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Naming Names. (37)

If I were to make lists of the things that are most helpful and least helpful in this season, it would probably be both a cathartic exercise and a good memory to look back on later. Not that I’d ever make such lists or name names like that, but you know, if I did, the “most helpful” list would likely look something like this:

Most Helpful Things When 8+ Months Pregnant for the 4th Time:

-Extra rest. I’m not sure where to find it, but goodness, a nap is a necessary boost some days

-Children who are willing to do a reasonable amount of chores for their ages, and who are aware of their footprint on a space. This might forever be a work in progress, but…onward

-Someone else doing the hard-to-reach dishes

-A grabber so that attempted bending can be avoided

-A rented wardrobe for the last five weeks of pregnancy, since just a few things fit over my belly by now

-Freedom to set aside any other chores or responsibilities and *only* work on baby/nesting related tasks around the house

-One last room painted before the baby arrives because I’m not to be trusted on a ladder at this stage

-A personal chef (this probably applies to all seasons of life, not just the very pregnant ones)

-Time, time, time, time, time

-Ample amounts of gratitude for and savoring of where we are, from all parties, because this season is sweet and short-lived, and I for one sure am going to miss it when it’s gone (even though I can’t wait to meet this babe)

That’s ten, so I’ll stop there. This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor is it meant to be a rant or anything like it. Honesty just feels good, and someday when I’m far from my pregnant days, I also want to remember what this felt like and what other pregnant mamas in my proximity might need or wish for as they grow their babies, too.

MM

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Heart Preparations Revisited. (38)

Today I came across my post from when I was 39 days before my due date with E, almost exactly eight years ago. The words from then are so spot on to what I’m feeling right now, so I’m going to borrow them back from myself here, with an addendum.

July 16, 2013: “There is a lot of time between the moment you find out you’re pregnant and the day you head to the hospital to deliver a baby. A lot of time. Or at least it feels that way, until you’re suddenly just five or so weeks from your due date and baby’s arrival is somehow coming up fast. You start to think of all the things you want to be sure to have done before the little one is born…of all the things you feel like you should do: nursery prep, home organization, deep cleaning, LOTS of baby laundry, more organizing, mentally preparing your other child(ren), catching up on play dates and correspondence, fitting in dates with your spouse, getting some sleep, etc. And above and beyond all that, of course, readying yourself emotionally and mentally for the big day and major life change that’s around the corner.

Is it possible that we can distract ourselves so much with the details of how everything looks and feels aesthetically, that we can miss the opportunity to really prepare our heads and hearts for one of the biggest and greatest days of our whole life?

I’m so thankful that God is slowing my pace down enough to find moments to remind me…Molly, let’s focus on your head and heart. The rest can wait if necessary, but get that part settled first…”

July 13, 2021: Yes. This is exactly right, and so true to things I’ve wrestled in these past weeks. The difference now is that I’m eight years down the line and I think I’ve learned a thing or two about where my focus needs to be. I’m still preoccupied with the other details, and I’m still nesting a great deal (which doesn’t feel like it’s to be avoided), but eight years is a long time to have spent working on my head and heart, and I can certainly mark some progress. I’m more at home in my own skin, more ready and able to advocate for myself, more comfortable being honest about what I want and need, more practical about what’s achievable and what I need to put down. I’m not sure if the people around me always feel like I’m setting more down, but my once non-negotiables have changed. I’m taking things off of my to do/wish list regularly and working on being ok with what I can’t accomplish.

Two more children down the line, life is very different. Expecting this fourth baby, there’s obviously a different dynamic surrounding me than there was with one toddler in tow. Our family has changed a lot, we’ve been through a lot, the world is a different place in ways. It’s just not all the same equation that it was before. Given this, there’s arguably still a learning curve, but it’s a learning curve with eight years more experience behind it, and that’s something.

Eight years ago, I wrote about how I was going to potentially switch doctors after some challenging developments with my original practitioner. I didn’t know then that I’d have a new doctor only two days later–one who has since delivered two of our babies and who is seeing me through this pregnancy, too. His presence and perspective have been a gift all these years, and I’m still grateful to this day for that season back then, when my heart said I needed to consider a change. I trust my mama instinct now more than ever, and even as I was learning where to find it, it was serving me well. I can look back and be confident that just as God was leading in those days, He is leading me still.

