endure his determination, but there are moments when it’s just plain hard.

As I write this, H is upstairs crying in his bed because he “just wants to cry.” This, after about ten minutes of him repeating “Hey, Mommy!” and other things to get my attention. We’re not ignoring him, I promise. We’ve both been upstairs and to the bottom of the stairs to reply to his requests, but we’re just not breaking through to the common understanding that it’s bedtime, and that he needs to give in at the end of this day. The cries keep coming, and his tactics are clever.

“My arm hurts. You want to kiss it.”

“I need my animals back on.” (his music and animal pictures projected on the ceiling.)

“I need my covers back on.”

“You want to come see me.”

What’s a parent to do when a child’s persistence is so amazingly strong? Sometimes we oblige and head upstairs to quell the stream of toddler requests coming over the monitor. Often we take deep breaths. Regularly we just have to laugh together from our posts on the couch, when peace and quiet would be so welcome at the end of the day.

I’ve just gone upstairs after the crying escalated to hysterics, and on this particular night, all H wanted (for the moment) was a kiss to make his arm feel better. I covered him back up, put his animals back on the ceiling, and told him I was going downstairs. “That makes me happy!” he said, in his sweetest, most high pitched tone. He hasn’t made another peep.

“That makes me happy, too, munchkin,” I think to myself. Tonight is going to be a long night (in a good way), and I’m looking forward to a teensy bit of time with my feet up on the couch before I get back to work. (More on this later:)

Oh, being two. It can be so hard. And so wonderful. I wouldn’t change it, but I do have to pray about it a lot.

leaning on grace,

mm

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good things take time. (48)

As I write this, my 400th post at mollymadonna.com, I am reminded of how most things in life that matter take time. Writing matters to me, and documenting thoughts for my children matters to me, but I certainly couldn’t push through a history of blog posts in one evening. 400 posts have taken me the better part of three years to write. Clearly, I haven’t been diligent to blog every single day, or to just hop on the blog whenever a thought crossed my mind. There are a lot of unexpressed ideas in and amongst 400 entries–things I’ve wanted to say and didn’t, things I’ve wanted to say and couldn’t, things I haven’t wanted to say at all, but that matter somewhere in my heart.

All of this time has passed, and for it, there are tangible things to show: three pregnancies, the birth of our first munchkin, this season of being full with child now. Changes in our home, adjustments in our jobs, new friends, deepened relationships, joy, loss, sorrow, healing, growth at the ready. Some of it is written here, and some is tucked away for another day. Regardless, I hope that those who have journeyed with me here have felt included, welcomed, free to be authentic, relieved sometimes at the normalcy of my humble little life and family. Sharing a part of myself is both a blessing and a joy. 

So much of what I have always wanted has been a process of baby steps and patience and slow but tangible progress. Carrying babies, certainly. Obtaining my doula certification. The ever-changing shape of our home and how we use it to the fullest in different seasons. Building deep and lifelong friendships. Learning various skills. Honing my ability to be grace-filled and gracious, slow to anger, rich in love. All of the most important things in life (for me) have taken time. Good, valuable, stretched out time. There’s no use rushing what is good. And I’ve learned over the years that if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it’s not, I can either force it and arrive at a result I don’t love, or mourn it for a while and let it go. The latter seems to be less painful in the long run. I’m still practicing. 

I don’t know if I would have guessed a decade ago that this life would be my life. In fact, I suppose I’m certain I had no idea. And there’s been so much beauty and surprise and redemption in it that I can’t possibly look back and question whether God has had his hand on me the whole time, quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) guiding my steps. I haven’t always chosen the easy road, but the hard roads have taught me invaluable lessons I go back to again and again. Growing in Christ and marriage and motherhood and friendship have all seasoned me in ways I can’t regret. I know that God is doing a work in me, and my hands are open and facing upward, longing to be led by the One who knows me best and knows what’s best for me. 

I still have a lot to learn. 

But I’m thankful. Thankful that here, there is a record of so much of the growth and shaping I’ve encountered in the past three years–the past 400 posts. And I’m thankful that this space is still and open book, with plenty more room for page after page of (hopefully) valuable reflection, even if I’m the only one thumbing back through chapters here after a time. 

