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when we slow down. (76)

Just a few days in, this refreshing of perspective and my efforts to slow life down a bit are taking hold. This weekend was full, but of good things and family and rest and some much needed quieting of my usual pace. If God has planned to use this pregnancy to stop me in my tracks a little, it’s working–and I’m really grateful. Mostly, I feel like I’m going to be able to look back on this time and remember…not always the kind of thing we think to do in the everyday, when surrounded by the mundane or ordinary. But I feel like my experiences have been so tangible these past few days, and I think it may be because there’s space around each moment to savor and process it. I’m loving the palpability of life right now.

We’re headed into a busy but fun-filled week, and I pray that within it, I can find plenty of moments to savor and appreciate. Still praying for more quiet, for the desire to be intentional, and for the wisdom to know when enough is enough and when too much is on the horizon. Before we move into the next few days of visiting and sharing and the like, let’s just park on today and this weekend and the good they had to offer…

had the chance to relax by the pool this afternoon while the boys enjoyed Henry and Daddy time (see them in the far background :) h has on a bright green floating thing-a-ma-jig.

had the chance to relax by the pool this afternoon while the boys enjoyed henry and daddy time (see them in the far background 🙂 h has on a bright green floating thing-a-ma-jig.

my view in between swim sessions at the pool this afternoon. i have a similar photo from when h was 3 months old. l.o.v.e.

my view in between swim sessions at the pool this afternoon. i have a similar photo from when h was 3 months old. love that some things don’t change for a while!

our little fam on an impromptu walk down the state park pier tonight.

our little fam on an impromptu walk down the state park pier tonight.

hank and dad at the end of the day. h can't take his eyes off of the barge that's dredging the lake ;)

hank and dad on one last weekend adventure. h can’t take his eyes off of the barge that’s dredging the lake 😉

a freshly bathed munchkin in pjs at the end of the day, plus the pier and all of that lake and sky...what could be better?

a freshly bathed munchkin in pjs at the end of the day, plus the pier and all of that lake and sky…what could be better?

We needed this weekend filled with family time and making space and checking a few things off the list. We’ll hope to have a good few more of these before the Button gets here…the time is just too sweet. Of course we know that life will be all that much more full and good with another life in it, but we’re busy savoring at the moment. So thankful for the chance to do so with our Bug!

As an aside, I had a woman I’ve never met before say the loveliest things to me at the pool today, and it really blessed my day. After so many experiences I’ve had in pregnancy where people just say whatever is on their mind without clearly thinking it through, I could have cried when a total stranger spoke life and joy into my heart. She introduced herself as Laura, and when she left, she said she’d see me again soon. I sure hope so. I’ll take all of the beautiful grace in my life I can get. God totally used Laura today. And it made me think about how little effort it takes to bless someone else if we’re open to the opportunity to do so. Praise the Lord for Laura, and for her heart. May God bless her intentionality and overflow her week with joy!

looking ahead in anticipation of what God will do tomorrow…this week…the rest of the Summer…

mm

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in the quiet place. (78)

Besides the train horns blowing every once and a while a few miles away, it is unbelievably quiet here. The dog sighs occasionally, and I’m actually aware of it–only the sounds of the house and the click of my keyboard fill up the remaining, hanging space. I have grown to love the busyness and animation of our noisy, toddler-driven house in the day today, but at the end of this week, the quiet is most welcome. It is exactly everything I haven’t taken pause to notice I needed.

I’m afraid I’m not making or finding enough time to get quiet and recharge. Left unrealized, this seems like dangerous territory–somewhat like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I know this because I’ve felt it rising. It’s been creeping up slowly, and I hear it in my responses to H, in my ramblings of the days’ happenings to Jason, and wildly in my head amidst all of the things I think and do not say. It’s fortunate that my mouth has remained shut in some situations, and sheerly disappointing that I’ve not opened up and just been plainly honest in others. I am battling a war between my people-pleasing, peace-keeping, fearful side and the advocating, protecting, Truth-driven part of me that’s itching terribly to surface. And somewhere, there’s a balance.

