MollyMadonna.com

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things are just things. (36)

We all have things we love and love to hold onto. Some have monetary value, and most have sentimental value or history that makes them hard to let go. I’m feeling this truth most evidently today, as I list item after item on Craigslist to make room for the Button and all of the exciting changes happening around here. It’s all well and good when I’m taking the photos and putting things up online, but as soon as someone says, “Sold!” I suddenly skew all emotional.

I’m not talking tears here, really (although I shouldn’t speak too soon…the stroller we first used for H is still up for sale). It’s more of just a fleeting sadness that comes with taking something out of our home that we’ve used and loved. And of course there are memories attached.

This afternoon, I’m waiting for a buyer who’s on his way to pick up our Herman Miller table/desk that we’ve loved for the past two years. It’s really just a table, but it’s in great condition and made for a really cool, retro-looking workstation for a while. It was the perfect fit for what we needed at the time, and now it no longer has a space in our home. Why am I attached at all? Good question. I found said piece at a vintage garage sale, not more than a block and a half away from home. My memory of the find is what’s lingering, and I’ve always loved that part. It was a super hot summer day (not unlike today), and I wore H for a walk in the baby carrier, thinking we’d just browse some vintage-y things and come right back home. He was about three months old.

As we rounded the corner up the sale driveway, a wasp flew up under the carrier and stung me in the low back. I’ve never felt such immediate searing pain in my life. I met the owners of the home (and table sellers) while wincing and doing a crazy bee dance, all the while attempting to ensure that Henry hadn’t been hurt or stung at all. They were the most gracious people, explaining that there was a nest buried on the edge of their yard, and that the pests had been especially bad that day. (Maybe next time, a “watch out for aggressive wasps” sign, folks? 😉 They offered me ice, and the wife looked to make sure the bugger was gone and such (hard to check for yourself in this kind of situation). Their two boys played in the yard–one named Henry, and the other I don’t quite remember. I presumed this was a good sign.

The vintage sale did not disappoint. This couple had made a hobby of refurbishing Herman Miller furniture, and there were finds galore. I wanted to buy one of everything for J, who has an even greater appreciation for these things than I do. That would have just been impractical and impossible. But we were looking for a desk at the time, and one in particular happened to be the exact right measurements for our space. It had a perfectly beautiful top, a freshly polished up base, and a great price point. The couple promised to hold it for me so J and I could pick it up later that evening. I made my way home with H cozy in the carrier, eager to nurse my swelling back that afternoon.

Ever since, we’ve had this great table in our space, and we’ve used it time and again. But change makes room for change, and the room that was once an office has morphed into a playroom/office, and now demands to be strictly a playroom from here on out. It turns out very small people require quite a bit of room after a while. So the table is on its way out, and you know what? It’s been a good exercise for me today in letting go of things. They’re just things. A table is a table, no matter how retro and “cool.” The fun or sentimental memories attached don’t leave with the item. They just linger differently. And digital photography and smart phones make for great memory preservers along the way. I’ll never forget my little vintage garage sale wasp adventure, or carrying sweet baby Henry around the neighborhood in the summer heat. I’ll probably not forget the table, either. We loved that pretty little thing, if only for a time.

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fresh air. (37)

This week has flown by, and been jam packed with activities and meetings and commitments here in the little blue house. We’re managing, but the weekend will be a welcome chance to take pause, to have some fun family time, and to organize even a few more details as the clock ticks down towards baby. There’s just been little room to make much progress in those areas over the past four days. That being said, I feel like life offered me a little reprieve this afternoon…

You know those days where something just turns around and you feel like you can breathe again? I can’t say that to be true of the entire contents of today, but I can say with great relief that I am breathing easier on one account, and it’s making a world of difference in my heart. We had our first doctor appointment with our new doctor this afternoon, and I’m 100% sure that we made the right move in the right timing. This was only my second conversation with the new practitioner, but twice now, I’ve had lengthy, invested interactions where I felt like I was being heard–like we could engage in conversation on an open and reasonable level.

I had stopped feeling like this was possible with my previous doctor, and at 32 weeks pregnant, had grown somewhat fearful of how that component of this next birth might play out. As I’ve shared a little bit in other posts, I’ve been fighting back a lot of fear stemming from conversations with my first doctor. So much reservation about something I’m so passionate and excited about felt unnatural and unnecessary to me. Words have power, and someone else’s fear can easily become our own. I’m working hard to erase that planted fear as the days tick on. This afternoon’s appointment was a huge step in the right direction.