Another 47 posts from now, I’ll be writing about our newest addition and all of the joy that he or she is bringing, so fresh in our lives, or I’ll be doing my best to practice patience as we await his or her arrival. Either way, more growth, more change, more of this life, here for the savoring. Certainly, it’s all worth celebrating, even if the party is here on the page and I’m the only one marveling at the blessing of it all. If you’re here, consider this your cordial invitation to join me!

love from this two dimensional, communal space. and my heart.

mm 

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grace spottings. (49)

Today felt like the third Saturday of this four day weekend, and I am certainly not complaining. We just needed a little extra injection of family time around here, plus the chance to get a few more things done than we can normally fit between a Friday and a Monday. The fourth was enjoyable, as I mentioned previously, and yesterday was a good mix of relaxing and productive. Today was very much a Saturday…coffee shop, farmer’s market, grilling out for dinner, a few errands and things around the house. Everyone got a little nap in, and Henry stayed up late (perhaps this is more a summer thing than a Saturday thing…). We’re heading into Sunday with still more we hope to pack into the weekend, but a good amount of things checked off the list and a healthy balance of fun things and to do’s in our 72 hour history.

I’m still on my kick to discover grace and, consequently, gratitude each day this week. And I’m glad I gave it a week’s timeframe, because I feel like the exercise has just become more of a habit than a whim, which is certainly a grace-filled reality in and of itself. Tomorrow will wrap up a week of trying to park in God’s presence in the everyday, and I am none the worse for it.

So where has grace been abundant today? Where has God’s hand been most evident to me in the small things? For one, our little man has been an extension of God’s encouragement to me all day. I know he’s two, and that he picks up on things like a tape recorder and then sticks with what works, but he was just such an encourager from sun up to sun down! I can’t help but melt a little when he snuggles close and says things like, “You’re beautiful mommy!” or “I’m your buddy,” or “You’re my best friend!” I know we’ll have days when I miss these comments and the way he was so snuggly and loving, but I will take them for all they’re worth now. So grateful to God for blessing us with a good and close relationship from the very start!

More grace sightings? The farmer’s market and all of its fresh, colorful, organic goodness. All of God’s creative Creation pouring out of baskets and spilling over crates that bless my heart as we wander every Saturday and Wednesday morning. Henry loving the musicians and street artists, running into sweet friends, gathering up a bunch of bright and cheery flowers at a bargain to bring home and liven up the table. Eating cherries and blueberries straight out of pint containers and watching my little one enjoy them even more than I do. I’m so thankful that we have something as vibrant and life giving as this in our community on a regular basis.

And then, the visit with a high school friend who came to town with her husband and little one. We haven’t seen each other in at least a decade (but probably longer). Here our kiddos are, running around one another downtown on a sunny, summery day while we catch up and reminisce and enjoy being in the same space, even if briefly. It’s a gift that God brings relationships around and around in our lives! That, following last night’s meal and beach visit with other long-time friends in town, and my heart is so full! Another set of friendships from a different decade and still, there we were, catching up and loving our time together–celebrating all of the good in each other’s lives all this time later. Blessed.

A meal made up of all local and organic and fresh goodies tonight–delightful. Seeing the joy in our munchkin’s face as we praised him for making a step towards a milestone tonight–motivating. Feeling the wee one kick and roll and move so distinctly in my belly as I dream toward seven(ish) weeks from now and how we’ll get to meet that sweet face–perfect.

So much goodness, and so much grace in all of it. My gratitude is nearly constant, my heart overflowing at what God can do. Life is imperfect, certainly, and I don’t want to paint a false picture that everything is always easy or dreamy or the like. But it is pretty grand, in that we are able to depend on a magnificent Creator who loves us enough to show us the blessings He has for us in the day to day.

I can’t ask for more than that, really. He is just so, so good.

heart full. belly full. spirit full. mind full. mindful.

mm

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happy 4th. (51)

henry's first sparkler.

henry’s first sparkler.