I can’t end this post better than I did in 2013, so I’m going to quote the last bit of that reflection to end today’s. It’s exactly how I feel again as I marvel at all that is in front of me. What kindness and goodness flows!

July 16, 2013: “I love these moments at the end of the day, when it’s often just me and baby here on the couch. I watch him or her move without reservation in my belly, and I am reminded of the miracle of all of this…the incredible answer to many prayers that this baby has been all along, and the amazing process that God has designed for us as human beings. How did something so very small and microscopic already grow to have such a prominent place in my belly? In our lives?

Nine months, give or take a bit. All the time in the world and yet, not quite enough to prepare ourselves for the inevitable surprises and delights of childbirth and bringing a whole new person home to love and care for from here on out. I’m working on getting there, with some handful of weeks to go. And when the day arrives, I’ll be praying like crazy for God to bridge any gaps left over–that I would embrace the day with zero reservation and approach this new experience with complete joy in every bit of the process.”

Embracing the patterns and rhythms I’m offered and hopeful to keep growing through the opportunity to revisit them again,

MM

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Small Victories. (39)

These days, I’m learning all the more to appreciate the power of the “little win.” I forget how much effort it takes sometimes to get the troops out of the house or to appointments, and I definitely underestimate the empowering feeling of successfully running errands with everyone in tow. But when we do it, goodness. It does feel good. I think I’ve always been sort of bent toward having the adventure versus staying home, though in the last year or more, becoming a homebody was certainly easier (if not mandatory) that it’s been for me before. Having been home so much, it’s almost like I’d forgotten just how much we all enjoy getting out, too. And there are days when I’m just not up for it and days when I wish we’d kicked ourselves out of the house, so there’s a balance to strike, for sure.

I foresee the days I’d like to tuck in at home, and they’re coming. They’ll probably arrive right around the time everyone is back to school and schedules are in full swing again. That transition period will be interesting for us all, but then fall will arrive and we’ll start to get into the hibernation mode that comes with chilly weather, and for a while I imagine it will feel so good and timely that the seasons are changing in that direction.

Today we went to a play outdoors in the rain, followed by lunch out and three dentist appointments for the kids. I might have been a little tired at the end of it all, but mostly, it felt like an accomplishment to have had an experience together and three successful appointments checked off the list. I have to hand it to our crew, too, because they handled rainy weather and dentist chairs like champs today, which made me awfully proud and grateful. To see our four year old walk confidently down the hall with the hygienist on his own feels like grace and also like time is moving too quickly. I couldn’t help but think, “Who is this young man and how did he grow up so fast?” when I went down the hall to check on him and he didn’t need me there a bit. It’s so cool to watch our kids come into their own. It’s also so sweet of God to give us another chance to watch a little one grow up from the start. My heart has not been ready to kiss the baby years goodbye.

Tonight as I look at tomorrow’s plans and the next day’s and the next, I’m going to try to keep my eyes on the little wins–the moments when everyone is content or getting along, or when all have recently been fed and no one is clamoring for another snack or wondering about dinner time. We’re going to celebrate the days when we get out and about and hold ourselves together, and if I’m learning anything in these years of parenting, we’re also going to celebrate the good times in the midst of outings that didn’t go so well, but that had shining moments in the mix of what felt hard. We’re going to get the ice cream (because I’m learning to live a little in my old age), head out to the beach for an impromptu sunset (speaking this into our lives because we surely need more of it!), stay out in the rain when we’re not yet ready to come inside and sprinkle all the to dos and errands (that we can manage without breaking) in between the fun things.

There’s a lot of summer to be lived yet, and I sure do intend to live it if we can. It might not feel like a season of giant leaps in areas I’d love to be leaping through, but it definitely feels like a better opportunity in many ways…the chance to appreciate what’s in front of us, the pattern of unscheduled days that allow room for small progress and rest, and a pace that feels healing instead of harmful, which benefits us all.

This is the summer of the little win. I’ll take it.

