MollyMadonna.com

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whoa, baby. (30)

How did we get here, little Button? The countdown is at 30 days, which means you’re almost in the world and I’m in awe of how much life is going to change very soon. I really cannot wait to meet you. The thought of it gets more exciting every day. So many of my reflections on the day of your arrival have changed over the past few weeks–from spots of anxiety and worry about our care provider and possible hospital scenarios, to a little bit of hesitation at feeling unprepared to welcome you, to now. Not a whole lot has changed besides our doctor (which feels like a very, very good thing that’s buying me peace), but somehow my heart is entering a space that feels much more ready and healthy and whole about that day and what it will look like. I know this probably doesn’t mean a whole lot to anyone else at the moment, but for me, it means that I know God is preparing your mama for the big, beautiful day that you’ll be born. And I think it probably means that people around us are covering our little family in prayer right now over this very thing, which is humbling and wonderful and perfect.

Something I’ve learned over the past few weeks little one (while life has been trying and harder than I’d like to admit), is that it’s necessary and ok to lean into the body of believers around us for strength. I’ve asked a lot of people to be praying for us, and God is honoring and answering those prayers. See, the thing is kiddo, we’re not supposed to do this alone–not any one of us. And when we can’t always see the road ahead for ourselves, sometimes we need to enlist the vision and strength of others for the journey. People say it takes a village to raise a child. I think it just might take a “village” to usher one peacefully into the world as well.

You are already so blessed and dearly loved, sweet babe. Not only do your mama and daddy and big brother think the world of you, but we are surrounded by family and friends who are going to love you to their fullest capability. Isn’t that amazing?! You aren’t quite here yet, but you’re beginning to feel so tangible and close and essential to the fabric of our lives. We love you more than you will ever possibly know.

Tonight you’re a bundle of energy and life inside my belly…dancing to music that your daddy’s playing, reminding me that you’re so very present here and getting stronger every day. I have so many curiosities about who you are, and I’m so excited to find out! These last days will be some of the very sweetest as we move ever closer to your beautiful arrival!

can’t wait, can’t wait,

mama

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thoughts on a tuesday. (32)

Sometimes on this countdown, I think it’d just be fun to have a random reminder of the events of the day. Nothing that sticks out more than the ordinary, but still, exactly where I was and what what happening when I was X number of days pregnant. Since I’m a bit tired and running out of steam tonight, this feels like the perfect day to record all of the run of the mill “stuff” that doesn’t quite add up to an entire blog post on its own:

-Today was a long one, and I am definitely feeling as pregnant as I look (which, based on the comments of total strangers this week, is VERY pregnant). Don’t worry, man I’ve never met. I’m not going to go into labor right here at work in the middle of the floor four weeks before my due date. At least I’m not planning to. But it sure would make for a good story, right? And let’s be honest. It’s all about the story. Emergency medical personnel unnecessary. Even if my water did break in the middle of work, I’d hope to get home in time to deliver in a slightly more plausible environment. 😉

-The gender of this babe (as you already well know) is a surprise. For all of us. But I still got to share in the joy of the guessing game today with at least two men I’d never previously seen. One said boy, hands down. The other said girl, without a doubt. Good news fellas! One of you is right!

-Henry did an admirable job of rolling with the punches today as plans changed, and as I needed his help in hurrying to get to things on time. As promised, when he came home with a great report from the friend who watched him, there was a Matchbox vehicle waiting for him. J had picked up a very cool airplane from the store yesterday, and when he gave it to H, Henry actually declined it because it wasn’t a car! We figure it’s only a few weeks until the movie “Planes” comes out…perhaps H’s first movie in the theaters is in order…

-Tonight we only had to walk 1.5 blocks to find all of the action in town. H counted four fire trucks and two ambulances, followed by two cement mixers and a host of other construction vehicles. All of this after two police cars! We have to have struck some kind of vehicle jackpot or something. The kid was in his glory, checking everything out with his dad. I, on the other hand, enjoyed a lovely bench seat in the breeze and shade, while the blue sky floated overhead and the beach grass danced right in front of me. I can’t remember such a perfect weather day over the past few weeks. It was quiet and contemplative and glorious, despite the braxton hicks contractions that came and went until we got home. Getting ready for baby! Who can complain?

-We went downtown as a family for $2 hamburgers and house cut fries for dinner, then wandered the local baby/kids boutique for a bit to check out the latest additions to the store. I’d be lying to say I wasn’t itching to buy item after item. I’m so ready to have things prepped and ready to go for baby. I just can’t help it! At the end of it all, I only spent $6.35, and it was on a little game for Henry. He’ll get to enjoy it once baby arrives, as it’ll make its way into his “Big Brother Activity Bag.” More on this in a later post, perhaps.

-The boys made their way out to the beach afterwards to watch the waves, and I met up with a dear friend over dessert and tea. The three hours we spent catching up were lovely, but not enough after a five month hiatus from more frequent visits. Life just keeps getting busier! Thank goodness for the blessed times we do find to share in fellowship and motherhood–and all that goes with it!

-I am one sleepy mama, looking forward to my pillow and the promising contents of the day tomorrow. It might have been a long one, but today had a lot of good in it, and I’m so thankful for moments of laughter and relief…and for God putting such beautiful people in my life!

cheers to day 32 (or 68, or something). here’s to counting!

mm

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best part of the day. (34)

Before long, I’ll be taking a hiatus from worship team at church–to give myself time with the new babe, and to give our family time to adjust together without extra commitments in the mix. I love leading worship with such a beautiful team of people, and as much as it adds challenges here and there with a young family at home, it also adds a great deal of joy to my life when I’m in the midst of it. No matter what is going on here when I leave for rehearsal or a Sunday morning service, God always meets me where I need Him most and infuses His Spirit and presence into each time of worship. This morning was no exception. After a difficult and busy week, singing in church today was pure refreshment for my heart. More than being a beautiful way to start the day, it got me through the hours that followed…something I really needed this weekend.

