MollyMadonna.com

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Baby Mail. (44)

It’s such a pick-me-up these days when the mail comes and something I’ve ordered in prep for baby has arrived. I’ve held back on many purchases out of an effort to be practical and minimalistic, but there are some items we really do need (or have needed to replace) that have been fun to pick out again. Today, two little sleepers came that are made of about the coziest material I can imagine putting on a baby. I always think about what it must be like to go from a dark, warm, familiar, floaty place to a bright, fast-paced, noisy and highly-texturized environment–with only moments to adjust. I can’t bear the thought of putting anything but soft, gentle, and light materials on a new baby’s skin, and the sleepers that arrived will be just the ticket.

In case you’re curious, the items that arrived today are 100% gender neutral, which I have to say is a category that’s come along way since a decade ago. Before, it used to be all ducks and copious other animals, but now there are so many beautiful materials being used that are just plain, simple and sweet. I’ve made it kind of a personal goal not to buy anything specifically girl or boy-ish, though I see things all of the time that catch my eye. Soon enough we’ll know who this little one is tucked inside, and then we’ll pick out a few things that refresh the baby items we’re digging out of boxes and washing up to put in drawers. It’s hard to believe that all of our baby things are at least nearing five years old, but some of them are even closer to eight or ten. Some things are still in great shape, and others, having lived in bins for so long, are coming out looking a bit washed up and ready to move on. Maybe that’s part of why getting a few new things in the mail for this little one feels so exciting.

I’m not the only one who loves a good mail surprise these days. E is completely taken with everything tiny and new and baby-related–enough so that it would be worth it to have a few new things around just to share them with her. The anticipation for baby grows daily around here, as is evidenced by everyone’s complete infatuation with any baby that comes into view, right down to baby toe inspections and pulling out all the stops for a tiny smile. It’s really such a gift to experience everyone’s eagerness. I don’t think we go a day lately when at least one sibling doesn’t say, “I just can’t wait until OUR baby gets here.” Goodness, what a gift. Our baby. I love the sound of that.

Baby mail is just one way to stay connected to this little one in more tangible ways while we wait and prepare for baby him/her self. It’s hard to be so eager and to wait without little handholds along the way. I know we have some weeks to go yet, but things are feeling much more real and plausible and close, which I think is a relief to all. This has been a journey; while we’re still on it, it feels better and better all the time that the day is coming. How are we at 44 days left on the countdown already? We’ll blink and it’ll be 30 days, then three weeks, than eventually, “Any day now.” When that time comes, having a few sweet new items to share with our littlest will be icing on the cake. I hope they’ll remind us of the wait and how there truly was joy in it. All of this anticipation is so worth it and makes everything that much richer as it comes.

Grateful and sleepy,

MM

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Connecting the Dots. (45)

You could call my thought process these days something like, “stream of consciousness,” or maybe, “random all day long,” or even, “firehose,” perhaps. I guess it might depend on the hour, but all of these are probably accurate. I don’t remember my brain being quite this way with other pregnancies, but it’s really where I’m at, and it’s kind of an all or nothing situation daily. I’ve either got 1,000 thoughts vying for attention, or I’m blankly putting off all thinking for moments at a time, just trying to take a mental breath. When I’m firing on all cylinders, I could use a journalist or the like to record everything for me–there’s valuable information in there, and it’s all attempting to come out at once…reminders of to-dos (so many), things I want to do with the kids, items to tackle around the house, tasks I’d benefit from completing soon, how I hope to prepare for labor and delivery this time around. One, five minute lap around my mind could produce at least ten good lists, and I’d use them. So do I write everything down?

No. No I do not. And I could go either way on this one. I can either play into my perfectionistic personality and have a dozen lists wandering around with me everywhere, or I could try to be a little more laid back about it all and see where that takes me. So far, the second option is winning, but not necessarily with winning results–it’s just the avenue I’m taking because it’s probably what I have energy for right now. Even as I type, I’m thinking to myself, “Find the energy to make the lists. Figure it out.” Some nights this gig is for the sake of the baby, and some nights, I think this time of processing is for the sake of the baby in that it benefits my maternal health to process my thoughts by writing them down. So here we are with the same conclusion on all sides: Write it down, Molly. Write it all down.