I’m so thankful that J is as invested in this process as he is, and that he was able to make it to today’s visit with me to meet our new doc. I think we both walked away with a much greater peace about our options, our approach to birth, and our hopes for a safe and healthy natural delivery. Despite a very hectic day for both J and me, I feel a bit lighter in my step thanks to someone else’s willingness to be open, informing and encouraging. As I continue to unpack more about birth and pregnancy here, I look forward to sharing more about the significant impact that this change has already had on me, and why I feel so strongly that every woman is entitled to feel empowered, informed, and safe when she’s expecting.

so grateful for change tonight. and for a much needed breath of fresh air.

mm

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heat advisory. (38)

Today was Wonderful Wednesday again (they just keep coming!), so naturally, H and I had plans to go the farmer’s market, among other things. I made a long-ish list of items we needed to pick up, filled water bottles with LOTS of ice, packed H’s bag, and we were off. I was determined to be out of the house on the early side, and to return early enough that we would avoid the midday heat that’s settled around these parts for the past few days.

Truth be told, the “feels like 100 degrees” week we’re having hasn’t really phased me in my pregnant state. Sure, it’s hot, but I’m honestly not terribly bothered by the fact that it’s this warm in July. It is, after all, July. And I’m not sure I feel hotter these days than I would any other summer when we’re all doing our best to keep cool in the sun. For the most part, we can be choosey about when we’re out in the heat, we can limit our exposure if necessary, and we are fortunate enough to have air conditioning at home and in both cars, so I really can’t complain. The only place that’s tricky is work, and that’s because we sit in the front, south facing windows of a very large building that is not staying adequately cooled off this season. Not much to do about that (although a dear co-worker brought fans in to cool off the space with her pregnant friend in mind. A huge blessing!) At any rate, the temps merit mentioning, simply so I can accurately recall what the weather was doing in these last few weeks of baby carrying and such. It will be fun to look back on “that July of 2013” with fond memories of a heat wave and our braving it with joy, but I digress…

The market was deliciously beautiful as always. It was also a bit less crowded than normal (presumably the heat factor), which made pushing a stroller around much more pleasant. We gathered cherries and blueberries, peaches, potatoes, and tomatoes, carrots, maple syrup, cinnamon swirl bread (hello, french toast!), whole grain bread, peppers, an onion, a cucumber, and a quarter watermelon. Oh, and a handful of dahlias and zinnias for good measure. How could any other time of year be my favorite when we have this kind of agricultural joy at our fingertips in the summertime?! Henry was delightful company, hanging onto the flowers and making conversation with the vendors. It’s just become one of our very favorite pastimes together!

Afterwards, H declared we needed a carwash, so off to the carwash we went. I have genuinely come to revel in the quiet bliss of a three point five minute car wash. Seriously, it’s brilliant. Henry is fascinated by the brushes and sponges and water and blowers, and I’m just as happy as a clam in the front seat, peeking in the rear view mirror to watch his face and enjoying the very minimal interruption from my side of things. A car wash (and a clean car) certainly make Wonderful Wednesday more wonderful.

From there, it was off to the meat market to round out our shopping before heading home. H got a kick out of asking for every last type of meat in the case, and I stocked up on good finds for dinner and grilling over this next week. I do have some thoughts to share on the meat market and some changes taking place there, but perhaps it’s best saved for another day (and not used on a perfectly good, 100 days post;) I so love being able to drive only minutes down the road for high quality, locally farmed meat from a small business, but I think that’s all about to change. That does not make Wonderful Wednesday more wonderful, but I’m just saying…

When we got home, I did the most natural thing a pregnant mom would do after being out in the heat for a few hours. I gutted the refrigerator and cleaned it out from top to bottom. Standing in the open door of a cool fridge will help you to forget how hot you may have been slightly earlier. And besides, a clean and organized refrigerator makes a nesting mama a very happy one. The project was mildly laborious, but mostly it was just fun to tackle. H helped by taking things out of the fridge to examine them, and by keeping me company with his silliness all the while. We rounded out our W.W. morning with a Skype call to Auntie B and Miss E, which makes any day better. By nap time, we had exercised a lot of energy and were both ready for a rest. The day felt well rounded and sensible (in light of the heat advisory and the need for a little grocery run and all).

The closer we get to August 25, the more determined I am to make things count. I was reminded again tonight at worship team practice to treat every day like a miracle. Because they all are. Even when it’s hard or hot or riddled with emotion. Even then. So tonight I’m thankful for another miracle. Another day of baby kicking and Henry being two and the house needing attention. I am so blessed to have all of these things to be responsible for, truly. It may be hot outside, but I’m doing my best to keep my cool indoors. Take that, heat index!

here’s to another miraculous day tomorrow!

mm

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a lesson. (40)

Dear Button (will you find it strange one day that I used to call you that?),

Here’s a little nugget of wisdom from your mama’s heart: sometimes, enough is enough and too much is too much. And when that happens, it’s ok if little things fall to the wayside for a moment while you pick yourself back up. This blog post is a perfect example.

