MollyMadonna.com

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Little Moments. (31)

I’ll start right out the gate and say that I’m not feeling like I have a ton to share tonight. Some days are just better for my mind frame than others, and as the day has gone on, I’m feeling more uncomfortable and less inspired. At least that’s an honest and accurate representation of where we are coming up on 36 weeks along.

Today had some beautiful moments in it for sure, and I don’t want them to get lost in the discomfort. E had a great day at camp and can’t wait to go back. C and I had the chance to head to the beach this morning with friends and it was so life-giving to see the kids running, laughing, playing and sliding down the dune together. A monarch floated around us and returned a handful of times as we all visited in the sand. The sun was shining, the temperature by the water was perfect, and the sky was 100% blue. C dragged a washed up buoy all the way home as a treasure, which was endearing to say the least. These sweetnesses are extra sweet with the opportunity to slow down, recognize and soak them in. I think it’s possible that we’ll never take visits with our friends for granted again–not after this past year–and that’s a gift in and of itself. Each time we take a picture of the kids together, we marvel at our very steadfast dreams materializing before our eyes. It’s the sacred in and amongst the ordinary, and the space feels thin between.

This afternoon, I was working in the baby’s room and C was reading from the stack of board books waiting to be stored in the closet for future reading sessions. He was talking about how much he liked Goodnight Moon and I asked him if he would help me to read stories to the baby sometime. His reply was so honest and I love him for it: “I know big brothers are supposed to help, but I don’t really want to do that.” I am loving my conversations with him these days. He has so much to say when it’s just the two of us, and he regularly uses words like “similar” and “injury” and vocabulary that still sometimes surprises me coming from his four year old self. I don’t think it’s just the baby coming that has this effect, but the timing feels ironic–C is growing up in a way that I can tangibly see right now, and it’s strange to have it be so palpable and permanent. He’s been my little buddy for so long…I’m certainly not ready to let go of that part of who we are together anytime soon.

We made tuna melts for dinner tonight and introduced the kids to Full House (the original). I don’t think I ever realized growing up just how quirky the whole show really was, but our littles seemed to enjoy it. A throwback to the 1980s and tuna melts and watermelon for dinner–that’s life in our house right now. H is away at camp all week and things don’t feel the same without him, but I’m grateful that he can be in his own element in this timing. I hope it’s functioning as a respite and refreshment for him. He’s craving friend time and I have no doubt that the changes around here pile up for a ten year old learning to stretch his wings. We are missing him while he’s gone and will be thrilled to see him and welcome him back in a few days. Meanwhile, we’re plugging along and doing life with our younger two here in the middle of summer.

I am eager to get some sleep tonight and also eager to put the final coat of paint on the dresser upstairs. We’re getting there, even with all of the middle parts that sometimes feel like trudging or crawling along. Maybe this is being still, in a way. If it is, I’m needing the practice and very glad for the moments when I can lean into it instead of resisting what’s best for me.

Tomorrow is another new day, probably ready with a handful of simple delights if I’m looking for them. I plan to be looking for them.

MM

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Hello, Summer. (33)

If you live in the midwest, I’m sure you’ll agree that the weather for June and July has been rather temperate and a bit gloomier than our usual summer fare up until now. Truthfully, I haven’t minded the moderate temps, and the rainier days have provided much needed moisture for the yard and garden while also alleviating some of the pressure to soak in every outdoor moment possible. I love being outside, but I don’t love the feeling of obligation when it comes to outdoor experiences. I feel that living here makes us all carry a deeper sense of, “It’s summer! We have to soak it up for all it’s worth!” than we might feel in a climate that offers more sunshine and warm days year round. So for me anyway, the rainy days feel like an invitation to slow down, to let the kids stay in pjs longer, to offer popcorn and a movie some afternoons instead of the usual limitations on screen time. I know my kiddos don’t mind it when the day calls for stacks of books and no one laying out a schedule, and we have wet weather to thank for a little bit extra of that this summer.

This weekend it’s evident that July has decided to turn up, and it’s beautiful. It’s also hot. I love summer weather. Most of the time, give me all of the hot summer days we can afford. Even now, please bring on the sunshine. Just know that I’ll be off to find a bench in the shade at some stage. It’s funny–I’ve left the house both yesterday and today feeling such ambition to conquer tasks and experiences, and yet, my body says something else a few hours in. Mind and body are one, but also independent of each other, it seems. It’s really in the sweetness of pregnancy that I share that; I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I just have to laugh a little once I’m over my initial frustration with limitations. Once again, God says, “Be still,” and I somehow keep asking, “Can’t I go just a little bit more?”