I sat in the living room across from a friend today who has an incredible ability to help me see myself for who I am. She is an amazing listener, a beautiful encourager, and a powerfully honest person whose God-fearing, spirit-filled life leads me to a place of healthy vulnerability and honesty every time we meet. There is no pretending here, on any level. And the longer we sit face to face as life permits us, the more we find we share in common–our pasts, although not the same, are crazily woven together in a way I believe God uses to shed light and Truth and freedom. I find myself in tears every time we talk, and she celebrates them. We both do. And I’m always left feeling lighter and thinking in a way that’s more true to who God is calling me to be. I pray that my friendship to her is as refreshing in return as hers is to me. I’m so grateful.

And I share this because our dialogue today has me thinking at full speed and desiring more quiet and space to think even further, to pray, to get really, really honest, and to push through the muck to whatever God has for me–for our family, in this chapter. It’s possible that I just coast through a lot of days and manage to balance what’s right in front of me, without really realizing what’s to the side, what’s behind, what’s above. I know that God wants to give me direction–that He craves my attention the same way I crave His. I’m just not sure I give Him anywhere enough time to do what He wants to with my heart. I think I’ve done so in seasons, but not well as of late. And I don’t want to just barrel through the next several months to a place of new vulnerability and adjustment and change without resetting my sights on what God is saying, doing, ordering in my life.

So. There’s probably a lot of work to be done. Right here. Where I am. And I need to be honest with myself, and particularly honest with others, and I know sometimes that honesty is going to be hard. But my heart is to serve my family as a wife and mom to my best and fullest capacity, and when my tank is empty, I’m not so great at this at all. All of the little (and big) things that drain said tank, drop by drop, can sit buried and linger. Or they can surface and be real and be dealt with to clear some room, reset my system. In this space and time as I parent a toddler, grow a soon-to-be newborn, love my husband, care for our home, and attempt to maintain, grow, and nurture relationships all around me, I’m going to have to be honest. First with myself, and then with those closest to me. And I need to stop making so much time for apologies and guilt and second guesses where they are undue, instead utilizing that energy to clear a path for health and wholeness and joy inside this little heart of mine.

i pray that God would begin the work and show me where i need to go. opening up my hands again and pursuing Truth as i dance the dance.

mm

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winding down. (79)

Today was a full day, and the babe must have sensed it was one for keeping busy, because busy he or she has been! To represent these days and weeks accurately, I’ll do best tonight just to admit that I’m pretty wiped out after a long and productive day. I continue to stay optimistic that I can hang on to some serious energy for at least the next few weeks, but I know I’m going to have to pick my battles. Blogging this evening may not be one of them I choose to fight 😉

When I left the house for work this morning, H cried and tried to keep me from leaving the gate at the back door. We’re pretty much over this most days, but for some reason, today was an exception. We exchanged extra kisses and hugs, and I promised him he’d have a fun day (we have an amazing sitter!) while I was gone. I went to work, had meetings here and there, plugged in my adult brain for the day, and returned home to a sweet boy, ready to greet me at the door. The very first thing he told me about his day was that he cried when I left, that he gave me two kisses, and that I had to go to work. Yep. It’s true. And I’m happy to say we all made it through. I thought it was so cute that H remembered how he’d been feeling this morning and wanted to tell me about it. Whoever believes that little boys aren’t just adorably sweet has clearly not had an encounter with a doting two year old 🙂 We snuggled up in the living room with a pile of library books, and when dad got home, we all fit ourselves on the couch together and read away, happy to be home as a family at the end of a longish Thursday.

Now I’m just kind of letting my brain go, gearing up for weekend time and looking forward to making more progress on baby-related things over the next few days. Throw in the farmer’s market on Saturday, church on Sunday, and a few other items on the agenda here and there, and it promises to fly by as most do in the summertime. Beautiful and brimming with activity, but all too short.