I was trying awfully hard yesterday to push through a long, challenging number of hours, and before bed, I wanted terribly to fulfill my commitment to you by writing here. I sat down with my computer when it was already quite late, and I began to type. I think I attempted this for an hour or so, nodding off a dozen times and trying fervently to get back to the page. Unfortunately, the day had had already taxed me to the max. I never did get the post off and running well. I kind of let myself down, to be honest, but I know in the grand scheme that you’ll understand. I should have gone to bed and rested well so that I could take the best care of you possible. I’m sorry for that.

The past few days have been so interesting–a blend of the joy I have in carrying you and the sheer exhaustion of pregnancy, mixed with really hot days and the temper of a toddler flaring all around me. And there’s the to do list of course, and the way that your crib came out of the box damaged on Sunday, and your daddy’s thesis bearing down on him, and your grammy trying to move to town this week. Projects. Deadlines. An extra day at work. Life is just feeling SO full. I’m not complaining (or not trying to) little one. Just recognizing that the deck is stacked in favor of me being a little extra run down this week–acknowledging, too, that your mama needs a Savior on this day as much as any other. Thank goodness for Christ and the knowledge of Him–for the Holy Spirit and the presence of otherworldly peace when on this side of Heaven, it could easily feel like there was little to spare.

I guess all I’m saying to you, dear baby, is that you can’t possibly lean on your own strength or circumstances at all times. Hardly ever, really, if you want to live in the joy that God has for you in this earthly life. I pray that you will grow to press in deeply to God. That your roots will be firmly planted in Truth, and that your first inclination will be to fix your eyes on Christ. Never mind any deadlines or pressure, ingratitude or attitudes that surround you. Just keep pressing into what you know…that you are Loved, Loved, Loved beyond understanding, and that God created you to shine His light in the world regardless of your daily circumstances.

I’m going to head into this day making my best effort to shine, despite feeling a bit dim in my heart. The God of the Universe can fill in the gaps for me today. I trust He will, if I ask Him.

you are 40 days away or so, sweet button. i can’t hardly stand the beauty of all that, no matter what else is coloring the moment. keep doing an amazing job growing! my belly says that you’re making a really good effort 😉

love you always.

your mama

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muscles. (41)

Sitting here tonight and reflecting on today…wondering what exactly represents the past 24 hours, and what might be important to remember about this particular day in the scope of 100 on my journey towards baby. To be honest, not a whole lot stood out at first–until I went to reach for something and my stomach muscles protested strongly against it. The movement made me consider how I’ve felt lately–physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and the truth is, it’s been tough to flex any of these muscles with strength this weekend.

Yesterday was busy, busy, busy, and by the end of it, I was physically taxed to capacity. Today I woke up feeling much better, but the 90+ degree heat quickly squelched much hope of optimum physical energy. It was just a bit muggy to be at 100%. Mentally, I think I’m just working through so many details and ideas in my head that I’m not really giving myself a break–my mental muscles are getting a good workout every day, but it would be fun to give them a rest. Maybe when baby comes, I figure. Perhaps then I’ll be busy enough nursing that my time in the rocking chair each day will provide a desired level of mental space. I remember reading and thinking a lot when Henry was small–simply because I spent countless hours rocking with the bug. There’s certainly something to look forward to a few weeks from now!

I may be tapped out physically and mentally at the moment, but the muscles I’d like to bulk up the most are the spiritual and emotional ones. Spiritually, I feel reasonably well–I just need to keep trusting God and having enough faith that He will meet me where I am and where I need Him in every moment. And I need to remember days like Friday, when God makes it entirely apparent that He wants me to know He sees me. I especially need to lean on Him as I think toward the day baby arrives…that space, all of the details, the people who will surround us, things with Henry while we’re away at the hospital. Of course God has all of that handled and knows how it will go. So why is it still so hard for me to think that way in the day to day?

And then there’s my emotional muscles. These are getting a great workout, but not in the way I’d like to make a regular habit. I am SO weepy over things. Things at home and in our daily lives, acts of grace and kindness, worship music in church today. I’ve cried three times in the past 8 hours, and I just do not feel like myself in this way. It’s funny what pregnancy will do to you. Thank goodness Jason has been understanding and gracious each time…I’m like a fish out of water, and ready for the tears to slow themselves a bit post-baby.

All this being said, my muscles are achy in most ways as they flex and stretch and challenge the norm in this stage of being pregnant. I’m trying to learn to be patient with myself, but there are plenty of moments when that’s hard. Six more weeks or so to go, and I’m plenty grateful that I might have some of my *regular* muscles back after a bit. In the meantime, looks like I’ll just have to work hard at being patient with myself and those around me–and I’ll surely need to borrow some muscle power from God in the process.

getting my fair share of exercise,

mm