If I were to make a list of lists (going for it), it would include: nursery to-dos, family logistics, paperwork, homeschool plans, July/August calendar details, things to procure for camp, freezer meals to make, work projects (and completion target dates), house projects that don’t involve the nursery, baby names, things to buy before baby arrives, things to unpack before baby arrives, items to sell on Marketplace, correspondence to take care of this week, errands, chores/allowance for each of the kids, a midway through summer/before baby gets here bucket list, birthday plans and prep for E, party plans for H’s belated celebration and something that covers all of of the details for the care of our kiddos when it’s baby time. Whew. Got it out there. I’m not even sure that’s all, but it’s the majority. So now that I have my list of lists, I’ll just need to add to each one until my brain feels sufficiently dumped out onto paper. That should be easy, right?

I know that the reason my thoughts are exhausting right now is because they all string together. In the same way that we’re playing a game of house Tetris to make a space for the baby in the right place here at home, all things connect in some way and lead from one into another. It’s hard to have an isolated thought about anything at all. So I jump from one thing to the next in my mind and later have a hard time sorting it all out. Surely this is just the stage of life I’m in, where young kiddos send trains of thought down whole new tracks about every two minutes, and I’m just trying to keep up with one idea while the next five are ready to leave the station (and all at once). This mushy brain thing is great practice for when sleep might be fleeting and there’s a new person in the house to love and care for around the clock. Oooooh, I can’t wait, truly! But I’m probably just saying right now that a lot of logistical things will have to be in order soon so that I don’t let the ball drop anywhere that’s really important. It’s good to be prepared and to have a sense of what’s next.

Today it was much more fun to meet up with friends and let the kids play together than to address to dos. I do so love a good summer day with the kids. Making memories right now feels just as important as making lists, though I have to strike a balance of both. There has to be a good way to make that happen, and maybe tomorrow I’ll go looking for it. Tonight, I’m going to try to shut off the flow of ideas that hasn’t turned off since early this morning. It’s time to call it a day and to lean into the possibility of sleep and the hopefulness of having energy to tackle new things again in the daylight.

Always moving forward, even if just a little bit at a time. (Also a bowl of cereal is calling, and I must go. 😉 )

MM

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The Tonight Show, Starring…our Eldest Two. (46)

“Mama, I can’t sleep,” comes her voice from the top of the stairs. Tonight at bedtime, I didn’t have it in me to climb the stairs and tuck babies in, so we said our goodnights down here and dad did the tucking. Now, I don’t have the heart to send our girlie back up to bed, so I invite her to snuggle on the couch for a few minutes instead. I tell her she can help me think up what I’ll say in tonight’s post, and this has her intrigued. Then I remind her that once, long ago, she wrote a letter to her little brother before he was born. “Maybe you could do that again?” I suggest. She loves the idea, but first she wants to read the original letter, so we begin the exercise of going back a thousand posts to find it.

Before we get to the aforementioned letter, we find all kinds of other treasures…stories about her third birthday, her first ballet class of that season nearly five years ago, anecdotes about how she and her brother interacted in those days and how everyone was adjusting to the idea of a new baby coming along. As if on cue, I see a shadow in the stairwell and big brother makes his way down the stairs, too. Upon invitation, he joins us here on the couch. Now we’re all reading old posts together–laughing and remembering and having a moment I didn’t plan and couldn’t script. These growing babies of mine? They didn’t get the best version of me today, and yet somehow in God’s infinite grace, here He is providing a do-over of sorts at 10:30pm. I know this is His doing, because an hour ago I had zero capacity left for parenting. Now, suddenly, there’s plenty of space in my heart and body to take this time at this hour. Maybe the kids should be in bed, yes, but we all sleep better when our hearts are at peace, don’t we?

It’s probably a half and hour that we take to relish old words, old stories. But they’re here for the taking, and goodness, that’s my “why” poured out in front of me allll over again. This documenting of days that’s four times in the making by now? Sometimes I wish I weren’t so committed to my commitments. And yet. Would I trade any of this for the world? You can bet not. When I started writing to our babies ten and a half years ago, it was because I knew I’d want to be able to share memories with them someday that I’d otherwise forget. I guess I imagined them reading these “love notes” someday as adults–maybe when they’re each off to get married or have children of their own. But tonight? Tonight this labor of love is serving us all much earlier than expected. She needs to hear my reflections of who she is and how much she’s adored. He needs to read about how much I enjoyed our date out to the bookstore together way back when…how much I enjoy him. These memories can’t stay tucked away forever, and especially not tonight. Suddenly there’s a balm covering over the contents of the day that were less than stellar. Milk and honey when even just manna would have been a gift.

When our storytelling is over, I follow our eldest two upstairs because one asks for tucking in and I can tell that the other would benefit from a tuck in, too. At one end of the hall, it turns out there are shadows to slay and words to pray before peacefulness covers sleep tonight. Down the way, a simple blanket, a “Sleep well. I love you,” and the light on does the trick. We could’ve missed it all, but instead, a nudge in my heart and some dusty old posts have something else in mind. I don’t understand this goodness, but I’ll embrace it.

