MollyMadonna.com

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in the waiting. (7)

I never expected to be this stir crazy. I am so taken with pregnancy and so much of what it entails, and I want to just love every last bit of it to pieces. Turns out I’m also really human. And I really, really want to meet this little person. The idea of seeing his or her face is fueling me forward and driving me nearly in circles. I think I ask God for peace and patience in every hour.

This morning was particularly hard for me. I woke up at 5:30a to a contraction, and they kept coming–every seven minutes, for two hours. I rested in bed, but my wheels were also turning. I’d tell J when he woke up. We’d have a slow morning with Henry. I wouldn’t have to wake anyone…I’d just call at a normal time of day to say that this was it–that things were in motion. I got up and started doing random things around the house that I suddenly wanted done. I was trying to strike a balance between being really excited and really practical. And then the contractions stopped.

Oh, the struggle I had for the next few hours, trying to figure out why this is my journey this time–nothing like the last time at all, and so much more like a tug of war for my heart. I’m wanting to have peace on everyone’s behalf, and instead, I’m here trying just to find some semblance of contentment while my mind swirls. What is with this newfound impatience? Where are all of my prayers going as I send them up? I know God hears and sees me, so what is the purpose in all of it?

Trust. I think it comes down to this very simple thing. God is saying to trust Him and His timing and His will for this baby’s entrance into the world. I also think God is asking me to quiet my heart in an otherwise noisy room. I thought I was good at this, and in seasons, I am. Right now, I feel like I’m attempting to learn the skill all over again.

I sat quietly on the couch this morning while the boys were still sleeping and prayed and read and tried to center myself on the thing I know. God is here and with me and has it all under control. I tried to exercise my ability to open up my hands and release the day, this week, my “due date,” the circumstances of this labor and delivery…all of it. And there were moments today when that happened. For this, I’m super grateful.

What’s working best is keeping somewhat busy and surrounding myself with lovely things and lovely people as I wait. And attempting to have a great deal more patience with myself than what I’m normally capable of. This is challenging with all of the tiredness and emotions in the mix, but I’m relying on God’s help to get to the right place. It’s probably when I do that this baby comes freely and without reservation. I pray that he or she will feel ushered into this world surrounded by a crazy amount of love and peace.

Tonight, I’ll go to bed tired and hopeful. Hopeful for a great new day tomorrow, for even more joy in the waiting, for grace to extend to myself and others. And tomorrow we’ll be one day closer to this little peanut and the newness of things again with a baby, fresh from Heaven, added to our lives.

it’s all worth the waiting, and i know that. i’m just having to relearn and relearn and relearn. đŸ˜‰

breathing. deeply.

mm

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bump love (and single digits!) (9)

We were so blessed to have a dear friend take photos of our little family a few weeks back. It was such a fun night out at the beach, and I will treasure these images forever. I haven’t seen them all yet, but here’s a few I just adore from our time together…So excited for this little peanut to get here and join our family! We’re in single digits towards our countdown–is that crazy or what?!

DSC_5281 DSC_5328 DSC_5359 DSC_5368 DSC_5533

so smitten with the button!

mm

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the JOY of pregnancy. (11)

There is something truly remarkable about carrying an entire life inside of your own body, and this morning, as I walked downtown to pick up a cup of (decaf) coffee on my way to work, I couldn’t help but think once again just what a joy it is to be pregnant. I caught a reflection of myself in a shop window and laughed a little bit at the belly I’m toting out in front. I’ve had many an encounter with folks who want to comment on its gargantuan or petite and basketball-ish nature–no matter which Molly-belly measuring team you’re on, it’s certainly not a bump one could miss on my 5’1” frame at 38+ weeks along. And the truth is, despite some of the shockingly rude things people will say about one’s belly when with child, I LOVE my “bump” and all it contains. It’s not been a perfectly smooth road of pain free, high energy days and peaceful, sleep-filled nights, but it’s been a gorgeous journey of appreciating the growth and change as it happens and celebrating all of the love our whole family already feels for this unborn child. I’m not ashamed to be full of baby–there’s a whole human person within the confines of my tummy! What a blessed gift, and a glorious reminder of God’s faithfulness to us!

One year ago, I was still mourning the loss of our last pregnancy and wondering very much how God would redeem the hurt and struggle we were feeling as we thought about that missing babe. I trusted God, sure, but I certainly couldn’t see as far down the line as He could see–nor could I push past my own emotions to imagine a day like today. Now, just eleven days from our projected due date with the Button, I am sitting here on a crazy-beautiful summer afternoon with the breeze blowing through the windows, my two year old sleeping peacefully upstairs, and this tiny munchkin tickling my insides with its perfect little toes. I can fit into about five total items in my closet, and I could never think of a better reason to boast a limited wardrobe and weekly weight gain đŸ™‚

I know that there are a lot of women around me who don’t love being pregnant, and an equally large number of women who do. I also know that there are numerous women in my surrounds and in the world who ache so desperately for a baby of their own, and who might read this and feel troubled by my bubbling over with delight at my current life station. My mama heart aches for those who can’t bear children themselves and desire it. My heart also deeply trusts and asks God to meet their hearts in the exact right time and place, knowing that He is the only thing that can fill a void so cavernous. As I celebrate the upcoming birth of our babe, I do not take the gift of this blessing at all lightly. Rather, I am humbled beyond measure that I could be a vessel for this particular child, and I pray that I’m always a thoughtful and careful steward of the life entrusted to us.

