MollyMadonna.com

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date night. (72)

There are a lot of big decisions swirling in our house as of late, and the rate at which we’re catapulting toward baby’s birthday makes all of the weighty things seem weightier. It’s tricky to have big unknowns, but it feels more this way when we already know that life is going to change by a major (albeit tiny) factor come September. Given the pace of our days lately, it’s been hard to carve out time before 10 or 11pm at night to have the big conversations that need to happen, so it was a beautifully welcome gift when a friend offered to come and spend the evening with the kiddos tonight so J and I could find some space to talk.

What a blessing to have an uninterrupted conversation over dinner! It’s not that we never do, but the opportunities are few and far between, and there’s just something so necessary about connecting during daylight hours when we can both still process well and talk over the bigger things without missing out on sleep.

So, J and I went on a date tonight, and although we had some major ground to cover in conversation, it was still a break away and a more relaxed few hours in the midst what’s felt like a lot of crazy. We enjoyed a slow-paced dinner, took a walk out to the beach, sat in the sand watching the sunset, and stopped for ice cream cones on the way home.

Neither of us can remember the last time we watched a beach sunset on our own, so tonight’s was particularly sweet. I realized part way through dinner that it’s twelve years this week since we first met. One of our very first chats took place just a few miles down the shore from where we landed tonight, so it felt a bit like celebrating, even as we waded through heavier things.

A lot has happened in 12 years. It was so good to have time to reflect on that tonight. I’ve lived in four countries since then, and J has lived in two. We’ve traveled the world, both apart and together. We’ve been married for nine years, lived in our house for close to eight, had 2.75 children 😉 and a dog, and made countless memories. We’ve also weathered some really tough things, and we are ultimately stronger for it. I’m so grateful that there is plenty to look back on with joy.

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It’s easy to forget how important it is to date our spouses…especially when life feels so busy. But it was really necessary for us to take the time we were so graciously offered tonight, and God used that to remind us of us. Not parenting, not household check lists, not current events. Just a husband and wife and a growing baby bump worth appreciating while we can.

Several people stopped us tonight to comment on our upcoming parenthood, and while it felt good to acknowledge that we’ve had a little practice, it was also fun to think about that excitement of having a first baby again. I remember when it was just us, and what a sweet time it was as we prepared to welcome Henry. It’s been a different kind of sweet this time, sharing in the excitement with two eager siblings awaiting baby’s arrival. Still, it’s always good to go back to the root of something and see it pared down. This baby is a result of our marriage. Our coupledom. Our love for our family and our desire to give Henry and Eloise another sibling to share life with together. He or she will be a blend of us in so many different ways, and that’s beautiful. IMG_0066 2

There are big things coming and so many changes to embrace. I’m thankful we can do that together, and that we can sneak in a little time here and there to remember exactly where and how and why our growing family started out. Twelve years have gone by. I never would have imagined all of the life that we’ve lived since then.

We didn’t solve all of the world’s problems tonight, but we did sync up a bit. That’s a big deal in my world, and I’m thankful for it.

a little sandy as i head to bed. how i’ve missed that!

mm

 

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jumping bean. (73)

Thirty weeks tomorrow. Man, that feels good. I truly love, love, love being pregnant, but this time around has been a constant exercise in seeking and choosing joy in every step. I think I do this well on the whole each day, although there have been many near-breakdown moments, too. Today was full of them.

I don’t know if it’s the heat, or just that I’m extra tired, but little things are getting to me like big things normally would. Since I want this to be an honest record of my pregnancy experience, I’m just going to let that reality sit here for tonight. It feels like a safe place to put it.

There were so many good things about today: time out in town with the kids, treats at the coffee shop, a visit to daddy’s work, sunshine. We picked up a friend’s CSA this afternoon because they’re out of town, and it was such a delight to pick beans with the kiddos and to see them loving every bit of it. (Made me miss our CSA from years past, and we’ll definitely be back at it next summer!) I wish I had a photo to share of the sweetness of Eloise discovering purple and yellow beans, but alas. I was busy soaking up yet another moment where our days are spent as three on the verge of four. The bittersweetness of that reality is growing more tangible by the day. Tonight, Henry and Jason took a four mile bike ride while Eloise and I had a story date at the library. It was so good for everyone, but it’s still hard to recognize that even one-on-one dates with the kids will be changing very soon.