MM

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A Prayer for Today. (40)

In forty days and nights you might be here,

perhaps already nestled close at home or maybe

so fresh and new that I am fully taken with

taking in every bit of who you are. Your features,

just like dad’s or brother’s, sister’s, mine. Your

very own way of being in the world and we are only

witnesses to the miracle that means I got to be

your vessel for a time. Now,

we wait and wonder as we make room, prepare

our hearts for you. And this nearness, this

longing for the day to come when you will fit,

will curl into the curve of my arm and rest.

There. There in the place you have been

hidden, your life known before we ever knew

you, your days numbered by the only One

who could craft such detail into every part–

your eyes, your nose, your lips, fully formed.

The way your fingers bend tightly around mine, toes curl

like rows of peas grown perfectly in the summer

garden. Lashes flutter and close in sleep

after your journey here. Then, time for tucking in

together where I find you, feel my heart releasing

all I’ve kept in waiting and even more I didn’t know.

May it be so, love.

-Mama

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It Takes a Little Time Sometimes. (41)

J and I were able to get out on a date Wednesday night–our first in a very long time. We both know we need to date each other more often, but life this past year and a half has been strange for everyone, hasn’t it? We’ve spent more intentional family time together in the last eighteen months than maybe ever before, and that’s a great thing. And we’ve had less time just the two of us than ever before, which, in retrospect, has been really hard. Getting out on a date meant that we drove around for a long time trying to figure out where to go and what to do…I think that’s a thing when you’re out of practice with something–it takes a little while to get back to what you know. We also managed to be out on a night when many of the beach town restaurants where we live were all closed because it was mid-week; we just didn’t know it beforehand.

In true J&M fashion, we spent half of our date night in the car. But that didn’t matter. There was no one else along to interrupt our conversation or cut off every beginning of every thought. We adore our kids, we really do. But we’ve realized more and more that we can’t get a full conversation in until it’s really late and everyone else has gone to bed, which is so tricky. Each of our kids has a lot to say and they all have a tendency of needing to share at the same time. We work really hard to make sure they’re feeling heard and seen, so we pause our sentences often. The result is just a lot of fragmented adult interactions that don’t get very far before 10pm. I’m guessing things aren’t about to get quieter any time soon with a new babe in the house, and the 10pm cutoff might not apply for a good while either. 😉 A few hours driving around alone in the car, a sit down meal with just two of us at the table and treating ourselves to dessert elsewhere to stretch the evening out a bit further were timely, healthy and good.

Four hours or so gave us the chance to cover a lot of ground. We talked about all kinds of things, but mostly, things related to life right now, our kids and our growing family. It’s funny how when you’re not with your kids, they’re a good bit of the conversation anyway. It was really helpful to have the time. And as a result, we decided we need to make sure we both get some one-on-one time with each kiddo before the baby comes. Or at least, that I need to have one-on-one time with each of them before then. Afterwards, it will be helpful for J to be able to do that with our trio for a while, and likely, everyone will need it.

This morning, E and I headed out for a few hours, “just the girls.” Or maybe better put as E said it, “the girls plus baby, whether it’s a boy or a girl.” The girls plus baby. Since I legitimately can’t reach my feet without compromise any more, we started out with pedicures to freshen up our summer toes. Goodness, that was the best 45 minutes of pampering I could have imagined today, truly. And we headed to our favorite baby/toy/kiddo clothing shop to really savor the chance to look around, then stopped to pick up lunchtime treats (a gorgeous waffle piled with fresh berries for E and avocado toast for me) at a coffee shop in town. The rest of our time was more practically spent running errands that needed to be run, but having a few hours together to talk and share little moments goes a long way as we move through these days where I’m generally feeling more preoccupied and tired. I will never regret one-on-one time with my people, and I wish I didn’t need to be reminded of it sometimes. Those intentional hours pay dividends in the days and weeks following, and I hope we’ll be able to sneak in a few more dates and a some more time with each kiddo between now and when baby comes. It’s not necessarily easy to carve out the space, but it matters.

I’m thankful for the chance to stop and see what’s right in front of me this week, in so many ways. God has honored my prayers that I could savor what He’s given me, even if I still have room to grow. The reality that He offers me more chances to try again, to do it better, to get it a little more right are tangible evidence of His graciousness to me. I hope I’ll never stop being amazed by who He is or how He loves, and I hope I’ll never stop carving out time with Him or with the people I love the most.

MM