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q&a with eloise. (28)

“i jus wuv dat baby in day-uh,” (I just love that baby in there) Eloise said as she laid down her head on the pillow tonight. “I can’t wait to be a big sista!” Above most everything else, this has been the topic of conversation with our baby girl for the past number of weeks or months, and it’s crazily endearing. I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but E does not get through a single prayer time without reminding us to pray and thank God that she gets to be a big sister. Every meal, every bedtime. My heart is so full at the thought of her holding this baby for the first time–it’s hard not to anticipate the joy.

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Growing up so fast.

A few weeks back, I asked Henry some questions, interview style, about becoming a big brother again. Today was Eloise’s turn, and she apparently enjoyed the process, because she kept asking me for more questions as I’d finish up. Here are her candid thoughts on the big change that’s coming soon in her world.

  1. How do you feel about becoming a big sister?  “Good. Yes.”
  2. Why? “Cuz I wike to hewep it. Pway if it. Uhhh, feed it.” (Because I like to help it. Play with it…)
  3. Is there anything that you’re worried about? “Ummmm, no.”
  4. Do you want the baby to be a boy or a girl? “A guwl.” (A girl.)
  5. If you have a sister, what will you name her? “Uh, Anna.” (As in, Frozen.)
  6. What is the hardest thing about waiting for baby? “Mmmm, lemme sink about it. Waiting to pway wif it. Waiting to feeding and pway wif it.” (Lemme think about it. Waiting to play with it…)
  7. What are you excited to do with the baby? “Eh…wock it.” (Rock it.)
  8. What makes you a great big sister? “Ummm, wubbing da baby’s back.” (Rubbing the baby’s back.)
  9. Is there anything else you want me to know about the baby? “Yeah. Wemme fink about it. I finked about putting it on the couch. Just bwinging toys ova and pwaying if it. Wike deez animows dat ahh squishy.” (Lemme think about it. I thinked about putting it on the couch. Just bringing toys over and playing with it. Like these animals that are squishy (holds up a plastic blowfish from her sea animal set).
  10. What story will you read to the baby? ” Uhh, I wiw weed Fancy Nancy. And Fwozen.” (I will read Fancy Nancy and Frozen.)
  11. What song will you sing to the baby? “I fink Sophia. Mmhmm. I wiw. How about Fwozen? Anything fwozen I can get it? Fwozen ice packs?” (I think Sophia (the First). Mmhmm. I will. How about Frozen? Anything frozen I can get it? Frozen ice packs?)
  12. Where should we take baby first? “Um, Disney Wu-oud. I was going to say coffee shop. AAAND Disney Wu-oud.” (Disney World)
  13. What do you want to teach the baby? “Um, ha-ut backpack. And Disney Wu-oud. And putting it in the toy stwhoa-wah. (Heart backpack. And Disney World. And putting it in the toy stroller.)

I’ll love asking Eloise to weigh in on these areas again once she’s navigated the whole big sister gig for a bit. I imagine there will be plenty of fun in the experience for her, but I’m also praying for peace in her heart as she works through the harder changes that are coming, too.

I’m so thankful that the kids are at ages where they can both process so verbally about baby on the way. I can say with assurance that some of their thoughts and feelings are surfacing in different ways, too, but being able to talk about it has been so good. They both reflect on how we’re making room, on sharing things with the baby, and on what it will be like for me to go to the hospital and stay there with baby for a few days. It’s sweet that they want to understand it all as much as they can.

The countdown is finally real and tangible for their hearts to grasp, which makes everything that much more real for us as parents, too. These remaining days are sweet gifts with our first babies as our third grows and grows. Not much room to go in this belly anymore…it all feels quite within reach!

soon and very soon…

mm

 

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defying gravity. (29)

“Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep…It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!” -Defying Gravity, Wicked

September, I like you already. Every year you are full of promise, and every year, you bring about change. Already, not 24 hours in, you are hopeful and moving forward, your reputation of harvest welling up in the air, in the orchards, and tucked away inside this rounded belly of mine.

***

I so love how God has ordered our lives in this way, that each of our babies has come in a month and season that feels exactly right for who they are and how they fit into our world and family. I expect this little September babe to be no different.

Henry was most definitely a bountiful, colorful spring after a long and wearing winter. He brought life into our family, and drew me out of myself and into a world of growth and hope. He was a breath of fresh air for all of us.

Eloise arrived in the heat of the summer–fast and determined and full of vigor. Her entrance into our family was celebratory and almost easy going, and although she also has a serious, thoughtful side, she is lighthearted and go with the flow and all kinds of sunshine.

This baby tucked away right now has been so mysterious to me in ways, but he or she is becoming a settling child who has challenged me to push through hardships to discover the sweet–who most certainly represents a harvest season for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually as my faith stretches and grows. God planted a seed in my heart about this precious life long ago, and to think that it is coming forth so soon is a little surreal.