In a sense, summer is humbling me right along with motherhood. I am so thankful to have three kiddos who have genuinely been utterly gracious with their mama all these months, and especially now. Today we were a few towns over for lunch and wandering, and when I sat down on a bench and needed to stay there for awhile, everyone got out their new books to read and waited with me. I know they’ll all be so happy to have me return to a more active version of myself, but their patience is much appreciated right now and I truly need it. It makes me hopeful that transitions with the baby can be grace-filled, too, even if they’re sometimes hard.

C is showing his feelings about so much change in new ways, and they’re mostly just really endearing. He is so careful to tell me sweet things every day, to hug the baby and say good morning and goodnight, to remind me that we call this little one, “Honeybee,” and to sit in the closest spot possible to me as often as he can. I overheard him telling someone upstairs the other day that he could be brave because now he was going to be a big brother. Sweet boy! I just love him so, and I feel for him as he sorts out his emotions without even realizing all that’s happening inside his heart and mind. He and I are going to have some extra time to spend together this week, and I’m planning to soak it up for all it’s worth. This will be a treasured handful of days for us together–another fleeting season that’s worth savoring in every possible way.

It finally feels like summer and that’s such a good thing, because it’s also a marker of time right where we are and the days we’re headed into, too. August can’t come without summer arriving, so it’s another box checked on the way to baby. Whether or not the summer of 2021 will be marked with all kinds of red letter days for our crew, we’re certainly all looking forward to a few in particular, and baby’s arrival is at the peak of that anticipation. I’m thankful for the experiences this “break” season has afforded our family; there’s a lot of transition that could be much harder with calendars piled to the brim and expectations in full measure. Instead, we’re really taking so much one day or week at a time, which feels like exactly what we all need and as much as we can all handle. Again there’s heaps of grace in that reality, even when we don’t always see it. When we look back, I hope we can say that the summer our honeybee was born was marked by slowing down, making peace with stillness and soaking up all of the natural good that God set right in front of us, no matter the weather.

MM

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Busy Baby. (34)

Today was a typical pre-baby Saturday around here, and the fact that I can call it “typical” has its merits and faults. We’re all homebodies this summer, trying to fit in things we (mom and dad) feel we need to get done before baby arrives. The fact is, we know that most of these items won’t be touched for a long while after the baby is born, so we’re putting in the time now as best we can. I’m no good with having projects unfinished, as much as I try to be. And I think we all feel the pressure of the clock ticking down, good or bad, so while our (my) pace is slowing, there’s still always more to stare down at the end of the day.

I guess you could say the kids are getting used to this rhythm a bit…they’ve found lots of ways to keep entertained around the house (books, LEGOS, playing house, magnatiles, playing outside and generally driving each other nuts). It seems about right, but I know everyone is feeling a little worn. It’s the middle of July and finally hot outside, and I want to be facilitating other things for our crew besides errands and organization and painting another piece of furniture. I just can’t settle about baby arriving until a few more pieces of the puzzle are in place, and we’re getting close.

This little one inside has been as busy as a bee all day long. Last night was a rough night, sleep-wise, and today has been evidence that while I may not have rested, baby must have gotten to sleep just fine. It’s like having a little jumping bean in my belly. Baby’s kicks and jabs aren’t giant for the most part, but the rolling baby movements are plentiful. My stomach looks like someone is molding Playdoh from the inside, non stop. This is pretty fun for me, minus the occasional stomp on a nerve or the like. I love seeing baby so active in there. It’s affirming and good, and I feel so much more connected to our little one this way. Yesterday was quiet, but today has made up for it and then some. I wonder what our babe is up to, truly!

Besides navigating a low key-ish kind of busy Saturday, there’s not much new to report. We’re down to the home stretch in my mind, which feels great. I do keep praying that I’ll have enough time to get certain things done before the baby is ready to be here, but if life teaches me an extra lesson by way of unexpected timelines, I’ll work on embracing that, too. It just feels so good to know that this little honeybee is now developed enough to be born without major intervention, most likely…there’s a peace about that that my heart has needed to feel. I’m still battling hard thoughts sometimes, but I’m trying to set my sights on baby’s birthday and what those details will look like. To hold this little one will be 1,000+ dreams come alive.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I generally love Sundays. A day focused more on church and family than other things always feels like a needed and grace-filled part of the week. A highlight of each weekend is when baby dances in my belly during church…it’s one of the sweetest memories I have of being pregnant with each of our babies. I love that they’ve all responded to music and how they feel so peaceful in their movements when we’re singing as a congregation. It’s an added gift in this process that I will always treasure.