This afternoon, I am overwhelmed by the goodness and the fullness of this belly. I am equally moved by the number of people in our lives who already celebrate our soon-to-be-here tiny miracle along with us. It is an amazing season! I will do my best to continue to be patient for this, the second of God’s greatest surprises to us in this lifetime. In the meantime, I’m like a child on Christmas Eve, over and over and over again. I can hardly wait to see what our little bundle contains!!

radiating from the inside,

mm

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dear henry. (12)

Hey Buddy,

I know you won’t read this now, but maybe you’ll find it someday when you’re older…when you have a young boy of your own, perhaps, or when you’re preparing to welcome baby number two into your world from the dad side of things. This has been an awesome and hard season for you, little man. You are no doubt as excited as a two year old might be about becoming a big brother, but the changes taking shape in our family are clearly having a challenging impact on you as well. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this better for you than we’re already trying to: showering as much love and attention on you as we can afford and working hard to explain and involve you in this baby process as much as possible.

This weekend you helped your daddy put up a baby gate on the nursery (to keep the pup out, of course:), and you were so proud of your efforts and contribution. Today as we were playing catch, you told me you would share your ball with baby, and I was so proud instead. I thought earlier on that maybe you knew something we didn’t…you’ve been singing “Happy Birthday” to the baby all day, and you asked me to “tell her it’s her birthday today” more than once. You could still be right that the Button is a baby girl, but unless he or she makes a freight train kind of entrance in the next hour and a half, today will (sadly) not be baby’s birthday. I would love it if you would keep guessing and singing, anyway. It’s really quite endearing and sweet.

Today was a very long day for both of us, and I feel like you’re lashing out a bit as things change. I wish this weren’t the case, although I understand it as best I can. I hope we can work together over the next number of weeks to help you feel at home and at peace. I promise that baby brother or sister will be one of the best gifts I can give you in the long run.

So, clever, charming, animated, energetic, frustrated, lovable, wonderful, curious, kind boy, this is to say that I love you with my whole heart. You are not losing anything more than some lap time with mommy as you gain a sibling. I hope that over the months to come, you stop feeling the growing pains as much and start feeling the joy that comes with a constant playmate, a partner in crime, and a live-in best friend. You are going to be a great leader and caretaker for this little baby on the way. He or she is already quite blessed to call you brother! I can’t wait for you both to meet, to see you snuggle him or her for the first time, to show the pride you feel as you care for and help and pray over baby. I have no doubt you will.

i love you forever and ever and ever, and nothing will ever change that. i hope somewhere in your two year old heart, you can comprehend just a bit of how much we treasure and adore you.

xo, your mama

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in a (honey) nutshell. (13)

At this very moment, I am eating my second smallish bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios for the day. I rarely eat cereal anymore, except, apparently, in the last six weeks or so of pregnancy (when I eat a bowl nightly to attempt avoiding 3am hunger pangs). I tried rotating in all of the super healthy, crunchy granola type cereal I’d otherwise choose, but at this point, Honey Nut Cheerios are the thing. I don’t have very many pregnancy cravings. I guess this would be the big one.

Jason is out for a run as I type this, and when he gets back, there’s Captain Sundae waiting for us in the freezer. I’m going to eat that, too…and guilt free, because we’re in the home stretch here and it sounds delicious. I pushed the dairy-free, refined sugar-free thing pretty hard for most of this pregnancy. Turns out a little slipping up here and there does not seem to impact (or cause) any re-occurring headaches at this point, so I’m cutting myself some slack. That, and my body was aching for calcium, despite all of the whole foods sources and amazing vitamins and supplements I take. Baby needs what baby needs.

And on the subject of baby, the tiniest of the bunch is currently hiccuping to get my attention. He or she has had my attention all along (and should hopefully know this by now), but this weekend has been full of attention getting behavior on the Button’s part, so it’s clear we’re gearing up for some big event in utero. I can’t imagine what that might be…

The eldest of the tiny bunch was vying for my attention tonight as well–he nearly hyperventilated upstairs from crying so hard that he “needed me.” This was not your normal cry (nor has it been for the past number of nights), but more like a full tilt panic/scream that would have any parent’s heart in a knot. We’re trying our best to strike a balance between coddling and supporting, and I think there’s a very fine line when your two year old is likely just feeling the growing pains of baby sibling’s impending arrival. H’s needs have been on this rise this past week, and as much as we adore him and want to make sure he feels loved, it’s been trying to say the least. The munchkin is now (finally) sound asleep upstairs after wearing himself out and four separate visits from mom and dad to calm things down. I’ve never learned patience to the degree that I’ve learned it in the past month. I suppose the heat had to turn up at some point as we ready ourselves for the babe on the way.

Aaaaand, lastly, as I wrap up my thoughts on the day, the nursery is 90% or more done after this weekend, and it feels amazing. I know baby wouldn’t know if it weren’t finished, but we would know, and it was getting to both of us. The only thing left is to hang the mobile above the crib and photos on the walls (and I need to go looking for a floor lamp this week if time permits). Beyond that, the projects still on the list are crafty ones that I’m committed to only if life and motherhood allow, and we’ll see what the next week or two hold. In the meantime, teensy clothes are washed, folded, and tucked into drawers, the crib is made up, bookshelves are hung and stocked full, new light fixture is in, all is in place. SO good!! Now if I would only pack a hospital bag for baby and myself, we’d be golden. Then he or she could come at any time without all of the rushing I’ve dreaded might take place. No more dreading. To do list, relatively conquered. Amen.

So that’s the report on this second to last Sunday before my due date. We’re making our way here–all of us. Each differently and dynamically, but we’re making our way.

thinking about baking a blueberry crisp, and it’s 11pm. nest much?

mm