I’ve been worshipping in my head and heart all day long, despite raw moments of frustration and exhaustion and an unyielding achiness from carrying this sweet pea around. I’m so thankful for God’s covering even in the middle of what’s hard.

The very best part of worship for me this morning was the chance to sing the lyrics to the song below. I’ve just been feeling this song so personally this week, and it was a necessary expression of my heart as the words poured out. Bar none, it was the highlight of my day.

I’ll be going to bed tonight with this running through my head, and I hope it’s still lingering tomorrow. I know God is nudging me to remember his faithfulness and presence very intentionally in this trying run of days…

None But Jesus, Hillsong United

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won’t refuse
Each new day, again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you’re sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

may it be so as we head into a new week.
choosing Christ, and with Him, joy.
mm

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fresh air. (37)

This week has flown by, and been jam packed with activities and meetings and commitments here in the little blue house. We’re managing, but the weekend will be a welcome chance to take pause, to have some fun family time, and to organize even a few more details as the clock ticks down towards baby. There’s just been little room to make much progress in those areas over the past four days. That being said, I feel like life offered me a little reprieve this afternoon…

You know those days where something just turns around and you feel like you can breathe again? I can’t say that to be true of the entire contents of today, but I can say with great relief that I am breathing easier on one account, and it’s making a world of difference in my heart. We had our first doctor appointment with our new doctor this afternoon, and I’m 100% sure that we made the right move in the right timing. This was only my second conversation with the new practitioner, but twice now, I’ve had lengthy, invested interactions where I felt like I was being heard–like we could engage in conversation on an open and reasonable level.

I had stopped feeling like this was possible with my previous doctor, and at 32 weeks pregnant, had grown somewhat fearful of how that component of this next birth might play out. As I’ve shared a little bit in other posts, I’ve been fighting back a lot of fear stemming from conversations with my first doctor. So much reservation about something I’m so passionate and excited about felt unnatural and unnecessary to me. Words have power, and someone else’s fear can easily become our own. I’m working hard to erase that planted fear as the days tick on. This afternoon’s appointment was a huge step in the right direction.

I’m so thankful that J is as invested in this process as he is, and that he was able to make it to today’s visit with me to meet our new doc. I think we both walked away with a much greater peace about our options, our approach to birth, and our hopes for a safe and healthy natural delivery. Despite a very hectic day for both J and me, I feel a bit lighter in my step thanks to someone else’s willingness to be open, informing and encouraging. As I continue to unpack more about birth and pregnancy here, I look forward to sharing more about the significant impact that this change has already had on me, and why I feel so strongly that every woman is entitled to feel empowered, informed, and safe when she’s expecting.

so grateful for change tonight. and for a much needed breath of fresh air.

mm

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a lesson. (40)

Dear Button (will you find it strange one day that I used to call you that?),

Here’s a little nugget of wisdom from your mama’s heart: sometimes, enough is enough and too much is too much. And when that happens, it’s ok if little things fall to the wayside for a moment while you pick yourself back up. This blog post is a perfect example.

I was trying awfully hard yesterday to push through a long, challenging number of hours, and before bed, I wanted terribly to fulfill my commitment to you by writing here. I sat down with my computer when it was already quite late, and I began to type. I think I attempted this for an hour or so, nodding off a dozen times and trying fervently to get back to the page. Unfortunately, the day had had already taxed me to the max. I never did get the post off and running well. I kind of let myself down, to be honest, but I know in the grand scheme that you’ll understand. I should have gone to bed and rested well so that I could take the best care of you possible. I’m sorry for that.

The past few days have been so interesting–a blend of the joy I have in carrying you and the sheer exhaustion of pregnancy, mixed with really hot days and the temper of a toddler flaring all around me. And there’s the to do list of course, and the way that your crib came out of the box damaged on Sunday, and your daddy’s thesis bearing down on him, and your grammy trying to move to town this week. Projects. Deadlines. An extra day at work. Life is just feeling SO full. I’m not complaining (or not trying to) little one. Just recognizing that the deck is stacked in favor of me being a little extra run down this week–acknowledging, too, that your mama needs a Savior on this day as much as any other. Thank goodness for Christ and the knowledge of Him–for the Holy Spirit and the presence of otherworldly peace when on this side of Heaven, it could easily feel like there was little to spare.

I guess all I’m saying to you, dear baby, is that you can’t possibly lean on your own strength or circumstances at all times. Hardly ever, really, if you want to live in the joy that God has for you in this earthly life. I pray that you will grow to press in deeply to God. That your roots will be firmly planted in Truth, and that your first inclination will be to fix your eyes on Christ. Never mind any deadlines or pressure, ingratitude or attitudes that surround you. Just keep pressing into what you know…that you are Loved, Loved, Loved beyond understanding, and that God created you to shine His light in the world regardless of your daily circumstances.

I’m going to head into this day making my best effort to shine, despite feeling a bit dim in my heart. The God of the Universe can fill in the gaps for me today. I trust He will, if I ask Him.

you are 40 days away or so, sweet button. i can’t hardly stand the beauty of all that, no matter what else is coloring the moment. keep doing an amazing job growing! my belly says that you’re making a really good effort 😉

love you always.

your mama