I don’t mean to gripe about any of this in the least. All day today, our baby has been jumping around enthusiastically in my belly. Every kick and roll and movement brings me joy (and occasionally pain 😉 ) as he or she grows bigger and stronger by the day. The further along we go, the more delighted I am to think about welcoming our jumping bean into the fold. I love every bit of that. I’m just plodding through some of the realities of the life change that’s coming, even as we celebrate it, too.

All day today, the list of “things I actually really need to do before baby” and the other list of “things I’d really like to do before baby” have been running through my mind. This is the nature of the third trimester, I know, but it’s hard not to stare down the pile that’s in front of me as the stack of days gets shorter and shorter. There will always be things we want to do that we can’t get to, and things we think we need to get to that don’t really matter. Then there are the things that really do matter, and those inevitably take shape somehow before the big day, just as with weddings and other big life events. Being pregnant means a walk down this path at some point along the way–the self talk, sometimes the worry or stress, and certainly the sense of imperfection as a mama who is nesting, particular, hormonal, juggling other littles, excited about prepping for baby, or any combination of the above.

Today I am all of those things, and a little extra tired, too.

This 100 day exercise is so good for me, because I never know quite where I’m going to land when I sit down to the keys. I love that it then becomes a very authentic picture of where I am (and someday, where I’ve been) as pregnancy progresses and many other elements factor into the story.

I’m so grateful for all of the signs of life within me, especially now as baby’s bones are hardening and every movement is much more obvious to all of us here in the little blue house. It’s as if baby is saying, “I’m here! Include me, too! I’m getting ready to be a part of what’s happening out there!” And it’s so fun to see the kids getting more excited as they witness all of this belly activity, which helps a great deal on the days that are particularly hard compared to others.

I don’t know what it was about today. Not just one thing, certainly. Spats between the kids, a very thick summer heat, nights of broken rest starting to stack up, the world feeling especially crazy. Even if I weren’t expecting, maybe there would have been more of an edge to today than most.

Still, I’m thrilled to be arriving at 30 weeks tomorrow, and so amazed at what God has done to bring us to this point. That part isn’t lost on me any day. If you’re the praying kind, I’d humbly ask that you ask God to keep pointing our little family (and especially my heart) toward Him in the days to come. I am absolutely imperfect and so very human, and pregnancy tends to bring that out even a bit more often at this stage.

love from where i meet these keys, and grace for all that you faced today and will face tomorrow, great or small,

mm

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a thirty year friendship and counting. (74)

As of today, my sister and I have four kiddos between us, and two on the way. They are currently five, turning four, turning three and turning two. Bridget is due with the fifth babe this week, and our little bean is due in ten more. This is the first time we’ve walked through our pregnancies together.

It’s a beautiful season of life to wade through with someone you love. This time around is unique for both of us in different ways, but to welcome our third babies so closely together is a joy I’m glad we didn’t miss. We have spent months now relating, sharing, commiserating and celebrating our pregnancies and our babies and nieces or nephews to come. I’m so thankful.

Bridget lives a long way away, and we’ve both worked hard to be intentional about connecting from afar. FaceTime is an amazing gift, allowing us to visit and chat almost weekly (sometimes more) with the kiddos around to connect with each other, too. We do our best to schedule visits to see each other whenever possible, which winds up being 3-4 times a year at this stage of our lives. And although it would be sweet to walk down the road and knock on her door in the day to day, I don’t feel disconnected at this distance–we love each other and one another’s families as best we can with the space between us. Our kiddos know each other remarkably well considering the divide, which says to me that we’re doing a reasonable job of keeping everyone connected.