Precious babe at 36 weeks.

Precious babe at 36 weeks.

Like autumn arriving on the heels of summertime, there is a bittersweetness in saying goodbye to generous time and undeserved freedoms and carefree adventures. But when we trade summer for fall, we also trade lack of routine for stability; we trade the warmth of the sun for the coziness of settling in. And maybe trade is the wrong word altogether, because in any case, autumn trails summer so beautifully, and everyone seems ready for its syncopation when it gets here.

This baby bean is keeping time for me, bringing me so gracefully toward change in ways I’ve not even realized until now. And suddenly, with a due date within reach and this pregnancy winding down, I feel like I can say “yes” to what’s coming without the reservations that had previously held me down.

***

After weeks of praying, turning myself upside down (literally and figuratively), chiropractic adjustments and not-so-comfortable massages multiple times a week, summersaults and handstands in the pool, bouncing on an exercise ball each night, always laying on my left side, bags of frozen peas on my belly, shining flashlights to get baby’s attention, and doing my very best not to worry but worrying anyway, I went to the doctor today to discover that baby has indeed settled into a vertex position. Of course there is still time for moving around again, but I am confident that we are on our way to the type of birth I have prayed for and dreamed of for so long.

Speaking life and truth over this baby and pregnancy, my heart and mind have shifted in these past few weeks. Instead of hanging on challenging stories and what ifs and best possible outcomes in scenarios that leave me unsettled, I have finally been able to open up my hands and dive into trusting the Creator who entrusted this life to me in the first place.

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I have no doubt that all of my physical shenanigans to attempt a baby flip have helped in their own way, but credit goes to God answering prayer and ordering my body in the way that He designed it to work. He has been pursuing my heart in a major way, and I have (once again) been on a journey of letting go and shedding my unbelief in exchange for peace and trust that His word is true and His ways are best. (If only I could hold onto that lesson in every life circumstance and not need to relearn it every time!)

There are so many unknowns in this lifetime–and in pregnancy, as with all things. We dance on the edge of assuredness and joy, contrasted with feelings of curiosity and sometimes, doubt, as we navigate so much we cannot see.

If pregnancy is not about faith in a higher power and miraculous things taking shape every single day within us, I don’t know what is. And God has given us authority here on earth to take ownership of our greatest, deepest desires and hopes through His Word and through prayer, and then offers us the privilege of glorifying Him when our hearts find peace and our arms cradle new life.

The harvest is plenty. Welcome, sweet September and all you will bring.

changed,

mm

 

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firsts. (30)

Today was a good day. We embarked on a few firsts (namely, kindergarten) and I think the experience might have even exceeded expectations. Henry was so excited for his first day at his new homeschool collaborative this morning, making it (mostly) easy to drop him off without a tear (mine) at school.

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Eloise was a quite downtrodden about having Henry gone for the day, which reaffirmed my inclination that our kiddos really do thrive when they’re together. I’m so thankful for this option to have Henry in a school setting with great teachers, classmates and families, but to still have him home most days of the week for now.

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Eloise and I headed out on a few little mommy and Ella Belle firsts of our own…she was eager to spend time out and about and not at home without Henry, which was endearing and ended up being a great way to share our first day in a new routine. We stopped for coffee and a treat, and then got our nails polished (which feels like a manicure to a three year old. Win!) together for the first time downtown.

A little lunch at home and face time with Gramma, and it was already time to collect Henry again. The reunion was sweet as both kiddos wanted to catch each other up on the excitement of their days. The afternoon was fairly peaceful–everyone was happy to be back together in the nest again for the rest of the day.

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I have been coasting on some crazy level of ambition and energy for the past few days, but this afternoon, I just kind of fizzled out. Par for the course, but tonight I’m really ready for bed after falling asleep once already when I first sat down to these keys. It’s grand to be motivated at the stage of pregnancy, but it’s probably all the better to be realistic that there’s a difference between how much I want to do and how much I actually can do right now. I’ll spend the next few weeks trying to strike a good balance, I’m sure.

Tonight, the house is quiet while tuckered out kiddos sleep and Jason and I work away at respective projects before bed. I am so glad to be here in this anticipatory space, where life hasn’t yet changed but it’s on the horizon. It’s so timely to be coming into a new phase of life at the same time that the air is slanting slightly cooler and the leaves are beginning to turn. Tomorrow welcomes September. That feels beautiful in and of itself. I’ve never been quite so excited for fall as I am this year. There’s much to look forward to, and firsts around every corner.

easing our way into the newness of things,

mm

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just keep swimming. (33)

I like Dory. In spite of her lack of short term memory, she’s pretty wise. Can you hear her humming to herself right now? “Hmm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hmmmm, hmmmm.” She approaches life with joy, excitement, possibility, and plenty of hope. Who wouldn’t love to be a little more like Dory some days?