As you can see, we take celebrating the 4th of July quite seriously around here 🙂 Today was good and full of all of the things I could hope for on this bright and noisy holiday…family time, great friends, summery food, splashing in the pool, watching kiddos run around, squirt guns, swing sets, cookie ice cream sandwiches, H’s first sparklers and poppers, lots of cuddling, and brilliant fireworks. The boys are upstairs capping off the day with their first ever campout in H’s room. Daddy built a tent out of sheets, Henry grabbed his lantern, and all is quiet over the monitor. Presumably, they’re both exhausted after an action packed and fun filled day. As for the Button and me? We’re staying up just a bit longer, riding out the sugar rush from this evening’s delish dessert.

nearly thirty three weeks, and loving every bite of this homemade, peanut butter chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich.

nearly thirty three weeks, and loving every bite of this homemade, peanut butter chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich.

It’s been a great day, made better by all of the bouncing and squirming in my belly as the fireworks lit up the night sky. No doubt this little one will love the 4th just as much as his or her brother–Henry was wide eyed and delighted by the display tonight, and his excitement was absolutely worth the few extra hours we kept him awake! Hopefully, both boys will sleep in tomorrow morning, and this mama can get a little extra rest, too. All of this summer celebrating has me tuckered out in the very best way.

happy 4th to you. hope you had an equally enjoyable, colorful, flavorful, patriotic day!

mm

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eyes to see. (54)

Last night I shared that I’d be working extra hard this week to see where God had His hand in my days, and this morning when I woke up, the challenge was on. I don’t know if it was the last few rough hours of sleep that got me, or more the crazy avalanche of thoughts and stressors that flooded my mind as soon as my feet hit the floor, but by the time I finished getting ready I was sort of freaking out. Often, I think that when we come out and say we’re going to be intentional where God is concerned, the enemy gets a bit nervous. My self-commitment last night must have been intimidating on some count, because I was under major oppression as the day began.

And then I started to pray.

First I asked God to get me through getting ready without losing my mind. The to do list and the hard things were piling on strong at that point, and I didn’t feel like I could clear my head for more than a second. Then I asked Him to stretch out my morning so I’d have time to just get quiet and focus on Him. I desperately needed time to pray today. I really, really needed H to sleep in.

Now, I’m no magician, but God is a prayer answerer. I finished getting ready and tiptoed downstairs with my fingers crossed. I settled into the couch with a few devotionals I’ve been dabbling in lately, a pencil, and a glass of water. And then God showed up. Or maybe I should say, God kept showing up. The little one was sound asleep as 8:30 rolled around…8:45…9:00am. I was soaking in as much Truth in the Word as I could, as fast as I could, and I was praying for a change in the day.

It didn’t take long for peace to fall over me. I had to fight writing out my list of to dos–wanting so badly to pour them out of my head onto paper, but I felt convicted just to let God work. I read about letting God take control of the day, about letting gratitude lead our steps. I wrote out a prayer of thanksgiving for practice. I focused on the good. And my mood and outlook changed. By the time Henry woke up, things were already flying off of the to do list that I’d eventually had the chance to write. And I was in a much better place to greet him and his needs, and to be the mom I didn’t wake up feeling like an hour and a half prior.

I love God’s version of time.

The rest of the day was a mix of good and bad, but let me tell you…I would not have had the capacity to deal with the harder things if I hadn’t had that quiet time this morning. God’s fingerprints have been all over this day. As H ran freely through the near empty mall on an errand, as we wandered through the library, stopping to look at fish and turtles 100 times, as we blew bubbles in the front yard waiting for daddy to get home from work this afternoon…time. stood. still. This would not have been my M.O. today without God’s intervention. I’ve had impatient moments today, too, don’t get me wrong. Several of them. But in the midst the day has been beautiful, and I’m so, so grateful once again.

On a baby note, I had an unplanned mini-ultrasound this afternoon and had the chance to see our sweet little one’s face. A totally welcome and perfect surprise in the day! Suddenly, it’s as if I know for sure I’ll instantly recognize him or her the moment baby is born. I feel better connected, and definitely more at peace after a whirlwind few weeks on the pregnancy front. I’m totally in love. The Button is doing great–moving around constantly and hiccuping sweet hiccups on the monitor as I watched in awe. The Lord is so gracious to us!

In a nutshell, today has been a good day. I don’t know if I would have seen it that way if I hadn’t asked for fresh eyes this morning, but God granted me my request. There’s nothing quite like knowing that He hears and sees us, and that He loves us enough to answer even our smallish prayers.

gratitude doesn’t quite touch it, but awe comes close. better for this day,

mm