I love and look forward to our face-to-face visits, but I value our late night phone calls and midday FaceTime chats just as much. The quality of our relationship is directly proportionate to the intentions we set to stay well-connected. She knows I’m always here, and I know she’s always there, and the sweet random texts and fun photos of the kids we exchange regularly keep the friendship of our sisterhood alive when life doesn’t permit longer conversations.

Today is Bridget’s birthday, and as she turns the corner on a new decade and prepares to enter into a new stage of life with three littles in tow, I’m celebrating all of the things that she and her family mean to me and mine. As we wait for our wee ones to enter the world, it’s so fun to share in the surprise of unknown genders and unknown birth dates and all that these little babies will add to the dynamics of our lives.

I’m also celebrating my longest standing friendship as it reaches the thirty year mark today. We were buddies from the start, and in spite of having our differences as sisters growing up, we’ve always remained friends. There is a sweetness to our relationship now that is no doubt the result of many years of seasoning and growth, both together and on our own. Bridget is a beautiful woman with a beautiful family. I love the ways that our maturing and adapting into roles as wives and mothers has drawn us closer, and I can’t wait to keep celebrating all of the good and laughing at all of the crazy with her in these next weeks and in the many years to come.

IMG_4825 (1)Happy Birthday, Sister! Happy Birthday, Auntie B! We love you and are so thankful God saw fit for us to do life together. You are one amazing woman!

XOXO,

mm

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big brother. (76)

Dear Henry,

In a matter of months (or weeks, really), you are going to become a big brother for the second time. I know this isn’t news to you, but I think it will still be a big change for you when it happens. I’m sure you feel this deep down. Some days it seems like you’re absolutely ready to add another baby to our family, and some days it seems like it’s especially hard for you to think about. You were not quite two and a half when your sister came along, so I’m not sure you remember how it all felt, but I know you’re aware that it means something new for everyone.

Already, you’ve gone from having your own room to sharing with your sister. You weathered this transition well, and I think for the most part you both like it. Still, it’s not just your space now, and it’s the first of many big adjustments we’ve all made together in the house as my belly has grown.

You’ll be almost five and a half this time around. You’re becoming more independent all of the time, and you’re so able. It will be hard not to ask you for too much after baby is here, because I know you’re capable. I never want you to feel like I’m taking advantage of being your mom. And I always want you to feel like you can tell me what you need, too. We try to do a good job of helping each other around here, and we’ll all need to keep trying. It’s a big ask, but an important one.

Today was a good day for you, I think. You got a new bike and a hole in one playing mini golf! You played outside with your sister, went on a bike ride with your dad, and had time with all of us together as a family. It was a good Saturday for everyone, but I hope it was especially good for you.

I can’t get over how big you look in pictures now. There are days when you could pull off being at least eight, yet sometimes the five year old in you comes flying out so fast and I’ve forgotten. I’m sorry for the times that I don’t handle those moments well. I want you to feel safe to be where you are, whatever that looks like, at every age and stage.

I think we have a good thing going, you and I. We are both careful of each other in the best ways, and we both want to experience life to the full. When you say good morning or good night to me, or when you thank me for something that I do every day that I just take for granted as a part of my role, I am reminded of how thoughtful and gentle a spirit God has placed in you. You greet me with kindness. You address my belly with a quiet, welcoming joy. You look after your sister and think about things for her that no one else would ever know to do. You are uniquely you and one of a kind.

Henry, I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to grow up too fast, or like our expectations for you are impossible to reach. Sometimes we get carried away with how bright you are or how old you seem in moments, and we slip up from time to time by asking too much of you at such a young age. It’s ok for you to be a kid, and I want you to be. I want you to get dirty, to put holes in the knees of your pants and to play hard. I want you to feel the freedom to create, to ask questions, to share honestly with us about what you’re thinking and feeling. I want you to know that we are always, always on your team.

This baby I’m growing? He or she is so incredibly fortunate to have you as an example and a sibling. I already know that your heart for our little one is so, so big. I know, too, that you will remember to be gentle, that you’ll help me when I really need it, and that Eloise is going to look up to you as you care for our baby, just as she looks up to you for so many other things now.

I love how you love each other well.

I love how you love each other well.