I’ve no infinite motherly wisdom to offer tonight, not much else to say. Just that it’s a good evening for leaning back and easing into bedtime before starting over again tomorrow.

cheers to a busy belly, a sentimental boy, and a stack of “you want to read this to me?!” library books. it’s a wonderful life.

mm

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wonderful wednesdays. (80)

Um, 80. 80! I’m on the fence today about how fast or slow this baby is making his/her way into the world 😉 I’m so amazed at the whole process, and tonight, I really can’t decide if I’m thrilled by our 11 week countdown, or slightly panicked–there’s so much to do! Perhaps I’m experiencing a healthy combination of both, and a sense of urgency that will be enough to motivate me in my productivity for the next several weeks. Goodness knows I’m not going to be running around here with a toddler-like energy two months from now. (Although if you know me, you might call my bluff on this. I sort of get a thrill out of working under pressure to make everything come together at the exact right moment. It’s the party planner in me, I think.) Regardless, we’re having a baby! I’m super excited to be mama to two, and to get to explore the world with big brother H and our newest little munchkin!

A few weeks back when the farmer’s market officially came to town for the Summer/Fall season, I decided that Henry and I needed a little something special to mark the days and weeks until baby’s arrival. As much as I’m thrilled to be a family of four, I also know I’m going to miss our mommy and Henry times, when we head out and have little adventures all to ourselves. I get a little choked up just thinking about it. You can bet I’ll still prioritize those moments after we’re settled in with baby. I can’t get enough of my little buddy!

Since the farmer’s market takes place on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and since Saturdays are “weekend time!” and fun days with daddy, I declared this the Summer of Wonderful Wednesdays for H and me. The timing is great mid-week–especially as I work on Thursdays and miss my Bug a bit on my days out of the house. When we started our plan, I counted a potential fifteen Wonderful Wednesdays before baby is due. Each Wednesday morning, we head downtown to pick out a few treats (ie. fruit, veggies, flowers, bread, honey) to round out our menu for the week and to fill up the fridge and pantry with fresh, local delights. I love watching H at the farmer’s market–particularly as he learns more and more about different foods, plants, and flowers. It’s an education every week, and we both enjoy the leisurely stroll it takes for us to get all the way down to one end of the market and back again. Side by side with a trip to the market, we pay our obligatory visit to the local coffee shop for “a bagel and dip!” (and a latte for mom:). I love that Henry has his favorite chair, that he cozies up in it every week like he’s perfectly at home, and that this little hour of joy has made it into the fabric of our weekly routines. Sometimes we bring a book, sometimes cars to play with, and sometimes, we just sit quietly and ease into our morning. It’s a beautiful thing for this mama who’s trying to savor all of this time with my boy.

After coffee and a bagel and the market, there’s always something else fun to do. Occasionally we meet up with other friends, pay a visit to the library, or wander to a park or outside to explore what’s happening in the world. We admire cars and notice all of the trucks that go by. Summertime is a great time to wander past construction sites and to follow ants down the sidewalk…there’s never a shortage of things to do!

Wonderful Wednesdays haven’t necessarily changed the fabric of our weeks an incredible amount, but they have helped me to focus on making sure we’re taking time–for the sake of taking time. It’s so important to me that I’m not always rushing around with H from one thing to the next, and although it feels that way sometimes, I know we’re being intentional to slow down and go at a toddler pace here and there. I love it when we do. I can’t believe we’re already down to a potential eleven Wonderful Wednesdays, but time is passing quickly. You can bet we’ll be soaking it up as much as we can from now until August, and then, we’ll have to come up with another great way to spend our one-on-one time. It’s such a treasure to live somewhere that has so much to offer young families like ours!

I’m wrapping up this particular Wonderful Wednesday in the quiet of the living room. H is sound asleep upstairs, J is out with a friend, and baby and I have just been enjoying our own version of one-on-one time together. He or she is busy in my belly, but as I’ve sat here typing away and talking to the babe, it’s been amazing to notice how his or her movement changes with my activity. I can feel the little one quite clearly through the bump, and it’s pretty surreal to have my hand on this sweet baby, knowing that before long we’ll be cuddled up and snuggled together in the day to day. I’m loving these quiet moments and the opportunities God keeps giving me to reflect and enjoy. So grateful for this life, for Wonderful Wednesdays, and for all that a day filled with simple pleasures can hold…

blessed to the brim,

mm

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2,046 words. (82)

mom munchkin babyI am in love. With my babies. With this season. With the beach. With all of God’s perfect creation swirling around me so tangibly. It doesn’t really matter how hard it can feel sometimes. This motherhood thing? It is 100% holy and pure and good.

sunset belly silhouette

amazed.

mm