My memory is ridiculous right now, so I’m channeling my inner Dory on multiple fronts. Laundry in the wash? Oh, that’s right. Plenty of x,y or z in the house but I put it on the grocery list anyway? Yep. It’s not even all that frustrating, really. Just funny to be so out of my own mind in moments that I can think about the deep, detailed things, but not the small, everyday things. That’s pregnancy and motherhood and life and summer talking all at once.

Just keep _____ could be my motto for everything right now:

Just keep resting. Just keep organizing. Just keep having patience with yourself. Just keep loving your kids well. Just keep praying. Just keep showing up. Just keep swimming…

Yes, even swimming is on the list these days. Ask the kiddos. I did as many summersaults and handstands in the pool today as I could. (We’re going to get this baby in the right position, yet, I tell you.)

And you know what? Of all of the things I’ve done this weekend to move us along in the right direction toward baby? I think swimming with the kids was probably the winner. I didn’t even want to go, honestly. I mean, 35.5 weeks pregnant and a swimsuit aren’t my favorite duo. But it was too hot to stay out of the water, so in I went. And I had some of the best, most treasured times with H and E that I’ve had all week…maybe longer. They thought mom doing summersaults in the pool was awesome (it doesn’t take much to impress, I guess). But we laughed and splashed and the sun and water were good for all. I only wish I could ask baby what he or she thought of my antics, but time will tell.

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Just keep swimming. This applies to me, but I imagine it applies to you, too, in whatever season you’re facing right now. Just keep doing the thing that moves you forward, whether it’s big or small. Put on that swimsuit and jump into the pool–literal or figurative, without caring what you look like to anyone else, and so as not to miss out on what life might have for you in the next moment.

Keep on. Dory would agree, I’m sure of it.

hmm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hmmmm, hmmmm,

mm

 

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new views (and avenues). (35)

I never imagined I’d say this, but I’m homeschooling Henry this fall. Not only that…I’m actually excited about it.

I don’t know why I didn’t consider homeschool an option for so long; I think I’ve just not seen myself as one who would enjoy teaching my own children in a more structured way…until now. I also grew up in a time (or area, maybe?) when/where homeschooling had a negative stigma attached to it, and I didn’t like the idea of fitting into the unfavorable stereotype I’d built up in my mind.

Fast forward to this past spring, when I started thinking through the dynamics of our fall season, with twice-daily commutes to Henry’s school (20ish minutes away), baby arriving just after the start of the school year, and Henry out of the house for the majority of the day, Monday to Friday. There were pieces of our family puzzle that weren’t fitting together well, and these three realities were among them.

Making the choice to teach Henry at home for his kindergarten year was not one we took lightly. We spent weeks (months, actually) talking through possible options, and I talked with many friends who are in the midst of homeschooling themselves, looked through various curricula and materials, corresponded with Henry’s current school at the time, and prayed for clarity and peace over such a big decision.

It took a good while for me to arrive at that place of peace. Now that I’m there though, I feel like this is the exact right thing for Henry (and for all of us) as we look to the start of the school year again.

This kid. Such a bright spot in our lives and growing so fast. Kindergarten!

This kid. Such a bright spot in our lives and growing so fast. Kindergarten!

My approach to the idea of homeschooling was, at first, to panic a little inside about all of the options and how to choose the exact right plan and the exact right tools. How was I going to homeschool if I didn’t know where to begin? I’ve learned quickly though, that what works best in my case is to actually just begin, period—letting pieces fall into place more organically as we think about kindergarten, and considering what kids need most at the age of five and at this stage in Henry’s education.

I’m excited that his learning in the upcoming year will be focused on exploration, quality time spent in his areas of interest, and intentional focus on a few subjects that will prepare him for his academic years to come. I’m also thrilled that this direction allows us to preserve what feels like a more balanced pace as a family. As we all adjust to becoming a crew of five, and as we spend mornings learning together at home, I’m looking forward to days when the kids can learn together through play while still cozy in pajamas. I’m craving the times when we sit, curled up on the couch, diving into stories together for an hour or two. The idea truly brings me joy.

The thought of not shuffling a new baby in and out of the cold for daily drop offs and pick ups in the coming months is also a settling one. It feels right to be choosing our own pace at this juncture as we learn to navigate life and family in new ways.

There’s plenty more I could share about this journey for us, and I likely will as it unfolds. We’ve been able to build in some wonderful connection points for Henry already, and while our weeks will look different than a traditional kindergarten path, he will not lack for activities or stimulation or social interaction with peers on any level. He’ll even have Spanish in the mix, which was something I was really sad about missing in the transition from his immersion program. Things are falling into place.

I love that we’re able to blend the interests of our entire family together in this decision, and I’m eager to learn and to grow in my capacities as a mom, while adding the role of teacher more officially to my plate. More to come!

sharpening pencils for the annual bouquet,

mm