Keep being you, ok? You’re an amazing kid. Sometimes I look at you and I have to blink hard as I remind myself that I actually get to be your mom. It’s a pretty great gig, and I wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

You’re always going to be our baby, H.D. You’re our big kid, too, but you were our baby first. The space my heart holds for you grows bigger all of the time.

I’m proud of you and I love you. And I can’t wait to introduce you to the next little person who will look up to you in awe and wonder, too.

xo, mama

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holding space. (77)

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These toes belong to Eloise. She will be three in just a few short weeks, but as she napped in mommy and daddy’s bed this afternoon, they looked like baby toes to me, and I took a photo to remember their sweetness.

We take photographs all of the time. As a family, we’re pretty camera happy, and we capture moments whether or not they’re artistic or aesthetically beautiful to anyone else. Jason and I both love to get a great shot, but we’ve also come to terms with the reality of capturing images of our children–there is often someone moving, making a face, looking away, halfway gone before the shutter does its job. We take them anyway. Here and there, we’re blessed to snag an image that holds space for us in an impactful way. Like today’s piggy toes, the countless images we’ve stored are sacred to us because they’re attached to memories and moments we don’t want to erase.

Life feels like it gets busier and busier all of the time. I don’t mean just our lives as a family with young children who are growing at a rapid pace. I mean life in general, for all of us. There is more input, more access, more distraction, more tragedy. And it all has impact.

There are too many things that take us away from where our focus might otherwise be: devices might get as much or more attention than the people we care about the most. The news is always raging with something hard and worthy of substantial processing time and prayer. Life moves faster because we have instant access to so many things…information, communication, entertainment, worry, celebration, fear.

It’s beautiful that we can get to things we need and/or want to know with such ease, but I think it makes it hard sometimes to slow down or intentionally stop the influx of input in the interest of holding space instead.

As time goes by (and especially as our children change and grow so quickly), I want to be intentional about holding space in our family. I want our kids to know that there is always time to be with them and to hear what they have to say. I want there to be room for whole hours and days where we take things in together and make conscientious decisions to choose each other over the world we have access to in an instant.

It feels like all of this should be a no brainer, yet I’m afraid it isn’t. I know that I need to choose space and time with my people above other things, but it’s a habit requiring intention, like anything else.

I capture our kids in moments each day for the same reason I’m writing here daily through the month of September–my heart says to remember, to be intentional about being able to look back, and to appreciate the little things that amount to big things when our babies are suddenly 5 and almost 3 and just a few months away from being born.

Life is short. On days like today, in the aftermath of another international tragedy last night, life feels more than short. It feels fragile and unknown, too. Sometimes, you just need a photograph of your baby’s toes to remind you that there is still sweetness and simplicity in this world. Sometimes, you just need to feel like your babies are safe…like you might be able to protect them or preserve them for always. Occasionally a photograph might trigger that feeling. More often, a good snuggle session will do the trick for a time.

However it happens, I think our kiddos need us to hold sacred space for them just as much as we crave hanging on to the beautiful parts of young childhood on their behalf.

We take photographs because we love the memories. When we look back on them, we’re not just remembering how someone looked a year ago or how much they’ve grown. We’re remembering the space around that time, too. We capture it, because the moment has a significance all its own.

Sure, Eloise’s toes look like baby toes, and of course when I saw them peeking out this afternoon I thought about how she has changed so much and is growing so fast. More than that though, the photograph above holds a space for me that a fleeting moment just can’t. When I come across it, I’ll remember how Eloise desperately wanted to sleep in our bed today so we were nearby, how she soaked up her nap time story all snuggled close to me, and how she settled into sleep, trusting that she was safe and cared for in that bed today, just as she needed to be. I’ll remember for a long, long time.

It seems like preserving space is just as much a part of our job as parents as filling it up with places to go and things to do. When I feel guilty about slowing down or not programming our time to a hilt, I need to remember that the space to just be, to recall, to let our hair down, and to exist together as a family unit is equally as important, too.

holding space as best I can, wherever I can, for as long as I can,

mm