Rest well tonight, baby. Rest well tonight, friends.

MM

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What’s Right in Front of Me. (35)

There are so many days right now where I feel an extra nudge to be present, and today was no exception. I felt those whispers all day long. I’m so grateful for this. It’s a kindness from God to be reminded to savor the simple, routine things, and this time in our lives is one I really want to be able to see clearly when I look back. That’s not to say that every day is easy or without its share of hiccups, but I just think all of the time about how this life we’re living now could be the sweetest version of life we experience, and if that’s the case (or really, even if it isn’t), I want to appreciate it for all it’s worth. I don’t want to miss it.

Watching E and C at swim lessons today, the number of times I laughed at their antics or comments was plentiful. And the joy I found in watching them attempt and overcome new hurdles was such a good feeling–their pride in themselves just made my heart swell a bit. It’s so special to see them coming into their own in things, and especially to watch them face insecurities or challenges head on. Watching them interact with their swim teacher and each other gives me such a lightheartedness…they are genuinely having fun and learning together at the same time. It’s a sweet part of this summer that’s been meaningful to me.

Then, sitting with other moms while H enjoyed spending time with his friends at a party today was really lovely. I was thinking back to last summer, after a shortened year of school, and just how hard it was not to know other families from his class or to connect him to friends. Things were so different in the world a year ago, and I don’t think any of us knew exactly how to feel or be as humans desiring more interaction with others. What a gift today, to see other moms, but also to watch all of our boys enjoy each other’s company and just have fun together–it’s a sweet group of kids that I’m so thankful he has the privilege to journey alongside.

E also had a party today, and it was a similar grace in the day to see friends of ours and to send her off to enjoy time with other girls. We’re not very surrounded by families with girls her age, so to watch her connect with a friend she’s known for a few years now and to have the chance to celebrate and create together–it’s the stuff of a mama’s dreams. And to have her sweet friend run up to hug me and to feel a sense of being reunited…it’s all just such grace.

As I sent a message to a dear friend tonight, I included some photos from our time together with our kids earlier this week. Those pictures, where C is laying on a picnic blanket with his closest friend as they laugh unstoppably together, and where four of our kiddos are playing picnic with play food for a good bit of our visit–I can’t honestly even describe the layers of goodness in those images. A few hours in their backyard (or anywhere together!) has been a hopeful vision for us as mamas over this past year. These friends are like family to all of us, and we’ve longed for days when we could let the kids run around and play together again. Last May, when things with Covid felt scary and confusing and new, the world got scarier and harder for our friends as their eldest (C’s dearest) was diagnosed with Leukemia. This past year has been so filled with new challenges for all of them, and especially in the midst of all else going on. The number of times we’ve talked with our kiddos about “someday when we can all play together again” is too many to count, and suddenly, we’ve lived that moment we’ve hoped and prayed for for so long. While we know things will shift again come fall and seasons where the weather turns colder and germs abound, this week, in the fresh air and sunshine, God made a way. And He reminds us to savor it–every last bit of it, and to recognize these answered prayers right before our eyes. It’s all so rich with undeserved grace.

This evening before coming home from birthday party pick up, we stopped at Menards for a few things. Through most of the store and out into the parking lot and all the way to the car, E and C each held my hands, one on either side. As we wandered through the parking lot, I thought to myself, “Soon this is all going to change,” and the bittersweetness of that moment will stick with me for a long time. Right now I have hands for both of them, but someone will have to graduate soon as I use at least one hand to push a stroller or carry a carseat. Of course, I’ll still hold hands as much as they’ll let me, but my two hands will be a little less free to embrace these babies of ours, just as we’ve all been for the past (nearly) five years. I am so ready for this growth for us in ways, and I am probably mourning other things at the same time. If nothing else, the past few years have taught me a lot about holding joy and grief together, and while I won’t suggest that the new stage we’re entering brings grief with it, there is still loss while there’s great gain. The dichotomy of holding both at the same time stretches us in our humanity, I think. And I feel like it gives me a glimpse into God’s heart, as I imagine He is always navigating through all of our lives with ample doses of grief and joy.