There’s so much I have to learn yet in this life and in this thing called motherhood. I know it’s never perfect and I know that my expectations can be too much. But I’ve also seen God show up in ways that I can’t explain outside of His being a nurturing, generous Father who meets our needs and then lavishes on us some more. Tonight as I feel emptied out, He fills me up again. In the words of a song I love, “I don’t deserve. I couldn’t earn it. Still He gives himself away. Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.”

It turns out our babies did write this post for me tonight. Or God did, but so clearly through them. I’m better for it, and I hope that they are somehow, too.

MM

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Celebrating Freedom. (47)

It’s the Fourth of July and fireworks have been going off outside for the better part of two hours now. I love fireworks, and I also always think about how many veterans might be struggling tonight after serving and fighting for the freedom the rest of us are celebrating. It’s a strange and hard thing, the way freedom here cost so much at its inception and how it continues to cost more and more today.

I love seeing everyone’s patriotism on a day like today–so much red, white and blue in pictures everywhere, picnics and parties with family and friends and every possible and celebratory dessert creation you can imagine. The way we honor this holiday as a nation feels fully American and really wholesome, which is probably my favorite part about it. Somehow we do feel a bit more united on the 4th, whether or not the headlines tell a different story tomorrow or the next day or the next.

We’ve all be through such a tumultuous year and a half, and from so many different angles. Political unrest, politics in general, pandemic fears and realities, isolation, trauma for reasons not even related to a global pandemic but rather on top of it, relational challenges, racial tensions, job insecurities, remote learning and working and all the things, major needs for adaptation, completely new territory on a global scale…all of this taking its emotional, mental, physical, spiritual toll on every one of us, no matter how uniquely. To celebrate Independence Day today looks so much like it did before last year’s more subdued, more isolated version, but it feels different to me. It feels weightier. The price tag on freedom has changed, and so have we.

I don’t really want to get super philosophical here or anything wild at 11pm on a holiday, but I do just feel like sharing that this year’s 4th stirs up new things in me. I am amazed at how normal things feel (dare I say, are?) and yet how much I want to acknowledge the treacherous path we’ve all been on to get here. I think a lot of our freedoms were challenged this past year+, and I still think they’re being challenged today. My personal quest for understanding and truth have ebbed and flowed in the midst of it all–sometimes my personality has driven me to pursue information to a fault, and more often than not (and especially as time has gone on), I’ve needed to hang my hat on what my belief in Christ leads me to recognize as Truth alone. I’ve needed to block out the droning on of information and noise from every side, instead pressing in to the ONE place I can really count on to be life-giving and hopeful and truly freeing.

Freedom looks different to me this holiday because I think we’re all a little more seasoned; perhaps a little more skeptical or frustrated or curious about what’s true and what’s been true and whatever comes next. I’m still so grateful to live where we live and to belong to a nation that has pursued freedom creatively and innovatively for as long as it’s been a nation. And like many (or most?), I’m still grappling with the cost of freedom and wondering about the future of freedom, which seems to change more readily these days than any of us might like to admit. It’s good to be here, planted and hopeful for the future, and it’s also good to come to the end of this celebratory day acknowledging where our true freedom originates. I can picnic, set off fireworks and dress in red, white and blue to authentically represent my patriotism, and at the same time, I’m leaning hard on God for His guidance for the future of our nation and His protections over the freedoms we’ve come to know and enjoy simply by living here.

Here’s to true freedom–the kind that can never be take away, and to our day to day freedoms that have been hard fought and hard earned. May we never take them for granted!

MM

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This Day in Ten(ish) Sentences. (48)

  1. The boys get to sleep in their new room for the first time tonight–exciting for all!
  2. Our household has more books that we know what to do with, which is a great gift and also a little bit of a conundrum. Between us we have so many mixed interests and age groups and favorites.
  3. Weekly trips to drop off book and toy donations are a staple these days.
  4. The kids make excellent helpers and runners when they’re motivated by their own progress–beautiful!
  5. This week the plants outside need soooo much water.
  6. We all went out for Mexican food tonight for dinner and the baby has a lot to say about it.
  7. Divide and conquer trips to Meijer and Menards make for interesting after-dinner events.
  8. Thirty three weeks along, contractions spice up moments throughout the day, every day.
  9. Today would have been Gramma’s 91st birthday and I never stop thinking about her. I miss her always, but especially on days like today.
  10. Fireworks are getting set up around the lake…Happy (almost) 4th, everyone!