I woke up this morning thinking about gratitude and wanting to be grateful, and here at the end of the day, I can see that God honored that intention in ways I couldn’t have planned. These days of waiting are hard, but what’s growing out of them is far better than wishing time away and trying to rush through to the next thing. The next thing will come, or at least we pray it will come as we hope. And meanwhile, the things right here in front of me are goodness and kindness and mercy that humble me and pause restlessness in my heart. The good life is the life we’re afforded today. Tomorrow isn’t a promise, and I never want to take it for granted. I pray that God will give me the nudging and direction I need to continue to appreciate and value what’s right before me every day.

MM

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Naming Names, Part 2. (36)

Since the last post was a bit of a tease (though not intentionally), I thought tonight we could unpack the actual subject of baby names and where we’ve landed as we arrive at five-ish weeks left on the baby countdown.

Spoiler alert: We never share names before we introduce baby to the world, post-delivery. 😉

Now that we’ve got that bit out of the way, here’s a little more about our baby naming process and how it’s going this time around…

  1. Since we don’t find out baby’s gender, we try to take two boy names (1st and middle) and two girl names along with us to the hospital. You never know if baby will look remarkably like the first or second name, so it feels good to go in with options. So far, we haven’t had a baby who either of us decided was something different than our top name pick once they were born. Can we go four for four? Time will tell.
  2. We’ve usually landed on baby names by this stage in pregnancy. This time around, I think it’s fair to say we likely know what we’d name the baby if they were born tomorrow, but we really haven’t fully committed to a name for either gender yet.
  3. Naming the baby is a huge part of the preparation process for me. Once we know what we’d choose, I feel so much better about heading to the hospital. Maybe that’s one sure-fire way to be sure I don’t go into labor too early?
  4. We care a lot about the meaning of a name. There have been so many that we both liked, but where the meaning was just something that didn’t strike us well. I guess that’s a tactic for shortening the list more quickly?
  5. I have a really hard time with people suggesting names. I don’t know. I just feel like it’s a super personal thing, and that if a name we absolutely love gets thrown out in conversation, I feel super awkward and bummed about it. I just want our babies to be the first ones to hear it, and for our rationale to be our own and not tied to anyone else’s thoughts or expectations. I don’t mean to get all soap-boxy about it, and I don’t have opinions about how other people go about the process. I just love the element of surprise for all when baby is here and suddenly it’s time to know who they are, boy or girl, full name and all of the fun details like weight and height and such.
  6. Our kids have LOTS of opinions about names. C will often just make up new sounds to suggest as names, but he also has strong feelings about what works for him and what doesn’t. H has been pretty quiet about it, but he mentions a name here of there from time to time that he likes. E is like I am. She likes to try out the names with all other kids’ names, likes to think about how they sound with our last name, and wants to consider how the name works through all stages of life. It’s true. If I can’t see this baby as a sweet old man or a little old lady with their name, it’s not likely to stay on the list.
  7. Our kids have all been true to their names so far. I love that. I love how God works, and I trust He has a name for each one of us before we’re ever born. I think this process matters to me so much because I want to honor whoever God has made each of our kiddos to be, and I think we can discern the right fit if we give it enough thought and time.
  8. After all of the suspense of waiting to know this baby’s gender, our kids have all agreed that they don’t want to know the baby’s gender or name before meeting him or her in person. Because of current visiting restrictions at the hospital, this means that our crew is up for waiting until we get home from the hospital to know who this little honeybee is! And since we’ve always wanted our kids to be the first to know before anyone else, it also means we won’t be making any announcements until a few days after baby is born. That feels so foreign and hard to me, but I know it’s super important to honor our commitment, so we’ll be tight lipped for a few days until we can be home together as a family of six. Six! How crazy and amazing is that?!
  9. I’ve had a hunch on gender each time so far and started thinking of baby as their name before ever knowing if they were a boy or girl. This time, I’m really not sure at all. I’d love to be able to say I went four for four on guessing baby’s gender, but I don’t think I’ll have a set guess for this one. If I had to bet, I’d wager, but it would be something like a 52/48 split.
  10. One fun fact for good measure: Jason and I have always agreed on names for our children. Not once have we gone in to have a baby and disagreed or still held things up for debate. I’m not sure why we’ve been so in sync on this, since our styles vary greatly in many other ways, but it’s truly a sweet spot every time to be of one mind as we decide together.

So, there we have it. Baby Names 101 in our household. It’s such a privilege to name a baby, and I’m so honored by the chance to do it once more. Now if only to land on some options before too many more days get away from us…

MM